move on or reconcile in the future

[survivor08]

Update

So after an outdoor trip and missing her badly I emailed her a nice and positive 'my thoughts' email updating her on my plans to move out of the area and change jobs, but that I would help her out along the way with our financial obligations, and I stressed how every day I pray to god that we get back together again as a new couple with better days ahead...if you will.

Good news is 2 days later she calls me to tell me that she had some mail for me and that if I wanted to meet for lunch...we ended up meeting for coffee and spending time a couple of days later for the first time in 2 months.

I talked very little about the past, and tried to focus on her, her plans, talked about my plans etc.

Over the conversation I got the feeling that she is going to take some time to FIND herself, do what she needs to go to get some sanity, and she did remind me that she had made a decision to move forward based on the current ongoing situation and that she wants to stay on track based on her plans. I got that she is still very discouraged about the break up, and she did tell me that she is hurting and dealing with the break up in her own way (she does not show much emotion....) I managed to get her to smile a couple of times during our talk...

At one point I brought a reference about a time where we spent some fun times together asking for some reassurement that she did have happy moments...her response was rather casual.
She said some of those times were good, yes, but if felt more like companionship, that SHE DID NOT FEEL LOVED....meaning she wanted to feel something more. That is where there is a disconnect, I was fine with I was experiencing at the moment, but she wanted to feel more love....?????? I take this as a sign that I need to try a little harder on being "romantic" "appreciative it" for her so that she FEELS loved? Is this where the book How To Date Your Wife can help with ideas? This comment from her has left me wondering how I could make her feel loved instead of just being companionship...

We left things in a nice positive point as I hugged her tight and kissed her on her cheek...and said our good byes for now...that we would be in communication whenever we needed to talk to each other...


How could I have made her feel LOVED? it is bothering me....that she did not see it...

[survivor08]

Well, things could be turning for the better on the job, and move away from her front. I really feel that once I move away I will accelerate the healing process. Last week I had an onsite interview for job in the area where I want to live, and doing what I used to do and enjoyed doing. This week I have anther screening interview and if that goes well, i will lead for a panel interview which would get me closer to a job. I am still sending out resumes in the meantime which keeps me distracted and focused on getting a new job and moving my career along. The irony, something I could not or would not do while I was with her (we moved here to work in real estate..but we all know where that industry went...) so with God's help things are looking positive, I need to maintain a positive attitude.

A word on giving instead of taking...I also am looking into donating some of my time through volunteering (tutoring kids, volunteering for helping to feed the homeless...I can't wait to start this as well...

[ecojeanne]

thats great, good luck with ur career. In regard to the previous post about making her feel luved...i reckon she had been experiencing life with less of ur care and attention and feeling less wanted by u and she just didnt want to admit that maybe she was actually upset that u didnt do anything for her at anytime she wanted....basically i reckon she didnt expect u to move on so quickly...only a theory

[survivor08]

thats great, good luck with ur career. In regard to the previous post about making her feel luved...i reckon she had been experiencing life with less of ur care and attention and feeling less wanted by u and she just didnt want to admit that maybe she was actually upset that u didnt do anything for her at anytime she wanted....basically i reckon she didnt expect u to move on so quickly...only a theory

Wow very good insight. You are exactly correct on all points. And thank you for wishing good luck...I need my luck to change...

No she did not expect me to move on so quickly...Whe we met one of her first questions was "Why are you so motivated now?" I don't think she was expecting me to move away from family....I am supposed to be weak and afraid in her mind...

[Freeway3137]

Wow thanks for sharing... Reading your posts have helped me learn some things because I am in a similar situation even though im not married and I'm far from it.

[fyte]

Good for you to recover...Someday you will meet another girl that will rock your world again. Continue helping people, and encourage them to study more.

[survivor08]

Good for you to recover...Someday you will meet another girl that will rock your world again. Continue helping people, and encourage them to study more.

Thanks fyte. It is a hard situation, and maybe I am paying for breaking women's hearts in previous relationships...but I will be a better person in the end. I actually have a potential meet and greet with a friend who wants me to meet a cute lady friend of hers. So I may as well take the opportunity to socialize a bit. no expectations but just to meet people...

[ryanrigney22]

Yes, I really want to. She stayed by my side during a really difficult moment in my life because of life threathening health issues...I became distraught over the situation and am seeing a therapist for all of this.

