I got attached, then got discarded, and now I feel hurt. How do I feel OK about it?

[bluesummer]

I just don't think "being happy with oneself" can replace love with a guy, no matter how much people say it. =S

It goes a lot further than you think, trust me. The point is that you'll never be truly happy with another person until you are happy with yourself FIRST. That is a fact. No one can be another person's happiness. In fact, depending on another for happiness will usually lead to them resenting you at some point.

After years of failed relationships I took time off to find myself and learn to be happy single...and I was. When I found personal happiness, I met the right guy. He certainly adds a lot to my life, but he isn't my whole life.

[Ugly_Swan]

It goes a lot further than you think, trust me. The point is that you'll never be truly happy with another person until you are happy with yourself FIRST. That is a fact. No one can be another person's happiness. In fact, depending on another for happiness will usually lead to them resenting you at some point.

After years of failed relationships I took time off to find myself and learn to be happy single...and I was. When I found personal happiness, I met the right guy. He certainly adds a lot to my life, but he isn't my whole life.

See, that's the thing. I hear that a lot. But I just can't conceive of it yet. Because I only feel happy when I'm loved. So even if I become happy alone--and it's not like I don't enjoy life when I don't have a bf (I'm feeling pretty good right now and I'm single)--I just can't comprehend how I would be able to NOT get attached to the next BF. As soon as I like them they become the centre of my world because nothing feels as good as that...stuff.

[michelle23]

Theres your problem right there. Making someone your whole world puts too much pressure on them. No single person can be your everything or match all your needs. You need a life outside the relationship too so you dont smother each other and so your not left with nothing if the relationship ends.

Your fear of being alone and your need for a man is your biggest problem and its not attractive. You shouldnt need a man, just want one and always be a little hard to get and easy to lose. Thats the secret to keeping him by your side. When he knows that you know what you are worth and you know you can and will replace him if he messes you around-then hell never wana let you go. Be confident, independent and always leave him wanting more. After 5 years its still working for me

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[Ugly_Swan]

Theres your problem right there. Making someone your whole world puts too much pressure on them. No single person can be your everything or match all your needs. You need a life outside the relationship too so you dont smother each other and so your not left with nothing if the relationship ends.

Your fear of being alone and your need for a man is your biggest problem and its not attractive. You shouldnt need a man, just want one and always be a little hard to get and easy to lose. Thats the secret to keeping him by your side. When he knows that you know what you are worth and you know you can and will replace him if he messes you around-then hell never wana let you go. Be confident, independent and always leave him wanting more. After 5 years its still working for me

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Sigh, no I know all this is true etc. It's just much much easier said than done. Nothing in life is interesting to me EXCEPT men/romance--like even the will/motivation to get out of bed and study, worry about career, be concerned about aging, etc...is all for the sake of being a decent enough human so as to keep myself datable.

I love friendship. And dancing. And philosophical thought. But as much as I love those things--they just don't compare to the awesomeness of being with a guy you love that loves you =/

And the thing about being hard to get always causes emotional turmoil when I hear it -- it sucks that I have to unwillingly pretend to not be myself (i.e. strong). And if any weaknesses come out, it's over. It sucks that love doesn't even exist, really. Just an illusion until problems come out.

[michelle23]

See im not saying you should pretend to be hard to get. You should actually be hard to get and set your standards high.

Maybe you should consider seeing a counsellor? I know love is a basic human need that we all crave but placing your whole self worth on it is not healthy.

I was single for a year before i met my bf and really happy and it gave me time to really think about what i want. I went on dates, met lots of different guys but was really fussy and didnt settle. Now ive a great man who i love with all my heart and he was worth waiting for

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[toknow]

I think liking someone just because they are hard to get is ridiculous, and shows they are not liking you for the right things.

If I like someone it doesn't matter to me, if anyone else likes them. Also, the more someone likes me, that doesn't make me like the person less, quite the opposite.
It's seems usually the less someone is liked, the more they like you, which is ridiculous.

I mean, playing games can be fun, but it shouldn't be what keeps you together.

I have to agree with swan on this, without love, one is only existing.

See this is what people don't understand: If you love someone, you will have so much fun being with that person that you will naturally want to spend time with them and it won't get boring or less exciting, but quite the opposite.
You tend to want to spend the most time with the person you love most.

Another misconception is that someone is certain or easy to keep - there is no such thing, you can lose even the most sure person in the blink of an eye, that's why you should appreciate your loved one no matter how available they seem, because they are not and never will be a sure thing. Every second of this incredible life is precious.

[michelle23]

You misinterpreted what i was saying. Nowhere did i say to play games or play hard to get. I said to be hard to get coz youve got high standards and expectations and your not gonna settle for second best. Big difference

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[Wakeup]

The thing I worry about is that without meeting a new guy that I'm crazy about, I'll never get out of the regret and loss and hopelessness about the future. Because I've already been in a situation where I pined for an ex for 2 YEARS and it was only because I finally met a guy liked very much (this recent ex) that I finally got over the other one...

I just don't think "being happy with oneself" can replace love with a guy, no matter how much people say it. =S

How's that working for ya so far?

You do yourself a huge dis-service by thinking the way you do. You NEED to be happy while being single in order to maintain a good relationship with someone else who is also happy alone. That is when you'll find your LIFEmate. You sound like you're the type that can't easily get to the stage of indifference to the filler men you meet before you finally meet the one you're good enough with to remain together for a lifetime. If that's the case, why keep getting with "filler?" Why not be more discerning, more strong so that you can ditch the one's that are'nt showing you they value you and learn to toss the frogs so that you can more quickly get to your prince?

