i need serious help

[Raina12]

.....Is it just me? It can't just be me. Others are with me on this, right?

How is any of that okay at all? How does any of that not raise a huge red flag to you? There is no such thing as a lie to save the relationship. Unless you have a bomb attached to you that will only blow up if he tells the truth (like some sort of really lame Speed sequel when the writers are running out of ideas) then I fail to see how somebody could sincerely think they are saving a relationship by lying. Unless I misunderstand, you do not yet know what that lie is, so it is a little hard for us to put into context.

However, apparently it is so bad that he doesn't want to tell you at least until you are face to face. That's already not terribly reassuring.

Now, fair enough, I guess you are right that maybe you could have handled it better than ignoring him. Honestly, though, I don't think you should be blamed for that even one iota. I think it is understandable that you would be upset about his lies, and that may cause you not to want to talk to him for a bit.

This is one situation where I don't think any of us can or should really answer your question exactly as you asked it. I don't mean to be insulting, so I hope it hasn't come across that way. However, I am not going to give advice that I do not believe in my head and my heart, and I think honesty is your best option in this case. Others have hit the nail right on the head. You shouldn't make excuses, you should just tell him the honest truth. Again, just tell him that you were trying to just let it slide at first and give him the benefit of the doubt, but later it statred to bother you more than you thought it would. You didn't mean to ignore him, but you just needed some time to digest and process.

If he can't understand that, then maybe he isn't as good a guy as you seem to think. Don't get me wrong. I get that it can be hard to let somebody go if they seem really good for you. Here's the thing, a liar is never good for you. Not only that, but you say he is otherwise a really good guy and really cares about you. The thing is, liars are really good at faking that because they know it will get them what they want.

Am I saying he doesn't really care for you? Of course I am NOT saying that. How can I know that? Maybe, to him, you are absolutely his whole world. I'm not a mind reader. I can't know that. I am just saying that you need to be careful. Especially once you know what the lies actually are after all. If they turn out not to be such a huge big deal, then this whole thing could maybe have been blown out of proportion. For your sake, because you like this guy, I hope that does turn out to be the case. The thing is, though, if his lies weren't really all that big a deal then why would he be so hesitant to tell you?

Could we all be blowing this out of proportion? Absolutely, that could be possible. For your sake, I hope that does turn out to be true. Thing is, you may notice that everybody who has responded has had basically the same advice. That should tell you something. Good luck to you either way. If his lies wind up being a big enough deal, or his dishonesty continues, I hope you care enough about yourself to realize you deserve better than that. If his lies wind up being something you can forgive, then I hope he learns from his mistakes and proves himself trustworthy from now on.

Thank you so much for making me realize that i am not to be blamed. Today, i will reply him but don't know where to begin from. Should i first tell him that i am alright because he is worried that i might be ill? And later on tell him the whole thing?

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I understand that you feel very strongly for this guy and you are protective of this relationship. However, you need to keep your eyes and mind open.

You have every right to feel upset. If there was a serious lie he told that he was waiting in person to tell you, then it should have waited until you were face to face. Telling you there's a big lie on the table but refusing to tell you what it is is upsetting! I don't blame you for pulling back and making some distance between you. I would be upset that someone I cared very much for is basically saying "I have a secret but I'm not telling." It is torture knowing that there is an elephant in the room and you are being kept in the dark. You are stuck waiting and worrying and guessing the worst.

That being said, I agree with the others that your focus is in the wrong area. I know you posted looking for excuse suggestions, but that is not your problem. If you start making a habit of lying in your relationship, it will inevitably fail. Being honest about your feelings is the only way you are going to mend this and have a chance at moving forward. Don't lie, don't think up a good story to excuse your absence, just tell him the truth. Let him know that it is really eating at you that he admitted to lying but refuse to elaborate and you were feeling too resentful to talk to him. If he becomes angry at you for this as you fear, then you will see for yourself what kind of person he really is.

You don't have to make excuses for your feelings! If something bothers you- it's valid. You are not wrong to be angry and worried, and shouldn't feel like you have to hide those emotions.

Thank you so much

[TheEvilJester]

Are you just speculating that he was worried you were ill, or do you know for a fact he actually WAS worried?

Either way, you should definitely do what you think is best. Any advice we may give you, please paraphrase. Put into your own words in whatever way you think feels right to you and you feel may go best with him.

Here's what I think you do, though. If he truly was worried that you may have been sick, just open with a very simple, what all I'll call, "sort of apology." Something like...

"I'm sorry I didn't respond to you. I didn't mean to worry you that I might not be well. I am okay. When we spoke, I honestly wanted to just be okay with it and give you the benefit of the doubt, but it just started to bother me more than I thought it was going to and I needed some time to think and digest. I'm upset that you would lie to me, but I want to be understanding and am willing to talk about it."

At that point, just go from there. Hopefully once he is finally honest with you, the lies will be something you don't feel are such a huge big deal. Hopefully you two can get through them. IF you do feel they are lies you can forgive, though, he needs to stop the dishonesty. How else are you going to regain your trust for him?

Again, good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

[Raina12]

Are you just speculating that he was worried you were ill, or do you know for a fact he actually WAS worried?

Either way, you should definitely do what you think is best. Any advice we may give you, please paraphrase. Put into your own words in whatever way you think feels right to you and you feel may go best with him.

Here's what I think you do, though. If he truly was worried that you may have been sick, just open with a very simple, what all I'll call, "sort of apology." Something like...

"I'm sorry I didn't respond to you. I didn't mean to worry you that I might not be well. I am okay. When we spoke, I honestly wanted to just be okay with it and give you the benefit of the doubt, but it just started to bother me more than I thought it was going to and I needed some time to think and digest. I'm upset that you would lie to me, but I want to be understanding and am willing to talk about it."

At that point, just go from there. Hopefully once he is finally honest with you, the lies will be something you don't feel are such a huge big deal. Hopefully you two can get through them. IF you do feel they are lies you can forgive, though, he needs to stop the dishonesty. How else are you going to regain your trust for him?

Again, good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

Alright. Thanks

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I just replied him "i am fine. you don't need to worry."
I wish everything turns out to be good.

[starbar]

you should end this "relationship". you are basically wasting your life talking to a computer screen. You should get out more and meet real people in real life!

[Raina12]

you should end this "relationship". you are basically wasting your life talking to a computer screen. You should get out more and meet real people in real life!

I have met him in real life

[TheEvilJester]

How often are you two able to meet face to face? How far apart are you? (How long of a drive?) If this is long distance, then starbar's advice still applies, I think. Long distance relationships can be very hard to maintain. Even more so when dishonesty is involved.