He goes to stripper bars every week now, for 3 months - it's hard for me to get over

[darcy]

I started counseling yesterday, to get a second opinion. She also said I was co-dependent. Last month I decided upon a 6 month plan, so I don't make any rash decisions since I have my kid to consider now, and my plan is to try to hold off until March and re-evaluate. He doesn't know I know how much he spends, even though he's the one who told me to check his bank statements. As much as I try to stay calm I just can't, and I have to admit this is not something I can deal with. I don't think it's right, and I can't accept it...he didn't go last night (usually they go on Wednesdays), he just went to the brewery and came home by 8:30, which was the original plan to begin with, but he says one of the guys in his group of friends going thru a divorce has a crush on some stripper out there. So, I'm going to try and make it thru the holidays without saying anything but honestly don't think I can keep quite if he goes again, and realize it's time to deal with this, holidays or not.

[darcy]

not sure i'm replying in the right spot, but i did reply. it's good talking with you Wakeup!

[Fruitsss]

My first comment was kind of short .
BUt if there is no abuse or cheating u can try what u can to make him wake up.

But i think its at him to do the real step to change his behavior.
And i can say that a drunk men ruins a whole house hold and his drunk behavior have big impact on kids now and later.

When talking doesn't help u need to go for actions.
When he is not drunk have a from heart to heart conversation with him about his drinking why is he doing it, and where do he want to be with u or with other woman?(have he always doing that\or is it something of the last years)???
Sometimes its have nothing to do with u but with the person having problem dealing with past issues that comes up.

So u can give him space to say what he wants to say. If there is a problem he need to say it and u 2 can work on it.
but it takes 2 to go to tango.

If he dont listing u need to come with actions.
Like let him know that if he keep doing the same thing u will divorce him.

[smackie9]

you know, that's what i'm thinking. he's been a functioning alcoholic the whole time I've known him, and many years before that and it doesn't really bother me a lot. he was supposed to be going out with friends after work for a few drinks. i even encouraged him, because all he ever did was work and come home. i bought him golf packages, etc. to get him to have a hobby, so when he and a few guys wanted to go down to the local brewery once a week i said "great". then he started closing down the bars, which i didn't really like but hey, i'll try to be cool and there has to be a level of trust in a relationship and he's never done anything like this before. THEN i find out it's a stripper bar. I agree, why go to a strip club? I even went to check out this place and it is such a dive, only 2 pretty girls, the rest were barely attractive. so I'm wondering if it is one of those girls. i keep hoping it's a phase. he didn't go this week, but I get anxious every Wednesday because I think he's going to go - it is making me insane, i just don't think it's right. If there was something I did that truly bothered him I would stop doing it. So it's made me re-evaluate our whole relationship.

I know the ins and outs of alcoholism because that is what I got to grow up with. You can hope all you want, but his behavior is not a "phase", it is a problem that is getting worse with each passing moment. You can't tell an alcoholic they have a problem, they are in denial until they hit rock bottom. They have to get to that point before they admit they need to get help to stop. But till then, you don't need to destroy your own life putting up with it. Your best bet is to go seek out an AA meeting in your area. It's not just for alcoholics but for people who live with one. They run 24 7. Just give them a call and they will tell you where and what time. At least you can have these individuals guide you through the process off dealing with this and help you understand this disease.

[Wakeup]

I started counseling yesterday, to get a second opinion. She also said I was co-dependent. Last month I decided upon a 6 month plan, so I don't make any rash decisions since I have my kid to consider now, and my plan is to try to hold off until March and re-evaluate. He doesn't know I know how much he spends, even though he's the one who told me to check his bank statements. As much as I try to stay calm I just can't, and I have to admit this is not something I can deal with. I don't think it's right, and I can't accept it...he didn't go last night (usually they go on Wednesdays), he just went to the brewery and came home by 8:30, which was the original plan to begin with, but he says one of the guys in his group of friends going thru a divorce has a crush on some stripper out there. So, I'm going to try and make it thru the holidays without saying anything but honestly don't think I can keep quite if he goes again, and realize it's time to deal with this, holidays or not.

