Baby?

[Cain]

But she's been thinking (in some way whether jokingly or not) that she may be pregnant monthly. I would not like to have that feeling every month, whether I am happy about it or not. She seems to not be 100% sure whether she may be pregnant or not almost every month. I have never, ever, ever (that I can really recall) joked about thinking I may be pregnant.

She isn't even supposed to have her period until next week. It's just something she thinks about. More of a "what if" thing than anything else.

[Cain]

What do you two plan to do if it happens? I ask because I'm genuinely curious.

It's not completely set in stone since there's no reason to plan for it until we know she's pregnant one of these days.

But ultimately, she'll be coming here for the year until I get done with my program. Then she'd have the baby here, with me, and after a couple months we'd go back to where her graduate school program is. I'd work, not go to school (which works out because I was going to be taking a year off from school anyways since I can't work full time and go to school full time in a nursing program), and take care of the baby while she's at school. The good thing about being in a nursing program is that I can work night shifts so that I could watch the baby while she's at school.

I know that having it now wouldn't be the ideal situation. It won't be ideal for eight years, but we won't be waiting that long. So no matter what we're going to have to deal with work, school, and a baby. One of us will be doing one of those things for the next 8-10 years.

[lesa]

If she is giving you these 'what ifs' often or even once then she seriously (not jokingly) want to get your opinion on what should happen....or even hinting at marriage in the very near future, IMO--I really do. This is coming from a female...Can any other females (or male) give their perspective on this situation that I am thinking?

[Cain]

We've talked about marriage and babies before I told you. The ceremony is a big thing to her parents. We want to have one ceremony where both of our families are invited. We thought about eloping and keeping our marriage a secret and then just having a ceremony later but decided against that. And she knows how I feel about the baby. She isn't hinting at it just to see what I'd say. She knows how I feel about it and knows that I'd be there for her.

I think she mentions it simply because it excites her a little, whether she wants to admit that or not.

[lesa]

I think she wants more than talk. I know you guys talked about marriage and babies but she is maybe unconsciously wanting to DO marriage and babies in very near future, if that makes sense.

[Cain]

We for sure want both to happen right now. We've talked about that. We'd love to get married and have a baby tomorrow, but the marriage is going to wait until we are ready for one big ceremony. We've discussed that and that was her idea just as much as mine.

And we want a baby, but we aren't trying to have one. If she gets pregnant, then we'd be happy, but we aren't taking her off the pill so she will definitely get pregnant.

[lesa]

We've talked about marriage and babies before I told you. The ceremony is a big thing to her parents. We want to have one ceremony where both of our families are invited. We thought about eloping and keeping our marriage a secret and then just having a ceremony later but decided against that. And she knows how I feel about the baby. She isn't hinting at it just to see what I'd say. She knows how I feel about it and knows that I'd be there for her.

I think she mentions it simply because it excites her a little, whether she wants to admit that or not.

I don't think eloping and keeping marriage a secret is necessary. You can have a small wedding with family and friends now and then have a larger or more expensive one later.

I don't mean that she wants to hear what you have to say more like what do you want to do very soon. Unless she is just getting excited and fantasizing parenthood like it's a little doll. Parenthood is serious business and if she is not viewing it like that then it sounds like an 'infatuation' on being a parent...it's much more complicated and I would not want to stay in that state.

[Cain]

You're definitely confusing the situation. We both know that it's a very serious thing to raise a child. We aren't trying to have a baby right now but we'd do it if she happened to be pregnant. We both want to have one but we'd rather wait for a few years unless she happens to get pregnant sooner. We both agree that it'd be best to wait a few years, but we're also open to it in case it does happen sooner.

And we don't want to have a smaller ceremony now. We want to have one big ceremony as our real wedding ceremony. It's simple. We can stay in a committed relationship and not have to be married right now.

[lesa]

Parenthood is much more expensive than marriage--at least most low budget marriage. If my best friend who works almost minimum wage, who owes almost $100,000 USD on student loans, who owes thousands to credit card companies can invite all her best friends and both the groom and brides friends and family and have a very nice wedding indeed...then almost anyone can...surely someone who has better spending habits.

Sure, it may be her opinion to wait but surely she would not mind if you take control and want to marry her now. It's not a date for family or little girls dreams, it's the first day proving your committment to life with each other...I would love my man to take control of this date after we agree to get married...then I know he means serious business.

[lesa]

You're definitely confusing the situation. We both know that it's a very serious thing to raise a child. We aren't trying to have a baby right now but we'd do it if she happened to be pregnant. We both want to have one but we'd rather wait for a few years unless she happens to get pregnant sooner. We both agree that it'd be best to wait a few years, but we're also open to it in case it does happen sooner.

And we don't want to have a smaller ceremony now. We want to have one big ceremony as our real wedding ceremony. It's simple. We can stay in a committed relationship and not have to be married right now.

I understand...it just seems that she may unconsciously be giving conflicting information.

[Cain]

We don't want to have a ceremony right now. We just don't want to. When we're ready to have a ceremony then we will.

[Mish]

It's not completely set in stone since there's no reason to plan for it until we know she's pregnant one of these days.

I don't know. If you start planning for the baby once she's pregnant it might be too late. For example, what happens if you start planning just to find out that it's too expensive for you to have a baby right now and you just won't be able to afford it? What happens when either one of you discovers that if you don't finish studies now the earliest either one will be able to even come back to the studies will be at least 6 years after the birth of the baby? Are both of you prepared to put your lives on hold for the next couple of years in favour of the kid's future? Also you need to consider any additional implications that might strecth this already fragile situation like possible postpartem depression for example.

I think once you start planning you will find that there are many questions that need to be answered. And there could be some things that you assume now, which are actually not practical and when faced with reality of having a child will simply not work out.

Sorry for being so negative and discouraging. Just trying to look out for you

[vashti]

Honestly Cain, I like you, but you have no idea what you are in for with having a baby. It is impossible for you to know what you are getting into because you haven't had children yet. It is wonderful, but depending on your child, it can also be awful, and it is for a lot of people. You aren't even finished with your education yet. Being responsible is a big part of good parenting.

Now imagine what would be more pleasant for your child to know when they get old enough to ask (and trustme, they will ask): mom got knocked up because we were having risky sex, or mom got knocked up because we planned for your arrival.

[Cain]

I won't be done with school for at least eight years and I'm not waiting that long. I know that already... I won't wait eight years.

And Mish, I know for sure that I'll be able to finish my year.. It is over in March. And once that year is over, she'd be able to start her schooling. I'd have the support of family here to ensure that it happened just in case.

No matter what, there's going to be a risk with us having sex and having a baby. Even if I pulled out, there's a chance she could get pregnant from the precum. I can't use a condom. I don't feel anything. I've tried multiple brands and kinds but a condom doesn't allow me to get off and at times I can't even feel the penetration. The only safe options is to not have sex and that isn't happening.

[vashti]

Well, you can't say you weren't warned.