My wife is a totally different person than I married 1.5yrs ago

[Ugly_Swan]

Also, if she is mentally unstable--she needs you to be strong and to be an authority for both of you , at least initially.

Think of this analogy:

A knight cannot be a knight if he can't protect his boundaries because a knight, by definition, is some rich dude that owns land/territory and fights to protect it. And if she is emotionally weak right now, she needs someone strong--not someone that gets tossed around by the waves of her instability (which she herself hasn't been able to weather).

So if you wanna help her, you essentially need to be more self-loving.

[lonewulf2572]

Shes on meds and under regular drs care. So I dont know. All of what u said is in the back of my mind.

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[michelle23]

Bipolar can only be treated with meds. There is no cure unfortunately. Seeing a therapist may help.

When was she diagnosed? It sounds to me like her meds are not working properly-she needs to go back and tell them that shes not herself, her meds are not balancing and she wants to try something different. Do you have the right to talk to her doctor alone?

My grandmother is bipolar. Its a v complex illness and she may never be 100% herself again but the important thing is to get her meds right now and you may have some hope of a normal marriage.

You need to become aware of this illness, research it thoroughly, talk to experts, become familiar with the signs of a manic episode coming on, keep tabs on her meds and make sure shes taking them properly. You do need to play the role of carer sometimes. Its not easy but shes ill and she doesnt mean it.

Also be aware if she doesnt take her medication she will become 100 times worse and in some severe cases can be a danger to you or the kids. You need to recognize the signs straight away if she stops taking them and call a doctor.

My grandfather couldnt hack my grandmothers illness. He ignored it till it got too big to ignore and she had a nervous breakdown. Then he had an affair and left her when she was in hospital. He was a wanker. You sound like a strong man and your doing your best. Just make sure youve good family and friends near by to help you cope. Good luck

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[michelle23]

Btw swan-bipolar has nothing to do with upbringing etc. Sometimes its genetic. Sometimes its hormone imbalances. It can develop from nowhere in late teens/every adulthood or in some cases later in life after a pregnancy, a rape etc.. its nobodys fault. Its an illness

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[pcmaster]

Well man it sounds like you living a dogs life.

In your place I would work only one job or no more than 40 hours per week. Also I would keep most money to myself. Like old saying says - Never let woman to sneak in your pocked. It not her bussines how much you earn. her bussines is how much you are giving to her. She have kids but they are from another man so he should pay childs support. Its great that you love them all but realise that giving them money is not your job but more like volunteering charity thing. Dont be a slave or doormat. Whats the point of your money of somone lese spends it? What helps your love when you dont recieve back the same?

This could open your eyes


loveforum.net/threads/78863-Are-you-living-YOUR-life?

loveforum.net/threads/85672-Guide-How-to-deal-with-breakup


Shit happens just because you alowed it. Once you are passive wife wont even notice that shes hurting you. Stand up for yourself or get eaten alive. Also google shining knight syndrome and co-dependacy.

Things went so far cause you been afraid to be alone and thats what tied your hands. Its the fear that makes a dream become nightmare. You know what to do what to say. So be a man and make a stance. Make decison and stick with it.

If you are not feeling bold to be decisive then it could be from being tired, busy at work, not getting enought emotional support from friends and family or love from the ones you do so much for.

Once things are expected from you rather than apreciated you have to stop doing these things.

As long as you believe in yourself you are forcing others to believe in you.

Get counseling and in few weeks you will be 100% sure what to do. Talking about problem and getting asked many questions about it realy helps to explore and understand yourself better. Talking about this in life with real person(especialy a profesional one) can be a huge relief.

[basilandthyme]

See....meds are a temporary bandaid and don't fix the real issue. I'm not very knowledgeable on bi-polar, so I can't say what the root cause is (I'm not into blaming it on brain chemistry--I believe most disorders come from improper upbringing/bad life experiences/bad thought patterns/etc. ).

Swan, Google is your friend. A quick bit of research before posting will stop you from making such ill informed posts...and give you more credibility

[vashti]

Step families are notorious for having multiple, very-complex issues, which is why the divorce rates are higher than first time marriages. You need to get help with someone who specializes in step family arrangements, and perhaps seek out a support group with other step-families.

