understanding the mind of someone who isn't there to ask

[bcgirl]

Its good that you take a step back and re-read your post. If a friend, or your daughter were going through something like this....what advice would you give them? I think you'd tell your daughter to stop wasting her time with someone that has shoved her aside for 10 years. I know it doesn't make sense for someone to string you along giving you some sort of hope...only to take that hope away again and again, while not being totally upfront and honest with the way he truly feels about you. I did that to a guy once upon a time. I had a boyfriend (which he knew but he always wanted to be my friend). I would string him around because he was my ego booster. He always had nice things to say about me, and our conversation was okay. When me and my boyfriend were having problems or a fight, I would call him up as a last resort (only when all my other friends were too busy to hang out) and he would ALWAYS be there to hang out or msn talk any time of the day. I always knew he had a tiny crush on me or if i didn't have a boyfriend he would try to pursue me. I felt nothing for him romantically and actually don't even consider him as a friend. I knew this guy for years and decided that I didn't want to know him AT ALL when I met my husband. My husband was there for me whenever and through whatever, so I could always depend on him and therefore don't need a "ego booster buddy". I decided to block my "ego booster buddy" from my msn, delete him on facebook and any other ways he could contact me. I didn't even say goodbye, because he wasn't anyone important in my life and I didn't want to be bothered by making up a story as to why I couldn't be his "friend" anymore. I recently logged into my old email address (one i used when emailing him) and saw tons of emails from him even recently....it's been 5 years since i've talked to him. I just knew he was very lonely and didn't have friends. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell someone after all those times that I never even considered him a "friend", it would be even crueler than what i've already done!

[jillianwetzel]

bcgirl,

Wow.

To admit that you callously used someone to boost your own ego - that is something to brag about? Is that how you want your child to treat someone someday?

I totally believe that there are people like you in the world - I just don't happen to be one of them. Maybe I am stupid and obsessive and incredibly dumb to hold onto the hope that someone that I dated might still care about me or that after we got older and wiser are more mature (or not so mature selves) might be better suited toward a relationship, but I would much rather be that type of person than someone who treats someone as an "ego boost".

People have feelings. I believe in being honest with people about how I feel. If you ask me out and I'm not interested, I will kindly tell you I'm not interested. I won't beat around the bush. If someone has a tendency to act like I did, that they were interested in me and I wasn't interested in them, I would go out of my way to be respectful of their feelings in the situation. And if they still continued to act the way I did, I would say something. I would feel guilty for using someone in that way - hopefully, other people in the world feel that way too.

[stuckies]

alas Jill, not everyone is as nice about it as we would like. If I've not been interested I've always told them straight it because I wouldn't like it done to me, even though it has. It's shitty.

[IndiReloaded]

Jillian, I think bcgirl was sharing her story so you could (perhaps) understand the mindset of someone who behaves the way your ex has been.

You are very naive to think that everyone behaves (or even should behave) with complete honesty in their relationships. You might be interested to know that many cultures would find your viewpoint simplistic, like that of a child. There are many reasons he might not have told you flat out that he isn't interested in you: not wanting to hurt your feelings, not seeing any percentage in telling you (b/c if he's dating others it should be obvious), or yes, b/c he's a selfish jerk. I suspect, tho, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. You are, based on your posts, most definitely obsessive about this guy. So. Could he have been more honest with you? Sure. Is he required to? No. You are an adult and able to make your own choices about who you expend your energy on. If you made a bad choice about this, well, it seems only you are suffering for it.

We can try to explain his behaviour, but why would we? He's not posting here, you are. And my final advice to you is this: You are going to end up bitter and alone if you don't learn to modulate those expectations of others. People don't owe you any type of behaviour. If you want respect from others you need to take it for yourself. Learn to say clearly what you want and what you don't. Stop expecting others to fill in your gaps for you and you'll be happier for it.

Best,
- Indi

[Wakeup]

all because he never had the courage to tell a girl who was interested in him

He told you several times through his actions that he wasn't interested in you in the way you wanted him to be. I'm surprised you didn't hear him.

[Gypsybell]

Well. Clap,Clap, Clap. Indireloaded, Bcgirl and Wakeup! So what's going on with the 'thanks' button? and it keeps throwing me off, says I have 'exceeded the posts I'm allowed to view' ??? then I have to log back in. I've been off line for a week or so and things have obviously changed (shrug) Oh, well, I see the problems are still mounting and the aces are still on the ball.

