Told my best friend I love him

[Cerulean.]

I'll add that tooooo many times one's partner is not too pleased with you (the general you) hanging out with your opposite sex friend without them present. We have had numerous threads on that very complaint. I think when the opposite sex friend becomes friends with the new partner as well and there are respectful boundaries in place is when it "works" the most.

Tuh-dah. That's what people who are respectful do. That's what I did with my past boyfriends. Always. First, and foremost. Get them to hang out with my guy friends. My recent ex boyfriend who was new to my area, became best friends with my high school sweetheart. My past boyfriends would have all my guy friend's phone numbers NOT because I gave it to him... but because they all exchanged so we could all hangout... OR THEY only hangout. It's the same with me and meeting my guy friends girlfriends. I try and make her feel comfortable. Talk to her. Get to know her. Exchange my phone number with her... and even hangout one on one with HER. If I were texting her boyfriend, I would include her in the text and sometimes they both would respond together on his phone. No shady business. No calling past a certain time (that's disrespectful), no inviting to hangout without including her name... etc. When you are close friends with someone, you want to include their significant other as well because you become friends with the two of them. It's not going to be like "Old times" and that's not a bad thing. If you are happy for your friend or care about them a lot, then you accept the change and are happy with the "new" type of friendship and hangouts. For me, I never had a problem with the change.

[IndiReloaded]

Once you're friended, there's no possibility of capturing, or perhaps in your case recapturing, lust, love, and passion. Hey, I wish it didn't work that way either, but I could've told you with 100% certainty before you spilled the beans, that it would be a better idea not to spill them and walk away, keep some mystery about yourself. If 'we' (men) want you, we'll get you, or sure as hell let you know.

Ugh. First off, letters are never a good idea unless you are *certain* of the other persons feelings (i.e. love letters). There is just too much emotional nuance lost. You should have asked to meet him in person about this.

Now Haxans point, which I agree with, is that your guy friend never gave you *any* indication he was into you. Basically, you had been harbouring feelings for him and decided based on whatever drove you to it, to send him a letter. I agree with Haxan that, if your friend did harbour feelings for you beyond friendship, he would have given you some sign. Guys make *effort* for the women they care about, and it sounds from your post that the communications and effort is mostly coming from you. That should have been more than a big hint.

[Cerulean.]

Ugh. First off, letters are never a good idea unless you are *certain* of the other persons feelings (i.e. love letters). There is just too much emotional nuance lost. You should have asked to meet him in person about this.

Now Haxans point, which I agree with, is that your guy friend never gave you *any* indication he was into you. Basically, you had been harbouring feelings for him and decided based on whatever drove you to it, to send him a letter. I agree with Haxan that, if your friend did harbour feelings for you beyond friendship, he would have given you some sign. Guys make *effort* for the women they care about, and it sounds from your post that the communications and effort is mostly coming from you. That should have been more than a big hint.

True. He never showed me that he had any feelings for me. I guess I thought he could have had them hidden. When I was with my high school sweetheart, my friend had harbored feelings for me and had them hidden due to the situation. Once my HS sweety and I were done, his feelings were still hidden and we were still "just friends" nothing new. Come one drunken summer night on a weekend trip to his father's house in Mexico with some friends... I initiated and we hooked up. Feelings poured out afterwards from him and we started from there.

Now. This time around, I did have a feeling it wasn't going to work out. But. I wanted to take that chance. I also wanted it to be out in the open. Wanted him to know. Again, life is short. It didn't work out... doesn't change the fact that I'm glad I did it. You win some, you lose some.

[searock]

.. First you would have to address those that have NEVER had an opposite sex friend and ask them that in order to get the answer to your question. ;o)

By "friend" I mean close friend with no attraction involved from either side. All the people I've discussed this with who have never experienced such a friendship seem to believe that it's impossible. Simply because it has never happened to them doesn't mean that it cannot happen to anyone.

I think when the opposite sex friend becomes friends with the new partner as well and there are respectful boundaries in place is when it "works" the most.

I agree!

[IndiReloaded]

Now. This time around, I did have a feeling it wasn't going to work out. But. I wanted to take that chance. I also wanted it to be out in the open. Wanted him to know. Again, life is short. It didn't work out... doesn't change the fact that I'm glad I did it. You win some, you lose some.

Well, sounds like you had it figured. Sorry it didn't work out but, as you say, you took a chance. Great attitude, btw, kudos.

[Wakeup]

By "friend" I mean close friend with no attraction involved from either side. All the people I've discussed this with who have never experienced such a friendship seem to believe that it's impossible. Simply because it has never happened to them doesn't mean that it cannot happen to anyone.

