Why would my older boyfriend (12 yrs older) want to know every man that contacts me?

[Wakeup]

Wow! Thanks for all your inputs. I truly appreciate it. I want to clarify that I deactivated my FB account. All the pictures that I put on were head shots and all cleavage were cut out. Just a normal face pic. Every pic I ever showed him, he said I had a "come hither" look in my face and too sexy. Just the look in my eyes or face. I gave up on it. I deactivated to show him that I am serious about our relationship and I don't need Facebook. His response to my deactivation was "thanks, it is much appreciated, but you should want to do it for yourself and not just me". I never had an issue with Facebook and would not have deactivated if it wasn't for him so I am not sure what he is talking about. He told me there is a reason I change my photo from time to time. The last time I changed my pic, he didn't message me for 3 days and finally I messaged him and asked if he was ok. He then began to explain that he assumed I was telling him that I didn't want him anymore and he was very mad. He would not answer my messages, etc. He finally left me hanging by saying "I am trying to sort things out with my mind and not my heart". I wrote him so many times trying to explain that I didn't do it to send him a message. I had a winter pic up and changed it to a summer one. He ended up calling me after a couple more days of him thinking and we discussed. At the end of the phone conversation he said "I love you". I might have made a mistake with him in the beginning because I told him that I did use FB as kind of an outlet. The space was mine and mine only and when I would get lonely there were people to talk to. Not everyone knows I am in a relationship, so if I get a txt, etc. I simply tell them thank you, but I am not available and I am dating someone. When I have to tell him everything, it makes me feel really bad and I feel like he thinks I am trying to make him jealous. He told me that quite a while ago he dated a woman who would flirt with other men right in front of him and even his friends would make comments about how she would not pay much attention to him when other officers were around, etc. He did mention to me that I might feel some of the effects from that experience. I guess he doesn't want to feel like a fool. He told me he loved me pretty quick after we started dating. He doesn't tell me all the time and he doesn't call/txt/email all the time either. I might get one email a day to let me know how his day is going and when he can he calls me after work. When we first started dating he said he was hoping we would end up in an exclusive relationship. That happened very quickly because he told me he really wanted me for himself and it drives him crazy to think of me with another man. He said this a couple of times since I have met him, but he is not smothering or anything like that. Matter of fact, I don't think he communicates with me enough. If he is busy or has something else going on, he will go a couple of days without any communication. At the beginning of the relationship, he would make little jokes about the Facebook posts. There was nothing inappropriate. Just comments saying I was very pretty and still basically looking good after all these years. Like I said, he is very high up in law enforcement. He is always at functions and out with people and very well known through the law enforcement community and respected. I worry about that as well. Of course he tells me I have nothing to worry about. He doesn't understand why I would need any other attention but his. I have told him several times that I need him to give me a little more of his attention. Sometimes we can't go out for a few weeks because of his commitments. I am always there and available for him, etc. and I think he knows that at this point. I am a professional, smart woman, but sometimes I am naive and don't always have my eyes open. He actually told me that he dated a woman for a year just for something to do. He tries to make be feel like I am special by telling me he hasn't told other woman he was involved with in the last few years that he loved them, etc. He is a very busy man with his job and has alot of responsibility. I am scared of getting hurt as well, so I have insecurities too for some reason.

My question is what do you want from this guy and have you asked for it or, do you just go along with what he deems you should want and say nothing?

By that discription, he sounds paranoid of the attention you were getting and now seem to miss. He also, by your discription, sounds like the type that no matter what your explanation, for some reason he's still not trusting you.

So: What do you suggest You do? How has his attitude been since you deactivated your facebook account? Do you have friends you do things with? How does he react when you go out with them? Why do you still need men from your past or stranger men tell you you're pretty? What's your bf not fulfilling in you?

Have you sat down with him and told him how his behaviour makes you feel? If you havent first gone to him, then why come here first? If he has all these negative attributes you've painted him as having, then why are you staying with him?

[sweet42]

I honestly don't know what to do. I understand that people get a little jealous.

