Relationship changes, and questions about feelings

[ecojeanne]

Being married before you have children is the best guarantee you can get that the guy will stick around and help you raise the kids. It's not fool-proof, of course, but it's the best you are going to get. It offers a certain amount of legal protection for the children as well as the woman.

By and large, the people you know who have children and aren't married ended up pregnant by accident. Some people prefer to plan things out.

ye but isn't the divorce rate really high in the US?....like you said it's not fool-proof. Being 'married' isn't going to make much difference to him sticking around.....unless we're getting to the crooks of it and its about 'making' him stick around because it's going to cost him....it 'sounds' like women are wanting to trap men financially to a commitment they may not want. if the man doesn't want to get married but does want to have children with the girl then obviously it would make sense that he 'is' commited but has some weird problem with the word 'marraige' which of course is childish.....and pleeeeeaaaaasseeeee don't take this an insult on women trapping men....thats not what i am sayin women 'are' doing but ultimately when two people love each other and she wants to get married because its expected....i don't think it's a good enough reason to pressure him....he should want to....if he doesn't why is it ok for her to leave him? if she wants children...thats what should be being discussed.

[shh!]

Why are her interests supposed to be less important than his?

[ecojeanne]

Why are her interests supposed to be less important than his?

no i'm saying love is more important

[shh!]

I don't think you are. If he loves her and love is so important, why wouldn't he give her that which is important to her? Especially given that "marriage doesn't matter"? If it really didn't matter one way or the other, he wouldn't be fighting it.

[ecojeanne]

I don't think you are. If he loves her and love is so important, why wouldn't he give her that which is important to her? Especially given that "marriage doesn't matter"? If it really didn't matter one way or the other, he wouldn't be fighting it.

maybe because he's being pressured

[starbuck]

If he feels like it's too much pressure then it's a compatibility issue anyway. She may need to find a guy who shares her need for a formal commitment, just as he may need to find a woman who is ok with less of one. Otherwise this will constantly be an issue in their relationship.

Let's put it this way. At this stage in my life, I'm seeking a man with a decent, stable career. Not because I want someone to support me, but because I want someone who is equally as successful as me (or close to it) so that we don't have fights about money. It's actually a dealbreaker thing for me, especially after being with the sloth.

Would you tell me to go out with a jobless guy for love?

[ecojeanne]

Let's put it this way. At this stage in my life, I'm seeking a man with a decent, stable career. Not because I want someone to support me, but because I want someone who is equally as successful as me so that we don't have fights about money. It's actually a dealbreaker thing for me, especially after being with the sloth.

Would you tell me to go out with a jobless guy for love?

i'm not seeking any man now j/k hehe

but no i wouldn't go out with a guy who had no job or at least had no goals but i'd find that out pretty quick in the realtionship if he was that kind of guy, i don't think it has bearing on this issue though, she lived with the guy for a long time and it seems loves him enough to want a long term situation..i.e family, what i'm saying is...is formal commitment that important given the situation right now? what if this guy is the love of her life and has a stable job etc etc, could she regret leaving him over wanting an engagement? maybe....

[starbuck]

All I'm saying is it's HER dealbreaker thing, not yours or mine. And she is clearly not conflicted about wanting this.

If she leaves him, will she regret it? Maybe. But she'll regret it even more if she stays with him and 2 years turns into 3, 4, 5, or 6 without an engagement.

[Cain]

i'm not seeking any man now j/k hehe

but no i wouldn't go out with a guy who had no job or at least had no goals but i'd find that out pretty quick in the realtionship if he was that kind of guy, i don't think it has bearing on this issue though, she lived with the guy for a long time and it seems loves him enough to want a long term situation..i.e family, what i'm saying is...is formal commitment that important given the situation right now? what if this guy is the love of her life and has a stable job etc etc, could she regret leaving him over wanting an engagement? maybe....

To some people, marriage is a very big thing. She likely doesn't want to be one of those 40-year-old couples that have lived together for 15 years.

[ecojeanne]

i do get it....marraige is more important to some people even sometimes here in Ireland. my opinion would be about looking at the bigger picture....to me there are other more important differences that matter more....but that is just me...every situation is different.

[Cain]

i do get it....marraige is more important to some people even sometimes here in Ireland. my opinion would be about looking at the bigger picture....to me there are other more important differences that matter more....but that is just me...every situation is different.

Marriage is important to her and there's no guarantee that this guy will go through with it. She doesn't want it to turn out like her past "live-in" relationships where she thought marriage was going to come out of it.

[shh!]

maybe because he's being pressured

You are not describing a person who feels that marriage "doesn't matter", but rather someone who doesn't want to marry. I don't have a problem with a person who doesn't want to marry, but if this is the case, they should be clear about that before wasting years of a girl's life who has explicitly stated she has different goals.

[ecojeanne]

To me marriage in a lot of cases is a state of mind, some people feel it necessary to be defined and labeled as such and infact to some people this is their goal in life, my ex was one, for some people it means being a success. I remember my pal in New York crying over not being a success and mentioning that she had plenty of opportunities to marry and that she now regretted choosing not to even though she knew she wouldn’t have been happy in those choice of men. I told her of course that marriage was not what defines people as a success. I just don’t think a person or a relationship should be defined by these things. Like I said in practicality yes when kids are involved it’s important to have that legally for the security of the family unit but ultimately how bad is it to be with the one you love and who loves you for years without that label? Anyway I realise that there are many people who want this and that is ok but I personally wouldn’t recommend leaving a good relationship based on it.

[shh!]

ultimately how bad is it to be with the one you love and who loves you for years without that label?

It's not bad at all, assuming this is what BOTH parties want.

[ecojeanne]

Ok so if she leaves him and finds someone else who wants marriage but the relationship then doesn’t live up to her expectations…how will this ultimately make her happy….hopefully taking this chance and leaving her bf will enable her to find someone she is compatible with…… but what if she gets her fairytale wedding and then finds the guy wasn’t her prince because she was clouded by the need for marraige…..all I’m saying is it’s best to look at the bigger picture before taking a big step out of the relationship she has had with him for so long now. I mean he must be compatible in lots of ways since she quite obviously loves him and has stayed with him for so long