Feeling confused about my breakup??

[misombra]

give it some time and you'll start feeling better. the longer you're away from the ex the better you'll feel. do you have any family members you can leave your daughter with while you go out with your friends or something? and not somewhere where you might run into the guy?

[JadenMia]

Ugh, i just had the most horrible few hours there. Stressing out about money, him, everything. I feel abit better right now i just needed to slap myself out of it there.

I do have family members here. My immediate family whom i immigrated to Canada with. The thing is, i am renting a room in the basement with them right now. I have been here 2 years. I am sick of it, they are sick of it and it is really pulling us apart. I am trying SO hard to save up to get out of here but its proving impossible.. Every bit of my wage goes on rent and child care. So trying to save up for a security deposit to move out is just impossible. So right now, i am not getting along with my mother, she finds it hard to understand what im going through but i understand how much of a piss off it is me being here.
SO, yeah they wouldnt look after her if i asked, they would most likely think im trying to sponge off them and being irresponsible.. so i just dont really bother to ask. I might ask my sisters to take care of her maybe on the weekend so i can join some of my friends on a night out though, that would make me feel better.

My main goal right now is to get myself out of this house, then things would be a lot better for me. I have to stay strong for my daughter i know.. Its hard to keep collected at all times though when im feeling this down. Im back at work tomorrow, hopefully that will keep my mind off things. Sigh.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh Jaden *hugs* honey!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train.

Keep looking for that new street to walk down, keep your eye out for the potholes and when you fall realise where you are and why you are there.

When it comes to your daughter, don't worry about want you can't give her, focus on what you can.

[JadenMia]

Oh Jaden *hugs* honey!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train.

Keep looking for that new street to walk down, keep your eye out for the potholes and when you fall realise where you are and why you are there.

When it comes to your daughter, don't worry about want you can't give her, focus on what you can.

Thankyou Maiden, you're always a HUGE help

[pisces25]

I found this helps. And now each time I think of my ex I read it. Reminds me how important it is to keep one's self-esteem and to break the cycle.

How Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend Brings Your Self-Esteem Down

Even if your boyfriend or girlfriend begins your relationship as the sweetest, and most uplifting and complimentary partner, eventually the compliments will dry up, only to be replaced by criticisms. They'll start to criticizing the way you look, the way you dress, and the way you do things, or your character. Any insecurity that you have they'll seem to sniff out and will begin to make fun of, making the insecurity widen. Some will even begin to compare your flaws with the perfection of celebrities, people walking down the street, or even your friends and family. Your partner might also begin to tell to you that no one else will want you in order to make you feel that you'll need them.

Why Are They So Mean to You?

Why would the person who claims to love and care for you begin to do this? Because they don't really love you... and that's nothing personal against you, you aren't unlovable. The truth is your boyfriend or girlfriend really doesn't love or accept or him/herself so they find it really difficult to do the same for someone else uncondtionally. They are so insecure and full of self-hatred that they try to eliminate your self-worth in order to feel better about who they are. They mentally abuse you because that's what they do to themselves. The reason why they tell you that you need them, is actually because they need you. They need you to stick around because your love and even your loss of self-esteem continues to make them feel worthy. Because they don't feel that they're good enough as they are, they can't imagine you sticking around out of true desire and true unconditional love for them, especially if you see who they really are. So they adopt a false bravado and try to break you down, so that they you will stay out of need.

Why You're Attracted to Them

Normally mentally abusive partners either attract or intentionally go after people with low self-esteem because they're easier to break down. So you're drawn to that person because they reflect how you feel about yourself and they also might reflect what your parents or the people closest to you told you about yourself. But even if you started your relationship with lots of self-confidence being criticized over and over again and being confused as to why a person who claims to love you is doing the criticizing can leave you feeling lost and can make your confidence shrivel up. That loss of self-esteem compels you stay with your mentally abusive partner and the cycle continues.

What You Should Do

If you've just started out your relationship and you can tell your partner is already trying to make you feel insecure, it's probably just easier to get out of the relationship as soon as possible so that you can save yourself the mental anguish, and since your partner could be grooming you for physical abuse. Don't feel compelled to save the person or help them deal with all of their issues, because while you're trying to do so you can easily lose your confidence and sense of self, which you should always value. Once you begin to lose sight of who you really are, and believe all of the negative things your partner says it will be much harder for you to leave because you won't feel that you can make it on your own.
So leave the relationship while your self-esteem is still in one piece, and if you'd like to help your ex, tell them to get some counseling and it's ok to be-friend them in the process if you'd like, but remain at a distance and don't get too wrapped up in their problems.

[MaidenMinx]

No worries Jaden. I'm happy to help.

And pisces, that is a great piece. I'll be showing that to my best friend!

[pisces25]

I wish I had stumbled across it early on in my relationship, but then again it wasn't until towards the end I saw the true extent of what was happening. I still love and miss him though. Funny how we say we can love someone that makes us feel like shit.

Hang in there Jaden. The best is yet to come.

[JadenMia]

I found this helps. And now each time I think of my ex I read it. Reminds me how important it is to keep one's self-esteem and to break the cycle.

How Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend Brings Your Self-Esteem Down

Even if your boyfriend or girlfriend begins your relationship as the sweetest, and most uplifting and complimentary partner, eventually the compliments will dry up, only to be replaced by criticisms. They'll start to criticizing the way you look, the way you dress, and the way you do things, or your character. Any insecurity that you have they'll seem to sniff out and will begin to make fun of, making the insecurity widen. Some will even begin to compare your flaws with the perfection of celebrities, people walking down the street, or even your friends and family. Your partner might also begin to tell to you that no one else will want you in order to make you feel that you'll need them.

Why Are They So Mean to You?