[sweet42]

I don't know what to do. I really have feeling for him, but something is telling me he wants me on his conditions. If he wants to be exclusive, you would think he would communicate more. So confused. He knows I am a nice person and would do anything for him, and I don't know if he is kind of taking advantage of that.

[michelle23]

if something feels wrong-it usually is. What do you want from him? That is what you should be asking yourself. And is he giving that to you? If now, walk away and find someone who will.

It really is that simple.

checklist:

good looking, good job, hard working, nice family, good relationship with mum, never cheated on anyone in the past, no close female friends, puts me first, enjoys spending quality time with me, doesnt take drugs, etc etc

What is your checklist and is he ticking those boxes?

[Wakeup]

I don't know what to do. I really have feeling for him, but something is telling me he wants me on his conditions. If he wants to be exclusive, you would think he would communicate more. So confused. He knows I am a nice person and would do anything for him, and I don't know if he is kind of taking advantage of that.

For the third time now, I ask again: Have you sat down with him and explained to him how his behaviour makes you feel, what you'd like to see your relationship evolving into? If you haven't then I suggest you do that and if he doesn't change his ways at all, if it's simply his way or the highway then you should, for your own emotional health, break up with him and find someone who can emotionally fulfil you so that you don't have to get your worth through facebook, changing up your photo and fielding "you still look great" compliments from men.

At least if you ask for what you want and he doesn't change it up and try to meet some of your wants and needs then you'll be more secure knowing you're leaving someone who should be left... that will give you the strength to do what you have to do.

[sweet42]

He told me before if I ever feel neglected to tell him because that is the last thing he wants me to feel, however I have told him several times that I feel like I am lonely as he is a very busy man. All he would have to do is sent a message here and there and it would make me happy. Sometimes he is good with communication and other times he is not. He is out of town now and I got a txt message from him yesterday morning very early that just said he had to get up early and he was on his way to the classes at the conference. I have not received anything else as of yet. I guess I am just different. When someone is really important to me, I make sure I take a minute just to say Hi or let them know they were on my mind. I don't know if this is a woman thing or what. I just get confused because he has told me he loved me, etc. and I was the best thing that ever happened to him, etc. and then he gets hot and cold. This is just really becoming a problem for me as it makes me feel like he doesn't care as much as he says he does. Maybe I am being totally irrational here in my thinking. Just throwing it out there to see what everyone thinks. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have made changes to make him feel more secure by deactivating FB, etc, but I feel like he is not. I asked him if he was happy with me through an email a couple of weeks ago, he said "I am very happy when I can find the time for us to see each other". He is an extremely busy man in his profession and has lots of responsibilities. If he didn't think he would have much time for a relationship, I don't know why he decided to get into one. This is going on the 3rd week I have not seen him because of him being out of town, then he was really sick from medication he was taking. He is supposed to come back this Friday. I really hope I can sit down and talk to him about all of my concerns and see where it goes. I have brought this up before. He told me many times that he says something, resolves and moves on. He said we are both too old and busy for drama. He feels he only has to say something once and he doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He will also say "you know how I feel about you". Well, obviously I don't feel it alot of times or I wouldn't even question. I really think alot of the issue has to do with his profession.

[michelle23]

look up narcissistic personality disorder.

Btw "busy" people are usually not as busy as they pretend to be... They still have plenty of coffee breaks, fancy lunches, hours spend in a hotel room, at the bar by night drinking wine...

they could easily find time to ring or text IF they wanted to..

I generally dont trust these "busy" people especially if they make their job their whole life and cannot find a balance. Its actually quite sad and a pathetic way to live...

Would you not prefer a man who can balance work and life? Who has more time for you?

