why limit yourself to only one?

[Only-virgins]

This really has little to do with control. People create ideas and their standards by how they feel and react to previous events. I for one when I love a girl I prefer by choice to be with only her and I feel like it shows/says that I love her more then anyone...obviously my opinion is then that if she wants to be with other people as well then she doesnt feel to strong about me or at least as strong as I feel about her. Some people look at it in a self-fish way and say that its all about control but its more about showing the other person that you love them so much that you just dont give a fawk about anyone else.

As you say, you love your pet too...

Thats not what I said . You might as well get a pet to keep you company because they tend to stay with you till they pass. I don't love pets.

[LightOn]

<sigh> This is not an answer. Merely a restating of the problem. I want thoughts about WHY this is so. What's the reason/advantage (assuming there is one) for only one.

Actually...No, it is an answer summed up into a short answer. Pretty much what everyone else said here. No body wants a person to be giving themselves up to anyone else but them.....ownership. So regretfully if you want to have any success you have to go with this flow so to say. That is why the ones who would like more than one only choose one.

[ALovelyLady86]

I love my pet... I'm not in love with her... but I love her. Shes a good little kitty.

[misombra]

i agree that it is a societal/cultural conditioning that we have to be with only one person. many cultures weren't/aren't so hell bent on our views on how a relationship should be structured.

[tooxshort]

I love my pet... I'm not in love with her... but I love her. Shes a good little kitty.

hell yeah ... take care of ur pussy ........................................ cat.

[ALovelyLady86]

I take care of both

[inkeepingsecret]

"I think that deep down we need to feel ownership/control over another person to make up for our own insecurities. I think this is a big source of tension in relationships, b/c you can never, of course, ever really control another person. I think if we were more secure in ourselves, and really understood who we are, ourselves (not defined by our relationship w/another person) that a lot of these problems we see on this forum would go away."

I completley agree with this. Insecurities are detramental to relationships. Honestly, This is the main reason my relationship didnt work out. Women now a days are becoming more independant, and im sure this will continue. They dont necesarilly "need" someone. I have talked to few older people, most of them married very young. The things they have told me were suprising. For instance, my grandmother married very young, 17, in which she clearly said that she only did it because it was the norm, and thats what women did at that time.

At 70 years old, this kind old lady broke down to me, she did have regrets, she was passionate about things, but her idea (of the norm) wouldnt allow her to better herself. I for one, like to question the "norm," I mean why do things jsut to because its morally/socially accepted? I find women more apealing when they are independant, and I think this current trend is great. As a society we are growing, evolving, understanding things more clearly.

In regards to the original post, I dont think pologomy should be unaccepted. I think this kind of attitude can only help you figure out who you are, what kind of person you want to be, and what you want out of life. Im so sick of hearing about people who in a relationship, solely based on wanting/needing a relationship. I have been a bit of a flake lately, but i have been learing so much about myself, in which is the key. Its a good feeling when you can be happy, without needing to use someone else as a crutch.

This sort of thinking will not last, i know. I dont think i will settle down, or be monogomous, until I am ready. Until i find the right person. People (my friends) may think i'm a bit of a whore, but i dont. Why should i settle with someone just for the sake of settling? Honeslty, i am proud of myself, and i feel i understand things much better. These days, i think people are selling themselves short, by settling. I dont think these kind of people have figured themselves out yet. I also think that people, more times than not, get all wrapped up in wishful thinking. What i mean is, they want so badly to be in love, or to be loved, that they complelty ignore who they are, what they want out of life.

I think the key to WANTING to be monogomous is patience, finding the right person. When you find that person something just clicks, and the urge is gone. Its tough to explain, it just happens. But until then, swinging is a great way to figure out who the hell you are.

wow, talk about rambling incoherant thoughts!!!!

good job indigo

[ALovelyLady86]

I never have wanted to control anyone I was ever with..I just wanted them to be happy. If they werent happy I wasnt happy.

[misombra]

i agree that it's a security issue. i think most of us desire companionship that's our own and that's not shared. i suppose it's a tendency to nest(?)

but i also think that 'limiting yourself to only one' is learned and some people keep it going and some don't.

[Only-virgins]

Its more jeaoulsy for me then security so meh. I start to go crazy when I think of another man rubbing his fingers on the person I love and I think thats natural and not learned.

