Girlfriend want me to stop talking to girl who is friend

[Indignant]

In regards to the question of emotional cheating: This is where I see I could be going wrong. I really like relationships of depth. With my guy friends, girl friends, parents, siblings, whatever. While I'm happy to stay with surface conversation I find something more intellectually exploratory or emotionally searching/realizing much more fun. I generally will 'go there' with whoever is willing. Do I need to tone this down? It is a good deal of my personality and one I like. All the same I can see where this could become a threat.

2 months and she's already acting like your wife?

Fras, the above is your answer. She probably is being very intuitive and feels threatened by the unknown, especially knowing that the person whom you love is a big flirt and likes to cyber.

[Cbrider]

After you try including her in your outings to improve her feelings of security, there is nothing more that could be done. She is being unreasonable,and you will just have to say no... and mean it.

Don't give up ground here, if you don't address it immediately it will only get worse. Jealous girlfriends are deal breakers.

[Gigabitch]

1) No, I am not 100% sure the disinterest is mutual. She may still like me but she clearly gets the picture. (my girlfriend rightly or wrongly believes otherwise)

I'm going to have to go against the tide here and say I think I see where your girlfriend is coming from. Granted, she's acting like a total spaz about it and it is WAY too soon in your relationship to be making these demands but I'm not sure that her instincts are wrong about your friend, and this is why:

5) I don't know if the friends seeing anyone.

6) We're pretty close.

Dude, don't you think that's a little odd? You're "close" with her and you don't even know if she's seeing someone?

Would you call your friendship reciprocal, or is she just there for you, providing all kinds of emotional connection without really sharing her own stories? If so, I see an attachment that goes beyond simple friendship.

[Indignant]

Don't give up ground here, if you don't address it immediately it will only get worse. Jealous girlfriends are deal breakers.

Jealous girlfriends are better than cheating boyfriends. period.

[lesa]

Dude, don't you think that's a little odd? You're "close" with her and you don't even know if she's seeing someone?

Would you call your friendship reciprocal, or is she just there for you, providing all kinds of emotional connection without really sharing her own stories? If so, I see an attachment that goes beyond simple friendship.

Very good point.

BlueStar, do you have a friendship that is not reciprocal?
Are you sharing your life with her but she not with you?
Do you place your girlfriend at a different and higher respect?
Have you thought of helping this "concerned" girlfriend feel more secure?
Is the girlfriend controlling in other aspects?
Are you being overly friendly to this friend?
Do you discuss your relationship or private stuff to the friend?
Was the girlfriend a friend before she became a girlfriend?
Do you have arguments with your girlfriend about your friend?

[Indignant]

Very good point.

BlueStar, do you have a friendship that is not reciprocal?
Are you sharing your life with her but she not with you?
Do you place your girlfriend at a different and higher respect?
Have you thought of helping this "concerned" girlfriend feel more secure?
Is the girlfriend controlling in other aspects?
Are you being overly friendly to this friend?
Do you discuss your relationship or private stuff to the friend?
Was the girlfriend a friend before she became a girlfriend?
Do you have arguments with your girlfriend about your friend?

had you read his posts you would know that it's a yes to the highlighted, Lesa.

[Cbrider]

Jealous girlfriends are better than cheating boyfriends. period.

Lol, well yeah I would assume so, but I wouldn't know I never have and never will be a cheater

[starbuck]

1) No, I am not 100% sure the disinterest is mutual. She may still like me but she clearly gets the picture. (my girlfriend rightly or wrongly believes otherwise)

This here is probably what the girlfriend has a big problem with, Bluestar. It sounds like she is suspicious that your female friend is waiting in the wings and secretly hoping for a break up between the two of you?

Which I think is somewhat understandable even if she is dealing with her feelings in an overly-possessive and controlling way. But by continuing to have this friendship, I'm afraid you're feeding this feeling.

That's why it might be best for all of you to hang out together for the most part. And do your best to reassure her that you have no feelings for your friend.

[lesa]

had you read his posts you would know that it's a yes to the highlighted, Lesa.

The list is to help him determine if his relationship or friendship has issues Indignant. I have read his posts.