We know of two boys who you were friends with that you ended up having deep feelings for. I don't meant to rag on you, Sea but you're hardly a good poster girl for the dynamic being free of romantic/sexual attraction or feelings not coming into play.

IMO on the odd occassion that neither has romantic feelings for the other then there likely is some sexual attraction from one to the other that just isn't being acted upon. It human nature for goodness sakes.

[searock]

I've fell in love with 2 out of the 6 close male friends I had/have in my life... not counting the not-so-close-but-still-good friends! Of the remaining 4 close male friends, I am not attracted to any of them and I know for a fact that 3 of them aren't attracted to me either (the other I think was attracted to me at first, but as our friendship got stronger that aspect fell in the background - he isn't friends with me because he hopes one day I'll sleep with him).

So I know how it goes in either case. Which kind of makes me an expert in the field ;-).

[Wakeup]

You can only speak for yourself... you cannot answer for the boys that You have no sexual and or romantic feelings for. You cannot speak for them simply because of the situation Haxan speaks of where the other does have attraction/feelings but just hasn't admitted it because there has been no tells that you feel the same way. So, we're at a impasse.. :o)

[searock]

Obviously I can't be 100% sure that those 3 guys aren't attracted to me, but as a woman I have a pretty good intuition as to when someone is attracted to me. I know that those 3 guys just aren't. I know them well, I know what their type of girl looks like, I know how they act when they're around someone they're attracted to and don't want to show it. I'm not their type of girl, they don't act like that around me. Things can change in the future, but for now that's how it is :-).

I don't get why it's so difficult to believe. Not all men are attracted to all women and vice versa: why shouldn't it be possible for a man and a woman who have no reciprocal attraction to be close friends? I don't think I'll ever understand this "theory" :-).

[Wakeup]

Obviously I can't be 100% sure that those 3 guys aren't attracted to me, but as a woman I have a pretty good intuition as to when someone is attracted to me.

If thats the case, I don't know why you or the Op for that matter would tell a guy that you love him when he's given you zero indication that he loves you back?

You'd be surprised how quiet someone can be when it comes to telling someone how they really feel when they have no indication that the other feels the same way.

So I'm curious: If you have this good intuition of who is interested/attracted to you and who isn't then why did you tell the dweeb from the past that you were in love with him? Why wouldn't you have kept that to yourself knowing that he wasn't interested in you and kept your perfectly fine (up until the point where you confessed) friendship.

Please don't say you know better now then you did when you were younger because you took a chance with your now boyfriend too when you told him while he was in another relationship. (or am I wrong abouth the timing?) You didn't back off like described by the Op here (did you?):

Tuh-dah. That's what people who are respectful do. That's what I did with my past boyfriends. Always. First, and foremost. Get them to hang out with my guy friends. My recent ex boyfriend who was new to my area, became best friends with my high school sweetheart. My past boyfriends would have all my guy friend's phone numbers NOT because I gave it to him... but because they all exchanged so we could all hangout... OR THEY only hangout. It's the same with me and meeting my guy friends girlfriends. I try and make her feel comfortable. Talk to her. Get to know her. Exchange my phone number with her... and even hangout one on one with HER. If I were texting her boyfriend, I would include her in the text and sometimes they both would respond together on his phone. No shady business. No calling past a certain time (that's disrespectful), no inviting to hangout without including her name... etc. When you are close friends with someone, you want to include their significant other as well because you become friends with the two of them. It's not going to be like "Old times" and that's not a bad thing. If you are happy for your friend or care about them a lot, then you accept the change and are happy with the "new" type of friendship and hangouts. For me, I never had a problem with the change.

Don't answer (unless you want to) I'm simply playing the devil advocate.

[iamaninnocentma]

this thread reminds me of the time joey thought he loved rachel, and she thought he proposed to her, even tho he really didnt. He just picked up ross,s ring that fell on the floor. Boy, ross was angry that day, lol

[IndiReloaded]

Obviously I can't be 100% sure that those 3 guys aren't attracted to me, but as a woman I have a pretty good intuition as to when someone is attracted to me. I know that those 3 guys just aren't. I know them well, I know what their type of girl looks like, I know how they act when they're around someone they're attracted to and don't want to show it. I'm not their type of girl, they don't act like that around me. Things can change in the future, but for now that's how it is :-).

I don't get why it's so difficult to believe. Not all men are attracted to all women and vice versa: why shouldn't it be possible for a man and a woman who have no reciprocal attraction to be close friends? I don't think I'll ever understand this "theory" :-).

Geeze Searock. The more you post on this 'friends' subject, the more I think you are something of an attention whore. Or perhaps in denial, but I don't think so. Thou doth protest a bit too much.

Do you have anything nice to post about your BF, or do you just want to keep going on about your guy 'friends' and how little they are attracted to you--for now?