Good on you for looking out for yourself with the councelling, darcy. As I said, you have to look after you now because I'm sure you've been trying to look after everyone else and neglecting yourself for quite sometime now. Tell your husband how what he's doing is affecting you and your marriage. He needs to know that you're not going to enable him any longer. At the very least talk to your therapist to see if she thinks you should be laying it on the line sooner rather than later or at all.

Have you thought anything more about ala-non or mentioned about going to your therapist?

[sssspanos]

I agree the serious problem here is alcoholism... If that could make you feel more strong, have always in mind that your kid will thank you in the future for dealing with this in case you break this marriage. It would be a great lesson comparing to a silent approval of a white and not happy marriage...

Good luck. I wish the best...

[bcgirl]

Listen to the op people!!! The serious problem in their marriage is not alcohol! She has stated that she met him when he was a functioning alcoholic, she has encouraged him to go to bars with friends. The issue that is driving her insane is the spot he chooses to drink. A strip bar!!!! Just because all u ppl think alchoholics are huge deals etc are your own opinions. The act of drinking doesn't bother the op as does the fact that her hubby chooses to frequent strippers and him not stopping even after she has addressed her concerns with him which leads her imagination to think the worst like cheating. I've dealt with alchoholism and am not really bothered by the act of drinking alcohol everyday. The act of staying out till 3am at a dumpy strip joint would hurt me 10000x worse. I'm sure the op would agree and would be much happier in her marriage if her hubby chose to drink at home or at a normal pub as opposed to watching naked women. The anxiety is eating away at her because she is scared he could be cheating! So I'm sure the op would feel exactly the same if her hubby frequented strip clubs, stayed up till 3am and sipped on plain cranberry juice all night.

[smackie9]

Sorry but from my experience with watching the alcoholics in my family, alcoholism does dictate poor choices and bad behavior....it's a downward spiral. For some it comes along like a season, or in waves, or a long slow decline. Then it becomes a total disconnect from those who love and care about them.


I speak from experience....my brother was like this. But since he cut out drinking completely he is a totally different person.

[PradaChanel]

I know I'm sort of late on this one but its a good thing that your doing something about this. It's alot that goes on strip clubs. I used to work as a hostess in one (I know I know) but some chicks in there (some) be popping pills and drinking and messing around with each other and if he drunk theres not no telling what he is doing in there. They do be showing p**** in real strip clubs too and if hes that faded then whose to say he can handle it. If hes that drunk and driving home that is an issue in it self. Smh. Its best that you are taking care of this because if he taking that money in there, a stripper will do a little extra to get something.
So good luck to you and the counseling. Your taking steps which is great.

[bcgirl]

Sorry but from my experience with watching the alcoholics in my family, alcoholism does dictate poor choices and bad behavior....it's a downward spiral. For some it comes along like a season, or in waves, or a long slow decline. Then it becomes a total disconnect from those who love and care about them.


I speak from experience....my brother was like this. But since he cut out drinking completely he is a totally different person.

Yes I get how being in a drunken state makes ppl make poor decisions and clouds their judgement. But why strip clubs? Why naked chicks? Why a place that offers sex? Why is it that he didn't frequent this place before but in the last 3 months have become a regular? I get the whole liquid courage and making poor judgements of drinking and driving, getting into bar fights, cussing at your grandmother... But he is planning on going to these strip bars. When he wakes up in the morning, he isn't hammered. He has planned that he will take out x amount of money to go to the strip club that night. There is some underlying issue with the op's hubby and strip clubs. It's not a drunken, spur of the moment bad judgement that he finds himself among naked whores. It's him planning on being surrounded by naked whores, him telling his wife that he ain't gunna stop seeing these naked whores after she's talked to him about it. He has those non-drunken moments to absorb his wife's feelings, but disrespects the family due to some sort of "strong pull" coming from that damn sleezy strip bar.

