My Lover Is Now My Friend...But I'm Still In Love

[DonkeyKong]

Yeah, well the conversation went about as well as could be expected, given it was one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do. She seemed pretty understanding of it all, even the car thing, but my big issue now is that it's going to be difficult to follow NC rules. Not because of ME having a problem with it, but we're both invited to a party next weekend for the game, and are both going. Now, this is a group thing, so it's not like we'll be in a room alone together or anything. I plan to be pleasant but not get into conversation. She knows that I need space from all this for a while before I can go on being her friend, and seemed to understand my reasonings, I'm just worried that she'll think this means I no longer want to be her friend or have ANY sort of relationship with her. I made it pretty clear what my intentions were, but sometimes people interpret a situation differently when there's so much emotion involved. I just really hope that NC doesn't harm our friendship.

[cmacattack1]

You can't be responsible for her interpretation of things. She is going to hear what she wants to hear. If you were explicitly clear on everything: what you want and what you think and what you feel, there isn't really any excuses on her end. You've been thinking about this for a while so I think you probably covered all the bases eh?

And yeah, that's the tricky part of NC. It probably didn't go perfectly or how you wanted it or you think of something after the fact and then want to tell them that. There is always going to be some doubts but as I've learned the hard way, you have to just push on through it and not obsess over the minor details. She will only remember the big picture looking back on it anyway. I did obsess and it got me second guessing and going back and forth on my end and that just increases the confusion and the hurt.

[hoggy522]

Hey,
The one thing you do not want to be is a 'comfort zone' for your ex, ive been there and it just ends up killing you even more, I basically got used for someone to talk to and for affection.
NC is the only choice my friend, if your always there for her she will use that to her advantage (like with you borrowing your car to her), okay so i cant really say that shes that type of person but all im saying is if you do decide to be there for her be prepared incase she is moving on.

I never wanted to try the NC tactic as i thought if i was there for my ex and went out with her every now and then i thought it'd make her realise how good we are together and how much fun we have, but it just seems to push them away further...

The thing that made me try the NC is when i read somewhere someone put 'you are basically holding your ex's hand through the break-up and making it easier for them to move on as they dont get chance to miss you' - that made me know that NC was right for me.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do

[DonkeyKong]

She definitely seemed hurt when I told her I was going to be out of touch for a while and that I didn't know for how long. That definitely made it hard for me to say since I do want to stay friends. But then I thought about it and I think now that it's probably a good sign. A bad sign would have been if she acted like she didn't care either way, at least this way I know she still values something about our relationship...hopefully not just the idea of me being her backup guy.

I told her she needs to make a decision on what she's going to do with this new guy as if she doesn't have me as a fallback option, because she doesn't. Also told her that I want nothing more than to retain a good relationship with her, as friends or otherwise, but that I can't be her friend while I'm still waiting and hoping to be more than that, so I need this time to get over her. And I will. Although to be honest, if she came to me six months from now and told me she wanted to give us another try I'd most likely be overjoyed at that...assuming I'm not in a serious relationship with somebody else by then.

I know there are going to be days when it's really hard not to break NC, but today I feel like it's the first day I can begin the process of moving on - even though it kills me that today feels like the first day in all of this that I don't have a chance to get her back. But that's the point, isn't it? To acknowledge that it's probably not going to happen and deal with that, so that I'm not hurting our friendship by pining for her and getting jealous of her new guy. I don't want to waste my energy feeling jealousy for a relationship that is probably not going to work out anyway, I just need to ride this out and see where it goes, and not worry so much about the end result.

[hoggy522]

I know how you feel when you said if 6 months down the line she asked for you back you'd be overjoyed - i think i would be too even though my ex has treated me like crap i still love her and always will.

It sounds like you are on the right track to moving on, NC will be good in the long run - im doing it to benefit myself and to get myself back on track as i dont want to be running round in circles after my ex, leave the dust to settle.

[DonkeyKong]

Yeah, having read your story, I can see some similarities between us that are pretty obvious. I just hope for your sake that if she does want to come back to you down the road you can see through any smoke and mirrors she might be putting up and make a good judgement as to whether she's really changed or not. You can't take her back just because the American guy didn't work out for her. She has to have genuinely changed, and I don't think that's very likely. I DO think it's pretty likely she'll come back to you...you just have to be strong enough to resist temptation if it doesn't feel right for you.

I hope that if the same thing happens for me, I am wise enough to take my own advice.

[DonkeyKong]

Question for anybody: Do you think NC will have a different effect because she knows that I intend to remain friends with her no matter what happens with her and the new guy?

