Boyfriend has really close "girl" friend??

[TheEvilJester]

I know how you feel. I am like that too in that I definitely explain myself and articulate my feelings a lot better in writing then I am able to do in person. My problem is that I overthink what I want to say WAY too much. If I try to do that live, face to face, I often feel like I don't do justice to what I want to say for one reason or another. Maybe I word it in a way that could be misunderstood, or maybe I stutter and stumble on my words and leave feeling like an idiot.

Even so, there are some conversations that just should happen in person, face to face. (Or, at the very least, over the phone). Obviously how you handle it is going to have to be your decision, but my personal opinion is that this is definitely one situation that should be a face to face conversation. Since you think you do better in writing, a good idea would be to sort of prepare yourself and think about everything you want to say and how you want to say it. Heck, it may even be a good idea to open up a Word document or an e-mail that you aren't going to send and type everything in a letter. Type up a message as though you WERE going to send it. Nitpick it all you want, edit it until you get the draft that makes you the most happy.

This will help you to figure out all the main points you want to say, how you want to say everything, what things you may have said that after some thought you may want to either not say or say differently because you think they may not come off well, etc. I wouldn't recommend you bring this letter with you and read it, it is really just to get all your ideas down on the page so that you have it all thought out before the conversation.

Being somebody who doesn't articulate myself as well due to shyness and uncertainty when in person, I will often have the important and/or difficult conversation face to face, but then follow up a day or so later with an e-mail/text conversation/whatever to clarify any points where I may have felt like perhaps I still didn't articulate it well, or may have given some sort of wrong impression.

Again... I'm weird.... I know it. LOL!

As far as specifically what to say, I wish I could help you but that is really something you have to decide for yourself. You need to know what works best for you, and also gage what you think would work for him.

The basic idea, though, is you want to make it clear to him that you don't mean to imply he has done anything wrong. Heck, it may even help to be somewhat apologetic. Almost as though to say something like "I'm sorry. I know this is goofy because you've never given me any reason not to trust you. It isn't that I don't trust you, but I just feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend being as close to another woman as you are with her. I don't mind you two being friends, but I'd feel comfortable with it if...." and the conversation continues from there.

Again, it is certainly possible he is just one of those guys who plays with people's hearts like that, and he will eventually hurt you. But, you've seen no evidence to suspect that yet. It is just as possible that he actually is a decent guy, and just happens to be nice enough to people that some people mistake it for something more than it is. Sad world we live in where nice people are so rare that people mistake somebody just being a good person for meaning they are crushing on them.

So, really, the idea here is just to let him know how you feel, let him know what would make you feel better, and gage his reaction to decide if he seems sincere or not. In time, you will find out if he is sincere or not anyway. If, worst case scenario, he is a "player" you will eventually find out anyway. But, if he's a good guy, and you can live with his friendship with other women so long as it is within reason, then why not him the chance?

Good luck to you, friend. Let us know how it goes. I hope it works out well.

[Julia51423]

Well I talked to him last night! And I feel so much better for talking to him about it and it actually went really well I think.. I'll see what you guys think of how it went.

So I basically told him that I don't want him to think of me as a controlling girlfriend, but I have just been getting really uneasy and uncomfortable about some things that have been happening lately. I told him how I was really uncomfortable with the fact that he was so close with that girl and I didn't even know she existed. I also said that I didn't understand why he didn't suspect that something happened that night, and I asked him if it has always been normal for her to be so super touchy with him?
And also that I didn't know he had so many close relationships with other girls and it really shocked me that he was, because I feel like he is friends with all these girls and it's some secret that im not allowed to know about.
I also told him about his best girl friend that is my cousin, and how I got extremely jealous and that I was extremely uncomfortable when just the two of them hung out a few months back, and that he wouldn't even text me when he was with her. And when I recently found out that he used to like her, it made me even more uncomfortable and uneasy and I figured she was still someone really special to him and that he could still have feelings for her.

I didn't know how he would react. But he reacted really well. He said he is terribly sorry he ever made me feel that way, and he never said anything because he didn't think I would want to know about that. Then I wasn't expecting this, but he went on to list every single girl he is close to lol, and it wasn't an abnormally long amount.. Pretty average actually, and what he usually talks to them about. He said I am actually his best friend, even though I'm his girlfriend too, because he tells me everything and stuff he doesn't tell anyone else. He said the girl with the car incident was never touchy like that with him, and they were more close last year but only talked every once and a while this year. And that he thought he was just being paranoid when she was being so touchy with him, but also found out he was right when she confirmed it the next day. He said from now on he will tell me absolutely any suspicions he has.

