Possible cheating GF.. Need objective outside opinions

[BackUpOrGetStng]

No, I wouldn't, and I actually thought about specifying that, but didn't feel it was completely necessary...guess it was.

[Maple1714]

No, I wouldn't, and I actually thought about specifying that, but didn't feel it was completely necessary...guess it was.

I didn't want to assume...but I assumed you wouldn't.

[Blondi3]

Blondi3, the point is that we don't care if she actually ****ed the guy or not. We're saying what she has been caught for is enough to write her off. Why should he keep snooping around behind her when he could just find a trustworthy partner?

The girl telling him about the guy should not alleviate any of his worries. Women(and men) will often tell their partners about a "friend" they're going to hang out with, only to find out they are ****ing this friend. I have been that friend on more than one occasion and it's comical to hear the reassuring things girls will say to their boyfriends on the phone right after swallowing a mouthful of my cum.

So it doesn't matter if a girl actually cheats or flirts or does anything wrong - speaking to a man in a way that displeases her partner is enough to render all the other aspects of their relationship worthless and she should be chucked? That's just silly.

She's NOT been caught at anything. She RESPONDED to a text message a guy sent. 'I See and I like' - that means nothing. The most you can say right now is that he doesn't like the tone of her text. What's is it that the poor girl is expected to do? Submit all texts, emails for approval? Only have contact with men when her boyfriend is present to observe her interactions? Good luck finding a woman whose enough of a doormat to go along with that. If your really saying he should write a woman off for answering a text, when in every other way she makes him happy, then your advising him to have a very lonely life. Yes - some women, just like some men, lie and cheat - but not everybody does and if you go expecting the worst every time you screw yourself over far worse than anything your partner can do.

The OP on the other hand HAS betrayed her trust and violated her privacy by reading her messages. She 'might' have done something questionable. He most definitely is in the wrong. All this confront her/dump her talk - right now he's not the injured party. MattyP - how are you going to feel if you confront her, she, rightly angry, that you would read her messages walks out on you and then you find out she was innocent or the guy is gay or the one of the many other reasons why she might not respond to a flirty text message from a friend with a rude or rejecting response?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

My posts weren't really even geared toward the text message. The red flag to me is the fact that she was spending so much time with him. The text message is here nor there really, but it does show that this guy has an interest in her. I would not want my g/f to spend her vacation, that is supposedly to go see her father, with some guy that obviously wants to **** her. Sounds to me like she has weak boundaries at best. I agree that it's wrong to snoop, but I think people should check if there is already sufficient evidence that something is going on. Take the OPs last girlfriend who cheated on him..what if he had never checked?? So, what is the explanation for the deleted text history between these two friends? The only time I do that is if I want to hide something. Sure there are other possibilities but they are negligible.

While you did come up with some reasons for the flirty text, the chances are again negligible, and the probability that this is a straight guy that wants to **** her is overwhelming.

I think he should dump her because he clearly doesn't trust her now, and he's going to be compelled to keep snooping.

Try not to be so naive.

[IndiReloaded]

Anyways, This clown is sending her shirtless photos and she responds " Im seeing and im Liking!!!!!"

I didn't think much of your post until I read this^. IMO, this is what crosses the boundary. Not her spending time with an old friend, not even him *sending* the photo, but the fact she so clearly enjoys and encourages his behaviour while in a committed relationship. This is what screams 'attention whore'. For many, this would be enough to breakup over and you'd be right to do so. I'll say it again: people don't change. WYSIWYG in relationships and you will always have to give this chick a high amount of attention to keep her happy, I think.

But, if you insist on giving her a chance (love makes us do all kinds of crazy things), here is what I would suggest:

1. Don't confront her directly with what you know. This will only backfire and alert her to your snooping suspicions.

2. DO ask her opinion on people who look for attention from the opposite sex outside a relationship. Ask her why she thinks someone would do this.

