Should I Stay or should I Go?

[IndiReloaded]

Do you love your husband or not? Do you see working together as a team to build your future? Does he have traits you admire enough to forgive him the ones you don't?

That's what marriage is, hon. Notice I make no mention of oooie-gooie romantic love. That's actually really easily had if you do the things ppl have said. 'Love' is a moving target that changes as soon as you have it in your grasp.

So, my advice is for you to go away & think hard about these things. Then *imagine* the consequences of a decision to both stay AND go. Don't shy off of this, its just your imagination so make sure you take those thoughts to their full end. We can help you with this here, btw.

Then, think really, really hard again about which of those decisions you think will serve you and ALL your needs (which includes your care for your child). Then do things that will make whichever of those choices a reality.

I have a feeling that, like I said, a lot of this is doing things to work on your self worth. If you do that, I bet things will get a lot better b/t you & your husband.

Good luck.

[lesa]

As for rekindling romance between us, the problem is we just don't have anything in common. We both like computers (well we met online) and he loves politics while I have a mild interest in it. So if we go out or anything we don't have much to talk about. Mishanya said that people give a mythical quality to love, but for me love is actually having your spouse as your best friend. That is what I am wanting for, but I know I can't change my husband.

How did you fell in love with this man and married him? Did you take marriage seriously?

[Cain]

This is not true. ^^

How is it not true? If the father is hard working, makes enough money to support himself and his daughter, and can't be proven unfit, he'd get custody unless she can do the same exact thing. If she can't make enough money to provide for her and her daughter, she won't get custody.

[Cain]

How did you fell in love with this man and married him? Did you take marriage seriously?

Exactly. If you had nothing in common and you knew that you needed to have a best friend as a lover, why did you marry him? You said you loved him at one time, so what happened to it?

[Rosie]

How is it not true? If the father is hard working, makes enough money to support himself and his daughter, and can't be proven unfit, he'd get custody unless she can do the same exact thing. If she can't make enough money to provide for her and her daughter, she won't get custody.

This isn't an issue. I have a job and can take care of myself and my daughter financially.

Exactly. If you had nothing in common and you knew that you needed to have a best friend as a lover, why did you marry him? You said you loved him at one time, so what happened to it?

Well when my parents split, my family started falling apart and I wanted a way to be happy again, so I started leaning on him a lot. I guess the term "love is blind" applies here. I should have been much smarter here but I was just thinking with my emotions when I decided to get married. I thought it was a way out of my bad family situation.

Do you love your husband or not? Do you see working together as a team to build your future? Does he have traits you admire enough to forgive him the ones you don't?

That's what marriage is, hon. Notice I make no mention of oooie-gooie romantic love. That's actually really easily had if you do the things ppl have said. 'Love' is a moving target that changes as soon as you have it in your grasp....
I have a feeling that, like I said, a lot of this is doing things to work on your self worth. If you do that, I bet things will get a lot better b/t you & your husband.

I think what you said about self worth rings true. I'm still on that road trying to define myself and what I really want out of life. I know that ooey gooey love isn't realistic (though it is the fun beginning to a relationship). What I really long for is a strong friendship on which a love relationship can be built. I don't know if I am asking for too much at this point. He nags me a lot and is paranoid at times, two things that rub me like sandpaper. We just don't "click" at all. But he is a stable person otherwise. I will take what you've said here into consideration. Maybe I just need to take some times and see how my life develops from here. thanks again.

[Gribble]

If there's fighting and tension and you just can't work it out, then yes, the best thing for your daughter would be to split up. You're exactly right. But I didn't get that impression from your posts. Is that the problem?

[Cain]

From your initial post, it didn't sound like this was some horrible environment. It sounded like you just don't love your husband and you wish you were dating someone you had more in common with. That, in my opinion, does not justify ending a marriage and splitting your daughter's parents up.

You basically used him to get out of a bad situation. Your parents were arguing a lot and he could provide a more stable situation for you, so you married him. You didn't love him. You loved the fact that he could provide some stability. Unfortunately, you should have thought about all of this before you two had a child.

[shh!]

How is it not true? If the father is hard working, makes enough money to support himself and his daughter, and can't be proven unfit, he'd get custody unless she can do the same exact thing. If she can't make enough money to provide for her and her daughter, she won't get custody.

You don't lose custody of your children because of differences in income (that is what child support is for). You lose custody because you are psychologically unfit (drug addict, alcoholic, abusive, in jail, etc.).

Nowadays the trend is toward shared custody: the parents share the child like a piece of luggage that travels back and forth between houses.

[Gribble]

And the child grows to resent both parents.

[lesa]

Quickly divorce him and find the love of your life.

EDIT: Everyone need to take a pre-marriage assessment.

[Cain]

You don't lose custody of your children because of differences in income (that is what child support is for). You lose custody because you are psychologically unfit (drug addict, alcoholic, abusive, in jail, etc.).

Nowadays the trend is toward shared custody: the parents share the child like a piece of luggage that travels back and forth between houses.

If both parents are deemed fit to raise a child and one is to get sole custody (even if the other gets visitation), the judge isn't going to grant custody to one if they can barely afford to support themselves.

[shh!]

If both parents are deemed fit to raise a child and one is to get sole custody (even if the other gets visitation), the judge isn't going to grant custody to one if they can barely afford to support themselves.

No one who is deemed "fit" loses custody. If both parents are fit, they are granted joint custody. The parent who does the greatest amount of care is generally awarded primary physical custody, and that is usually the mother. She usually makes less money than her ex (if she is employed at all), and so she is awarded child support.

Trust me on this - I come from a family with an extensive divorce history.

[Cain]

Personally, I think it's bullshit that the woman usually gets primary custody. I'll have a hard time being a nice guy if my wife and I get divorced through a fault of her own. I'm likely to make the courts think she's not fit.

[shh!]

Personally, I think it's bullshit that the woman usually gets primary custody. I'll have a hard time being a nice guy if my wife and I get divorced through a fault of her own. I'm likely to make the courts think she's not fit.

That's what all men do. The judges are used to it.

I have a friend who is a judge, and he says that they (judges) pretty much feel like 99% of the time, people have married their equal, so if the wife is an asshole, he probably is, too, and got what was coming to him.

[Cain]

That's what all men do. The judges are used to it.

I have a friend who is a judge, and he says that they (judges) pretty much feel like 99% of the time, people have married their equal, so if the wife is an asshole, he probably is, too, and got what was coming to him.

My dad made my mom look unfit to get custody of me. Legally, the judge can't just look at me and think I'm an asshole just because my wife looks unfit. If he has no proof I'm unfit but has proof she is, he can't legally or morally give her custody.