Can Men and Women be friends?

[searock]

Yes i had feelings for her, i'm over it but what this suggested is that she mustve had feelings for me because 4 of those points were true. She never did though! She told me she just wanted me to be her friend when i confessed. I'm trying to tell you that these points aren't true.

Re-read my post: those points are about what friends of the opposite sex don't do. If they do any of those things, it means they aren't actually friends, but at least one of them has feelings for the other one. In this case, you have feelings for her. It's not friendship, because you have feelings for her.

[LifeInflux]

Yes men and women can be just friends.. I have plenty of women friends that I've never been attracted to physically, and even if they were attracted to me physically, they know where our relationship stands.

People who don't believe men and women can't be just friends have no self control, and don't pick the right kind of people to be "friends" with.

[btide15]

Re-read my post: those points are about what friends of the opposite sex don't do. If they do any of those things, it means they aren't actually friends, but at least one of them has feelings for the other one. In this case, you have feelings for her. It's not friendship, because you have feelings for her.

But i dont have feelings for her anymore and yet we still do those things.

[searock]

Clearly there is something more... I think you still have feelings for her.

Are you in a relationship with someone else right now? I'm just asking because if you are, it's one more reason for which you should stop doing the things you mentioned with your "friend".

[HDBadger]

Yes men and women can be just friends.. I have plenty of women friends that I've never been attracted to physically, and even if they were attracted to me physically, they know where our relationship stands.

People who don't believe men and women can't be just friends have no self control, and don't pick the right kind of people to be "friends" with.

Thanks for being sane.

[btide15]

Clearly there is something more... I think you still have feelings for her.

Are you in a relationship with someone else right now? I'm just asking because if you are, it's one more reason for which you should stop doing the things you mentioned with your "friend".

No i'm not in a relationship, she is however. I've been trying to be proper by distancing myself from her so i dont ruin her relationship. I havent initiated the conversation for weeks but she still sends me messages and stuff.

[searock]

Don't reply, block her number if you have to. If she protests, tell her "I have feelings for you and you don't reciprocate so keeping in contact with you would only make me suffer. Plus, you're in a relationship and knowing you're with him makes me suffer even more. Please don't contact me again". She just needs the attention and adoration you give/gave her, that's why she keeps pestering you.

[Bigd1199]

Yes, men and women can be friends.

What you have with your female "friend" though is not friendship. She clearly has a (very inappropriate, seeing as you are married) crush on you. You need to keep your distance from her, stop being in contact so often (friends don't keep in contact so often) and if she complains, tell her explicitly that you think keeping in contact more often (or going on dates with each other, even with no physical contact involved) would be disrespectful to your marriage. If she's smart/mature, she'll understand and back off.

Here are a few basic guidelines. Friends of the opposite sex DO NOT:

. keep in contact every single day - especially if it involves good morning and/or good night texts
. chat, text or talk on the phone at night (10 pm - 10 am) on a regular basis
. go on dates alone with each other on a regular basis (even if no physical contact is involved)
. talk in detail about everything that goes on in their love lives
. feel uncomfortable being in the same room with each other and their own partner (or the partner of the friend, or both)
. share any kind of non-inevitable physical contact: hugs, cuddling, kisses on the cheek, back rubs, hand holding, ...
. feel guilty or even just uncomfortable for seeing each other if they are in a relationship with someone else
. feel sexually attracted to each other (even a one-way attraction)

... get it? What you have with your female "friend" is not friendship at all.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts, but especially Searock. I find your insights very spot on, not just on this thread, but in general.

She has told me straight out multiple times that she just likes me as a friend though. She calls me a very close friend and tells me she loves me all the time, usually when she turns in at night and says good night. She has a group of very close friends that she talks to a lot, a few every day, and always tells them she loves them, so this apparently is not out of the ordinary for her. That said, I know for sure that of all these people, only one of her girlfriends she talks to anywhere near as much as she does me. She told me that directly. I was just talking to her last night and she wanted to know all about my day and all sorts of stories about what was going on at work, and kept asking questions. This is normal banter. And I don’t think any of her guy friends she hangs out with 1:1, certainly not dinner together or anything like that, unless she isn’t telling me.

