Relationship changed - don't know how to behave

[Gigabitch]

vgomes, I think you might want to start putting some effort in another direction. You've thrown so much into this dead-end relationship and you're getting very little in return.

Is there anyone else you might have a little interest in?

[TheEvilJester]

That's a good point, and one that I would even extend. It wouldn't be a bad idea to even pursue other outside interests beyond a relationship. Keep yourself busy with friends and/or hobbies or whatever else makes you happy. When you do find a gal who actually has time to commit to a relationship, it will help you to worry a little bit less over things like whether she really likes you or not because you have other things going for you. With what you've been through, it can be hard not to fall into a trap of mistrust. You don't want to give into your paranoia and think that just because one gal strung you along and made you feel unwanted that any girl you date would do the same.

Most importantly, though, having outside interests will just help you to feel better about you right now. If you do make the decision to end your relationship, you will likely need some time to heal and get over it. Friends/hobbies/etc. can help.

[Relationship T.]

She likely feels overwhelmed, which is a romantic mood killer. Right now isn't the right time for her to be "all in" the relationship. That doesn't mean you two cannot find a happy place in between. My advice: turn your expectations into invitations. She might say no, and that is okay. You are giving her the freedom to love you.

[Melo11]

Nothing, besides partner's cheatings, happends without your personal actions and moves.
Do something to make the wish come true.

[TheEvilJester]

Good advice from both of you, but I think I got the impression he HAS done that. I think that is part of the problem. He has tried to keep things going, ask her to get together here and there, etc. and she is just too busy. At least that was the impression I got. I think, more so, the thing to figure out is whether she is honestly just too busy to go all in with a relationship, or whether she is just disinterested. Can be hard to tell the difference, though. In the end, either way it would be understandable if that is just not enough for somebody, though. Even if she is 100% being honest that she DOES want to be with him but is currently just too busy, I could understand if that is still not enough. Again, though, the cold and almost heartless way she seems to be about it makes me personally lean towards thinking it's not just that she's super busy, but more that she can't/doesn't care enough to make any effort... and that is most certainly NOT okay. Yes, people can be super busy sometimes, but you at least make some effort, even if very minor, to keep people in your life if they matter.

Though, I readily admit it is possible I am being too cynical, especially given that people have not given me much reason for trust. Still, her words/actions described here don't really make me think it could just be my cynicism coloring my perception here.

[vgomes]

Hey guys,

Well, TheEvilJester spoke for me, he his absolutely right. I tried everything i could, but nothing has changed. That is - or was - part of the problem. But thanks anyway for the comments, they are all welcome and they were, indeed, a good sugestion.

And there we came to the point where there isn't much to say here. We still didn't get togheter once, altought we've talked on the phone one of this nights. I hate to speak about such delicate subjects over the phone, but it was more or less inevitable. The conversation went from very intricate and uncomfortable to smooth and almost loving, my thoughts in the end were that her head is on a mess. I don't want to go for much details here, but she admited that she didn't gave me any atention lately, but she doesn't understand why i'm reacting this way. Everything i said i felt she reacted like it was a threat, but trust me, it wasn't. I'm not that kind of guy, i was not mad, i never even raised my voice to her. She also took some weird arguments, like "if you wanted to know how i was, you could have called anytime", altough i've always told her that the problem was the exact oposite, i felt that she never care about how was i in the first place. Many of the texts i was left with no answer were asking exactly how was she, so i really cannot see the point on her argument here .

The phone call was on Friday night, 5 nights ago. Not much happened since.
Is this the end? Her answer was "i don't know, i'm afraid". She really seemed confused. I'm not. I still love her (you simply don't switch off the love button, right?) but i can't continue falling straight to the ground because of this girl. I'm deeply sorry and i feel for her, i know that she is having a hard time dealing with her life. I'll keep going with mine, with no hard feelings. Maybe some day she'll take the time to realise that i'm a good guy that once in her life really tried to bring her some happiness to her so busy and breathless days. For now, life's moving on.

