Recovering from break-up, now doing crazy things - please advise

[mini696]

Exploring the differences between women is part of the fun. If all girls were the same it would be very boring. No-ones perfect, and the "flaws" in some of my girlfriends are some of the things that turn me on.

Each to their own of course. But I wouldn't want to be with someone with a past like that. That would turn me off more than a perceived imperfection. If you go through with this, dont tell your friends, or future boyfriends. Again JMO.

Mick

[natashab]

Thanks for your replies....

So much for the uninvolved ****-buddy relationship. You sound you've become more attached than would be advised for such a situation, and you make it sound like he has too.

How? Where is the attachment?

You just need some confidence in yourself.

Yeah, you're right there! But I've been trying to have confidence in myself for the past 10 years and it's not happening, no matter what I try. In fact it seems to be getting worse. So I am just exploring this avenue as a new experience which might help me see myself differently. As a woman capable of genuinely arousing a man who doesn't have any relationship obligations towards me. If it messes up, then I'll learn from it. Right?

[misombra]

you sound like you have a VERY low self-esteem. i would recommend seeing a psychiatrist. i would also recommend staying away from men for a little while. you just broke up with one guy because you needed to "discover yourself" and now you're ****ing another guy? you're way out of control.

[natashab]

you sound like you have a VERY low self-esteem. i would recommend seeing a psychiatrist. i would also recommend staying away from men for a little while. you just broke up with one guy because you needed to "discover yourself" and now you're ****ing another guy? you're way out of control.

LOL! Excellent reply! Yeah, you could be right...

[natashab]

you sound like you have a VERY low self-esteem. i would recommend seeing a psychiatrist. you just broke up with one guy because you needed to "discover yourself" and now you're ****ing another guy? you're way out of control.

I was broken up with because he couldn't handle my insecurities - I didn't break up with him to discover myself.

And I've had therapy for ages and tried all sorts of books and techniques to improve my self-esteem, but it's not working. I know I have a deeply sexual side to me and I want to explore it, I've been too afraid to do it until now. Perhaps the knowledge I gain from this will help in discovering myself.

Why is '****ing' such a bad thing??

[misombra]

...somebody get dr. phil on the phone...

[natashab]

...somebody get dr. phil on the phone...

Very funny... I suppose I am used to more liberated attitudes. That's not a dig. I can understand your reactions. Believe me, I am not a slut. I have had 3 long-term relationships in which I was totally devoted and faithful, and 2 shorter relationships. I am not a one-night-stand person.

And I admit I am messed up. Show me someone who isn't, in their own way.

[misombra]

what is up with your insecurity problem? you're 27 girl and you need to lose the baggage. do you really want to live like that all the time. nothing is wrong with ****ing but is that really what you want or are you just doing it because you can't live without a man around?

[natashab]

what is up with your insecurity problem? you're 27 girl and you need to lose the baggage.

If only it were that easy

I think it's fair to say I'm trying. Thanks for the advice!

[shh!]

Wow - I've heard about girls like you, but I didn't believe it. But yeah, I agree with neo. "**** buddies" are gross and are not conducive to a healthy amount of self esteem. You are supposed to elevate yourself ABOVE the animal level. If you did, perhaps you'd find yourself more worthy of a meaningful relationship with a good man. In the meantime, buy yourself a vibrator.

[shh!]

And I've had therapy for ages and tried all sorts of books and techniques to improve my self-esteem, but it's not working.

Self esteem is EARNED, not purchased in the form of a book. You earn it by doing things that make you proud of yourself.

[lissa]

if you have self esteem issues I think you should definitely be alone for a while. it will help you think of yourself as a worthy individual. good for you for recognizing that.

there is nothing wrong about exploring your sexuality with someone you are not in love with - I mean, jesus, this isn't the 1950s! be safe, have fun and try to take it easy. go with the flow and if things don't work out w this guy there will be others so don't freak out.

also guys have a tendency not to call after a situation like this. has he called you and expressed an interest in going through w this? if so, he hasn't "forgotten" what u look like and he won't be dissappointed w you. so just take it one step at a time and don't use the term "f-buddy" around him, it can be a turn off. in general guys will be ok being "used" for sex if they don't expect anything more, but they don't want u to be reminding them about it.

for your self esteem - do u have any talents/hobbies/skills? you need to feel like you have something u really enjoy that u are good at. get out there and get busy w activities and it will help build your self esteem. write out some long and short term goals u have - career-wise, activities or sports, things you've always wanted to learn and then work towards them w small, measurable steps. this will help give u a sense of fullfillment and worth.

[whaywardj]

So much for the uninvolved ****-buddy relationship....

LOL! Ah, yes. Attachments reared their ugly little heads rather early on, didn't they?

Natasha: I said **** buddies was AT BEST one thing and AT WORST another. I didn't say it IS anything beyond mutual masturbation.

Rationalize what your proposing any way you care to in order to satisfy your sense of propriety. I'd just not expect any great revelations or understandings to come of any of it. All in all, you're just arranging to get a good ****. No great mysteries there. Enjoy.

[Rosebud]

Self esteem is EARNED, not purchased in the form of a book. You earn it by doing things that make you proud of yourself.

I agree, you can read all you want from these books and go to therapists but unless you put those techniques to use or try and do things for yourself that make you happy and feel good about yourself it's not going to work. You have to do things yourself to reep the rewards of them.

[Junsui]

Also, just because he's willing to have sex with you again doesn't mean he finds you attractive. He may just want to get laid. If you've been going to therapy for years, maybe try a different therapist? Definitely do things that will make you feel better about youself. Like shh! said, you won't find self esteem in a book.