Further confusing me, I know her sister and friends really like me, even though I have only met them once or twice in all these years. They often invite me to things they are doing as a group, and while I almost never go since I don’t think it is appropriate, the sister especially always seems really happy to see me. A few weeks ago, my friend was going to see me that day for dinner. Her sister called my friend up to do something, and when my friend told her she had plans, she got all pissed at her. When her sister found out she was going somewhere with me, her mood immediately changed and she apparently got all happy and told her to tell me that she said hi. I know the sister told my friend at one point a couple years ago that she should date me, but my friend said to her that I was married and I was just her friend. But while her sister tends to be kind of cranky with people, she apparently loves me. As such, my gut just feels like something is being said to all these friends and the sister that is different than she is telling me. But she is adamant that I am a platonic friend and that all these people (including the ladies on this site) that say this is wrong just don’t understand. I am confused to be honest.

I guess my original post was to discuss where the “lines” are in relationships and when they are crossed. I don’t mean to stereotype or sound sexist, but I know women tend to be very in tune to where lines are and not crossing them when it comes to other women’s boyfriends/husbands. She seems to cross lines all the time with me, but doesn’t think she is.

I actually fall in the camp of men and women can be friends, but not best friends, or very close ones. I personally cannot be that close to a woman without it being a challenge, which is why this friendship is difficult to maintain.

[searock]

You have all the right to be concerned... she is crossing lines, and the sister thing is fishy. It's like her sister is rooting for her to end up with you. I think you should tell her something like "I'm sorry but we can't see each other so often anymore, nor keep in contact so often, because I'm married and I think it's disrespectful to my marriage. I hope you understand." then if she doesn't comply, block her number/email and don't contact or see her anymore unless it's in social gatherings with other friends and with your wife.

I'm amazed your wife doesn't seem to have a problem with this situation, btw. I know I wouldn't put up with it.

[Moon1336]

She's being completely utterly disrespectful to you and your wife. Especially your wife.

She most deff has a crush or the hots for you.
I am sure if you made the moved on her. She would totally jumped on it.

[Idainaru]

She is into you but she doesnt want to be marriage breaker. I guess if you would be single, she would give a try. And this is very disrespectful to your wife, i feel sorry for her. Doing this behind her back, having feelings for her, keeping contact with her...what kinda a man are you?
Man and woman can be friends, although i am male and i admit, no matter who your girl friend is, you will always notice hers boobs, ass, face...either you are attracted or not. If not, you can be normal friend to her . If you are, then your decision will show what a person are you. Either you will step back, or hang with her and lie to yourself.

Like searock said: Here are a few basic guidelines. Friends of the opposite sex DO NOT:

. keep in contact every single day - especially if it involves good morning and/or good night texts
. chat, text or talk on the phone at night (10 pm - 10 am) on a regular basis
. go on dates alone with each other on a regular basis (even if no physical contact is involved)
. talk in detail about everything that goes on in their love lives
. feel uncomfortable being in the same room with each other and their own partner (or the partner of the friend, or both)
. share any kind of non-inevitable physical contact: hugs, cuddling, kisses on the cheek, back rubs, hand holding, ...
. feel guilty or even just uncomfortable for seeing each other if they are in a relationship with someone else
. feel sexually attracted to each other (even a one-way attraction)

[rogert66]

No, it proves that what you have with her is not friendship at all. You said it yourself, you have feelings for her. There can be no friendship when even just one of the persons involved has romantic feelings for the other person.

Really? I thought one of the foundations of a good relationship was friendship! So you can't have a friendship with your wife?

[searock]

Obviously the guidelines only apply to friends of the opposite sex who are NOT in a relationship with one another.

[DianaS]

Men and women CANNOT be friends. I don't care what anyone says - sexual tension will always be there between men and women.

[smackie9]

Really? I thought one of the foundations of a good relationship was friendship! So you can't have a friendship with your wife?

Sure but there's still the fact you are f ucking.....