I truly wish you all a very very pleasant season. Happy Holidays everyone!
I see you around.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I am sorry to hear things did not go well. So, out of curiosity, did you two come to any solid conclusion? In other words, did you officially break it off at this point, or are things just kind of in limbo right now? You don't have to answer that or go into any detail if you don't want. However, in my personal opinion, it would be best for you and even for her were you to just officially end it. That doesn't mean you can't plan to possibly revisit things if and when she later has time to commit to a relationship for real. You can both keep it in the back of your mind that maybe you will see how things go down the road, but for now it would probably be best to move on.

Heck, if time goes on and suddenly she is no longer so busy...... but you find yourself in a happy relationship with some other girl, then that is life. As I have said all throughout, it could be entirely possible she never MEANT to be so busy she couldn't even give you any of her time. It is possible she never meant to make you feel unimportant to her. It is entirely possible she truly was just so overwhelmed with how busy she's been that she couldn't balance it with her personal life. However, even if that IS the case, it doesn't change the fact that it may not be enough for you, nor does it change the fact that it would be understandable if it was not. Sometimes that is life.

Again, it will really have to be your decision, I am just offering my thoughts and advice. In this case, my personal advice would be to move on, take some time to yourself, and then date other women. Heck, you never know. Maybe fate will see fit to bring you two back together. If it does, then great, but I wouldn't wait and put your life on hold for somebody who is finding it too hard to even give you two minutes here and there. Who knows if that would ever change?

Good luck, friend.

[vgomes]

Hi!

Sorry for the late reply, TheEvilJester, i failed to notice you last post here!
We never ended it. We are living in that weird limbo. I haven't seen her since all this situation started. We talk, by message, pretty much everyday but no more than 2 or 3 texts. We just reach out for one ocasional "everything's ok?" every know and then. I've tried to confort her a few days ago because she was struggling over some delayed work, but that's is. We didn't talk about us, and i don't feel comfortable bringing the subject back again, not now, at least. But i want to have that conversation, i really think that's important to us.

I'm giving her some space for her to take care of her life at this point. I'm discreetly letting her know that i'm still here, i still care for her and that i don't have any hard feelings for what happened (even if that is not completely true). And in the meantime i'm learning to live without her. I do not expect nothing, really. I'm just slowly moving on with my life, we'll see what happens. Some might say that i should break contact with this girl for good, but i don't feel like it. We're adults, we should behave like so. I like her, she is a good person, and i know she can be a good friend. So i'll be around if she needs any help. But for know that's the only thing i'll do. That, and pushing my life forward.

Cheers and thanks!

[TheEvilJester]

That is good. I would just say, at some point you do need to make a decision and fill her in one it. Don't get me wrong. It isn't as though she seems to have extended the same courtesy to you, but no reason for you to make that same mistake. Whether it is her intention or not, she's basically given up on your relationship (even if it is just temporary) without involving you in the discussion/decision. What's worse, when confronted she acts as though nothing changed, essentially trying to keep you hanging on.... but for what exactly? What do you get out of it?

So, I think it is fine for you to just sort of take an unofficial break as you say you have done.... but I would just say that you should come to some kind of decision at some point and let her know what that is. If your decision is to end the relationship, at least until such a time that she actually has the time to commit to it, then you should have that discussion instead of just deciding to yourself that you've moved on without sharing that revelation with her.

I do think, though, that your sort of testing the waters type of approach could be good. She's obviously had no problem doing this herself, so just take some time to enjoy your own separate life and get a sort of preview of what it would be like to be without her. That may even help you to better decide whether you want to give the relationship a chance once she actually can commit to it, or whether it is just time to move on. It is definitely good for any relationship if the two people also have a bit of individuality. So, it is good to learn to have your own separate hobbies and occasionally have time apart. However, you are certainly right to feel like it isn't enough to basically NEVER talk/see each other.

Good luck to you. I hope this time apart helps you to figure out what you want to ultimately do about this situation. Whatever you do decide, I hope it works out for the best.