Husband has been sleeping with men

[Wakeup]

OP: It might be a good idea for you to talk to someone about why you picked him. You don't want to pick another one just like him in your future. You took him back after cheating without nary a thought of marriage councelling or personal therapy for the two of you. What he's done on you will screw with your self-worth and esteem as well as your confidence. It's be good if you had someone professional to help you with regaining self-love. Don't let some other man give you your worth... regain it from within.

[trevor]

eww thats disgustin i think he is gay lol

[ShatteredAgain]

Helpful Trevor, thank you!

Genuine thank you to the rest of you. Your comments make a lot of sense, with the exception of the open marriage idea, and I'm already starting to see things a bit more clearly and imagine a future without him.

[Rowen]

Wait a moment here... OP, was he bisexual before meeting you, or did he confess to you at any point that he was bisexual? I think there's a little more to this than just the fact that he cheated. By all means, please do not think that under any circumstances I'm saying cheating is okay. Believe me when I say that cheating on your partner is one of the most vile and disrespectful things a partner can do to you in a relationship... I've just known some men who have had suppressed curiosities before, and it led to humiliation and for them to do things they later felt remorse over. Perhaps your husband was in the same boat, and while it's not right for him to have gone behind your back, it might have also been a case where he was afraid of what you'd think. More than that, he might even be confused right now about what it is he wants.

I only bring this up because I feel it would be best to sit him down and have an open heart to heart conversation with him about everything. Express to him everything inside of you that's pent up and how confused and hurt you are while he's not allowed to talk...then vise versa for him. I think that may make things livable for both of you should you part (which if I were you, I would part but try to be on civil terms like that for your child's sake). Either way, you both need to get everything out so he can understand the consequences of what he's done and so you can understand his side if he was confused so you can make a united team for raising your daughter after your marriage's termination.

I hope this helps a tiny bit.

[smackie9]

Rowen I have to say hats off to you....that is the best most unbiased open mined post in this thread.

[ShatteredAgain]

Thank you Rowen. That's pretty much where we are - I've cut a long story very short here. No he wasn't bi-sexual when we met and he says he's not now. he's not attracted to men and if he had another long term relationship it would be with a woman. We have spoken about it and he is remorseful, even "disgusted" with himself. I can see the internal turmoil but that doesn't excuse the lying and disregard for me. We are not a "shouty" couple and as far as I'm concerned will remain friends (we've been together for over half of my life) but I feel like he has stolen my life away, everything I held dear I now question (except my daughter of course) and I simply cannot comprehend how you could do that to someone you love.

[smackie9]

He's not attracted to men, but he has been meeting up with strange men at hotels for sex. How much more lying can you stand?

Maybe there is a possibility he was using your marriage as a shield to hide who he really is. It's not uncommon for "closet" gay men to do this, for fear of ridicule or rejection from family and friends.

[michelle23]

He is still lying. You will never get the full truth hun and you don't need it. Closure comes from within you. He is either a closet gay and used your marriage as a way to cover it up which is an even worse betrayal or he is a sex addict who will go down any avenue including sheep shagging if he was on a deserted farm. The living a lie for so long and getting away with it points to narcissism.

Ask yourself was there any sign of him cheating over the past ten years? Have you been in denial and refused to accept it or was he really sneaky and good at hiding it? Most people could not hide this for so long so perhaps you should have recognized it sooner. That is another reason why counselling could help you.

You say your marriage is one of convenience. I am not sure why anyone would settle for this. I know many people do but to me I would leave if I no longer loved him or if he no longer loved me or if it was a sexless marriage or if I lost respect for him. Why wait around for it to get so bad to the point that one of you is cheating? Makes no sense to me.

Maybe this will help you come to terms with what he has done http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-weiss/men-cheating_b_1916104.html

I agree that you should see a counselor. Perhaps you suffer from co-dependency. When he cheated before-you were not married and didnt have kids. You had nothing tying you to this man-it should have been very easy to walk away but for some reason you went ahead and married him and had children. I think you need help for that to ensure you don't make the same mistakes again in the future.

