Issues with my wife.

[vashti]

Maybe she's putting up with the marriage til she finds a secure relationship to jump into. I also think the attending counseling could be a front.

Yes, but for WHAT? And why put up with a marriage you aren't even happy in when you aren't even living together? NO ONE SEEMS TO HAVER AN ANSWER FOR THIS. I would understand her going to counseling to placate if she were still living under his roof or if they had kids together, but there doesn't seem to be any motivation at all to continue this charade.

Perhaps she had an affair, but it's over and she's trying to decide whether or not she will re-renter this marriage.

We need more info.

[carl1222]

Yes, but for WHAT? And why put up with a marriage you aren't even happy in when you aren't even living together? NO ONE SEEMS TO HAVER AN ANSWER FOR THIS. I would understand her going to counseling to placate if she were still living under his roof or if they had kids together, but there doesn't seem to be any motivation at all to continue this charade.

Perhaps she had an affair, but it's over and she's trying to decide whether or not she will re-renter this marriage.

We need more info.

You're right ... we do need to know much more. But as long as we are speculating as to "why put up with a marriage you aren't even happy in when you aren't even living together?" there are reasonable possibilities. They have a long history together but she has lost the romantic spark for him, so she joins him in counselling hoping that the marriage can be repaired. Meanwhile, she's cheating because she wants some romance, perhaps even just the physical and emotional feeling of being "in love" again.

Why doesn't she just get divorced and be with her lover instead? Maybe her lover is not relationship material. Maybe his finances are a mess. Maybe he is undependable. Maybe for him (and/or her), it's just sex. Maybe he is unavailable for a relationship.

Carl.

[vashti]

They have a long history together but she has lost the romantic spark for him, so she joins him in counselling hoping that the marriage can be repaired.

Yes, regardless of all her other shady behavior, I think her willingness to go to counseling indicates that (for her) there is still a possibility of reconciliation. Whether or not cal wants to (or should) wait around for her to make a decision is another story.

[Mish]

I think a lot can be happening that we don't know about. She could be cheating, but she could just as easily be fed up with OPs overreactions that started from the very beginning when she wanted to get in touch with friends.

Communication is the key word in this instance and it's definitely missing. The wife needs to find a way to communicate her needs, be upfront about what she is doing and explain what she wants to fix if she wants to stay in this marriage. The OP needs to be more understanding and empathic and not fly off the rails every time something 'unlikable' happens.

As well as counseling I would recommend (for both) to do a communication class or pick up a few books on conflict resolution.

[cal dave]

Whew, OK, sorry for being gone so long I'll try to answer everyones questions. Thanks all for your well wishes.

First I'll start off with an update. Despite what you all are saying I really think she does love me. Maybe I'm a fool but love can do that kinda thing to you. Yesterday we spent the day together and it was pretty good as far as we are concerned. Went to pizza saw a movie and did some general joking around. All positive things. She somewhat opened up to me and told me that she feels as though she is not happy with her life at this point. I'm starting to think that she is just depressed and is relizing that life is not what she expected it to be. She really wants to travel, and has talked about joining the peace corps in the past. I just listened to her and empathised with her. In the past I have told her that I would be willing to join her and find a way to do these types of things within the marriage, but I think she does not want the restrictions.

Later on that night I gave her two options, I told her if she really wanted we could split what we have finacially down the middle and she could do all the traveling she wanted without me, or we could try to figure out a way that we could travel within the marriage. I do not give a crap about the money, I told her. I just want an answer so I can have my heart back if she doesn't want it. She would not give me an answer, but told me that she didn't want to lose me. We both had a pretty big cry and it kinda felt like we were both coming to a conclusion that we should end it, but niether of us really wants to. Very strange feelings. I know what people say now when they talk about thier whole lives flashing before their eyes. For me it was our relationship. In any event, we both confesed that we really love each other but I told her that I don't know how much longer I can wait for an answer from her. And that if she does not pick one in the near future, I'm going to end it myself by the end of this month.

As for her cheating. It makes no difference to me unless I can prove it. Otherwise, it is just suspition and that gets me no where.