Then he went on explaining on his best "girl" friend that I was originally talking about in this thread. He said that they weren't just hanging out them two, but he was with her whole family as well. And he went on reassuring me that he only liked her for a little bit and never that much at all.. Only because they were such good friends he thought there might be something there but there really was never anything romantic so they just remained friends. He also said that when he talks to her, a lot of the times he is talking about me and asking her questions about me. And he said he really just doesn't find it respectful to be texting constantly when he is with friends which is why he didn't ... And he does the same to not text when he is with me so he can focus on me.

I told him to that, that even though she was with her family, he was still just hanging out with HER, and I still don't like the idea of that. I said that I didn't think he would like it if I was hanging out one on one with another guy.. And I think that made him think a little. We made an agreement to never hang out with anyone of the opposite gender one on one again.
He also said he really wants me to read through all of his phone the next time we hang out, just to know the conversations he does have with other girls. I said I don't need to do that, but thank you.

That's basically what happened. He also said to always tell him these things I am feeling because he wants me to tell him any doubtful and iffy feelings I ever have, because he never wants me to feel that way and will never get mad at me for talking to him about something that makes me uncomfortable.
I think it went good for the most part! What do u guys think?

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry you guys I talked to him before I read those responses lol. And we did have the conversation over text... Idk if that was the wrong thing to do but I feel like I got my emotions out a lot better because I spent the time to type out everything I was thinking. Maybe for the future though I will do these kinds of talks in person.

Also, I didn't tell him I was uncomfortable with him having these friendships, it's just he seemed so open and genuine about all of them and everything that it didn't seem like much of a problem to me anymore... Nor did I ask if he maybe came off the wrong way to that girl and was "too" friendly with her. Now I kind of wish I did and am thinking I should bring that up when I get the chance too.

[Wakeup]

In my opinion:

It Sounds good. Now he just has to introduce you to them and include you in on any "hang outs" and all will be set as far as good relationship boundaries goes when it comes to opposite sex friendships.

I think you're his No. 1 priority going by his words. Now, if his actions match then its all good.

Cheers.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with Wakeup. I will say, I personally kind of wish you would have had the conversation face to face (or even at least on the phone) so you can at least get some sense for his sincerity. But, some people just deal with things better when it is not on the spot like that. If you feel that a text message conversation really worked better for you and/or him, then that was your decision to make, and perhaps was best in your particular case.

However, as Wakeup says, it sounds like that went really well. In fact, I would say it couldn't have gone much better than it did. So, that is great and that is a good first step. At this point, the only thing that remains to be seen is if he is true to his word, or if he is just telling you what you want to hear. Thus far, I would say from how you speak of him he doesn't sound like the type who would just tell you what you want to hear. So, I would guess he was being sincere. All the same, I would still recommend proceeding with slight caution. At this point, I do think you should give him more trust, but I would also say not to 100% let your guard down. If incidents like this keep popping up, it may still be cause for concern. If he does truly stick to his word, then it sounds like you've found yourself a winner.

Once again, good luck to you. I hope it goes well.

[michelle23]

Does he not have male friends? I just find it weird when a guy is surrounded by all these females. Words are cheap and easy to say. Actions speak louder

[TheEvilJester]

I actually do agree with you on that, Michelle. If he seems to have basically completely just female friends that would also kind of raise a bit of a red flag. I mean, I'm about the most "male-girlfriend" worthy guy. In other words, I'm not like your typical guy and actually make a really good friend for women as well as men. I currently have, and always have had, some female friends. Even so, most of my friends are guys. It kinda seems like that is just the natural order of things. LOL! It is just the way it seems to happen.

So, I have to agree that having entirely or almost entirely female friends would be slightly concerning in an of itself. That almost makes it seem like he is just one of those guys to keep a bunch of "options" around pretending they are just friends. It could be he just happens to be a good dude, so people want to be his friend, but it would still at least give me pause. Heck, let's even pretend for a second that it is 100% innocent as far as he is concerned.... that still runs a pretty high risk of having some kind of complications with some of those "friendships" down the road. Could be with him having confused feelings, could be with the female friend having confused feelings, or even both.

Unlike a lot of peeps, I don't think opposite gender friendships are completely taboo, but having so many would be a bit concerning. Of course, that said, the OP did seem to say when he came clean about all of his female friends. she didn't think the number was staggering at all.

[fearoflove]

Guys who are committed usually distance themselves from female friends out of respect for their current girlfriends. The fact that he is still hanging out so close with them, even with girls who used to or is currently romantically interested in him shows that he hasn't fully committed himself to you. Unfortunately the connection you have with him isn't as strong as you think.

I would have to disagree with people on here who is saying that you should tell him its bothering you. He knows it bothers you already! You don't have to tell him that! Telling him that just confirms your insecurity. This isn't an issue about communication. He knows he is testing the boundaries and he is doing this in hope of stirring up your emotions. I say act more mysterious and unavailable. If he asks how your day was, don't give him too much information and if he asks to hang out, don't make yourself seem too available. Say you are only available on some selected times and don't tell him why. Just say you have other plans. If he gives you a little shit, you give him a little shit back.