[sweet42]

Yes, your right Michelle23. I just don't think its unreasonable to want a message to try and stay close especially when he is away. If I say something he will say "I know and I am not good at this type of communication", etc. I really need to look up narcissistic personality disorder. He told me in the beginning he was afraid I may not like him because he was in law enforcement and alot of woman don't like them. I have noticed that alot of these men do have a pretty big ego. I just don't know how he expects me to basically just go to work and not go out with for weeks. I thought an older man was going to be a little more attentive, haha When I don't hear from him now for a day or two I am thinking he is mad at me about something, because the last time, he did not message me for a few days. I almost felt like it was his way of punishing me and he knows it would drive me crazy to leave me hanging in a state of confusion. When this happened last time (when I changed my FB pic), I tried talking with him and he would not answer any of my messages until he was good and ready. He left me hanging with "I am just trying to sort things out in my mind instead of my heart". He said I should have respected that fact and let him figure things out. He made me feel like I really did something against him and all I did was change my pic. I don't know when we will go out as he has not said anything as of yet. I have always been available to him whenever he has time. Maybe I should change that. I am not one to play games etc. though. so its hard for me to do that and be strong. All I want to do is give someone my love and devotion.

[Wakeup]

He told me before if I ever feel neglected to tell him because that is the last thing he wants me to feel, however I have told him several times that I feel like I am lonely as he is a very busy man. All he would have to do is sent a message here and there and it would make me happy.

Have you told him exactly that and now he still doesn't do it? If so, why stay with him? If not, then do it now.. don't ask tell him what you want him to do from now on.

Sometimes he is good with communication and other times he is not. He is out of town now and I got a txt message from him yesterday morning very early that just said he had to get up early and he was on his way to the classes at the conference. I have not received anything else as of yet. I guess I am just different. When someone is really important to me, I make sure I take a minute just to say Hi or let them know they were on my mind.

Then evidently you're incompatible.. why stay?

I don't know if this is a woman thing or what. I just get confused because he has told me he loved me, etc. and I was the best thing that ever happened to him, etc. and then he gets hot and cold.

He probably means exactly what he's told you and he has no idea that telling you once in awhile that he loves you isn't enough to keep you satisfied. You're still with him afterall.

This is just really becoming a problem for me as it makes me feel like he doesn't care as much as he says he does.

Then I guess you'd do well to cut your losses? What do you think?

Maybe I am being totally irrational here in my thinking. Just throwing it out there to see what everyone thinks.

You're not being irrational in wanting more attention from him but if he can't give you that, or simply won't give it to you, then staying with him would be irrational. Many successful men don't have time to sit and snuggle on the couch watching t.v. It takes a certain kind of woman to be married to a man like him or a sports figure who is obten gone, etc. If you can't take the heat, then you really should think hard on why you're trying to make this work.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have made changes to make him feel more secure by deactivating FB, etc, but I feel like he is not.

He needs to understand that and if he can't give you what you want then its rather odd that you'd stay with him anyway.

I asked him if he was happy with me through an email a couple of weeks ago, he said "I am very happy when I can find the time for us to see each other". He is an extremely busy man in his profession and has lots of responsibilities.

Then you either get yourself some hobbies that will keep you busy when he can't be with you, volunteer your time and services to a charity of your choice, get some female friends that you can do hobbies with etc. and learn to be happy with what he can give you or simply get out now before you're even more convinced to stay with the crumbs he can give you.

If he didn't think he would have much time for a relationship, I don't know why he decided to get into one.

Because he will take what you give him and if you give your time, love, sex etc when he's able, without putting in the effort, then why wouldn't he?

I really hope I can sit down and talk to him about all of my concerns and see where it goes. I have brought this up before. He told me many times that he says something, resolves and moves on. He said we are both too old and busy for drama. He feels he only has to say something once and he doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He will also say "you know how I feel about you". Well, obviously I don't feel it alot of times or I wouldn't even question. I really think alot of the issue has to do with his profession.

Regardles, love alone is not enough to keep a relationship humming along nicely so that BOTH parties are happy.

You're not a spring chicken. You say you're good looking. Makes me wonder why you haven't just left him if he's not giving you what you need.???

Good luck. If you're real and not just phishing then you know what to do.

