How to not fall in love?

[peace.fairy]

But, in a relationship there should never be the feeling that if you stopped trying he'd just cease to be your boyfriend because he wouldn't even try. LOL! But, in general that just may be how he is and therefore better if you usually make the effort. Again.... just so long as it doesn't cross extremes that would be a breaking point for you.
.

well, it's not even close to a breaking point for me. at least not yet.
He does show some effort. Every time I stop suggesting meeting up or limit my attention to him, he always starts initiating things sooner or later. Starts texting me, sending me songs, etc. It does seem that he is just like that. Even when I am at his place, I am always the one deciding what movie to watch, whether or not to watch it at all, what to have for breakfast, what for dinner, where to go for a walk, what to drink or smoke, etc.... So I guess that's just how he is...

We have been together for only 2 months now. But only now it starts feeling more and more 'real' and I do notice him getting more relaxed around me. Before it all was very very careful. I did mention he had very bad experiences before and he said he was afraid of hurting me and of course he was afraid of getting hurt (probably still is). And now that he is seeing that I am relaxed (I am hiding very well all the nonsence that goes around in my head) he is getting relaxed too. And it is starting tto feel more and more like we are a 'real couple' even though we agreed to sort of be casual.
Like he suggested that we need some special greeting to have at work. Because formally shaking each others hand every morning (like everybody does at our office) does get a little awkward and funny too. And then we were joking around we should just make out every morning and pretend like it's nothing in front of everyone else.... then I made a joke that maybe we should stop talking at all at work and pretend that we don't get along at all and are angry with each other. And then he made a joke that we should pretend we broke up. (!) So in his mind we are together. And he recently asked me if I don't feel awkward around him at work and said that he does, because he has to control himself and restrict himself interacting/ talking (I don't know how to say this right) with me.

Hooo! did gave a really good advice about assuming the best case scenario until I certainly have evidence of the opposite. I will try to do that as much as possible. But as TheEvilJester said when the mind starts spinning out of control a lot of things start seeming like the evidence of the worst case scenario.
And I don't know what and when happened that made me this way. I used to be totally optimistic and always thinking the best. I got screwed somewhere along the way I guess.. need to find out where and deal with it.


And [MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION] thank you for your detailed step by step guide on how to get what I want. Your structured and logical answers really make me look at things from a different perspective.
[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] it is so great to 'meet' someone who understands everything I am experiencing and is at least somewhat as crazy as I am in this way. And I don't consider myself very 'normal' as well, so the way you're expressing your thoughts really suits me and it's making me so much calmer to read that someone experiences exactly the same things I am...
Even today at work everybody went home after work and only three of us left: me, M (my bf) and another guy G, who's very good friends with M and the three of us hang out together a lot and get a long really well ( I sometimes think G fancies me too ...). So anyway, we were all behind our computers working and my mind starts going 'why are they not saying anything, they probably wanna hang alone and drink or play video games or whatever and they probably can't wait for me to leave....' And I even started feeling uncomfortable and pressured to leave as soon as possible... lol. When in reality M was staying later cuz he is going to watch a game later straight from work and G just wanted to discuss a side project that he came up with and invited M to join.

THANK YOU BOTH again! I honestly wasn't expecting to get so much help in a forum. I am really really grateful for both of you.

[Hooo!]

Who owns your thoughts and emotions? Who can decide wether this situation is good bad or even worth imagining in detail?

[peace.fairy]

I know only I can decide this, but it's just really difficult and takes extreme will power to not let my mind spin out of control convincing me that all the negative thoughts are true and that clearly all those little details are a definite prove of that. I have to try really hard to think positive thoughts and not let the negative things take control.