3. WAIT. Let her respond. She will get extremely uncomfortable (let her) and see what she says. Avoid the strong urge to make excuses or answer for her. Most people will give themselves to you if you are patient and give them enough rope.

Btw, if she asks you why you are asking this, its b/c she suspects *you* suspect. Again, don't give her any clues. Just rephrase the question, perhaps with a slightly different tack "I was just wondering what you thought of someone who would behave like that."

Post back here. I'd be fascinated to know how this goes.

[smackie9]

I agree it's not just the message....there are layers of other things going on with this.

[Blondi3]

My posts weren't really even geared toward the text message. The red flag to me is the fact that she was spending so much time with him. The text message is here nor there really, but it does show that this guy has an interest in her. I would not want my g/f to spend her vacation, that is supposedly to go see her father, with some guy that obviously wants to **** her. Sounds to me like she has weak boundaries at best. I agree that it's wrong to snoop, but I think people should check if there is already sufficient evidence that something is going on. Take the OPs last girlfriend who cheated on him..what if he had never checked?? So, what is the explanation for the deleted text history between these two friends? The only time I do that is if I want to hide something. Sure there are other possibilities but they are negligible.

While you did come up with some reasons for the flirty text, the chances are again negligible, and the probability that this is a straight guy that wants to **** her is overwhelming.

I think he should dump her because he clearly doesn't trust her now, and he's going to be compelled to keep snooping.

Try not to be so naive.

So based on the 'sufficient' evidence that another man might be interested in this girl, she should be dumped? Because while on her vacation, she spends time with a man who she considers a friend, instead of spending all her time with her father she's a skank? Because this other man probably has an ulterior motive, she is automatically an untrustworthy idiot with no free will who will just fall into his arms? By that logic, men should really only go out with girls who are repulsive to every other man on the planet. I may be naive, but your argument is just silly.
Yes the problem is he doesn't trust her. But dumping her is the cowards way out - he's got a problem trusting women. He can stay and try and deal with it and face reality or he can runaway and sabotage the next relationship he's in - because any girlfriend he has will invariably at some point have unsupervised contact with another man and yes, just like every other human being, she may innocently flirt.

Also BackUp - I think if you read this thread you're catching yourself out. Alot of people think men and women who sleep with other people's partners are all devious and immoral and seek to hurt people. When someone implied that you might fit that mould you immediately defended yourself - because thats NOT you. That's just the circumstances you've found yourself in. It wouldn't be fair to write you off as a home wrecker or judge you the same as someone who likes screwing other guys over for sport, because your different and thats not how you think. Equally it's not fair to write this girl off just because you know alot of women who cheat.

MattyP - you've known this girl for 12 years. If you really think so little of her, why did you start dating her in the first place?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Blondi3, you really are something else, and all you really did was put words in my mouth. I never called her a skank. The sufficient evidence I'm talking about is the fact that she's encouraging another guy's impropriety with regard to their relationship, as well as hiding their contact. I guess you still haven't read the original post. This guy is clearly not a friend to their relationship, and she has done nothing but encourage his behavior. I realize people innocently flirt, but there is a point when it becomes inappropriate. For many people, going out of town and spending a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex, and then responding to a picture, that is sexual in nature, with an overwhelmingly positive response would be very inappropriate. Add to the fact that she speaks to him regularly but deletes their contact, and that's enough to make most people think twice. Your suggestion that he just continue as is and just forget it about it is beyond naive, and really just stupid.

Trying to draw a parallel with me ****ing girls who are spoken for, really doesn't make sense. There are plenty of girls out there that wouldn't date me or would dump me after finding out I've slept with married women. Doesn't make them cowards, just means it's something they're not willing to tolerate in a partner. I also think it would be fair to label me as a homewrecker or whatever, as technically, I do fit the definition. I wasn't defending anything I've done, I was just explaining my reasons and thought process which was carry-over from another thread that Maple and I were a part of.

If you choose to respond, I only ask that you respond to what I have said and refrain from putting words in my mouth again.