My last conversation with her was that If I got my stuff together (career back, financial indenpendence...therapy, became happy again, stayed healthy and could TAKE CARE OF HER like a man is expected if she would explore things with me...check it out...she said Yes, She would, but not till months..months into the future...

Then that night I get the text "I am praying for God to make you strong" Double meaning...1. be strong move on... 2. Be strong do the things you need to do and show me...

It sounds like she means a lot to you. I think that for you to be truly happy you need to find a way to get her back. It's always possible you just have to go about it the right way

Write her a written letter describing your situation but try to not sound desperate at all. Just a small pointer.

[survivor08]

It sounds like she means a lot to you. I think that for you to be truly happy you need to find a way to get her back. It's always possible you just have to go about it the right way

Write her a written letter describing your situation but try to not sound desperate at all. Just a small pointer.

Yes she does mean alot to me. I still love her, although I wish I didn't at this point, but I just can't ignore my feelings...

So yesterday she sends me this email light chat with really the point to remind me to send her my share for the car insurance (we still have joint coverage...) She asked how my long weekend was, yada yada yada...nothing else...

I replied back in a nice way telling her how much fun and active I was surfing, playing golf, going on a mt. bike ride...etc etc. (she by the way had to work the whole weekend he he.

I finished saying:

"I'd like to remove the bills or other pending things between us as a reason for having contact between each other, and hear from you when you just want to talk. I still think about you, and miss you. In other words, I'd like to know that you are thinking about me and some what miss me as well "

Knowing her pride, I think I nicely let her know that if she wants communication, I am here for here, but I don't want the bills to be the only reason she emails. I would prefer that she doesn't so I don't have to think about her even more....This way, if she calls, it is really because she wants to talk. If she doesn't call, then I know she still needs more time, and that is fine by me. Either way I am fine with her decision.

[survivor08]

Well, she did not reply to my email. That is fine.

[survivor08]

Update, she did not reply to my email but called me instead..we briefly talked..we may meet up for coffee tomorrow...not expecting anything I at least get to see her. Not sure it is a good idea really. but, as long as I keep the conversation light, it is progress in the right direction.

[survivor08]

On Saturday I made the effort to drive into the city (LA) and meet an old co worker friend, and her lady friend who she introduced me to. The lady is actually cute, interesting, young, and seems like a nice person. Overally I was glad I went out and met up with them. After some good conversation, we agreed to meet up again in the near future, and stay in touch...

I also felt sad at the end and wished that I was with the I love.

Strangely enough I found out that my ex was also at the same sporting event attending the game with some "friends". Big coincidence. I wonder how she would have reacted if she saw me there in the company of a new girl? I know I would not have liked it if I saw her with a new man. But I need to get over it.

[survivor08]

Well, I am reading recent postings on this forum and the ex calls to request that we meet as she has "insert one more thing she has of mine" that she'd like to give them to me...funny, I still have a bunch of furniture at her house that I need to get out.

So she wants to meet up in the next few minutes. I asked her WHY she wants to meet? All she said WHY am I asking her? it is not like she can't store my crap and mail for a later date. Stupid game.

I am not thinking I need to get every single thing out and give her no excuses for her to call me....
THis way I won't hear from her, unless she just wants to talk. Either way, I will be cool, collected, and calm.

[Tedel]

Well, I must admit I haven't read all this thread through, but I read you talking about therapy and winning her back. In Latin America, we deal with issues slightly differently, especially because therapists are way expensive.

1. First, we remember who we are and what got us together.
2. Then we think about all those things that have brought up trouble and make a list.
3. Then we analyse that list a little: are those real problems? or the problems come because one of you is judging the other or comparing him or herself with someone else?

I think I can save you 80 or 100 bucks another with that.

In addition, I suggest you to remember 2 quite important things about women:

1. Unlike men, girls not only need food, shelter and water to live. Love is a very important need for them. Every woman needs to feel loved, cuddled, desired, etc. but above all, heard.
2. "When there is hunger, there is no love", mum used to say. I am sure these problems started when your monetary situation declined. Never let that happen again.

Hope this helps.