It's like that almost after every interaction I have with my bf. I come home and my mind starts analyzing and thinking over and over everything he said or did but somehow completely ignoring all the good parts and nice words he said and how he held my hand and everything and just focusing on some small things that seemed a little weird for me. And then 15 minutes later I am completely down convinced that he is only using me for sex and I am his last option whenever he has nothing better to do just because he said he's
not sure what he wants to do on New Years because he feels a little ill and is thinking maybe going to his parents house and spend a quiet evening with his sister and her bf. But I am not that crazy to think 'why then not a quiet evening with me?', right?

And then I have to spend a good amount of time reminding myself that we are not in a serious relationship and that I should not expect anything from him. Like I said myself in the very beginning of this relationship 'no expectations', but sometimes seems too difficult to follow through.

Well, anyways, Happy New Year!

[Hooo!]

But isn’t this whole nonexclusive friends with benefits thing the whole point that you are using each other for sex?

[TheEvilJester]

I know only I can decide this, but it's just really difficult and takes extreme will power to not let my mind spin out of control convincing me that all the negative thoughts are true and that clearly all those little details are a definite prove of that. I have to try really hard to think positive thoughts and not let the negative things take control.

It does get easier with a little practice. It will probably never be something you can completely stop, but you can at least get better at rationalizing and letting your common sense/more rational voice win out over the paranoid voice. It's not easy, but you certainly can do it. Like I said, I've gotten so much better at it myself. And yet, even I am still not completely cured of it. Case in point, a recent story in my life I will share with you.

So, one day a few months ago, I noticed that my boss started taking our team members one by one in his office, closing the door, and having a brief conversation with them. At first I figured they just had a meeting... but he started taking everybody. So, suddenly my mind starts spinning, because he starts taking everybody BUT me... So what does my crazy mind decide? I'm getting fired and he's warning my team first. Never mind how little sense that makes. Never mind the fact that doing that would be a TERRIBLE way to handle something like that. Never mind that he'd never had anything but glowing praise for me and how I was doing. But, for a while there, that was literally the conclusion I'd made.

Of course, eventually he got to me and pulled me into his office as well. As it turns out, I did get fired. LOL! No, I'm so kidding. As it turns out, he'd gotten a new job and was leaving the company. Which sucks because I really enjoyed having him as my boss. But it's good for him. Plus, I already knew and already like my new boss too. Anyway, by the time he finally pulled me into his office, I'd mostly let my rational thoughts prevail realizing how unlikely it is somebody would handle news like that in that way. But, for a while there I was thoroughly convinced I was losing my job even though there was NO reason for me to think that.

You can definitely get much better at it, but peeps like us will probably always struggle with it at least a little here and there. And, again, it never hurts to talk to a therapist if you think that actually could help. That doesn't mean you are nuts, or weak, or that you NEED help.... it's just that we could all use a little help now and then. And who better than a trained professional who may actually be able to help you better understand why you torture yourself with your own thoughts and techniques to help you derail those negative thoughts before they go too far.

[peace.fairy]

Would have probably made the same conclusion like you did in that situation.

But recently I had a tremendous realisation or I even dare to say enlightenment that helped me immensely. Depending on your views on the subject you might laugh at this or judge me or smth, but I will share it anyways.

On New Years (after all we did spend it together with M, and all that irrational worrying was for nothing once again) after a really long time we tripped on acid. He last did that two years ago and I probably three years ago.
And after that I feel so so calm. I realise this is the after effect of it and might go away in a few weeks, but for the last few days no irrational fears or anxieties or that nonsense excessive worrying have bothered me and i feel really calm and peaceful and feel really well emotionally and can just look at things more clearly and it's much easier for me to see things form a distance now. All I want is just to be kind to everyone and do good deeds and spread love ;} I really hope I can get used to this kind of thinking and continue it even if the after effect fades away.
Still sometimes totally ridiculous irrational thoughts cross my mind, but somehow I just manage to not pay attention to them. Like today, M is sick and didn't come to work. So later in the day a thought crossed my mind that maybe he's faking and his ex came back and he just can't tear himself away form her. Or maybe they are chatting all day and she's all like 'oh I would so like to be there for you and take care of you..' But then I immediately realised how ridiculous that sounds and forgot about it. And even if it was true (which is impossible really) there's nothing my worrying could change about that. And this took me absolutely no effort and I just went on with my day.
I really hope this change in my mindset is gonna last. Or I will need more frequent trips;}

[Hooo!]