[Mish]

In regards to the question of emotional cheating: This is where I see I could be going wrong. I really like relationships of depth. With my guy friends, girl friends, parents, siblings, whatever. While I'm happy to stay with surface conversation I find something more intellectually exploratory or emotionally searching/realizing much more fun. I generally will 'go there' with whoever is willing. Do I need to tone this down? It is a good deal of my personality and one I like. All the same I can see where this could become a threat.

I think you should definitely tone it down especially if you find yourself talking about intimate topics with her (this could be as simple as sharing some life intimacies with her, that could be leaning in the direction of emotional cheating - depending of course on the depths you go to).

[BlueStar]

Wow, thanks, I appreciate the above. Many, many things to think on.
I'm at work now so can't fully engage in this right now but if all who have been nice enough to help don't mind I'll get to the above tonight.

[BlueStar]

I suspect this will be the most multi-quoted thread in the history of forums.

I wrote:
In regards to the question of emotional cheating: This is where I see I could be going wrong. I really like relationships of depth. With my guy friends, girl friends, parents, siblings, whatever. While I'm happy to stay with surface conversation I find something more intellectually exploratory or emotionally searching/realizing much more fun. I generally will 'go there' with whoever is willing. Do I need to tone this down? It is a good deal of my personality and one I like. All the same I can see where this could become a threat.

Fras, the above is your answer. She probably is being very intuitive and feels threatened by the unknown, especially knowing that the person whom you love is a big flirt and likes to cyber.

Lol, I can be flirtatious but I don't cyber thats for sure. Seriously though, reading the above and where I write I will 'go there' with whoever is willing sounds a little more emotionally promiscuous than it actually is. In reality I just like to have good conversations. Our conversations are not sexual at all.

Don't give up ground here, if you don't address it immediately it will only get worse. Jealous girlfriends are deal breakers.

I have been doing a good job of standing my ground and being open to what we can do to understand where each other are coming from. She went to see her accupuncturist, who also acts wholistically as a person to talk to, and discussed that this is stemming from jealousy issues. The place I am at and where the uncertainty comes in is, how much and how best do I respect and unhealed wound? I feel rawly 'giving in,' would hurt her, me and us as a relationship.

I'm going to have to go against the tide here and say I think I see where your girlfriend is coming from. Granted, she's acting like a total spaz about it and it is WAY too soon in your relationship to be making these demands but I'm not sure that her instincts are wrong about your friend, and this is why:

Originally Posted by BlueStar


5) I don't know if the friends seeing anyone.

6) We're pretty close.

In regards to 5, yes, thank you for calling this to my attention. The fact that I don't know this likely does mean something more than what's on the surface. I haven't asked this as, and this plays relevance to the entire story, I previously rejected this friend as anything potentially more. She did want more and I told her I did not. She accepted this and we remained friends. I decided not to ask about her love life.

Dude, don't you think that's a little odd? You're "close" with her and you don't even know if she's seeing someone?

As mentioned above, yes, I agree.

Would you call your friendship reciprocal, or is she just there for you, providing all kinds of emotional connection without really sharing her own stories? If so, I see an attachment that goes beyond simple friendship.

Are friendship is fully reciprocal. We share each others stories. Its a great dynamic, back and forth relationship. Otherwise it would suck and I wouldn't be into a friendship.

BTW, Gigabitch, great name.

Very good point.

BlueStar, do you have a friendship that is not reciprocal?
Are you sharing your life with her but she not with you?
Do you place your girlfriend at a different and higher respect?
Have you thought of helping this "concerned" girlfriend feel more secure?
Is the girlfriend controlling in other aspects?
Are you being overly friendly to this friend?
Do you discuss your relationship or private stuff to the friend?
Was the girlfriend a friend before she became a girlfriend?
Do you have arguments with your girlfriend about your friend?