[survivor08]

In addition, I suggest you to remember 2 quite important things about women:

1. Unlike men, girls not only need food, shelter and water to live. Love is a very important need for them. Every woman needs to feel loved, cuddled, desired, etc. but above all, heard.
2. "When there is hunger, there is no love", mum used to say. I am sure these problems started when your monetary situation declined. Never let that happen again.

Hope this helps.

You have some points here. We failed to give to each other what we needed most at the end of our relationship. simple as that.

I am posting this from my other thread...

On Thursday I finally made closure and lost all hope for reconciling with my ex. I was sad, angry, and optimistic at the same time.

I was still clinging on too much and while I did not necessarily showed it to her, I was too hopeful in my mind.

I agreed to meet with her after work to pick up something I loaned her...She called and had told me that she wanted to give me some mail (turned out to be junk mail...) and a laptop which she had been using...

So I go over and meet with her and we sit down to chat a bit. I should have just gone in with a cool head, but I had just gotten off the phone with a close personal friend of BOTH of us, and I was discussing how emotionally draining this situation was, as I had already told her not to contact me and request to meet up unless there was a legitimate want in her part to do so, and to give me one item of mine when she has a few pieces of furniture and other items in her house was not legitimate, as I could set up a time to pick everything that belongs to me at one time. Her lame excuse was that she did not want to keep the laptop in the trunk of her car and or keep it in the garage gathering dust....(she lives in a 4 bedroom hourse for Chris sakes, not like she does not have any space to put it.) I didn't argue, and I tell her I respect her decision.

At this point I let her know that It would be a good idea for me to pick up all of my belongings once and for all, which she agreed, but only after it was convenient for her to get everything together and move it into the garage...I offered to move everything out and break everything down myself, but at this point She confirms with me that she is not comfortable with me being in the house...her reason being was that there are emotions that we are dealing with due to the break up, and would make it uncomfortable. I told her I was fine, I could deal with it, and her response was that maybe the feelings were on her part....I knew then that it was just an excuse as she has not demostrated any feelings about us at all during the past few months. Fine I think, as long as she does not wait weeks to get this done for me.


So with this situation, I am already kind of peeved that she is doing this to me, and that if she did want to see me she could just had said so...and I would have taken such a different attitude about it.

Then I asked her to clarify on a comment she made on not feeling loved, (I told her I was going to discuss this with my therapist) when I recalled a fun time we had not too long ago...Her response was again typical of her, she gets irritated about having to reflect on this event, and says that it is hard for her to think about us in the past as she was in such a different place now. The she says that it was because she no longer loved me at that time, and thus our time together was just companionship, like the companionship once gets from a friend, any friend.

I did my best to control my emotions at this point, and then a short time after our conversation I then told her how I had stopped asking God to open up her mind, to destroy her emotional walls and make her realize that she still has love for me...I proceed to tell her that I had lost hope that we would ever get back together or reconcile at a future time. Not to my surprise she agreed that it was a good idea, that it would be hard for her to see the new me in the future because it would be really difficult to change her opinion of who I was when I was with her. That comment reminded me again that this relationship was dead, and I needed to put this to rest. It also made me realize that she has little respect for me (whatever she thinks I am NOW must not be pretty good, and has lost hope for the OLD me that she once knew..)

There was one last thorn that I had to convey and that related to her new single lifestyle and the path she is taking as a new single woman. I asked her what kind of message she was sending out to friends with her main tagged pic being one of her in a bathing suit top holding a beer in her hand and cheering to the camera. She of course gets very defensive and says that it was a dum decision on her part to agree with a friend of hers to create a profile...and post that pic...I had to tell her that I was VERY dissapointed that my once recent love of my life who was working on being the mother of my children would do that. She gets more upset and says that she has since closed the profile...blah blah blah...By now she is ticked off, and I am feeling better that I got this off my chest.

I end things with a reminder for her to get my stuff ready sooner than later, that I now want to have no contact with her and I will not have any hope of reconciling, that she will go on and have her adventures and flings, and hope that this brings her happiness, but I will not be there for her if she ever reconsiders her position.

CLOSURE. With all these that was said, instead of leaving with a hug like we did last time, she stormed off on her way, and me casually on my way sad, and reliefed that I had gotten this off my chest. I am not sure how smart this was on my part, but I am relief that I got this out and semented my closure and closed this sad relationship chapter on my life.

Let the healing continue.