[dontaskme]

I would have to disagree with people on here who is saying that you should tell him its bothering you. He knows it bothers you already! You don't have to tell him that! Telling him that just confirms your insecurity. This isn't an issue about communication. He knows he is testing the boundaries and he is doing this in hope of stirring up your emotions. I say act more mysterious and unavailable. If he asks how your day was, don't give him too much information and if he asks to hang out, don't make yourself seem too available. Say you are only available on some selected times and don't tell him why. Just say you have other plans. If he gives you a little shit, you give him a little shit back.

As usual, dumb advise from this ^^^ poster! When you are in a relationship, you do not play mind games with your partner. Playing mind games is a recipe for disaster ya fool! Communicate, communicate, communicate!

[TheEvilJester]

Fearoflove, I can definitely understand your thoughts and appreciate them. I do have to respectfully disagree, though. To me, that just sounds like playing games and I think once we are adults it is time to put that kind of stuff away for good. If she talks to him about it, does she run the risk that he uses that to try to keep stringing her along and playing with her emotions? Sure, that is possible. But, that would certainly tell her that he is not the good guy she thought he was. So, if that DID happen, I would hope she'd take that as her hint to send him packing.

I would assume she is a mature adult. I would thusly also assume she wants an equally mature adult as a partner. You should be able to share things with your significant other without having to worry that they may use it for nefarious means.

[fearoflove]

As usual, dumb advise from this ^^^ poster! When you are in a relationship, you do not play mind games with your partner. Playing mind games is a recipe for disaster ya fool! Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Your personal attack speaks volume about you.

Fearoflove, I can definitely understand your thoughts and appreciate them. I do have to respectfully disagree, though. To me, that just sounds like playing games and I think once we are adults it is time to put that kind of stuff away for good. If she talks to him about it, does she run the risk that he uses that to try to keep stringing her along and playing with her emotions? Sure, that is possible. But, that would certainly tell her that he is not the good guy she thought he was. So, if that DID happen, I would hope she'd take that as her hint to send him packing.

I would assume she is a mature adult. I would thusly also assume she wants an equally mature adult as a partner. You should be able to share things with your significant other without having to worry that they may use it for nefarious means.

I don't find this to be mind playing since anyone with intelligence knows what is going on here. It is not alright to hang out with so many female friends especially those who had a romantic history with or someone who he knows is interested in him. I suspect that he just knows how to keep women around. And he is telling her what she wants to hear. It is good that they came to an agreement that neither of them will hang out with the opposite sex one on one. But I would say, still be alert for any irregularities.

[dontaskme]

Your personal attack speaks volume about you.

Lol, and your posts show your character. You're a wanna be (starving) princess who wants a frog to turn into Prince Charming who can support her.

At least I don't need my BF to support me. I happen to come from a well off family.

And dumb ass, your original advise to the OP is not to communicate but to give the BF shit if he gives her shit and to become unavailable. How is that helpful to the OP's case?

Are they supposed to be mind readers and just guess why the other is acting in such a weird way?

Is that how you communicate to your "frog"?

[fearoflove]

Lol, and your posts show your character. You're a wanna be (starving) princess who wants a frog to turn into Prince Charming who can support her.

At least I don't need my BF to support me. I happen to come from a well off family.

lol. You don't know anything about me.

I don't know why you have to attack me. Did I do anything to you? I am only offering my perspective on a situation using my own time to help the OP out.

I suggest you examine why you feel so angry as this is coming from inside of you.

[dontaskme]

lol. You don't know anything about me.

I don't know why you have to attack me. Did I do anything to you? I am only offering my perspective on a situation using my own time to help the OP out.

I suggest you examine why you feel so angry as this is coming from inside of you.

Ooohhh, I'm not angry. I just don't have patience for stupidity. You speak of intelligence, which obviously, you know nothing of based on your advise. Sure, feel free to give your perspective but be prepared when someone refute you as well.

I don't really give a shit about you and who you are. I just don't care so much of your dull witted advise.

[fearoflove]

Ooohhh, I'm not angry. I just don't have patience for stupidity. You speak of intelligence, which obviously, you know nothing of based on your advise. Sure, feel free to give your perspective but be prepared when someone refute you as well.

I don't really give a shit about you and who you are. I just don't care so much of your dull witted advise.

advice*

(10 characters)

[dontaskme]

advice*

(10 characters)

Smh...

Advise-to offer suggestion about the best course of action, to counsel, to give guidance.

Is that the best you can do? I suggest you go back and further your education wanna be princess!