I hate myself :(

[FoxyLaydee]

This is a tough situation - one wants out and anther won't give in.

Have you both tried MC?

[fallenAngel]

foxyladee...what's MC?

[fallenAngel]

What's MC?sorry dunu

[FoxyLaydee]

foxyladee...what's MC?

Marriage Counseling.

I know not a lot of people believe in counseling but it does help in tough situations. The thing is, if you're both o longer in love with one another - the best is to end it so that both of you can find happiness elsewhere. It's easier said than done but that's the only way to go to avoid living a miserable life.

[Mish]

It's hard. It's breakin' me apart. I can't decide. I don't know what to do

It is hard. It's a difficult situation you are in. You are in a very narrow situation which also happens to be very emotionally charged. Not a very nice place to be.

There are your options as I see them:

1. Stay exactly as you are, as you already said not really an option

2. Get divorced without his consent (If it's at all possible in your country)

3. Find a way to work out and settle your differences with him for the sake of harmony and the kids.

Have you ever done a PMI? A very interesting process where you write down all of your options, break them down into positives and negatives and to each of these give a score out of 10. The option with the highest score left standing is the one you should be going for

[vashti]

First of all, it is very common for men to become jealous of a new baby, but they usually outgrow it.

How is your husband with the kids? Honesty, if he is good to you and the kids, I think you should make every effort to get over your issues. Kids do best when their parents are married, and that intense emotion of being "in love" is transitory.

I think you should look into some counseling.

[Tedel]

Hello,

Yes, it's a hard situation, but it's not the end of the world either. My first suggestion is this: take a deep breath and smile, like this

Are you feeling better now? Then let's talk about your problem.

In Asia, as far as I'm concerned, marriage is very sacred and a divorce would bring shame to your family. This is one thing you would like to avoid.

You obviously don't like your husband too much either, but you are... "Since i know i love him(is it my heart or my conscience telling me this?), i know he deserves someone better. someone who will love him back the way he love me."... wishing him a good love. Why not your love? Are you sure you don't love him at all? Or are you thinking you don't deserve a loving husband?

Last, you have cheated on him and made a few other things on purpose to "have him dismiss you" and you feel guilty.

Now, he hasn't been a martyr either. He's a bother, he's jealous and he probably is as awful in bed as me (just kidding)... but... he's your husband, so why not give yourself a chance to love him again?

The easiest and most comfortable path to real love is called friendship. Try to stop thinking he's your husband and see him as a friend for a while. Seeing him as a friend will help you speak more freely than while feeling the pressure you might be feeling these days.

Have him behave like a friend with you too and he may start trusting you again. Build from there.

If you were single I would just say drop him, but marriage is something different. I always try to keep a marriage alive.

Hope this helps... and smile again Desperation is not really helping you.

Last, don't hate yourself. You are loved! Have you got any idea of how many people are dying for what you have?

[Gigabitch]

The easiest and most comfortable path to real love is called friendship. Try to stop thinking he's your husband and see him as a friend for a while.

This is a good idea. I think you have a romanticized idea in your head about what marriage is supposed to be and you're fooling yourself. It's work. Sometimes it's boring. It's never like they show it on the Harlequin channel.

Let's talk about realities: how are you planning to support yourself if you get divorced? You're already supporting two siblings in their studies, your parents are not getting any younger and now there's no help from America. Do you have a plan? Does it involve your husband continuing to support you after you kick him to the curb? Are you hoping to find another guy who wants to marry you?

And what about these kids? I haven't heard you saying you want your husband to go away, I hear that you want "out". Do you want out of motherhood as well? Are you planning to leave the kids with him?

It sounds like your life is very frustrating to you, but I think you need to take a long hard look at the possibility that life without your husband wouldn't actually be better, just harder.

I'm not against the idea of divorce- I'm divorced with a child, myself. I just think you're living in a fantasy world where you think getting a divorce would solve all of your problems and it won't.

[fallenAngel]

Right now i'm confused. But i really appreciate all your advices. It helps, though. My life's really a mess. I don't really know if i just hated him because i don't have privacy with him or because i can't do anything i want because he's always there. I know it would never be the same and easy without him, financially of course, but i still have my job and don't intend to give the kids to him. I will keep my kids and raise them myself. I might be self centered seeing only my own perspective and feelings but i guess hating him started out since the day i realized he hacked all my account. We're married yes, husband and wife so to speak but even though we're what we are, we're still two different individuals. My understanding is, i am still entitled of my own privacy-email privacy. Unfortunately, he hacked all my account and accessed it. He was even the first person to read my mails, not to mention with the text messages i had. He's always the first person reading it. Actually there(email) were he found out my affair with somebody else (no physical involvement just an online relationship). He reads all my mails and everything, something that i don't do to him. I even told him that i hate it when he spies at me but he don't listen and so i hated him more and more. Guess what guys, he just sent me an email today...letting me go, finally. Cool huh? Surprising it may seem, but he was able to read the blog i posted in this forum, as usual, he hacked my account again.What's new?. So now we're off. Honestly, it hurts, but somehow it's better this way. At least he knows. I might not have the chance of telling him personally but through this site i guess we already resolved the issue. I'll start my walk from here guys. Thank you so much.

