Wife is trashing me

[bluesummer]

She'd be upset that we wouldn't be spending the vacation together and find some fault in me or accuse me of not wanting to spend time with her or not caring about what she wants. This is definitely a common theme in the marriage.

Wow, and you say you're "madly in love"?!? Damn. She sounds like a whiny ass princess that browbeats the hell out of you. I am married, in my early 30's, and would never treat my husband the way you are saying she treats you. Ever. It's called respect, and it appears to be sorely lacking in your relationship.....and I'm sorry, but real 'love' is based in a lot of respect for the other person.

My husband and I share some interests but not all. We do compromise when we vacation together, as in we'll do things with the other person that we may not enjoy so much because we know it will make the trip enjoyable for them. But we BOTH do this. If it's a trip or activity that the other person has absolutely no interest in, we go without each other, and we're fine with it.

Seriously my friend, I think you need to re-evaluate how 'madly in love' you two really are. Sort of sounds like you're lying to yourself.

[jam32]

Why don't you know how to communicate? Your marriage is not going to last (or it will and you'll be a miserable fk for the rest of your life while she princesses through)

Talk to her and tell her that shopping isnt your thing and that you'll not be booking anymore trips where shopping is why you go there (like NewYork ffs). End of. As far as the bad mouthing. Just let her know matter of factly that when she disses you to her friends it makes you feel disrespected and you'd like her to stop doing that. Then shut up and don't say anything except (when she's finished justifying) that I've told you it hurts me... It's up to you what you do with that information. Then excuse yourself from the conversation.

You treat her like she's some princess that you need to cater to and trust me, she'll get bored of you rather quickly if you keep showing her in actions that you're a doormat.

Fix your fear of losing her or you will be fulfilling a self-induced prophacy.

I am a woman. But I totally agree with you. Sometimes if a man keep spoiling us (women), we don't know when to stop. We just keep on asking and getting what we want until we don't know if we hurt our partner. Sometimes women need to be spanked a little to know our boundaries.

[michelle23]

I think you have let her get her own way for so long that now she expects it. Shes the dominant one, your the passive one. Your wife doesnt respect you, shes frustrated and her friends are her only outlet to vent. I suggest you get over what happened on this trip, let go of the resentment and come up with a plan on how your gonna fix your marriage. Let her know what your unhappy with in a calm way, just stick to the facts "i feel you dont respect me as a man" is a good place to start and "i feel that their is an unequal balance between us coz you (her) have far more control". Learn to communicate and resolve issues quickly. If you cant fix it together then go and get some external help. Good luck

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[Wakeup]

I am a woman. But I totally agree with you. Sometimes if a man keep spoiling us (women), we don't know when to stop. We just keep on asking and getting what we want until we don't know if we hurt our partner. Sometimes women need to be spanked a little to know our boundaries.

WTF? Surely you jest. You've taken what I said a little too far there, jam.

[quote]

I think you have let her get her own way for so long that now she expects it. Shes the dominant one, your the passive one. Your wife doesnt respect you, shes frustrated and her friends are her only outlet to vent. I suggest you get over what happened on this trip, let go of the resentment and come up with a plan on how your gonna fix your marriage. Let her know what your unhappy with in a calm way, just stick to the facts "i feel you dont respect me as a man" is a good place to start and "i feel that their is an unequal balance between us coz you (her) have far more control". Learn to communicate and resolve issues quickly. If you cant fix it together then go and get some external help. Good luck

*Looks in Crystal Ball* Those ^^^ words (mark MY words and remember IMO ) will put her totally on the defensive, an argument justifying herself will totally insue and NOTHING will have been accomplished to resolve the status quo.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sometimes women need to be spanked a little to know our boundaries.

I too think he should keep his pimp hand strong. A couple good open handed shots..she'll stop acting up.

[TheEvilJester]

You say you are in love, so I hope that this is true, and that what you have told us about her is just one flaw in what is otherwise a great relationship. But, I have to tell you something.... I can't help but be extremely biased here. This sounds a lot like my ex-wife. She was (Hell, still is) SO unbelievably selfish that, looking back on it now, I cannot see how the Hell I put up with it for so long.

You took a vacation that was supposed to be for both of you, and yet somehow she found a way to make it all about her? There should have been PLENTY of time for her to get to do her shopping while you also get to do the things you want to do. It is called compromise, something it sounds like this woman knows nothing about. Let me tell you a little story that sounds a lot like your story, and was one of many little things that started to stack up and make me realize I deserved so much better:

My ex-wife (wife at the time) wanted to go to some Anime convention. Anime isn't really my thing. Nor are conventions, to be honest, as I often find them to be a waste of time. But, none of her friends were able to go, so I agreed to take her. We went on a Saturday. We wound up spending something like 12 or 14 hours there. I still had fun, but it just isn't my thing. I had just gotten a new board game (bit of a gamer) that I loved. All I asked in return was that we play my board game on Sunday. At the longest, it takes maybe 2 hours to play. Sunday comes along, and she sits on her worthless arse on the computer all day. At this point, there had been enough issues going on, so I had just about had enough of her anyway. So, it is around 12:00 midnight and she finally looks up from her computer for a second to say "Oh, did you want to play your stupid game?" Sorry, A-hole, but some of us have work in the morning. So, too little too late.

That was one of many little things that helped me to start to realize I deserve better. After that, I set up a gaming group so I could play board games more often without her having to be involved. And, you know something, even while we were still together, I had more fun with my group then I would have with her.

