How would you handle this with your mother (or father for the guys)?

[lovemuffin]

Another thing about my mother... she tried to raise me without any sexual hangups or guilt. She basically glamorized the 60s free-love stuff but when I started having sex she freaked out and screamed at me. Recently she has alluded to the idea that she is very jealous of the generations after her that dont appear to have sexual hang ups. She also used to walk around the house naked and once also with an adult female friend when I was in my teens that made me feel very uncomfortable. I also had abuse flashbacks when I was 19 during sex with a boyfriend at the time that seemed to occur with my mother when I was 4-5 years old.. but I was never sure they were real and I used to cry a lot after sex when I was young.. not from any physical pain though. I dont know if thats common for teen girls of my generaion.

[vashti]

lovemuffin, your whole thread is very annoying. Basically, what you are saying is that you need a bandaid for a scratch on your finger, when your whole arm is torn off.

Get some professional help.

[HeartIsAching]

I got in a fight with my mother recently and she said at one point "You always flaunted your boyfriends in front of me since you were a teenager." ?????????????????? WTF???

When I asked for more explanation she said "You would flaunt them in front of me like you were thinking 'Poor mom doesnt have a boyfriend' " I told her I had no idea where she got that and it really bohthered me. She said "Maybe it upsets you so much because there's truth in it." Another time we talked about it and I told her I was really upset by it she said "Well my mother said really weird things to me." The hell???? Like that makes it ok????

I am completely shocked. I never looked at my mother the way she thinks and my mother was a very attractive successful single woman and a lot of men seemed interested in her. My mom was sexually abused a lot as a kid though and has never been able to have a healthy/real relationship with a guy.

Anyway.. how would this make you feel? How would you handle it. I am not interested in mainting a relationship with her after this as I am very insulted and dont trust her anymore somehow.

Couple of things...

First, she felt like that because she's insecure. It's not your issue, but that doesn't make her feelings less valid. If she brings it up again, just tell her that it's her insecurity and not reality. She won't like it, but it needs to be said.

Second, telling you that it's because her mom said weird things to her stems from a variation of a false belief: "If you hurt me, I have the right to hurt you back." Or in this case, her mom hurt her, which she believes gives her the right to hurt you.

You CAN try talking these things out with your mother, but chances are you'll get nowhere. I'd suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings. A lot of the tools they can give you are not just applicable to alcoholism, but also to abusive relationships, and it's free.

[lovemuffin]

[QUOTE=HeartIsAching;829160]Couple of things...

First, she felt like that because she's insecure. It's not your issue, but that doesn't make her feelings less valid. If she brings it up again, just tell her that it's her insecurity and not reality. She won't like it, but it needs to be said. I told her it was her issues. Her response was "Maybe it upsets you so much because there's some truth in it." She's really nuts is what I thought about that second comment.

Second, telling you that it's because her mom said weird things to her stems from a variation of a false belief: "If you hurt me, I have the right to hurt you back." Or in this case, her mom hurt her, which she believes gives her the right to hurt you.

You CAN try talking these things out with your mother, but chances are you'll get nowhere. I'd suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings. A lot of the tools they can give you are not just applicable to alcoholism, but also to abusive relationships, and it's free. Thanks... I might try that.[/QUOTE

[lovemuffin]

lovemuffin, your whole thread is very annoying. Basically, what you are saying is that you need a bandaid for a scratch on your finger, when your whole arm is torn off.

Get some professional help.

I dont understand what you mean.

[MaidenMinx]

In response to your first bit, I too have a jealous mother. I have a thread called now it's my mum. Maybe give it a read.

My mother was also a single parent and I know for a fact that she is jealous of my happy marriage and supportive family. She is jealous of how easy it is for me, compared to the shit she has been through. She lacks empathy and warmth, BUT she is my mum.

When I was a teenager I was a cutter (well before the stupid emos). I used to slash my upper arms with razor blades. I have a scar near my armpit that could have killed my if I was a cm (half an inch) further into the inside of my arm. I told her about these things and her response was "I used to scratch myself with a compass in school too". My mind went into a serious case of WTF?!?!? because I didn't think the 2 things were comparable at all. She has done this to me all my life, belittled my problems, but I now know why she does it.

My mum had an extremely traumatic childhood. She never felt loved, always felt abandoned and had all types of abuse on top of it. With never feeling loved she never learnt how to love. She has done her best to give my brothers and I a better upbringing. She was a stay at home single parent and even though she wasn't always nice, her improvement on her parents was actually physically being there for us. Personally, I'm raising my son in a way that he will always know that he is loved. Chances are he will have issues with how he was raised and will try to improve on what I've done. It's the way of life.

Now that I have expressed that I can relate, I would have been hurt by your mums words too. It would not be enough for me to turn her out of my life. You get one mum and while it is great that you're in touch with your dad, don't ditch your mum for your dad. If your dad had REALLY wanted to see you he could have. I too have an absent father and for quite some time I gravitated towards him because he hadn't caused me as much direct pain and then I realised that both my parents are simply human and both of them are quite flawed.... just like everyone else. Take some time out from her and then slowly let her back in, on your terms. Don't be too harsh on her though. Start with not giving her the power to guilt trip you. After a couple of weeks of not talking to my mum, she contacted me and we have been on better terms since.


