Having to make a choice between the two Loves of my life

[Amberol]

The only substantial answer from anybody was from wakeup, all of the other responses seem to just be what you were taught and how you can spit it back. i have read and learned a lot about the dimesnions of love over the past few weeks, because it isn't black and white. I used to think like the rest of you that "If you truely loved girl A, you wouldn't see girl B the way you do. Go for girl B." But it's not that easy, and i guess it just comes down to me, you can all tell me what I'm feeling, but only I know what I'm feeling, and i the interaction i have had with these two women has been the most amazing time of my life. And i know if i chose one or the other i would be heartbroken with either decision (I know seems crazy right?) you probably think im crazy if you are a traditionalist etc. but where is the solid proof that i can physically only be in love with one person at a time. You say your instincts say this will end in tears? what instincts are you talking about? do you have a personal experience with this exact situation if so please do tell.

[michelle23]

Look up emotional affairs. You have been emotiobally cheating on girl A all this time with girl B. You should never get that close to another women when you are in a relationship. Its how physical affairs start. The two girls will likely end up getting jealous of each other and they will fight over you and then they will force you to choose. Its a really messed up situation and i wonder aee both these girls just really insecure that they are willing to share you. Its going to get very messy and i dont no why you cabt just choose between them now or walk away from both of them. Would you like to sharr girl A with another man?
I think you love girl A and you are infatuated by girl B and the closer you get to girl B, the more distance you will create between you and girl A.
All three of you are going to get hurt and i dont think its worth it. Make sure you no what your doing and what ylur letting yourself in for because this could get very overwhelming once the initial excitement wears off

[Amberol]

Or as i have read online, about many examples of successful poly amorous relationships that last for 30 years. You are only seeing it from one side, you don't see the opportunity for it to actually work because you haven't personally seen it happen. your opinion would differ greatly if you had seen a happy successful poly amorous couple.
and also you make it sound like the two girls dont talk and hate each other, and this is all under wraps. We are all talking about it openly and communicating like everyone should. I'm not keeping secrets about my feelings so im not having an "affair"

[Rhaenes]

Hey y'all, girl A here.

Michelle, an affair or cheating implies that the other party is unaware of and disapproves of your actions. I've been with Amberol through this process and I think the main thing he hasn't mentioned is that he stayed close to me emotionally the whole time; if there was any distance forming, it was from neglect on my part. I guess you could say the closeness between them was caused by, and not the cause of, any distance between us. But I digress; cheating implies deception, but I knew what was going on between them, and I heard it from Amberol not someone else. He never attempted to hide the fact that he cared about her, at first just as a friend and later as a sister and still later romantically, and we would talk about it each time and figure out together how we were going to approach it. When he first realized he loved her, I went though a few stages of thinking, and it was messy for a period, but I would hate for you to think that I'm sharing Amberol because I'm "insecure," or because I feel like it's the only way I could be with him, because that's not true. We've been through a lot together and he's my other half, and I know in my heart of hearts if I made him choose, he would choose me. We actually went though that process a few times, of me panicking and insisting he choose, and each time he came to me - but each time it was incomplete, because we were missing girl B. You're forgetting, B and I have actually become very close friends. She's been open with me, and we've bonded about our mutual feelings for Amberol. Now, we'd felt complete without her before, but now we don't. I felt guilty for making Amberol choose, I felt selfish for keeping him to myself, and most of all I missed her and hated thinking she couldn't be in our lives again. This feels right, and even though I have my occasional doubts, my overwhelming feeling is of relief. And, contrary to what I thought and what you might think, the closer Amberol gets to B, the closer he is to me. That "initial excitement" from a new love with her is also making both of us remember when we were first in love, and it's exhilarating and lovely to relive that point in our relationship, especially now that we've been though so much together. Do I still feel jealous sometimes? A little bit, but it's been declining steadily the more we explore this relationship, and the more I let go of the idea that I "should" feel jealous. I know conventional wisdom exists for a reason, and there are many cases with couples who don't really communicate as well as us, and in those cases I too would warn against embracing polyamory or thinking that an emotional or physical affair is acceptable. It's never really what the cheating partner does, it's the broken trust that hurts. As long as you continue communicating, you'll be able to arrive at the best solution for each unique situation, and in our situation, my gut knows that this is the correct choice for us, at least for now. And we'll see what happens when the "initial excitement" wears off, but what's most important to me is I know we'll still be communicating then and we'll be able to plan our next step, whether it's to move on or continue the relationship... and I'd be happy with either one, as long as Amberol and I are still BOTH whole and happy. That's why I'm doing this, not because I'm insecure- because I want us both to be happy. Oh and thank you so much to Wakeup for the suggestion... I feel like it's something we all had in our minds but were afraid to say out loud because we didn't know what it was or if it even existed. You're very open-minded and pretty much the best.

[Rhaenes]

Wow, these emoticons are so obnoxious.... xD

[michelle23]

Best of luck to you all. Give us an update in a few months. I believe in monogamy but it is not place to judge any of you. This situation would destroy me personally but if you can hack it, good luck

[Amberol]

Well thanks anyway michelle, everyone is different

[searock]

I'm glad this arrangement working for you. My "objection" is NOT about the type of relationship you have, it is purely about feelings: I just don't believe that you can be in love with two persons at the same time.