1) Friendship is reciprocal.
2) We both share.
3) My girlfriend is at a much higher respect and level of intimacy. She shares my time, love and heart. My friend is just a cool person to talk to.
4) Yes, I think about helping her all the time. To be exact how I can help best, which is of course in large part why I'm here. I don't want to be re-enforced for behavior that is detrimental to our relationship, I'm looking for a more useful way to think and ultimately help this situation.
5) Overly friendly? Not sure. This is my gray area. I've noticed that what I consider to be outgoing has been considered by some people flirty and by others to be great and fun. Its funny I'm a bit afraid of my gf's disapproval (naturally, I suppose), so between this gray area and fear I'm not quite sure what's 'right.' Hope that makes sense.
6) I haven't discussed the relationship with the friend. After rejecting the friend as anything more than a friend we haven't discussed this topic beyond my telling her I was in the current relationship. We do not talk about anything private, romantic or stuff like that.
7) Only arguments we have are about this really.

This here is probably what the girlfriend has a big problem with, Bluestar. It sounds like she is suspicious that your female friend is waiting in the wings and secretly hoping for a break up between the two of you?

Which I think is somewhat understandable even if she is dealing with her feelings in an overly-possessive and controlling way. But by continuing to have this friendship, I'm afraid you're feeding this feeling.

That's why it might be best for all of you to hang out together for the most part. And do your best to reassure her that you have no feelings for your friend.

Yup, I'm going to see if we can do the group hang out thing. Almost just to clear the air and show that there's nothing to be afraid of. As mentioned above I'm trying to work on not feeding this feeling on either side of the coin; giving into it, or outright denying it.

I think you should definitely tone it down especially if you find yourself talking about intimate topics with her (this could be as simple as sharing some life intimacies with her, that could be leaning in the direction of emotional cheating - depending of course on the depths you go to).

Yeah, I may have to do that and actually have been doing so quite naturally. Can someone explicitly define emotional cheating. Can that be done with my best guy friend of 9 years who knows everything about me. Does the male/female dynamic come into play?

Thanks all. I've done my best to answer the above, while tearing through it quickly (not reading what I wrote), I hope my intent to handle this well shines through.

[Mish]

Yeah, I may have to do that and actually have been doing so quite naturally. Can someone explicitly define emotional cheating. Can that be done with my best guy friend of 9 years who knows everything about me. Does the male/female dynamic come into play?

I used to have a link to a great site on the subject, but I can't find any more. These will have to do.

[url]http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/emotional_cheating[/url]

[url]http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231[/url]

In Summary:

Emotional cheating can be difficult to wrap your mind around. It’s not like a “real” affair (with intercourse) or a “sort-of-but-not-really” affair (everything but the intercourse). Emotional infidelity doesn't necessarily break spoken vows, create unwanted pregnancies, or spread sexually transmitted diseases. Emotional cheating can't always be spotted in the traditional ways. Emotional infidelity can be as devastating to a marriage or partnership as sexual unfaithfulness - if not more so. Determining the difference between harmless flirting versus cheating is important to a healthy relationship.

What is it?
Emotional cheating is about forming meaningful attachments with people other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you. Emotional cheating damages the relationship because it is about “connection” and that is what people want. Feeling emotionally distant from the “wife who doesn’t understand me” or the “husband who doesn’t appreciate me” makes someone more vulnerable to becoming emotionally attached to an idealized friend.

What are some of the red lights that detect whether you are an emotional cheater?

* You keep aspects of your intimate life for your “friend” and do not share them with your partner.
* You feel recognized, appreciated, even loved by your “friend” so you do not feel the need to connect to your partner. You feel a distance between you and your partner.
* You withhold and “cut off” valuable aspects of who you are, particularly your intimate self and your intimate life from your partner.
* You discuss the things you don’t like about your spouse or your married life with your friend and not with your spouse.
* You tell your “friend” more about what goes on regarding your workday and your work life than you do with your partner.
* You feel as if your “friend” has your heart.
* You are dishonest with your spouse about the extent of the friendship and feelings with and for your “friend.”
* You would be embarrassed if your partner read the e-mails, notes, or eavesdropped on a conversation, or saw the way you interacted in person with your “friend.”

[lesa]

You would be embarrassed if your partner read the e-mails, notes, or eavesdropped on a conversation, or saw the way you interacted in person with your “friend."

This is very important and a huge red flag of emotional infidelity if the answer is yes.

[BlueStar]

Well, in a sense then I am clean. I wouldn't be embarrassed.
Though there are some things that me and the other friend have more in common, they're nothing to be embarrassed about. (talks about science and stuff like that).
Anyway, I'm going to figure out a way to just reach a compromise.