Stop doing stupid shit like "sexting" some stuge you've not even ascertained if he values you or not because it looks as if your vag is directly connected to not only your heart but unfortunately your ego as well. You can't do casual sex of any kind without feeling "abaondoned" when they don't fall in love with you. Thats what YOU need to change up. Sex (nor anything that ends in an orgasm) will not garner you a relationship. In fact, if you're finding your men online, then you'll just be another notch on his bedpost more likely then not if you do stuff like that.

[Wakeup]

To add: Start doing things that will make you proud of yourself, an exciting person so that you will have a life aside from a romantic one. You can't make anyone happy if you're not happy. That's a fact. To place the burden of being someone's everything on your partner will be too much to bear for anyone and they'll get bored with you if you have no other interests then them.

Take a course, join a co-ed sports team, get to the gym, get the special interest catalogue from your local highschool and take a course in something you've always wanted to do but haven't done yet (ballroom dancing, wood-working, wine tasting, small motor repair, sewing even.) Just what have you accomplished in your life that makes you think you'd make a good partner to a good man?

[Ugly_Swan]

How's that working for ya so far?

You do yourself a huge dis-service by thinking the way you do. You NEED to be happy while being single in order to maintain a good relationship with someone else who is also happy alone. That is when you'll find your LIFEmate. You sound like you're the type that can't easily get to the stage of indifference to the filler men you meet before you finally meet the one you're good enough with to remain together for a lifetime. If that's the case, why keep getting with "filler?" Why not be more discerning, more strong so that you can ditch the one's that are'nt showing you they value you and learn to toss the frogs so that you can more quickly get to your prince?

Stop doing stupid shit like "sexting" some stuge you've not even ascertained if he values you or not because it looks as if your vag is directly connected to not only your heart but unfortunately your ego as well. You can't do casual sex of any kind without feeling "abaondoned" when they don't fall in love with you. Thats what YOU need to change up. Sex (nor anything that ends in an orgasm) will not garner you a relationship. In fact, if you're finding your men online, then you'll just be another notch on his bedpost more likely then not if you do stuff like that.

I was nodding in agreement with you--but just until that very last part-- I wasn't attached to him because of the sexting but because of the daily normal texting and his niceness. I did not expect him to fall in love with me lollol I didn't even want HIM as a bf. And I DO know that sex does not lead to a relationship. If I actually wanted something with this guy, I would NOT have done anything sexual, as I know that that would disqualify me as gf-material down the road. Just wanted to clear up that I'm not THAT stupid XD

Thank you for the advice, though. I do already try new things, do what I want, etc. It's just that it all pales in comparison to romance >.< How do I avoid making them the centre of my world when they're the most interesting part of it??? (not the only part)

[Ugly_Swan]

I think liking someone just because they are hard to get is ridiculous, and shows they are not liking you for the right things.

If I like someone it doesn't matter to me, if anyone else likes them. Also, the more someone likes me, that doesn't make me like the person less, quite the opposite.
It's seems usually the less someone is liked, the more they like you, which is ridiculous.

I mean, playing games can be fun, but it shouldn't be what keeps you together.

I have to agree with swan on this, without love, one is only existing.

See this is what people don't understand: If you love someone, you will have so much fun being with that person that you will naturally want to spend time with them and it won't get boring or less exciting, but quite the opposite.
You tend to want to spend the most time with the person you love most.

Another misconception is that someone is certain or easy to keep - there is no such thing, you can lose even the most sure person in the blink of an eye, that's why you should appreciate your loved one no matter how available they seem, because they are not and never will be a sure thing. Every second of this incredible life is precious.

Yeah, I don't think Michelle meant that you should "play games", but otherwise I'm glad you understand my point-of-view.

I learned the hard way over and over again about the fact that nobody is a sure thing--totally agree with you there. And now I'm not even sure how to keep living now that I know this reality. It's painful. There's no security ANYWHERE and everything is an illusion/lie. I have to basically accept that real love doesn't exist and to just be ok being completely alone (even if I have a bf/husband--they're not really there for me--they're there selfishly) for the rest of my life in order to be ok with abandonment =.=

[Wakeup]

How do I avoid making them the centre of my world when they're the most interesting part of it??? (not the only part)

You don't have enough outside interests to keep you happy in your own skin.

You also put too much weight on being friends with men you barely know but are oh so upset because they don't want to be your friend. Arguable, (but I'm convinced that) Good men don't want female friends. They want lovers only if they are'nt ready to settle down or they want a good relationship with someone who is interesting and put together. Work on YOU and the rest will follow. It will follow so nicely that you won't be addicted to "romance" the way you appear to be. Get your self-worth through accomplishes made and goals reached.

You should want it all... a full life first then a good romance with a good man wherein the two of you will last the test of time. If you keep up your fantasy about "romance" then you're going to get bored with a good mate when the New Relationship Energy wears off and you stupidly think that you "love him but you're not in love with him."

"If you actually wanted a relationship with him you would not have done anything sexual with him." Well, doing something sexual with him didn't lead you to a simple friendship either. Make female friends and leave males for your romantic adventures using the advice you've gotten in your thread. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't going to help you advance you from this pattern that (apparently) is developing for you.

Good luck, work on you and forget guys for awhile. Let us know what goals you've set for yourself that do not include men.

[toknow]

Love is the only real thing in this world, the rest is the illusion.

[toknow]

Swan, you misunderstood what I said: By saying you can lose anyone, that doesn't mean they would leave you - I meant the circumstances might take them away from you. True love is the most sure thing you can have in this world. Meaning if you have true love with them, it will last, it doesn't fade away, it doesn't let you down. True love never fails.

[flashrock]

If your ex-bf wanted to see you again- what would you do?