[IndiReloaded]

There are plenty of girls out there that wouldn't date me or would dump me after finding out I've slept with married women. Doesn't make them cowards, just means it's something they're not willing to tolerate in a partner.

On this subject, Stung. What will you do if you meet a woman who rocks your world but for whom you know this will be a deal breaker. Will you hide it and hope it never comes to light? You might get away with it if she invests long enough. Will you fess up early and go the full honesty route? That puts an awful lot of power in her hands. Just something to think about. You can't change what is. Maybe you'll just stop and chalk it up to 'young & dumb'.

[Blondi3]

Blondi3, you really are something else, and all you really did was put words in my mouth. I never called her a skank. The sufficient evidence I'm talking about is the fact that she's encouraging another guy's impropriety with regard to their relationship, as well as hiding their contact. I guess you still haven't read the original post. This guy is clearly not a friend to their relationship, and she has done nothing but encourage his behavior. I realize people innocently flirt, but there is a point when it becomes inappropriate. For many people, going out of town and spending a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex, and then responding to a picture, that is sexual in nature, with an overwhelmingly positive response would be very inappropriate. Add to the fact that she speaks to him regularly but deletes their contact, and that's enough to make most people think twice. Your suggestion that he just continue as is and just forget it about it is beyond naive, and really just stupid.

Trying to draw a parallel with me ****ing girls who are spoken for, really doesn't make sense. There are plenty of girls out there that wouldn't date me or would dump me after finding out I've slept with married women. Doesn't make them cowards, just means it's something they're not willing to tolerate in a partner. I also think it would be fair to label me as a homewrecker or whatever, as technically, I do fit the definition. I wasn't defending anything I've done, I was just explaining my reasons and thought process which was carry-over from another thread that Maple and I were a part of.

If you choose to respond, I only ask that you respond to what I have said and refrain from putting words in my mouth again.

Oh Backup - come on dear, your the one putting words in peoples mouths here. The picture isn't 'sexual' in nature - it's a guys abs. And she's not hiding contact - she told her MattyP about the amount of contact they have. The lack of texts on her phone means nothing - unless of course she's assuming her boyfriend checks her phone? I don't know many people who accept that level of mutual distrust. So what if this man isn't a 'friend to their relationship' - she's the one in it. The effect he has is up to her - not him. He can offer himself on a plate and declare undeying love - doesn't mean she's going to jump his bones. But it also doesn't mean she's going to be a cow and dump on the feelings of a friend just because her boyfriend might be invading her privacy and reading her messages.

And I'm not suggesting he carry on as is - I'm suggesting he own his own problems. He doesn't trust women - he's had a bad experience that justifies that yes - but he has the choice to use that experience to screw up every relationship he has, or he can face it. He can admit to it and talk to this girl - and face the prospect that he may have misinterpretted the situation and let his own paranoia run away with him, instead of putting it all on her to behave like a nun for his comfort. And at the moment, he has no solid evidence. Trying to assume he does off one text message is projecting your experiences of women onto this girl.

As for whatever conversation you and Maple are having - well if your so comfortable as a 'homewrecker' why bother explaining your motivation? Why draw the distinction between the men who screw other women as a fingers up to other people and yourself as a man who just responds to the attention of women? Your putting the responsibility for the cheating on the women - fair enough if thats your experience - but thats not enough to say ALL women will cheat if given the opportunity. I know plenty of women who have very close or 'flirty' relationships with men but know there is a line that they would never cross. But until the guys try and cross the line, they just laugh off any flirting as nonsense. They know they wouldn't cheat and they trust their partners to know them well enough to understand that, no matter what the guy wants. You don't know this girl. At worst you can say a man is pursuing her. You can't second guess her reaction. And the difference between the women who wouldn't date you and MattyP is simple - he entered into a relationship. He knew this girl for years and decided she was worth it. He invested. Now he's feeling insecure. He can address it or he can run. A person who knows them self well enough to know they can't tolerate something is one thing - someone who commits but runs at the first sign of trouble is a coward.