[sweet42]

I believe the reason I have not left him is that I finally found someone who is mature, stable in their work, he also does not pressure me sexually, etc. When we go out and are together everything is wonderful. He opens up to me about different things, etc. Its all the times in between that are hard for me. I am wondering why I am staying around too. I wouldn't have any problems meeting other men, but unfortunately most all just want to hook up. I am not into that.

[michelle23]

Yes, your right Michelle23. I just don't think its unreasonable to want a message to try and stay close especially when he is away. If I say something he will say "I know and I am not good at this type of communication", etc. I really need to look up narcissistic personality disorder. He told me in the beginning he was afraid I may not like him because he was in law enforcement and alot of woman don't like them. I have noticed that alot of these men do have a pretty big ego. I just don't know how he expects me to basically just go to work and not go out with for weeks. I thought an older man was going to be a little more attentive, haha When I don't hear from him now for a day or two I am thinking he is mad at me about something, because the last time, he did not message me for a few days. I almost felt like it was his way of punishing me and he knows it would drive me crazy to leave me hanging in a state of confusion. When this happened last time (when I changed my FB pic), I tried talking with him and he would not answer any of my messages until he was good and ready. He left me hanging with "I am just trying to sort things out in my mind instead of my heart". He said I should have respected that fact and let him figure things out. He made me feel like I really did something against him and all I did was change my pic. I don't know when we will go out as he has not said anything as of yet. I have always been available to him whenever he has time. Maybe I should change that. I am not one to play games etc. though. so its hard for me to do that and be strong. All I want to do is give someone my love and devotion.

If it were me in your shoes-I would walk. I expect to be number 1. I come first-not always as obviously things come up with work, family, friends etc but I expect quality time and regular communication and expect him to be there if I need support which I rarely do. Im demanding in a relationship and it has done me good so far. Dont be afraid to show a man you are not the type to take crap from anyone. They respect you way more when they know your are not a doormat. Of course it works both ways. You should expect to be treated just as good as you treat him. You set your own standards and if he doesnt match up-show him the door.

Lifes too short babe

[IndiReloaded]

My partner is a very busy professional. We communicate regularly by email, phone and text when he is out of town.

This guy gives me the creeps. You shouldn't be having these issues so early on. Things will not get better. I wouldn't tolerate a man who ignores my attempts to communicate.

And you need to find something more to keep you busy. You say you are a professional, but you seem to have a lot of time for Facebook, photos, etc. I barely find time to post here (and its my only vice--no tv or gaming), and I haven't logged into facebook for over a week. Can't remember the last actual post I made. Months ago, I think.

[Wakeup]

"He doesn't pressure you for sex?" I would think at only 8 months he shouldn't have to do much "pressuring" and you'd be totally "into that?" I see. lol Might explain why he's not spending all that much time with you. *shrugs*

You know what you gotta do, Op.

[sweet42]

The whole reason for my post was to see if it was normal behavior for an older man to want to know everyone who tries to message you, etc. but after writing I obviously have more concerns. I guess I am having a problem with him telling me he cares for me but not really showing it. I wish he was more consistent. In his mind maybe he thinks he is doing enough. I just need to sit him down again and really try and understand. I think I need to tell him if he can't find some time for us then how is it going to work. I might go 3 weeks without seeing him and then see him twice in a week. He always says lets just see when I am free and you are free and we will go from there.

[Wakeup]

The whole reason for my post was to see if it was normal behavior for an older man to want to know everyone who tries to message you, etc. but after writing I obviously have more concerns. I guess I am having a problem with him telling me he cares for me but not really showing it. I wish he was more consistent. In his mind maybe he thinks he is doing enough. I just need to sit him down again and really try and understand. I think I need to tell him if he can't find some time for us then how is it going to work. I might go 3 weeks without seeing him and then see him twice in a week. He always says lets just see when I am free and you are free and we will go from there.

This is the discription of a casual relationship that you, so far have allowed. It may be working fine for him but it's certainly not working fine for you. Don't be afraid to leave a man you only see twice in a month if you're lucky.