The guy she was talking to could have been a potential for her to cheat on me with. I know it is a possibility.

Finacial advantage is pretty large if she stayed with me, but we are not sharing expenses anymore, we have separate accounts so right now she is living without my finacial support. However we have a lot saved so she would be pretty well off if we split. I don't think money is an issue. If we divorced, she would have more money than she has now and less restrictions.

[cal dave]

I think a lot can be happening that we don't know about. She could be cheating, but she could just as easily be fed up with OPs overreactions that started from the very beginning when she wanted to get in touch with friends.

Communication is the key word in this instance and it's definitely missing. The wife needs to find a way to communicate her needs, be upfront about what she is doing and explain what she wants to fix if she wants to stay in this marriage. The OP needs to be more understanding and empathic and not fly off the rails every time something 'unlikable' happens.

As well as counseling I would recommend (for both) to do a communication class or pick up a few books on conflict resolution.

I agree with what you are saying. I'm able to admit the faults I have in the relationship and I'm trying to do my best to resolve the issues I have. I am willing to compromise with her on just about everything, however, she admits that she is not willing to compromise on what she wants. I tell her, if you do X then I will do Y. Her response is that she does not need to do anything for me to get what she wants. I think this has been a failure on her part that I can not overcome. Untill she relizes that marriage is about compromise our relationship is dead in the water. I am trying to be patient with her at the same time that I'm working on my issues, but my patience is wearing thin. Love is the damnest thing, it makes it so Effing hard to let go when your brain tells you what to do.

[cal dave]

BTW, something to add to the confusion is that we have never stopped having sex, ever. We see each other once a week to hang out and we always end up doing it.

[vashti]

How old are you guys, cal? And does she have any history of psychological problems?

[cal dave]

How old are you guys, cal? And does she have any history of psychological problems?

We are both 26 years old. In couseling it came out that she was molested by an older cousin when she was younger. She had never spoken about it until then.

If that is why she is doing this, I want to be there for her to help her resolve her issues, but I don't know how much longer I can continue. I feel bad for feeling this way.

Thanks for letting me vent on you guys. Writing all this out has been helpful for me.

[vashti]

I was actually wondering if she might be menopausal (hormonally imbalanced), but obviously this is unlikely at her age.

I don't know what more you can do if you are already in counseling together. I guess you will have to decide for how long you are willing to wait. You might want to have a private session with your therapist to try to determine your own course.

[cal dave]

I was actually wondering if she might be menopausal (hormonally imbalanced), but obviously this is unlikely at her age.

I don't know what more you can do if you are already in counseling together. I guess you will have to decide for how long you are willing to wait. You might want to have a private session with your therapist to try to determine your own course.

That is the thing I'm struggling with. How long am I willing to wait for her to come around? On the one hand I can't stand living like this, on the other, I truly love her, and would feel bad for initiating a divorce, since I made a life long commitment to her when we got married.

[Indignant]

has she mentioned the things that you have done to her that led her to take this course of action? what are her biggest complaints? Be honest though, we are not here to judge.

[carl1222]

I just noticed that you've been together since you both were only 18. We get a lot of posts in here from people with relationship problems because one partner (usually the girl for some reason) starts wondering what she's missed by being tied down in a relationship since a very young age. Maybe this is a factor in her restlessness.

Carl.

[Indignant]

if he was such a great catch, she won't have to look another way. besides that women change, mature, become more attractive as they age, she may be seeing herself as a new person. if he does not change along with her to accomodate her timeline it would be hard for her to be stuck at that same space.

i've been there as well, thus the 2 divorces. when my guy would kept me down at the same level for 3 years, i had to bail.

[cal dave]

has she mentioned the things that you have done to her that led her to take this course of action? what are her biggest complaints? Be honest though, we are not here to judge.

Biggest complaint is that I don't let her do whatever she wants. Communication, let stuff go, be able to take a break from arguments, understand the way she feels.

However I think that even if I were to do all the things she wants, that is not the real problem. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she has mixed feelings about being in the relationship at all. So the changes that I am trying to make may not even matter.