I know NC is intended to empower us and also to be a good test of how the other person really feels...if they miss you they'll try to get you back, etc. She knows I'm not waiting around to be her backup guy, but she also knows I'm not totally gone from her life either. Just thought I'd ask...

[hoggy522]

Hey,
I think if you continue with the no contact you will both end up missing each other like mad, and maybe it will make her realise what she is missing, i know for me with the no contact all i can think about is all the good times i had with my ex, and i am pretty sure my ex does too.

So stick it out and even though your ex knows your not totally gone from her life she will still be missing you and thinking of the relationship you had, when you miss someone you always tend to think of the good times instead of the bad.

I know im not much help, but im trying

[DonkeyKong]

Yeah, I think it'll have the same effect regardless of the fact that she knows I've accepted just being friends. I just kind of wonder about how long I should go with NC...the general rule of thumb seems to be 30 days, but she's not taking that trip for almost three weeks yet, so by the time 30 days is up she'll have just gotten back from that a week earlier, and I wonder if that might be too soon - for her and for me. I'm not trying to get back with her (though it'd be great) I just am doing NC because I feel it's what's best for the friendship so I can get myself past the point of being jealous. On the other hand, I don't want to wait TOO long, because I could definitely see that harming the long term friendship too...

Ugh...

At least today finally feels like the first day in two months where I at least am in some control of the situation, and of my emotions.

[cmacattack1]

Remember, no contact is not a trick, it's not a tactic, it's not a way to empower you. Sure, it does have that effect sometimes, but the real goal is to get YOUR life on track without her in it. It's difficult to if you aren't in no contact and having your feelings and life interrupted constantly.

There is a difference. Without a relationship there is no terms of you and her. It's just you.

[hoggy522]

Remember, no contact is not a trick, it's not a tactic, it's not a way to empower you. Sure, it does have that effect sometimes, but the real goal is to get YOUR life on track without her in it. It's difficult to if you aren't in no contact and having your feelings and life interrupted constantly.

There is a difference. Without a relationship there is no terms of you and her. It's just you.

I agree with you here. When im at my weakest and think 'i need to contact her' i imagine seeing her and having the same feelings for her i had for 4 years and been knocked back by her, it works to some extent cos i feel the hurt again cos 'What i want i cant have' - like my ex did once say.

DonkeyKong dont contact until you feel sure you have put your feelings (in that way) for her aside, only be ready when you feel like you can be just friends without looking at her and wanting her, she may come back to you in the future but then again she may not so just be emotionally prepared for anything thats thrown at you

Im on day 4 of no contact, i feel its getting easier for me, ive started to sleep at night which is a positive sign!!!!

[DonkeyKong]

2 days in and already had to break NC. But it's not what you think...I didn't go weak or anything. Problem is, she and I both work out at the same place and she sent me a text asking if it was going to be a problem if we ran into each other there. I told her no, I'm not avoiding you, I just can't hang out with you for awhile. I was at first a little upset she was texting me 2 days into this, but now I think it's not so bad because it wasn't about our relationship or anything, she was just making sure she understood the boundaries of our current circumstances. Still kind of awkward though.

[DonkeyKong]

Also, she said she was going to try to avoid going during the times she thought I'd be there...but let's be realistic, when both of us only have a three hour time window between when we get off work and when the place closes, it's going to be almost impossible to avoid running into each other a few times this month...

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, that does get kind of weird. This early in no contact you don't want to be running into her. Or her making comments about it. But if it's unavoidable, there isn't much you can do about it. Don't feel required to strike up a quick convo with her, but if she comes up to you, you don't have to shut her down. This is about you, what you prefer, what you want to do. If you don't want to not talk to her because it hurts, don't. It's too early to be worried about any consequences of your actions.

No need to discuss it with her. Your thoughts and feelings are yours and not required to be shared anymore. I still think you are handling it well, I can imagine how awkward it is to have her say those things though. Like it's twisting the knife that you wanted this.

[DonkeyKong]

Well, I don't get the impression she was doing that to make a point or anything. She did seem to be actually concerned about respecting my wishes. Also, I did end up running into her as I was leaving and she was just showing up, and we had a short (like maybe one minute) conversation in the parking lot, but it was nothing heavy or anything about our relationship, just the kind of small talk exchanged between acquaintances who happen to run into each other unexpectedly.

Also, I know I shouldn't still be reading her Twitter and Facebook posts, but it's kind of hard to avoid since they're just right there for anybody to see...but already she posted last night a status update saying she was feeling a little lonely. Interesting...two days into not being able to call me whenever she feels like it and she's feeling lonely already. I know that NC is not a tactic to make the other person feel something, it's about how it benefits ME...but it is definitely interesting to see it already starting to affect her as well.