No
You are the master of your mind
This kind of thinking does take some effort at first but becomes more and more effortless as you use it

I do not think it has anything to do with the acid. Maybe that was the thing that made you realize the unconscious connections your brain already had made for you

[peace.fairy]

No
Maybe that was the thing that made you realize the unconscious connections your brain already had made for you

Might be. But I think the acid had a huge effect on this and I feel my mind has changed. Time to continue on with my meditation practice and keep up this kind of thinking ;} Peace

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely do NOT condone drug use. So, if these effects do fade I would certainly NOT recommend trying that again as a resolution. Don't get me wrong. If you are actually able to retain this peace of mind (without further drug use) then I won't knock your method too much. Hell, if it worked for you it worked for you. It's one thing if you used it once and somehow that helped create the peace of mind you needed to finally learn to stop letting your thoughts go out of control. Sometimes you need just a little push to get there.

But, you definitely shouldn't make a habit of that. If your old ways start to creep back in, I would highly recommend other methods to try to get the best of it.

No judgment, though. Drugs may not be for me (never have partaken, never will), but I have no problem with people who use them sparingly and responsibly.

[peace.fairy]

I am almost sure that the acid had a major impact on all of that, but I think it was also because we spent a wonderful time together (he even made a smiley face out of my sandwich when making breakfast;}}) and that proved that all of my worrying was for nothing once again. And overall the more time goes by the better everything gets.
And all of that calmed me down for a while but now it's been almost a week since we saw each other (I was sick and then he was and still is sick) and I miss him and want to see him and I am beginning to feel this strange feeling.

It's not the obsessive thoughts anymore. I manage to notice those and prove to myself how stupid they are and not worth worrying over and that no amount of worrying could change anything anyway.... But I get this strange feeling in my stomach, just weirdly worried..I don't know how to explain that. It's like some sort of anxiety or fear or something.... And without even thinking anything negative it just starts building up..

I even think to myself if he would just tell me that he doesn't see this going anywhere ever and we should end it all (which could probably be the worst case scenario right now), I wouldn't be hurt. Sure I would be upset and sad for a while, but not hurt. I even considered suggesting to end it all myself before it's too late....And I would even be calmer cos at least then I'd know for sure what's going on.

So I am not afraid to end things and I can't understand where this feeling is coming from.
I think I am just afraid of being alone. I am so used to having someone, that I don't know how to not have someone and just be alone.
I am realizing now that's what's probably scaring me the most... or maybe not even being alone, but being not needed ..
I don't know, I guess I have deeper issues after all.
Need to figure out where they came from and how to deal with them, cos I wasn't like this a few years ago. I used to be happy even being alone and just entertained myself and enjoyed doing things on my own. And now all that just seems empty.

Sort of a diary post..But if you have any suggestions how to deal with that fear/anxiety/feeling of emptiness.. please share

[TheEvilJester]

Well, it's another one where nothing necessarily works for everybody. It's really about what works for you. As for your fella, I guess at least on the surface, I wouldn't personally suggest ending the relationship if things are going well. Why end it just because part of you thinks that would be easier than dealing with the possibility of it ending anyway? If you live life by that kind of attitude, how will you ever have ANY relationship? You'll always just deem it easier to be happy alone than it is to try for a relationship. And, heck, that even CAN be okay, if that is TRULY what you want. If you come to the conclusion that you are happier without a relationship and HONESTLY decide you'd rather not have one, that is a different story.

