Dilemma

[michelle23]

I think an open marriage is an even unhealthier environment for kids than divorce. One minute mummy and daddy are together-everything is fine-the next daddy got his mistress pregnant, mummy caught HIV and were gonna have a new brother/sister in 9months that we only see 3 times a week...

Seriously?? Its healthier to say-mummy and daddy are not happy living together anymore coz sometimes adults grow apart but we will both always love you no matter what and we will both always be a part of your life.. bring them to a family counsellor and make the divorce amicable and friendly-share custody

If its done the right way, then it can be fine on the kids. Its not fine when they see there parents fighting like cat and dog and then are introduced to a new lover a week later.. who replaces them

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Ill add: your wife doesnt love you anymore-the emotional intimacy is not there which is why she is turned off sex with you. And the fact she said she never wants sex again gives you a definate answer-no counselling wont fix it

And if you have an open marriage-its only a matter of time before one of you falls in love which makes a divorce inevitable so why pro-long it?

[Wakeup]

And if you have an open marriage-its only a matter of time before one of you falls in love which makes a divorce inevitable so why pro-long it?

Being in an open marriage does not mean that its only a matter of time that you fall in love with someone else but that is what you should strive for, Op. Even religious people think the only cause for divorce is infidelity. Which even if you have consent, the religious would think you were still committing adultery.

At least it would give you the nudge you need to move past your codependent relationship.

[chinagirl]

I agree with Michelle....just get divorced instead of being in an open marriage. It can't be healthy for kids to see their parents living in the same roof yet see them flirting and doing stuff with other people.

Whatever decision you make, you have to do what's best for your children.

[Wakeup]

I would imagine that the children wouldnt be privy to such goings on. We as parents dont have sex in front of our children.

[chinagirl]

I would imagine that the children wouldnt be privy to such goings on. We as parents dont have sex in front of our children.

No we don't but kids are smart and they can sense what's going on with their parents. You can only hide so much from them until they eventually find out.

[rest77]

As a woman, i would say, if i am no longer attracted to a guy and had no feeling for him, sex is the last thing on the list that i would want with him.

If the guy is a nice person, i would find it difficult to end the relationship, so i wouldn't look like "The bad person". I would deny him sex, knowing fully well that he can't stay without sex. So that would kind of open the door for him to date or have sex with girls which will make it easier for me to bail myself out of the relationship.

When am no longer attracted or aroused by him, i really don't care if he ends up with my best girlfriend, i would be happy for them, because my feeling for him is dead and nothing can bring it back to life.

I hope your wife is honest about her feelings, so you know where you stand. If it's something you can fix or if it's time to move on...

[unclear]

I am grateful to you all for sharing your thoughts. I could be wrong, but my sense is that my wife is not really sure what she wants. It may prove impossible to stay together due to sexual frustration on one or both of our parts, but at the present time I am feeling inclined to stay together and see what happens. My own experience of my parents' divorce was too strongly negative for me to choose that for my children, unless I really, really have to. Feel free to keep commenting/advising--I think it's valuable to gather views from as many sides as possible.

[searock]

Have you seen a couple's therapist with your wife? Do so asap.

Note: not a sex therapist. That didn't work. If you really want to make your marriage work, you need someone who will take that approach - focusing on the marriage and not just on your sex life.

[unclear]

Yes, we started seeing a marriage counselor (not sex counselor) last week. Next appt. is Friday.

Michelle, in post #16, 2nd paragraph, you describe how my parents handled it with me--clear, amicable, shared custody--and it was NOT fine with me. So while I see why so many people advise divorce, I can't buy it that the kids will be fine.

[unclear]

Update from tonight's couples therapy: debaser, rest77, and others seem to be on track with my wife's attitude. She is actively considering separation as an option, and it seems she is letting this play out slowly rather than jumping in and being the "bad guy." I don't know if her attitude might change--I hope so--but she seems pretty firm about having no interest in a sexual relationship with me. Anyone think celibacy is a realistic option? I don't know if I could handle that long-term. This sucks.

[searock]

Of course you shouldn't force yourself to never have sex again. I'm sorry for your situation. If it's any consolation, just because your experience with your parents' divorce was a negative one doesn't mean that it will be the same for your kids.

[smackie9]

Not 50s... her proposal is never. Not talking about just staying together until the kids are grown... talking about staying married permanently with no sex. I admit, it sounds ludicrous, but this is where I am.

I meant that you would be willing to wait to have sex again in your 50's because you finally came to your senses and got a divorce.

[dem862]

You have a classic sexless marriage. This is more common than you realize. Typically, one of two things happen. Either the marriage lasts, but one (usually the male) or both partners finds sexual outlet elsewhere (either overt or covert), or a divorce takes place. A marriage can last without sex as long as they love each other and are able to resolve conflict successfully.

I suppose it is possible to remain celibate for the rest of your life, but I think this is relatively rare. If you want to pursue this, you might want to look into chemical castration (there is a pill that suppresses testosterone). I don't know if doctors would prescribe this on a purely voluntary basis. Also a number of the SSRI anti-depressants have the side effort of suppression of the libido.

You are at present coming to terms with your situation and considering all options. Your counseling sessions will be very helpful with this. Keep an open mind. I don't know if it is possible for your wife to regain her sexual attraction to you, but I am inclined to think not. I suspect she needs to be willing to do some deep introspection and to find out what happened to create this rift in the first place. Good luck to you.

[michelle23]

You are your kids role models. Teaching them its okay to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship is not good guidance for them. Of course divorce is hard on everyone involved-my bf suffered a lot and had a lot of anger etc for a long time after his parents split but hes grown into a mature, strong, decent, honest man who is kind, highly affectionate, generous and considerate. There is light at the end of it.

I just dont believe in settling for second best and staying in a tense environment where everyone is always on edge.

Realistically you know you dont want to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life and I honestly feel an open marriage is more unhealthy, confusing and upsetting for your kids should they find out.

All it takes is for you to be seen having coffee with someone and theyl put two and two together especially as they get older

[Wakeup]

If you're going to stay then I suggest that you at least show your wife, and she show you affection. Kissing goodbye, hugging hello the odd cuddle. At least then they will see that you have affection for one another. If you can exist without arguing (and blue balls) then they shouldn't be too screwed up. BUT (big but) i'd imagine your wife will want to separate because she hasn't lost her libido in general... she's just lost it for you. If you're going to stay together and make it work then you BOTH have to be on board for that so it works without dysfunction. You will not be the first couple who stayed together for reasons other then love.

Not that you're considering it at all, however: As for seeing you with another woman at a coffee shop. In this day and age of opposite sex friendships and blurred relationship boundaries, it wouldn't be a stretch to tell them you're having a coffee with your friend.

There are millions of people who are in open relationships or polyamorous ones where I'm sure they are capable of keeping their lifestyle secret from anyone they don't want knowing about it.

If you're even interested in that dynamic, Op just google it and I'm sure you'll probably find message boards catering to the lifestyle. Opposing opinions from people that have never partaken are hardly going to do your already mixed up brain any good.

Good luck whatever you decide to do but nothing BUT divorce will happen if the TWO of you can't get on board as to how to handle this.