[smackie9]

You don't know alcoholics. Alcoholics and people who drink are totally different. They don't need to be intoxicated or even have to consume alcohol, to have poor behavior. Alcohol in itself changes their personality. Self entitlement is one of the traits. Promiscuity, depression, short tempered, cheating, lying, memory loss,...alcoholics disrespect their loved ones, and they don't see it as such. If you confront, or talk to them about their behavior, they get apprehensive, defensive, blame everyone for their problems....big fat denial. That is why they call it a disease, it alters behavior, their perspective. Going to the strippers, lying and spending excessive amounts of money are symptoms of his drinking. I'm not saying what he is doing is right...obviously it is very damaging to his marriage, BUT understanding the root of what is causing this, is alcohol.

[PradaChanel]

bcgirl, you are right. I agree with you too Smackie. Its all in there together because when he stop drinking I think MAYBE he will stop visiting the nasty strip clubs.

[bcgirl]

You don't know alcoholics. Alcoholics and people who drink are totally different. They don't need to be intoxicated or even have to consume alcohol, to have poor behavior. Alcohol in itself changes their personality. Self entitlement is one of the traits. Promiscuity, depression, short tempered, cheating, lying, memory loss,...alcoholics disrespect their loved ones, and they don't see it as such. If you confront, or talk to them about their behavior, they get apprehensive, defensive, blame everyone for their problems....big fat denial. That is why they call it a disease, it alters behavior, their perspective. Going to the strippers, lying and spending excessive amounts of money are symptoms of his drinking. I'm not saying what he is doing is right...obviously it is very damaging to his marriage, BUT understanding the root of what is causing this, is alcohol.

Smackie, ive Been in love with a functioning alcoholic for many many years. I've seen what alcohol can do. Believe me, I've seen it all first hand. I know what it's like to live with someone you love who wakes up and starts drinking everyday. There wasn't one day in all those years I didn't see him drink. All alcoholics are different, just like all diseases. You may have one alcoholic that binges and blacks out and doesn't touch alcohol again until the next binge. And then you may have an alcoholic that doesn't get drunk but drinks beer everyday and just has a steady buzz. What I feel like you are doing is trying to compare apples and oranges smackie. Just because your brother is a goofball when he is drink doesn't mean every alcoholic is the same way when they are drunk. I know all about temper and alcohol altering moods etc. I wouldn't have responded to this thread if I don't have a clue about alchohlism. I've been surrounded by alcoholics and have witnessed MANY times a drunk hammered alcoholic say "no" to going to a strip club when they are among their drunk male buddies that are nagging him to go. I've witnessed MANY times a drunk hammered alcoholic say "no" to drinking and driving. So although alchohol clouds a persons judgement, you don't see ppl totally hammered and deciding to go jump off a 60 story building (unless they were suicidal). Yes some ppl drink and drive...but here is something interesting... My province implemented VERY strict rules on drinking and driving. It's pretty much zero tolerance and if u get caught, very huge consequences. The result? A huge (more than 50%) decrease in drunk drivers when they check on their road blocks, plus adding more road blocks in place. What does that tell you? Alcoholics don't wanna get caught. So they may still make poor judgements, but they still have a conscience that is telling them... If u get caught, you are fu(ked! I don't think the op's conscience towards his own family is strong enough to resist his horiness.

[smackie9]

He is disrespectful, an asshole, possible cheat, liar, we get that, but I feel ranting about it is counter productive. Take a course of action and that is communication with him about his behavior, drinking etc. Got to stick to your guys and don't fall into being manipulated with bs. If he refuses to admit he has a problem, walk. Like I said alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they realize they do have a problem and sometimes cutting them out of your life helps them with that realization.

[smackie9]

It's my province too....I live in Surrey BC. I am very familiar with the drinking and driving laws, but this has nothing to do with this thread.

I was raised by an alcoholic mother, many members of my family were alcoholic, my brother, ex BF's, friends. I have even been to AA meeting with my mom to listen to the stories of others because my mom wanted me to get a clearer picture of what this disease is all about. I'm not saying every alcoholic man will go see hookers....just that in this case, this man's behavior is based on his drinking. Like I said, I saw my brother go through the same deal with his drinking. Since he has stopped, there is no infidelity, or excessive spending, lying etc. He admitted to me if he continued with his drinking he would have lost everything in his life.

I want this women to have some hope that if she can get him to quite drinking, she probably will see dramatic improvement in her relationship with her husband. Of course there is no guarantee, but at least she can try.