Why would the person who claims to love and care for you begin to do this? Because they don't really love you... and that's nothing personal against you, you aren't unlovable. The truth is your boyfriend or girlfriend really doesn't love or accept or him/herself so they find it really difficult to do the same for someone else uncondtionally. They are so insecure and full of self-hatred that they try to eliminate your self-worth in order to feel better about who they are. They mentally abuse you because that's what they do to themselves. The reason why they tell you that you need them, is actually because they need you. They need you to stick around because your love and even your loss of self-esteem continues to make them feel worthy. Because they don't feel that they're good enough as they are, they can't imagine you sticking around out of true desire and true unconditional love for them, especially if you see who they really are. So they adopt a false bravado and try to break you down, so that they you will stay out of need.

Why You're Attracted to Them

Normally mentally abusive partners either attract or intentionally go after people with low self-esteem because they're easier to break down. So you're drawn to that person because they reflect how you feel about yourself and they also might reflect what your parents or the people closest to you told you about yourself. But even if you started your relationship with lots of self-confidence being criticized over and over again and being confused as to why a person who claims to love you is doing the criticizing can leave you feeling lost and can make your confidence shrivel up. That loss of self-esteem compels you stay with your mentally abusive partner and the cycle continues.

What You Should Do

If you've just started out your relationship and you can tell your partner is already trying to make you feel insecure, it's probably just easier to get out of the relationship as soon as possible so that you can save yourself the mental anguish, and since your partner could be grooming you for physical abuse. Don't feel compelled to save the person or help them deal with all of their issues, because while you're trying to do so you can easily lose your confidence and sense of self, which you should always value. Once you begin to lose sight of who you really are, and believe all of the negative things your partner says it will be much harder for you to leave because you won't feel that you can make it on your own.
So leave the relationship while your self-esteem is still in one piece, and if you'd like to help your ex, tell them to get some counseling and it's ok to be-friend them in the process if you'd like, but remain at a distance and don't get too wrapped up in their problems.

This explains everything SO much! This is how he is.. completely. I know he is insecure, but i feel a lot of the time he used the nastiness he feeds me to big himself up and make himself feel superior. Sometimes i even feel he is jealous that people like me. When we go out, people are always telling him how lucky he is to have such a beautiful woman, even complete strangers congratulate him. He even gets upset about this, saying 'see how you attract attention? Its because you give off the image that you are easy'..
It makes me question myself and what people really think about me and makes me feel almost vulnerable. I am going to save this too, it helps me understand why he does these kind of things..I am sad i let it go this long though. I do feel i am at a point it is going to be extremely hard to heal fully and i know its going to take a long time to pull from his grasp. but i am determined. Thanks again

I will always remember something he said a long time ago. We were arguing, about me talking to a male friend if i remember correctly. He pulled me off the bed and i smashed my tooth as i fell down i banged my jaw shut on his knee. I remember spitting out parts of my tooth crying as i didnt know which tooth it was or nothing. He immediately started laughing saying 'whos going to want you now with no teeth'. I remember crying on the bed and told him i hated him and i was leaving and his reply was 'i would be careful of what you say to me, if you want to leave i might just pour acid on your face. You will look so disgusting that nobody will ever love you'.
I remember that night thinking there is NO way he loves me, like, i should have never listened to any of his apologies after that..I really did always fall for his shit though.. I always thought he was just mad and said things he didnt mean.. I think he really would have liked to do that to me though. If he could have gotten away with it, he would have probably done it.

I like to remember these things at these times. I am sure when i find someone in the future, they will never say anything of the sort to me like that. Its nice to keep my dreams in my head so i can have a goal to work towards

[pisces25]

Your life is in danger with him Jaden I am not kidding you. He sounds like a COMPLETE pyscho. His abuse is beyond comprehension.

My ex never said anything like that but he criticised me a lot to make himself feel better. He felt inferior to me and the only way he could bring me down was by comparing me to his ex's and other people including celebrities (pffft). Even in that mild case of emotional abuse I felt my self-esteem and self-confidence slipping. I can not imagine the state you are in after all that your ex put your through.

I know you say you can't afford it but I would encourage you to seek support from a counsellor as the damage he has done may take a while to repair and you need the best possible chance at it. It is an investment for your future. Or join a women's domestic violence type group just have talk to people who have been in similar situations.

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with Pisces. I'm actually stunned by the level of psycho you just described. You made my jerk of an ex look like a pussy cat and that's no easy feat.

Keep strong. You will get there. It's a breath at a time.

Keep reminding yourself of the crap he pulled. You don't deserve that. Have enough self respect to believe it.

[Wakeup]

.... and remember your daughter and that you need to be strong for her so that she grows up with a healthy sense of self worth. Keep her from falling for asshole men like the one you just left. Be a good role model. Stop the cycle at yourself.

Start being proactive and call a battered womens group or Codependents Anonomous for support. Googling both will find chapters near you. Get your mind off him and on yourself and what you can do to improve on how much you value yourself.

It's nice to look for emotional support here but just doing that isn't enough for you to heal from this. You need to start taking on strategies to overcome this now.

[bulrush]

Jaden,
You need to go through the pain in order to disconnect your heart from him. You need to have a good cry, rinse, and repeat, until you are done with him emotionally. Put on some good old breakup songs (search Youtube) and cry him out of your heart. Let him go.

Then start a new chapter of your life. As the old chapter ends, a new one begins with all new possibilities.

[JadenMia]

Thanks everybody it helps, i know i need to start doing things in order to get over this.. I spent all day with a big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.. f*ck i just hate feeling like this..
I just want it to go away soon.. i just feel sick all over again

Im going to try my hardest to stay strong, i cannot listen to breakup songs, they honestly make me feel suicidal. I chose 'feel good' music instead it makes me feel a little better. I dont know, i just want to feel okay.
Thanks all x