Trying To Figure Out a Woman Who is Vexing Me

[IndiReloaded]

Wow, you really are selfish. My posts are like casting pearls at swine. Oh well. Perhaps someone else will benefit sometime. You aren't ready for a mature relationship and all that means. I'm starting to understand why she has turned away from you. You sound scary, Chris.

[ChristianonLI]

How is wanting to be loved so bad it hurts selfish?

Besides, telling me how to roll over and accept what I cannot control isn't what I need. I need clear, concise information that will let me get this woman back into my life in the capacity which I desire. Not six months from now. Not a year from now. Tomorrow. I'll even settle for waiting until next week. But when all that runs through my head is the image of her telling me how in love she is with me and how perfect I am for her and how nothing could ever change I find sitting and waiting isn't healthy. It's downright maddening.

Please, can someone, anyone, actually tell me what I can do to get this woman back and in love with me? Can anyone at all tell me how I can get things back to the way they were last year? Am I really doomed to live with these memories again? It already happened once and I swore I would never let it happen again. And yet here it is, happening again. I did nothing to deserve this torture. I'm a good person, God damn it. If she was in love with me before she should still be. How can no one see that as logical?

[HeartIsAching]

How is wanting to be loved so bad it hurts selfish?

Besides, telling me how to roll over and accept what I cannot control isn't what I need. I need clear, concise information that will let me get this woman back into my life in the capacity which I desire. Not six months from now. Not a year from now. Tomorrow. I'll even settle for waiting until next week. But when all that runs through my head is the image of her telling me how in love she is with me and how perfect I am for her and how nothing could ever change I find sitting and waiting isn't healthy. It's downright maddening.

Please, can someone, anyone, actually tell me what I can do to get this woman back and in love with me? Can anyone at all tell me how I can get things back to the way they were last year? Am I really doomed to live with these memories again? It already happened once and I swore I would never let it happen again. And yet here it is, happening again. I did nothing to deserve this torture. I'm a good person, God damn it. If she was in love with me before she should still be. How can no one see that as logical?

And what she wants has nothing to do with it, right?

No, you're not. You're uber-controlling, so much so that you don't even see how wrong that is.

Logic? Since when does logic have anything to do with love?

Wow... Indi's right. You've got issues.

[ChristianonLI]

She's a woman. They all invariably want the same thing: to be in a loving and monogamous relationship that does not end. She lost that chance with her husband and now has the chance to have it again with me. She very much showed me she wanted it with me. All I'm trying to do is figure out what went wrong and why she suddenly wants to be alone. You want to attack and insult me, fine. It doesn't change the fact I love her, think about her every day and want nothing more than to have back that wonderful time we shared. Just thinking about it makes my insides ache.

I don't know why I bother, no one on this forum ever gives sympathy. Just barbs and acid tongues.

[HeartIsAching]

You probably shouldn't bother. You should probably just go and let the sane people alone.

[IndiReloaded]

You're uber-controlling, so much so that you don't even see how wrong that is.

Chris you sound like a male bunny-boiler. What you are describing is NOT love. Pay attention to HIA's post. We have no vested interest in anything other than telling you like it is. Get a grip.

[HeartIsAching]

bunny-boiler.

I had to look that up. Sounds a lot like my psychotic ex, actually.

[HeartIsAching]

I cannot feel complete as a person until I have a woman who I am in love with and who is in love with me. Forever. Not for a few years. Not for a few months. Until the day we both keel over and die. Just because some of you might not think that is the right way to be doesn't mean I am wrong.

Wow, I just re-read this and realized I'd skipped over some things I shouldn't have.

So... this is almost certainly a waste of time and effort for me, since you won't read and understand, but I'm going to try anyhow:

You're absolutely wrong. Many of us do believe in this, some of us have it. I'm pretty sure IndiReloaded and Wakeup have it, and I KNOW I do.

But and this is a very big BUT - My wife isn't my property and I'm not hers. I don't own her, I don't make decisions for her, I don't tell her what to do, I don't expect her to behave a certain way to keep me happy. She's my PARTNER. My other half. What she wants is at LEAST as important to me as what I want.

She's my lover, my best friend, my confidant, she's the one that I let see what no-one else gets to. I will be married to her until the day I die - and make no mistake, I'm going to die first, mostly because I couldn't stand the thought of going on without her. Selfish, I know.

But you cannot CAN NOT force someone to do what you want, simply because it's what you want. It won't work. You've GOT to take into account what she wants too.

Pretty sure you won't, though.

[ChristianonLI]

No, of course I cannot force her. I wouldn't ever want to FORCE her because it wouldn't be genuine. I have taken into account what she wants which is why, when she initially broke up with me in December and was mortified that I would hate her, I didn't bat an eyelash. I accepted what she did, thanked her for the time she gave me and told her I would be the supportive friend that she needed. She was immeasurably grateful for my understanding. Only a few times since then did I ever broach the subject of us restarting the relationship and with the last time I did she got very mad which led me to make the original post. I understand and respect what she wants but at the same time I am MISERABLE and I myself am mortified at the prospect of having to wait months more for her to really become comfortable with herself again and want someone in her life. And I am even more mortified by the possibility that when she is ready it won't be me when I feel so strongly for her.