[indigosoul]

"I think that deep down we need to feel ownership/control over another person to make up for our own insecurities. I think this is a big source of tension in relationships, b/c you can never, of course, ever really control another person. I think if we were more secure in ourselves, and really understood who we are, ourselves (not defined by our relationship w/another person) that a lot of these problems we see on this forum would go away."

I completley agree with this. Insecurities are detramental to relationships. Honestly, This is the main reason my relationship didnt work out. Women now a days are becoming more independant, and im sure this will continue. They dont necesarilly "need" someone. I have talked to few older people, most of them married very young. The things they have told me were suprising. For instance, my grandmother married very young, 17, in which she clearly said that she only did it because it was the norm, and thats what women did at that time.

At 70 years old, this kind old lady broke down to me, she did have regrets, she was passionate about things, but her idea (of the norm) wouldnt allow her to better herself. I for one, like to question the "norm," I mean why do things jsut to because its morally/socially accepted? I find women more apealing when they are independant, and I think this current trend is great. As a society we are growing, evolving, understanding things more clearly.

In regards to the original post, I dont think pologomy should be unaccepted. I think this kind of attitude can only help you figure out who you are, what kind of person you want to be, and what you want out of life. Im so sick of hearing about people who in a relationship, solely based on wanting/needing a relationship. I have been a bit of a flake lately, but i have been learing so much about myself, in which is the key. Its a good feeling when you can be happy, without needing to use someone else as a crutch.

This sort of thinking will not last, i know. I dont think i will settle down, or be monogomous, until I am ready. Until i find the right person. People (my friends) may think i'm a bit of a whore, but i dont. Why should i settle with someone just for the sake of settling? Honeslty, i am proud of myself, and i feel i understand things much better. These days, i think people are selling themselves short, by settling. I dont think these kind of people have figured themselves out yet. I also think that people, more times than not, get all wrapped up in wishful thinking. What i mean is, they want so badly to be in love, or to be loved, that they complelty ignore who they are, what they want out of life.

I think the key to WANTING to be monogomous is patience, finding the right person. When you find that person something just clicks, and the urge is gone. Its tough to explain, it just happens. But until then, swinging is a great way to figure out who the hell you are.

wow, talk about rambling incoherant thoughts!!!!

good job indigo

I disagree... I think your post was highly coherent!


What I think often happens is that ppl settle, without knowing their own mind, and then it comes back to bite them later on...

I also agree w/your comments about monogamy. But I think that many ppl LOOK for it, actively seek it out as an endgame, which gets into those problems of NEED... When its right, things just click. I agree. Of course, you are saying that swinging couples are still finding themselves, which is okay I guess, if mutually agreeable.

[indigosoul]

I start to go crazy when I think of another man rubbing his fingers on the person I love and I think thats natural...

This is EXACTLY what I'm saying you should question!! Biologic programming. WHY do you go crazy? What are you scared of? Of course its natural, but this doesn't make it RATIONAL. And we are in the unique position (humanity) of being able to question whether our evolutionary programming is of benefit in a modern relationship.

[indigosoul]

I never have wanted to control anyone I was ever with..I just wanted them to be happy. If they werent happy I wasnt happy.

This is dependency. A type of control. WHY does your happiness depend on theirs?! Not saying you shouldn't care (of course you should!) but only to a point. Shouldn't your happiness as an individual, be independent of your partner at its core?

[ALovelyLady86]

Well that is a good point, and it reminds me a lot of my last relationship. He was never happy, and I tried to make it last as long as possible, but for me I did end up leaving him knowing that if he never wanted to be happy, he just wasnt going to be no matter what I did. See what I mean?

[Chlorine]

Indigosoul----"In modern society do we really require monogamy? If so, WHY?"

Hehhheh...well, in modern society, partners are so demanding in both time and material acquisitions. Having just one partner is definately the cheaper option. Polygamy is for those with deep pockets :-D

"This is EXACTLY what I'm saying you should question!! Biologic programming. WHY do you go crazy? What are you scared of? Of course its natural, but this doesn't make it RATIONAL. And we are in the unique position (humanity) of being able to question whether our evolutionary programming is of benefit in a modern relationship".

This is interesting! Been thinking about this alot. If you know of a good book/material on this, please recommend.