So, perhaps this is just an extreme case of your gal at her worst, but it certainly doesn't sound that way. I would advise you to stand up for yourself and tell her that this kind of treatment is not okay. If she cannot respect that, you should walk. But, you say you are both in love, so I hope that is the case, and we are just hearing this one bad story.

I also have to personally agree that personal issues in a relationship should be kept private. I know people often feel the need to b*tch to their friends, and they think that is harmless. Personally, I don't feel it is terribly harmless. You tell your friends and all they hear is your side of the story. They don't hear the parts where maybe you had some fault in the situation. They also don't get the benefit of being part of the make-up. So, they only hear the bad parts without the other party being able to share their side of the story.

Here, again, your gal sounds a lot like my ex-wife. She didn't just do it to me, either. She used to tell me stories about when her friends and her had a fight for some reason. When I heard her story, she sounded 100% innocent. Later, I'd hear the real story from her friends, and she would sound 100% at fault. I later learned that the stories I would hear from anybody other than my then wife were the true stories. She blatantly lies and tells half-truths to make her look like the perfect little angel.

Maybe we are wrong, and this is just one small spat in an otherwise great relationship. But, to me, it sounds like this woman does not treat you with the respect you deserve. She should be told, as calmly, rationally, and gently as possible while still being firm, that she needs to shape up, or you are going to ship out. Let her find another punching bag. You are not a toy to be used. You are a human being to be appreciated. Good luck, my friend.

[Wakeup]

I too think he should keep his pimp hand strong. A couple good open handed shots..she'll stop acting up.

Yea... hitting her upside she head wit a smoothie should keep him strong in stank on he's hang-low.

[michelle23]

He needs to be honest and stand up for himself. Maybe its better to say "i feel disrespected as a man and that i have little control in our marriage". If she attacks its coz she knows hes right. People get defensive when the truth comes out and sometimes you cannot avoid the confrontation but he needs to say it out loud, let her throw a strop if she wants and just walk away, calm down and come back. The words will sink in and she will want to talk about it

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[searock]

I agree, but he should say "disrespected as a person", not "as a man". :-)

[Maple1714]

Late 20s both of us. We have very similar interests and tastes, but we do have huge personality differences. I'm more of an introvert and she is an extrovert. She likes to go shopping A LOT and enjoys spending most of her free time going out. She is more of a materialistic socialite. I like to have more time to myself and when I go out there is more to it than just having fun... I can't stand shopping! 1-2 hours of it and I am worn out. Much longer than that, I start to get crabby. I always figured it was a gender difference and that I need to get over it.

And we are both very stubborn people.

Why are we still together? - We are in love! Madly in love. And we usually don't argue like this, but sometimes our differences do get in the way.

"Madly in Love" people don't trash one another behind each others back. You need to learn how to communicate with one another better. Your relationship seems a little immature. I don't know...sounds lame...stand up for yourself. She walks all over you. Go and get some therapy and learn how to communicate your needs better and stand up for yourself in a respectful manner.

[Wakeup]

He needs to be honest and stand up for himself. Maybe its better to say "i feel disrespected as a man and that i have little control in our marriage". If she attacks its coz she knows hes right. People get defensive when the truth comes out and sometimes you cannot avoid the confrontation but he needs to say it out loud, let her throw a strop if she wants and just walk away, calm down and come back. The words will sink in and she will want to talk about it

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Whatever: Words are just words if there are no actions to back them up. He needs to show her in actions that he loves her but showing her he loves her DOES NOT mean that he gives her her way ALL of the time, or that he is afraid to stand up for what he wants. Showing her that he won't be disrespected is much better then telling her that she is doing something wrong wherein she won't get the point and just defend herself or berrate him even more.

Anyway, it's likely too late for her to change. He's put up with it this long. A councellor will certainly councel him in how he should get across his feelings without putting her on the defensive and to be frank, neither one of us have given him much that will motivate him to change himself which in turn will change her attitude towards him.

[michelle23]

Well we dont know how bad things actually are. If shes selfish all the time, then none of the advice here is really relevant. If it was a once off we could also be giving the wrong message. I think if OP has given her a lot of power from day one then he wont be able to fix this alone so maybe counselling is the best solution

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[TheEvilJester]

If this has been an ongoing thing, counseling could very well be a good idea. However, at some point you have to step back and say "Is this a situation where counseling even SHOULD be needed." I mean, when it comes right down to it, you shouldn't have to be in counseling because your wife has the maturity level of a four year old throwing a temper tantrum, and almost quite literally actually does throw a temper tantrum if she doesn't get her way. Which, I am not saying is the case here. It may be or it may not be. Just illustrating a point that counseling can be good, but at some point you have to step back and wonder 1) is it even going to possibly help 2) is it something that should be make or break anyway, in which case you should consider ending the relationship and encouraging her to get counseling on her own.

[Wakeup]

I'm jiggy with what you're saying, Evil but I'm pretty sure that he's not going to end this relationship. He's addicted to her and her shit even if he doesn't like her attitude. Hopefully in couples councelling they'll learn to communicate their wants and needs (and she'll get some insight into the fact the the world does not revolve around her, but first HE has to believe that) and they'll become educated enough to at least compromise.

[TheEvilJester]

Hopefully you are right. There is certainly nothing wrong with sticking by somebody (even when it may seem like they do not deserve it) so long as there seems to be some actual effort on their part. So, if he does decide to stick with her, I hope they do try counseling, and I hope it does help her to realize how selfish she apparently can be at times. As I said, I can't be entirely unbiased in this particular case because it hits a little too close to home.