what do I do about this situation... advice please

[925esahc]

Indie... personally your criteria doesnt mean much to me. That wasnt my questions.... but thanks for trying i guess. Im simply asking what should be done at this point.

[Vain]

I agree with everyone else, you should move on. If their are trust issues you can't really overcome them. Of course she would hug you and rub your back. That is what she is used to and feels comfortable doing, you guys dated for 4 years. However, your best bet is to remove her from your life in all aspects. You keep saying you are in a gray area between closure and wanting to be with her. But it seems to me you refuse to accept it. You have to do what's "healthiest" for you. If you were in a marriage, had kids, it would be an obligation to work things out. But your not. When my gf broke up with me, shit continued to happen for nearly a month. We would hold each other, talk like we used to, it was like nothing changed. Our last date we went on in that month we even had sex. She knew I still had feelings for her, and her's were just not as strong as mine I guess. Afterward, when we talked about it all, she just told me she was lonely and did what felt right for her even though she knew it would hurt me more. To me it only made sense she did what she did. She felt comfortable with me, she was used to me, she knew how she could act when she was around me. It was more a zone of comfort for her then anything else. Painful but to me a lesson well learned.

It was hard but I broke contact. I think you should do the same. Yeah it is definitely one of the hardest things to do in life, but if it was meant to be you guys would still be together. There is nothing you can do, she has to make up her mind for herself. You told her how you feel and she does not want to be in a relationship with you. You should get over it and find someone else.

But you don't seem like you will listen to me and want to somehow be proactive about this; so the only other thing I could really give advice towards stems from what I previously said. Being: if you broke all contact for lets say around a month. Absolutely don't see each other or hear from each other and then were to get together she could realize what you meant to her. That is the only thing I can recommend you "do" since you seem so adamant on doing something about all this.

And this is not intended as an attack or anything but you shouldn't discredit what Indi is saying. Her criteria should mean something to you as she definitely has a better grasp on the concept of a relationship.

[youreit]

Alright. Clearly everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I can't say, and won't say, that it is impossible to overcome something when trust is broken as long as both understand the situation they are in and both are 100% honest with one another. The thought of "what if" no matter the situation is always there especially in a "newer" relationship. You can trust them with all you have, but the thought will cross your mind at some point or another. Trust could be an issue not because of the person you're with but because of either a parents divorce or just something you've always had growing up. Never a reason to give up.

However-it does depend on the people. She may never get over the trust thing..and if she does it will take time.

I know many who have overcome it and know many who have not.

To answer your question, should you choose to take the advice, if you love her move on in one sense, to keep yourself sane and happy, but in another just kind of be there. Don't jump when she asks, but don't be a bastard and ignore her (if you really do care). On your "date" she pushed the immature "I've been on this date and this date..." and when you only showed happiness it was a slap in the face for her.

Continue to show you care, without acting like you're dying without her. It's now her turn to make the move. She has yet to tell you how she feels, only to explain how many people she's moved on with - or lies to see how this would effect you as you stated in one of your posts.

If she comes around and tells you how she feels and you both decide to work on it, my advice would have to be to make sure you talk about the trust issues and whatever other issue there may be and see where it goes from there. Before getting back together, make sure these things are discussed otherwise you'll be back in square one.

As much as you may love her, if you see that things won't be changing, do the right thing for the both of you and move on. Otherwise not only are you holding yourself back for something great, you're postponing her, as well, and wouldn't do that if you truly loved her.

Good luck.

[925esahc]

The last two posts were most helpful... the best ones yet its what I was looking for. Vain is right, I refuse to accept we are over. I keep telling myself we will get back together, and I feel like if I truly let go I would loose my mind completely.

Another update: I called her last night... we talked for about 45 min. The first half of the convo went well, very friendly, we bullshitted for a little bit about school/ music/ work, etc... Again she brought up guys and going out, having fun, etc... And again I didnt flinch a muscle, just said im happy for you thats a good thing. So then she starts asking me what I have been up to, who I have been hanging out with, etc... like she has been doing. Again, I stayed very neutral and just said "oh you know just keeping busy with work and going out with the guys". She gets extremely pissed and says im being fake to her. She says why do I call her and try to be friends and hang out with her when all im doing is being fake. She says she wants to know things and is getting pissed im not disclosing every little detail of my life. Which I dont want to do, but obviously thats what she wants to hear. I go on to tell her theres certain things I dont want to talk about with her and hopefully she can respect that, and frankly its none of her business. We end the convo with her being upset at me.

My question is: Why in the HELL does she want to know all of my lifes details? And why the f**k does she get pissed when I dont tell her? I figure its one of two things... 1) She just wants to be comforted knowing what the hell I have been up to (she even said on the phone she doesnt like not knowing... she said 'when I ask people questions and dont get a response it really makes me want to know') or 2) She maybe still has feelings? Very confused right now as to why this would piss her off.

Thanks for the above 2 posts.

[IndiReloaded]

I told you what to do, you just didn't like it.

If you can't walk away, buy her a ring & propose. I'm serious. There is no point in your doing things half-assed.