Maybe burning bridges with parents... help please

[IndiReloaded]

Without any prompt at all, my stepdad starts raising his voice at us, telling us to quit looking upset, and we can't control nature, get over it, and storms off screaming 'God Damn!'. My mom turns to my girlfriend, and says "Why are you looking upset, a delayed flight isn't that big of a deal.", to which she replies: "I'm sorry, I'm upset because I just got yelled at by your husband."

My Stepdad walks back into the conversation, and says: "That was hardly yelling! You will know when I am yelling!". She promptly replied saying: "I'm sorry, I meant to say I was getting upset because we were both getting chastized". My stepdad stormed off, and we went back home (to my parents place)

If this is what happened, then I think it is your father who owes your GF an apology. Although based on your post, he is unlikely to give it. Your GF used a beautiful "I statement" to explain her upset. She used bad judgement in how she expressed it, tho. I suspect her statement came across as judgemental to your parents. In her shoes, I think I would have just excused myself for a moment and let them consider their behaviour without saying anything overt (personally, I would have found it amusing to see him lose it over something so trivial, but I'm a different personality). Also, she may be a bit too sensitive to deal with your family if they tend to be more on the fiery side, and she more reserved. Conflict style is very important in a relationship. I hope you are compatible this way or you will end up having problems dealing with an over-sensitive partner.

Anyway, its clear there is more going on here than your parents not liking your GF. Sounds like your dad and mom have issues.

[TheTooya]

Well... this is what I am dealing with:

After the last conversation I had with you, I have thought of this for many hours and have come to the conclusion that you are UNFIT to be a guardian for your sister if something happened to your stepdad or myself. The fact that when your Sister told you that this girl you have dated a mere 4 months had kicked the puppy and you didn't believe her and kept saying that this girl wouldn't be so stupid to do that in front of Maddy means that your thought process is skewed and you believe in a mere stranger that you have known only 4 months over your little sister who would NOT have lied.


I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. You have always always made me proud and all my life's hopes and dreams fell on you to succeed and do well. Those same dreams and visions were also hoped by grandma. For the first time, I have actually become totally 100% disappointed with you, as has your stepdad, the entire family and even friends. All wondering what on earth is wrong with you to further any relationship with anyone who disrespected your parents. I failed and you are not perfect and you have a problem with your ethics and how you think family ought to be treated. You speak of how your coworker is so socially daft but he is a "nice guy." You just don't get that your girlfriend is the same situation….only you have dated her. This girl herself knows that she isn't the same class or caliber as us but she has tried. It is inadequate. I have done all I could to be nice to her and do good things to her. It is inadequate as your stepdad and my feelings to her are false and we don't want to be like this. We preferred that you were with someone that we could accept into the family with open arms and be so excited to see the two of you every time you came out. NOT the case with this girl at all.

I am fed up with you son. When I tried to explain to you so succinctly this afternoon – your response is that you thought I was trying to control you. I was not but I was begging you to see what you were doing so that you didn't end up negating a life of such promise. I am truly fed up with you and certainly don't need to have this kind of stress and concern nor to feel like this will be remembered by your stepdad and I as one of the worst weeks of our lives with a most incredibly disappointing person that you could introduce to us as a person of your interest.

I will always always love you from the bottom of my heart but if you choose to be with an inferior person over your family – then enough said and I think I have made my point. I will always be your mother but that is it. Your mother that you can refer to and nothing more. This time you have disappointed me too much and it has broken the camels back. Your stepdad is cc'd on this and he is aware of my decision regarding your sister. He agrees as well.

[TheTooya]

Tooya, don't cut ties or do anything extreme. If only for the sake of your little sister (who needs your stability) and your father. Your mom sounds like someone who thrives on drama. Perhaps she's mentally ill. But realize that when someone acts like this *its not about you*. Or your GF.

I am trying my best to avoid doing anything extreme, although apparently in her last email she is disowning me and removing me from being a legal guardian to my sister.

When she acts like this, just tell her calmly that she's being disrespectful to *you* and that you will speak to her when she is calm again. Then hang up. Its all about boundaries and respecting yourself. I've been there, I know exactly what you are going through. Your mom will be shocked at first, then she will cajole and then she will get angry that she can't get a rise out of you. When she starts calling you names like 'cold' 'snob' 'reasonable' (sarcastically), just agree with her ("yes, I am") and say what I said above. Shortly after that is the crisis: she will either start treating you more respectfully or she will avoid you, but either way, she will stop treating you like this.