[Tedel]

Honestly, if I were your neighbour, I'd have a word with your husband and tell him that a***ole that if he doesn't stop behaving like an insecure baby, he will lose his wife.

As for you, come on! You have marital problems and you have e-mail affairs with someone else?

In short: I see he's getting more jealous because you are giving him reasons to be like that. You are feeling more miserable because you are feeling more control than love. You two are closing a circle of distrustfulness you need to break before it destroys your family.

[Gigabitch]

If you think he's actually going to let you walk away with the kids, you're fooling yourself. He sounds like an emotionally unstable person. He could turn out to be incredibly vindictive.

Protect yourself. Watch your back. If he takes you to court and wants a divorce due to infidelity, he might have a case for keeping the kids, depending on where you live.

You need to get a lawyer immediately.

[Mish]

Protect yourself. Watch your back. If he takes you to court and wants a divorce due to infidelity, he might have a case for keeping the kids, depending on where you live.

Actually on that

If he seeks a divorce due to infidelity he might have a very good case. Think about it. Technically (from legal point of view) he has done nothing wrong. And he probably has all the evidence he needs of said infidelity to prove it beyond reasonable doubt due to all the account hacking. So, if he wanted to he could make things very very difficult for you Fallen Angel and be justified in his actions from the social perspective. I would think very carefully about your next move. If I were you I'd be thinking through every single day of the next 5 years.

[IndiReloaded]

What is it exactly that your husband has done besides hack your email?

Sounds to me like he may have had some cause for suspicion.

In short: I see he's getting more jealous because you are giving him reasons to be like that. You are feeling more miserable because you are feeling more control than love. You two are closing a circle of distrustfulness you need to break before it destroys your family.

This^, right on the money.

No offense, but you sound a bit like a young thing that has read too many romance novels. Marriage is HARD WORK. Friendship & love don't just 'happen', you do things to make it happen & KEEP it happening.

You have children. You have a commitment to them & to your marriage. I'm not saying your husband doesn't have issues, I'm sure he does but it sounds to me like he's fighting for his marriage & you're just trying to do things to destabilize it. Go to counselling, seek advice from an expert who can give you some ideas to improve your communication. Even if you split, you have things you need to learn about yourself so you don't carry them into your next relationship. Good luck.

[fallenAngel]

Indireloader:What is it exactly that your husband has done besides hack your email?

There is so much to enumerate but let me tell you the real big thing. He made me believed that he's the man i need. That i can count on him, financially. Ever since i was a kid i always thought of marrying a man who could give me a more comfortable life-doesnt really mean marrying a rich man, someone who can give me the comfort and pleasures of life i never experienced having during my entire childhood years is enough. I can't blame myself. I grew up in a poor family. My father is a gambler and mom is just a plain housewife. Thinking that somehow having him in my life would make a little difference, i obeyed my parents decision to marry him. Few weeks before our marriage something happened to us and after that he told me everything about him...he had almost 10 yrs relationship with his live- in partner and had 3kids. I can't really described how painful it was and can't imagine the shame i am about to face if my family and friends would learn about what had happened to us and so knowing the truth about him. I was so afraid but more of feeling the shame for the situation i was in.Not to mention the fact that i would get pregnant and if he won't marry me it will cause much shame not just for myself but for my family as well. I never told any body about this at first even my closest friend, not even to any one of my family. So we got married, but i promised my self that he won't be happy with me. I want revenge for the lies he told me and putting me in a situation where i don't have any choice but to choose the most convenient way for him. So during our entire marriage life, i can no longer count the times we almost had to go our separate ways. Countless times. And then there was this financial problem we still have to face. It's very irritating on my part because i thought he can raise our family well. But then i came to a point where i don't want to work anymore. I just want to take care of the kids but i can't because if i stop working we won't be able to eat meals anymore. He lost his job and i was only the one working, making a living. In return i expect him to do the household chores but no, i'm still the one working at home when i get back from work. I still have to take care of the kids before i sleep and go to bed...him? He will just sit in front of the computer and that's all. Im so tired of doing these and that for me, for him, for my family. I accepted everything about him and i learned to forgive him for all the lies and all but with the laziness, i can't just watch him sit all day and me working all night long. He should be the one working for the family in the first place,not me. At first he was a good provider and i appreciate that. That's why i guess i was able to learn to love him because even if we don't really started out right he's been a responsible man even though we fight a lot we still end up holding on to each other. I guess,partly, it was also my fault, because i expected too much of him... Anyways, since i don't have him in my life now, i will just start a new. I still don't know what i really wanted for my life right now. Perhaps just focus on my career and kids. It helps venting out feelings you can't say

[Mish]

So we got married, but i promised my self that he won't be happy with me. I want revenge for the lies he told me and putting me in a situation where i don't have any choice but to choose the most convenient way for him.

Hmmm

How long have you had this view? Can you perhaps attribute some of the problems in your marriage for this vindictive feeling you carried with you since the beginning? I ask because the idea of marriage is one of cooeperation, synergy, solving problems together without this or with a malicious frame of mind or intent it can be a kiss of death for the entire relationship.

I understand what you're saying though about you being the sole provider, it must be very difficult for you. It sounds like you are very unhappy in this partnership.