But, if you are just denying yourself something you REALLY want simply because you think it is easier, or to avoid the possibility for pain, etc. then that isn't necessarily a good thing. I have to admit, I'm dealing with trying to figure some of that out myself. I've not been very good to myself most of my life. My love life has not been that great either. And, for most of my life, there had been this deep burning desire almost like I was MEANT for love. Like something was missing in me not having it.

And, recently, I've found such happiness within myself. I've grown to appreciate myself so much more than I ever did. So much more than I ever thought I could. As an unfortunate result to that very fortunate occurrence, I've lost my interest in love. Don't get me wrong, if love fell into my lap, I wouldn't chase it away. But, I just honestly have no interest in actively pursuing it. I, myself, can't exactly decide if that is a good or bad thing. I'm enjoying it right now. It feels like a good thing because I'm not avoiding love due to fear of pain. I've dealt with plenty of pain and I know I can survive and even thrive from it. I'm not avoiding love because of fear of rejection. Dealt with plenty of that too and always come out stronger. I just quite literally no longer care to go out of my way looking for it.

Anyway, my point being don't deny yourself something you want just for fear of getting hurt. Sometimes getting hurt is just part of life. But, it makes it all that much more wonderful when you find your way through all the bad times to the good times. When you find the right person.

All that said... if you do find that you just cannot get yourself into the right state of mind while in a relationship, then sure... end it if that is what is best for you right now. I'm just saying that isn't a decision to be taken so lightly.

Though, it most definitely IS a really good thing to learn to be okay with being alone. It's just, you very well could feel that way even with a relationship. In fact, I think that should be the ultimate goal in life as far as love is concerned at least. To not NEED love.... to be okay with being alone.... but to want love anyway. Good luck to you in your journey. I hope you get to that peace of mind yourself, whether you have to end your current relationship to allow yourself the space to do that, or you feel you can reach that peace while still in a relationship.

Good luck.

[peace.fairy]

I totally get what you mean by 'feeling like you are meant for love' - I feel the exact same way.
But in the last couple of days I realised I don't NEED it to be happy - just like you say. I do still WANT it though.

And I understood how silly it is to worry over what can go wrong in this relationship. Even though I still sometimes get the fear that maybe he is just using me for sex and doesn't have even the slightest thought of things getting more serious... It is rather irrational when I think about the things he does and says sometimes, and it's probably just there because I was totally destroyed by my last bf. It was exactly what he did (used me) and it was the first relationship where I was left by someone and not the other way around and he totally broke my heart. So I guess it makes sense that I get these fears... But again it's better to enjoy whatever this is as long as I am comfortable with it and hope for the best. Because who knows what might happen and if I don't even try then I might miss out on something very special.

Overall I feel that my mindset and general feeling is changing. I do not worry as much about where this is all going and what will happen and I am trying to focus more on the current moment and enjoy things while they last. And I am getting my optimism back:} And I realise all I can do is just to do my best and try to be as kind and loving as I can and just hope for the best. I really believe that what you give is what you get ;}

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] Thank you so so much for all of your advice. I really really enjoy reading every single one of your replies. And I feel like you really understand me and that is a wonderful feeling. And your replies always calm me down. Thank you so so much again:}

About my fella...
I sometimes feel what we talked about before - being afraid of bothering people....
Sometimes I am afraid I am just bothering him with suggesting to meet up or texting him and that he will just get bored of me if I do it too often. So sometimes even if I want to, I will not even text him. And then after a couple of days he starts texting me.
But that feels like playing games and not being myself and I am starting to not like it. Though whenever I suggest something he mostly always happily agrees (unless he's sick or made other plans already). So there's no reason to worry I am bothering him...