[Ugly_Swan]

Btw swan-bipolar has nothing to do with upbringing etc. Sometimes its genetic. Sometimes its hormone imbalances. It can develop from nowhere in late teens/every adulthood or in some cases later in life after a pregnancy, a rape etc.. its nobodys fault. Its an illness

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I never said it's her fault......

[Ugly_Swan]

Swan, Google is your friend. A quick bit of research before posting will stop you from making such ill informed posts...and give you more credibility

I stated a belief. I know enough to still stand by it. So stop treating me like I unintentionally posted something because I'm too dumb to use google. Google is not my friend--it is god, btw. lol

I even disclaimed that I'm not that knowledgeable about bi-polar -- which kinda implies that I'm not willing to spend time googling it and am instead warning...

[smackie9]

Mental illness always needs to be maintained. Sometimes one type of medication will work for a time, but when behavior becomes out of balanced that medication will need to be change or another medication added to work with the one that is already prescribed.

To me her illness it getting worse and the medication isn't doing it's job anymore. You have to man up and sit your wife down and explain to her that her behavior has become aggressive, and out of control at times and that it's possible that the medication that is being prescribed to her is not helping her illness anymore. Maybe suggest going to the doctor with her so you can have some input.

[Valixy]

My wife is a totally different person than I married 1.5 yrs ago

Many relationships tend to change after the honey moon phase fades when people stop being the charming selves they used to. Or maybe part of this radical change you mention is the stress your personalities suffer in dealing with the everyday life of your new relationship, or she might indeed need to change her medication or maybe you're just having a first difficult year like some marriages do and everything will become easier in time. The real reason or reasons will become clearer as soon as you admit to her about how you feel and start working together on improving your marriage.

A family with four kids always faces many expenses and you should consult each other about them. If you have some doubts about the way she is handling money without taking into account, I think that you should establish to decide together about your monthly expenses, this way you could both control what your money is spent on. About the children's education hopefully you have more or less similar views, but in any case, you should probably leave most of the responsibility in her hands. She is the mother and she has a very powerful love connection with them, meaning that even when she is very hard on them, children wouldn't take much of that personally for long, meanwhile the connection you have with them is quite young and your interventions could if too hard or too frequent easily ruin your relationship with them. She should of course make sure that you feel respected in that house and she should be the first one to respect you as her partner. Bipolar or not, you haven't signed for a marriage where she solves arguments by threatening you, and feeling that you aren't taken into account. You got married hoping you'll be happy and now that you are married, you have to try to make this possible, but you need her cooperation on this obviously.

[thebluepill]

If she wasn't like this before, the question is why is she acting like this now. Do you remind her that you do so much for her? This could be perceived as resentful and throwing it in her face.

Maybe you should sit and talk to her, without accusations of any sort, because that will just make her defensive. I know its hard in this situation not to accuse, but try.

Explain the budget, talk about goals and set some. Tell her you want to have a fun and exciting life with her and the kids, but you want both of you to do it responsibly.

Her threats are just that, threats. Why does she feel she can threaten you like that? Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Next time she threatens to leave, tell her you don't want her to leave, but if that is the only way she knows how to handle a tough situation then you will let her go.

If none of this works then it is time to cut your loses and move on.

[michelle23]

Again i believe most these issues boil down to her BD and being on the wrong meds.. over spending is another sign of BD. Talk to her doctor.

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[pcmaster]

I dont think it have anything to do with BD or meds. Any woman can be bitch if you let her.

[AnErin]

Ain't nobody going to want to take her and her four little "blessings" in. Her parents ain't going to want to either. They probably knelt down and thanked the skies above when you came along.

She talks about leaving but she knows it isn't much an option. So, you are stuck, er, SAFE with her. Having adult kids is not a problem when it comes to women and dating/relationships but having small kids IS. A man doesn't want deep involvement with some baby machine any more than a woman wants to be involved with a financially poor man.

Some women use their kids as a lever. they want that child support. they want to be taken care of... It sounds like you make decent money.
She ought to be kissing your butt.