I've actually wished I could have had a polyamorous relationship for a pretty long time, while I was with my now-ex-boyfriend and in love with my best friend... I really wished I could have been with both of them. But I always knew (deep down) that I was really *in love* with just one of them. I loved my ex-boyfriend like family, and it would have destroyed me to break up with him (so I believed) but I knew all the time, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, that just wasn't *in love* with him. I loved him, had sex with him, felt comfortable with him, trusted him, laughed with him, shared intimacy with him... but I wasn't *in love* with him.

But yes, of course, everyone is different.

[Wakeup]

There's the difference. You were "with" your ex but you didn't love him. You loved your friend who is now your partner. Op: Has been totally open with the two women in his life and the two girls know about one another and have had sexual relations as well. You're situation is completely different than what Op is currently in.

Google Polyamory and read about it. I am a monogamous person by nature so, like you, Op's dynamic wouldn't work for me either. Only difference is, I do believe that you can love two people romantically at the same time. The three people are NOT monogamous by nature and are capable of having love for more than one partner. This is not about plantonic and romantic love but rather romantic love for all.

If you believe that there is a difference between being "in love" with your partner and just loving them, then you'll not even be able to understand it never mind accept it in your life.

I didn't understand it either until I read about the subject extensively after (of all things) the series "Big Love" came out on HBO and I found it quite interesting.

[searock]

There's the difference. You were "with" your ex but you didn't love him. You loved your friend who is now your partner. Op: Has been totally open with the two women in his life and the two girls know about one another and have had sexual relations as well. You're situation is completely different than what Op is currently in.

Yes, the huge difference between my situation and the OP's is that there was no sexual relation between my ex and my friend, nor between my friend and me (it was an emotional affair). My ex knew that I had feelings for my friend, and of course my friend knew my boyfriend... but hey if they had been willing to, I would totally have at least tried being together with both of them at the same time. I loved them both, I really didn't want to give up either of them. They wouldn't have accepted it though (I suggested it to both of them at one point). So I really have no issue with being with more than one person at the same time. I actually think that monogamy is a pretty unnatural condition for some human beings.

I just do believe there is a firm difference between "loving" and "being in love" with someone (by "being in love" I mean loving, AND having deep romantic feelings for someone). Based on my experience and that of everybody I have ever known, it is not possible to be in love with more than one person at a time.

I accept the possibility that some people can be. I just highly doubt it.

[michelle23]

If both girls are bisexual then it will work. Other than that i find it hard to believe that somebody wont get hurt here. It all seems very strange to me. I couldnt bear the thought of sharing my partner with someone and hed prob end up in prison if some bloke was trying to get close to me coz hed have him killed lol..

But we both firmly believe in monogamy so who am i to judge other peoples beliefs. Some people might think were strange lol but he is my best friend and my lover all rolled into one-perfect for each other in every way and happy. The thought of him wanting someone else feels like a knife cutting through me. Hope it never happens. And i no hed experience pure rage even tho he is not an angry person by nature.
Let me no how this works out for you. I am intrigued to know if it can actually work.

[Amberol]

If both girls are bisexual then it will work. Other than that i find it hard to believe that somebody wont get hurt here. It all seems very strange to me. I couldnt bear the thought of sharing my partner with someone and hed prob end up in prison if some bloke was trying to get close to me coz hed have him killed lol..

But we both firmly believe in monogamy so who am i to judge other peoples beliefs. Some people might think were strange lol but he is my best friend and my lover all rolled into one-perfect for each other in every way and happy. The thought of him wanting someone else feels like a knife cutting through me. Hope it never happens. And i no hed experience pure rage even tho he is not an angry person by nature.
Let me no how this works out for you. I am intrigued to know if it can actually work.

Now how to tell the family of all parties involved. i think i can count 2 of of the total 6 parents who would probably understand

[Rhaenes]

If both girls are bisexual then it will work. Other than that i find it hard to believe that somebody wont get hurt here. It all seems very strange to me. I couldnt bear the thought of sharing my partner with someone and hed prob end up in prison if some bloke was trying to get close to me coz hed have him killed lol..

But we both firmly believe in monogamy so who am i to judge other peoples beliefs. Some people might think were strange lol but he is my best friend and my lover all rolled into one-perfect for each other in every way and happy. The thought of him wanting someone else feels like a knife cutting through me. Hope it never happens. And i no hed experience pure rage even tho he is not an angry person by nature.
Let me no how this works out for you. I am intrigued to know if it can actually work.

We will definitely keep you guys informed! I'm thinking about maybe starting a blog, something to get the word out about this for other people who are maybe wondering. I doubt my ability to be deeply, romantically in love with two people, and at this point I'm definitely not - Amberol is my soulmate, while B is like a sister to me. I'm bisexual while she's not, though she does like doing things when there are men there - it's more the thrill of showing off to B than the actual enjoyment. So while B and I may not have an independent sexual/romantic link we'll still have our friendship, and be brought together sometimes by Amberol. It also doesn't hurt as much as you might expect it to to think about him wanting someone else, because that "someone else" isn't some random bitch, she's one of my best friends.

[Rhaenes]

Now how to tell the family of all parties involved. i think i can count 2 of of the total 6 parents who would probably understand

Oh god yes, ANY AND ALL advice for that process is welcome!!

[Amberol]

Oh god yes, ANY AND ALL advice for that process is welcome!!

Yeah seriously some advice on how to approach this. Bear in mind Girl A's parents are super conservative, My mom is like semi conservative (traditional about sexuality, marriage etc.).