So I have already been at the point where I minimize conversation. Her last phone call to me, she repeatedly told me I was a loser... the call before that she repeatedly told me my girlfriend is ugly...

....

[HeartIsAching]

Well... this is what I am dealing with:

Wow... there is so much insecurity, defensiveness and attempts at control bristling all over this.

My advice? Just say "If that's what you want." and cut ties.

[TheTooya]

Wow... there is so much insecurity, defensiveness and attempts at control bristling all over this.

My advice? Just say "If that's what you want." and cut ties.

As much as I want to do this... I know that to my parents I will be the "bad guy". I'm not sure what that means going forward... but based on how my parents act, my mom will bad mouth me non stop to my step-dad and sister.

[HeartIsAching]

And that's what she wants you to know. It's coercion, an attempt to force you to do what she wants. You really going to let your mom dictate your love-life?

[TheTooya]

And that's what she wants you to know. It's coercion, an attempt to force you to do what she wants. You really going to let your mom dictate your love-life?

After my mom gave her ultimatum, I did tell my mom that I am an adult, and who I date is my decision.

But.. she won't stop calling, she won't stop posting hurtful public posts on facebook, so I might just need to cut all ties...

[HeartIsAching]

Of course she won't. You did not respond to her attempt at control, and all they know how to do when that happens is escalate.

[TheTooya]

Update:

I spoke with my stepdad, who agreed my mom is acting nutty. I told him I believe mom had told my sister what to say, which he of course did not believe me... but I told him I can't deal with this any more, shes harassing me over the phone while I am at work! He told me he would speak to her, but he can't control her.

She then calls me, with my younger sister in the background. She yells at me for not "believing" my younger sister, and equated this situation to me not believe she was being sexually molested. I then ask her if the conversation between my coworker and herself was "EXACTLY" what was said between the two, she said yes, so I hung up. She lied to me over the phone, and I am now ignoring her calls...

[HeartIsAching]

Good luck. Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is.

Be aware that abusive people escalate when their coercion stops working - She'll get worse before she gets better.

[TheTooya]

Good luck. Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is.

Be aware that abusive people escalate when their coercion stops working - She'll get worse before she gets better.

Well... I just cut contact.

In bullet points I said:
* You lied to me
* you are dragging in my coworker, and throwing this drama at him
* you are harassing me while I am at work.

... And I am actively ignoring her calls. My stepfather told me politely that because of all of this, she won't allow me back to visit my family, and I confirmed that I understood.

I don't know how much worse it can get... but I'll find out.

Thank you HeartIsAching and IndieReloaded... I think I might consider therapy after all of this... this is all very stressful on me.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL, start recording her calls and play them for your stepdad. Wow, she sounds truly nuts. Sorry, Tooya.

[TheTooya]

start recording her calls and play them for your stepdad. Wow, she sounds truly nuts. Sorry, Tooya.

So... my stepdad emailed and called me today. In his email he said:

regardless of how dramatic your mother is being or borderline lunacy, etc. If you disrespect her and talk inappropriately to her, I will ring your ****ing neck-test my resolve... Govern yourself accordingly.

My mom deleted me as a facebook "friend", and sent this email to me:

Also, I have seen that you unfriended your own mother – I have removed you as a son in FB and will do so in all others. As well, will be blocking you too. You just don't get it and you have disappointed your stepdadand I too much this time. Literally thrown us under the bus. It is interesting to us to see that you feel that this girl is worth it over your family.

I feel physically sick, I don't know what I am doing wrong or what I should be doing. I believe my stepdad wants me to make amends with my mom because at the end of the day he has to deal with her... but I am so tired, and am physically exhausted/ sick.

[HeartIsAching]

I told you she'd escalate. Be strong.

[IndiReloaded]

Your family is nuts. Unfriended you on Facebook? LOL!

I know its hard, but try to step back a bit and take an objective look at this. What would you say if someone's mother unfriended their child on facebook? Yeah...

The fact your... stepdad (?) threatened you is much more concerning. I'm starting to agree you should cut ties, they sound beyond toxic. Don't engage, just drop off the grid. Change your number, block them on FB and bounce their emails. I feel bad for your sister but these things do tend to come out in the wash later in life (keep the messages so you can show her them when she gets old enough to understand).