But honestly we see each other very rarely. Despite every day all day at work of course. But after work - only on weekends (not even every weekend) and sometimes one other day during the week. When we do get together though it's always great and I feel more and more comfortable around him and seems like he does too.
But then - here we are at work and he's all cold and formal... Of course he's focused on work (it's been pretty tough week for him..) and we agreed to be formal at work so nobody would suspect anything. And he even told me once already that he feels awkward around me sometimes at work, because he has to control himself (I don't know how to say it correctly in english, but meaning that he can't hug me etc.) and asked if I don't feel awkward as well and I said no at that time... Sometimes I think he just thinks the same things like I do..that I am cold and don't care about this at all (this happened already once in the very beginning after the first time we spent the night together - we both sat here in the office all day thinking that the other one doesn't care about this at all and we were both wrong...)

Now writing all this I don't understand what my problem is really.... Probably that he doesn't show much interest in meeting up with me... And I keep thinking why that is..

Sorry for such a long post, I guess I just needed to vent a little and can relax now;}

[TheEvilJester]

After what you said happened to you in a previous relationship, it makes sense that you are so much more guarded now. It makes sense, too, that you have been struggling with trusting your new fella even if he hasn't necessarily given you any cause for that.

If nothing else, hopefully it at least helps you to know that USUALLY if somebody is just using you, it becomes pretty obvious before too long. I mean, there are definitely some unscrupulous jerks out there who are really good at towing that line so they leave you in doubt as to whether you are imagining it. I'm not going to say it is ALWAYS obvious. But, generally, it becomes pretty obvious before too long. Often times there are signs that maybe you didn't see, or maybe you ignored (even if unintentionally) because part of you didn't WANT to see them.

The unfortunate result of going through what you did in the past, often times, is that you wind up almost doing a 180 and now you are looking for signs everywhere. And often the more determined you are to find signs that things aren't right, the more likely you are to start inventing problems where they don't exist even if you don't realize you are doing it.

Again, I can't really know what is the case for you because I'm not you or your fella. Being a little closer to the situation, maybe I'd have plenty of evidence to make a judgment call. You two have only been dating for two month as you said. Sometimes that can still be a sort of feeling out period where neither of you are "all in" so to speak.

I could be wrong, but if you've only been together two months, then you probably aren't officially "exclusive" yet, right? And probably aren't officially boyfriend/girlfriend yet? At that time, I would think you are probably kind of just "dating." Couple that with the fact that you mention two DID discuss taking things slow/just seeing how it goes and I definitely think you shouldn't worry too much now.

And again, for people like us, to say "stop worrying" is kind of like saying "stop your hair from growing." LOL! We couldn't if we wanted to or not. (On a side note, Good Todd, I WISH I could stop my hair from growing. I HATE shaving.... and of course choose to rock the shaved bald look these days, meaning I have to shave my whole head and face minus the goatee I maintain.) So, again, it's all about learning to LET yourself worry... but also be your own voice of reason to say "Hey! Knock it off! You are just inventing reasons to worry. Just relax and enjoy it for what it is."

Not that you want to go the complete opposite direction and become TOO relaxed. Because, if too much time goes by and you feel like your relationship STILL isn't progressing, then that may be the time to ponder if it would be best to end it. You don't want to get SO relaxed that you wake up one day and realize YEARS have gone by and you are still here wondering if your relationship is ever going to become more serious.

It's all about balance. For now, things seem pretty good for you. So enjoy it. Sure, it will be nice if your relationship starts to get more serious if/when you feel ready for that yourself. Hopefully it does naturally and you never even have to worry. But, if things don't move forward as fast as you'd like, THAT is the time to deal with those sort of what ifs. And that is the time to maybe have a more serious talk with him about where you see things going and discuss it to determine if you two could be on the same page.

You deserve to be happy. Don't sabotage your own happiness. (He says, also half talking to himself. LOL!)

Good luck to you! You and I seem so alike, I basically feel like you are my twin sister from another mister. So, I want to see you succeed in love and be happy.

[peace.fairy]

Spot on with saying what it's like to be told to stop worrying! ;} And especially when I also have a slight ocd... I am trying to remind myself as much as I can to knock it off and chill and just enjoy things for what they are. And it's getting easier to do that, but still sometimes I catch myself being totally caught up in all those obsessive negative thoughts.