If only I could show everyone here the letter she wrote me in December, which she then came over to read to me that was the essential part of her break up, I think you all would think a little differently. She doesn't know if she is still in love with me and when I have tried asking her she cannot answer. She's on the fence. That's fine. She's still hurt and confused from her divorce. She needs a lot more time. But when she says "I'm not ready right now" and follows it up with "I do see a future for us some day" the only option I have is to wait and see. But at the same time waiting to see is killing me. And if she happens upon someone else when I'm not there at the moment she is ready, and that guy sweeps her up, it's MY loss. Not hers. I'M the one who loses out on this wonderful, awesome woman who made me absolutely happy and who I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I made just as happy too for a little while. And who benefits? This other guy who didn't stick by her during her darkest time. HE gets the benefit of this healed and whole woman and in my eyes, whoever he may be, he doesn't deserve her. I treated her with all the love, care and attention that any woman deserves. And I know I would do all that and more every day of my life and until we were old and senile. No matter how selfish and controlling she is (which she outright claims), no matter how OCD she is (which she outright claims) and no matter how anxiety-riddled and high maintenance she is (which she outright claims).

That's what I really never made clear. Almost from the start of the relationship she has tried very hard to scare me away. She's told me she's selfish, she's OCD, she's controlling, she's high maintenance, that her temper is balls to the wall insane and has given me numerous examples of what went wrong in her marriage and then blamed herself. But I just kept coming because in spite of her flaws I saw to the real person inside and I knew deep down all the problems in her marriage weren't entirely her fault. There was a lot her husband did that was wrong, too, and without justification. Oh believe me, I've seen first hand her darker side and it's indeed a sight to see but it hasn't deterred me and it hasn't made me love her any less even now, months after the breakup and through our semi-occasional contact. I love this crazy woman and I would do anything for her. Even wait months and months for her to get sick of being alone. I just don't want to see my waiting be all for nothing by her choosing someone else. If I'm putting in such effort I want the result I'm working for and the possibility that it won't happen sickens and terrifies me. So if I come here sounding a little nuts it's because I've been waiting about three months now and been on this insane emotional rollercoaster with her that she can't help but pull me along on.

She loved me once. I mean REALLY loved me. Then the depression of her divorce got the best of her and she pulled away because she realized she couldn't be falling into something so serious so quickly and so soon after signing the divorce papers. But if she loved me once I am certain that she will again. I just need to keep waiting. I won't find another like her out in this world. Not because I don't think I have a shot but because she's as unique to me as I was to her. I don't WANT another. She's the best I've ever known and she's worth waiting for. But God damn it I don't want to be waiting for nothing.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a twat. Grow up. Get over it. Shut up.

BTW, you're definitely trying to coerce/force her, whether you realize it or not. She has said NO, multiple times.

Do you have any idea what NO means?

[oldskool83]

the separated married women always are off limits...they need to clear their mind, just want mental and sexual attention. id try and move on. i did the separatred thing once....why does it always seem to end up you never date them? move along bud. single women or divorced women only.

[ChristianonLI]

You know Backup I've never liked your tone in any post I've seen you write in. But that's for another discussion. She's hasn't said "no" per se, she has said, and I am literally quoting, "yes! No! I don't know, maybe one day but not right now. I'm so confused!" I started off as an understanding friend and let my emotions get the best of me thereby putting unneeded pressure on her. It wasn't fair to her and I respectfully backed off. Just because I appear an emotional wreck here doesn't mean I've shown that to her. For the most part I've been cool, calm and collected in her presence. But because I'm a human and I make mistakes a few times the emotions came out.

If she had flat out said "no more, I'm done, was fun while it lasted but I want more" I'd be here venting an altogether different set of emotions. And I probably woul have blasted her for leading me on. But she didn't say that. She doesn't know what she wants. Therefore I'm willing to wait a few more months for her, hard as that may be.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Au contraire, indeed she did say no, many times in fact.

"yes! No! I don't know, maybe one day but not right now. I'm so confused!"

NO! I don't kNOw, maybe one day but NOt right NOw.

Here is some real advice, that I will spell out for you, so that you don't have to sift through my sarcasm. The way you are acting makes you look pathetic in her eyes. If you don't cut her off, then you don't even have a chance, when she is ready to date, because you're an emasculated doormat to her. If she's as controlling and high maintenance as she claims, then she wants a man that will keep her in line, and not put up with her bullshit.

[HeartIsAching]

You know Backup I've never liked your tone in any post I've seen you write in. But that's for another discussion.

Now you're making the assumption that he gives a shit whether or not you like his posts, and then you're trying to hurt his feelings. Your second sentence is quite passive-aggressive.

It's interesting how the training I've had has enabled me to see what people really mean.

[ChristianonLI]

That's some advice I intend to follow to the letter. Thank you.