Jillian, love, Indie isn't being nastie, it's actually very 'growthful' (and often painfull) to get a no frills reaction to what we project of ourselves, and he's an honest and caring guy(or he wouldn't be on this forum giving his time and effort so consistently) It is the truth as he sees it from a male point of view and valuable as such. After all, you wanted to know what your ex 'might be thinking' and you couldn't figure it out for yourself over 13 years of trying. So try to see it as constructive and maybe consider that you have been a doormat to that bloke and no one respects a doormat, lovie, they just wipe their feet on them and throw them away when they've used them enough.

Which brings us to Bcgirl's courageous revellation for your benefit. She was not saying she thought it was a good thing, only that it can happen and that some people just do things because its better than being alone when you are down (which is when we are all a little ego hungry and self absorbed) We all use others at some stage and in maturity, (if we are honest) can see that it was a bit off, or truly repent. So, I reckon people who can use their own experiences, warts and all, for the benefit of others, are also honest and, yes, caring. The human condition has many imperfections and to state that you, yourself, are above 'using others as ego boosters' is a bit simplistic. We all tend to gravitate to people who give us comfort or make us feel important to them. Sometimes we do it selfishly, use them like ports in a storm and then sail on our merry way when we feel restored.( a little like infants tend to use parents who spoil them) There will always be feet wipers and doormats, the aim is to grow beyond either of those imbalanced stages of life, admit to errors and learn from them. Thirteen years is an excessive learning period.

So time to really hear the WAKEUP message. You think?

[alwaystryin]

So well put. Amen. Or thank you lol..

[IndiReloaded]

So what's going on with the 'thanks' button? and it keeps throwing me off, says I have 'exceeded the posts I'm allowed to view' ??? then I have to log back in. I've been off line for a week or so and things have obviously changed (shrug) Oh, well, I see the problems are still mounting and the aces are still on the ball.

The forum has been updated recently. Think of it like when you install a new version of Windows and you have to fix and reinstall a bunch of stuff. Same thing.

[smackie9]

A lot of great advice here, but falling on someone's deaf ears.....we are wasting our time....I bet they ran off to another site in hopes to find someone to tell them what they want to hear.

[IndiReloaded]

No, I'm sure she read it. Sometimes, there's nothing more to post.

/thread

[bcgirl]

bcgirl,

Wow.

To admit that you callously used someone to boost your own ego - that is something to brag about? Is that how you want your child to treat someone someday?

I totally believe that there are people like you in the world - I just don't happen to be one of them. Maybe I am stupid and obsessive and incredibly dumb to hold onto the hope that someone that I dated might still care about me or that after we got older and wiser are more mature (or not so mature selves) might be better suited toward a relationship, but I would much rather be that type of person than someone who treats someone as an "ego boost".

People have feelings. I believe in being honest with people about how I feel. If you ask me out and I'm not interested, I will kindly tell you I'm not interested. I won't beat around the bush. If someone has a tendency to act like I did, that they were interested in me and I wasn't interested in them, I would go out of my way to be respectful of their feelings in the situation. And if they still continued to act the way I did, I would say something. I would feel guilty for using someone in that way - hopefully, other people in the world feel that way too.

I am not writing my experience to brag, but rather give you a glimpse into something this guy can be feeling towards you through my personal experience which seemed very close to what you've written in your post from a different point of view. What i did was obviously wrong, but we are all human and the world is filled with people that do "not so moral things". Although it would be peaches and cream for everyone to be walking around this world being 100% honest, incapable of backstabbing, and not having a nasty thought throughout their life about someone.... unfortunately, this is not the way God made us. People do selfish things mainly because they are in a not so happy place in their lives. As I mentioned, i did what I did because I was having problems with my ex boyfriend. Perhaps your "friend" is having problems with his girlfriend and therefore seeks you out in times of need and loneliness, just like what I did. Yes, it is very hard to accept this to be true. But if someone were to tell the guy whom i led on the actual truth, he wouldn't believe it either. It's our human nature to have faith in humanity, until you see it face to face and know the real truth, will you become more aware that the outside world is not all rainbows and butterflies. There are snakes and quicksand that you gotta watch out for.

A defense attorney will do everything in his power to let a murderer walk free
A car mechanic will tell you false things about your car to make a bigger sale
The Roman Catholic church tried to hide and lie to the public about child molestation
50% of people in this world have cheated in a relationship

The list can go on forever..... don't be naive. If you think my behaviour was bad (it was), but wake up and smell the coffee... you are living in a world where you get backstabbed in one form or another on a daily basis.