Now when I look back at my last relationship, where I was left totally heart broken I can so clearly see all the signs that it was just for sex and he never even intended for it to become anything more serious... And I even saw those signs back then just chose to ignore them I guess and just hoped for it all to change, cos I was so blindly in love. I think I even knew it back then and there wasn't even any doubt, there was just blind hope... Anyways, all that's in the past now and I am even happy it happened, apart form it making me more guarded now. Because the only reason why I am considering to end this relationship is so that he doesn't end it first and I don't have to deal with being rejected. Which sounds bad I know but after being left the last time I felt the lowest I ever have in my life so I guess it makes sense that I am trying to protect myself maybe unconsciously even..
And you are right that the more determined I am to find signs of bad things, the more I start imagining them and creating problems where there aren't any.

And my fella also had his heart totally broken. He was together with his ex for 5 years and they were even married and then she went to work abroad for the winter and came back after a month and told him they need to break up. And he was totally destroyed then and went on six months trip to south america to try and forget it. But still was depressed and after he came back, he learned programming and found a new job and a new apartment, but still had to even take antidepressants and was taking them for 9 months and stopped just before we met. So he is also rather damaged and I wouldn't be surprised if he is also thinking as same as I am and just tying to protect himself now.

He is definitely not one of those jerks that you mentioned who can just play with peoples feelings. He told me in the very beginning that he wasn't falling in love yet and just wants to be clear about it and wouldn't want to hurt me and he said it's up to me to decide what to do after knowing that. So I said I am ok with it (it was just two weeks after we started dating) and am not falling in love either and it was actually me who suggested to take it slow and see how it goes, but we did agree to not sleep with other people while sleeping together. So we are kind of exclusive I think. So maybe it really still is that 'dating' phase where we both are just trying to feel things out and both having been really hurt in the past naturally trying to protect ourselves. And I really shouldn't worry that much and just give it more time. Of course if months pass and we are still at the same place, I will need to talk to him, but for now, need to learn to chill ;} Especially that I know he would tell me if something was wrong. Every time he needed to tell me something important he always made the effort and I really saw he needed to talk to me, because he likes to make things clear. And I should just get rid of those thoughts where I start wondering maybe he is secretly dating somebody else and is just hoping I will get bored with him and it naturally just all fades out and he doesn't need to 'break up' with me (yep, I sometimes think such nonsense;D)

I just don't want to seem too chilled, like you said, and I am a little afraid that he might start thinking that I am so totally relaxed that I don't care at all about him and about what happens between us, but I really wouldn't be surprised if he already thinks something like that and then doesn't want to seem like he cares too (he is an overthinker as well) or maybe when it gets too much, he gets scared and steps back a little, cos it's always going well and then he gets all cold and then it starts getting better and better again until he gets cold again it's mostly up and down the whole time... Like in that song 'you're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no..' - exactly like that. But it's not that it goes well and then we sleep together and then he gets cold for a while until he needs sex again - not like that at all (was like this with my previous bf, so I know the difference by now;D) I think we might meet up tonight with a few coworkers and he should be there too - maybe I'll speak to him a little about this, but casually just sort of 'how do you feel? and 'is it still awkward for you around me at work?' - not to seem pushy or needy.

It's just that it never was like this before. Until now when I met someone we would just start being together and it was clear form the start that 'ok we are together now'. And I am not used to being in the 'dating phase' - it's so different form everything I ever had in the past. But I guess it's how people date and it's normal.

I wish I could just somehow make a movie or something about me and my fella and show it to you so you with all the positive and negative signs if there are such, so you could know my situation better:} But already you are giving me really good advice, I think it's because we are so alike and you just naturally know what to say to make me calm down;} I am really happy I can share all this with you and you are helping me so kindly. I am extremely grateful for this.

[Hooo!]

Actually the one you really need to be discussing this with is HIM