[ShatteredAgain]

Thanks Michelle. When he cheated before it was a drunken one-night-stand (with a woman) and I did walk away. We sold our house and we lived apart for a year. He pursued me though, and begged for forgiveness. Promised it was a one off and the worst thing he's ever done etc. etc. Eventually, and not without lots of soul searching, I decided he was genuine and took him back. We then got married and had our child.

I think he is a sex addict, as some of you have said. We've spoken more today and he says it's an urge that builds in him and a couple of times a year he goes to a club, has sex, and the second it's over he feels sick with remorse and his "stomach churns" at the situation he finds himself in and he immediately leaves. He's getting a full check up on Friday, and he's going to Relate for some therapy. I've said I'll help him but the marriage is over.

Thank you for your support, I'm really not ready to talk to any of my friends or family about this yet x

[michelle23]

Its nice that you still care. However you need to look after you and your child-not him. If he really wants help he will do it on his own. You dont owe him anything so please put yourself first and let him do this alone.

Talking to family and friends about this can be tricky. They will turn on him and bad mouth him and the last thing you need now is to be dealing with all sorts of b**ching. You should tell your family your marriage is over, neither of you are happy and you were only keeping it going for your childs sake and now you have both agreed to go your separate ways. Wait until your ready to tell them the full story when you have had time to come to terms with it.

I think you are being too nice now. Its easy for him to say "oh i had a bad childhood, it turned me into an addict, im an innocent victim who got caught up in this and im sorry" and then everyone just pat his back and wipe his tears for him and he gets all sorts of support. NO i dont think so-that is just enabling him and treating him like a baby. Even a child knows that their are consequences to bad behaviour so please dont kiss his ass. Instead kick it and tell him he made his bed so go and lie in it.

All you need to do is ensure he is still a part of your daughters life. You owe her that but he is on his own. You can be polite and civil and arrage a custody plan that suits the both of you but you do not need to be his friend.

[Wakeup]

Thank you Rowen. That's pretty much where we are - I've cut a long story very short here. No he wasn't bi-sexual when we met and he says he's not now. he's not attracted to men and if he had another long term relationship it would be with a woman. We have spoken about it and he is remorseful, even "disgusted" with himself. I can see the internal turmoil but that doesn't excuse the lying and disregard for me. We are not a "shouty" couple and as far as I'm concerned will remain friends (we've been together for over half of my life) but I feel like he has stolen my life away, everything I held dear I now question (except my daughter of course) and I simply cannot comprehend how you could do that to someone you love.

I know a collegue where I worked before I retired who lived with his wife, had a daughter with her and stayed with her until their daughter went to University. When she left, he announced to his wife that he was gay rather then bi (they had been having regular sex for 20yrs.) and that he was leaving her to live with his male partner. I found that out about 10 years ago and he and his male partner are still together livining the real life he always wanted.

If your husband is sickened by his proclivities yet he still goes back for more then maybe he should just admit he's actually gay, and learn to enjoy life with the gender he was meant to enjoy it with?

As for my collegue's ex wife? I don't know how she handled it because he was who I knew, not her. I do know that their daughter loves him just as much as she always did (he's a great father) and she sees him and his husband (they married to keep it real) often.

I'm not sure how that helps you Op but perhaps it will help your daughter have a more happy and together father whom she can enjoy because she's sees he's actually happy?

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

I'll add that it's important that your daughter sees both you and her father happy and actually getting along. You don't have to be friends but you do have to be friendly and refrain from putting her in the middle of your troubles or from using her as a pawn. But you know that and I'm sure.

[searock]

he announced to his wife that he was gay rather then bi (they had been having regular sex for 20yrs.)

Just curious, how did he manage to have regular sex with his wife if he wasn't attracted to women?

[Wakeup]

Just curious, how did he manage to have regular sex with his wife if he wasn't attracted to women?

He was attracted to women but he found a gay mate that he loved and decided that men were more his thing. He'd rather be with men then women.

[michelle23]

how anyone can live a lie like that for so long is beyond me. its horrific to put someone through that. that is my biggest fear. i really hope it never happens to me but if it does im strong enough to handle it. ill be okay.

my nana had a nervous breakdown over her cheating cunt of a husband. i hope that prick is burning in hell. i wont even call him my granddad-narcissistic cunt