Oh and what Vashti meant, is you came here discussing one small thing and when people responded the whole thing snowballed into a life time of abuse.

[Wakeup]

My initial post was just to ask others how they would feel in my shoes. No on has responded to that.

Muffin ^^^ this is the bandaid you are trying to put on a severed arm. Knowing the answer to that question won't stop the bleed..( in otherwords, your childhood trauma) It's just a bandaid.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with Vash. Your posts annoy me also. You sound very self-centred. Do you still live at home (i.e. are you being supported by your mother?). If you are over 19, perhaps its time you move out and be on your own. Its in poor taste to bash the person who is supporting you when you are old enough to support yourself and clearly don't appreciate it.

[lovemuffin]

In response to your first bit, I too have a jealous mother. I have a thread called now it's my mum. Maybe give it a read.

My mother was also a single parent and I know for a fact that she is jealous of my happy marriage and supportive family. She is jealous of how easy it is for me, compared to the shit she has been through. She lacks empathy and warmth, BUT she is my mum.

When I was a teenager I was a cutter (well before the stupid emos). I used to slash my upper arms with razor blades. I have a scar near my armpit that could have killed my if I was a cm (half an inch) further into the inside of my arm. I told her about these things and her response was "I used to scratch myself with a compass in school too". My mind went into a serious case of WTF?!?!? because I didn't think the 2 things were comparable at all. She has done this to me all my life, belittled my problems, but I now know why she does it.

My mum had an extremely traumatic childhood. She never felt loved, always felt abandoned and had all types of abuse on top of it. With never feeling loved she never learnt how to love. She has done her best to give my brothers and I a better upbringing. She was a stay at home single parent and even though she wasn't always nice, her improvement on her parents was actually physically being there for us. Personally, I'm raising my son in a way that he will always know that he is loved. Chances are he will have issues with how he was raised and will try to improve on what I've done. It's the way of life.

Now that I have expressed that I can relate, I would have been hurt by your mums words too. It would not be enough for me to turn her out of my life. You get one mum and while it is great that you're in touch with your dad, don't ditch your mum for your dad. If your dad had REALLY wanted to see you he could have. I too have an absent father and for quite some time I gravitated towards him because he hadn't caused me as much direct pain and then I realised that both my parents are simply human and both of them are quite flawed.... just like everyone else. Take some time out from her and then slowly let her back in, on your terms. Don't be too harsh on her though. Start with not giving her the power to guilt trip you. After a couple of weeks of not talking to my mum, she contacted me and we have been on better terms since.


Oh and what Vashti meant, is you came here discussing one small thing and when people responded the whole thing snowballed into a life time of abuse.

My dad wasn't allowed into the country until my sister or I turned 18 and invited him here. He tried to keep in touch with cards and letteres but my mother started taking them.

I only recently started recalling the flashbacks I had when I was 19.

[lovemuffin]

I agree with Vash. Your posts annoy me also. You sound very self-centred. Do you still live at home (i.e. are you being supported by your mother?). If you are over 19, perhaps its time you move out and be on your own. Its in poor taste to bash the person who is supporting you when you are old enough to support yourself and clearly don't appreciate it.

I moved home a few times over the years. The last time was because my mother developed cancer. I took care of her the months after surgery as my sister lives across the country and rarely even comes home (I think 2 times she has come home since she left at age 19).

[KingZ]

Well, an *adult* would understand that she perhaps feels a bit of jealousy over her lost youth and your youthful beauty (if not intelligence)

Hahahaha. No, Indi, it is not her intelligence.

[lovemuffin]

Hahahaha. No, Indi, it is not her intelligence.

Oh ok... so if your mother said that to you in a nasty tone she's been jealous of you since you were a teenager... you would have no problem with that and feel completely comfortable around her? And to find out after you had recently started wondering if she had an affair with one of the most important boyfriends in your life? Sorry.. but I think not.

[vashti]

lovemuffin, one of the problems with your posts is that every time you make a new one, another shocking "fact" is presented. Maybe people could take your posts more seriously if you would have presented the entire dilemma in the first post, rather than continuously uping the ante . Do you not see how these situations are different?

1) I think my mother, who has a long history of psychological difficulties, and with whom I have had a lot of problems getting along with, may have slept with my boyfriend.

vs.

2) My mother said something annoying.

[lovemuffin]

lovemuffin, one of the problems with your posts is that every time you make a new one, another shocking "fact" is presented. Maybe people could take your posts more seriously if you would have presented the entire dilemma in the first post, rather than continuously uping the ante . Do you not see how these situations are different?

1) I think my mother, who has a long history of psychological difficulties, and with whom I have had a lot of problems getting along with, may have slept with my boyfriend.

vs.

2) My mother said something annoying.

Yes.. I wasnt sure how much I wanted to reveal.. but true there is underlying cause to the agitation. I am just getting used to dealing with all these compounded issues myself lately... my mind feels kind of blown these days.

[IndiReloaded]

I moved home a few times over the years. The last time was because my mother developed cancer. I took care of her the months after surgery as my sister lives across the country and rarely even comes home (I think 2 times she has come home since she left at age 19).

So your mother has cancer? And you are worried about your boyfriend? How long ago was this surgery? There is something very wrong with your story. Inconsistent.

Is your mother self-sufficient or not? Are you? Who is supporting who here?