Expectations from a girlfriend?

[MMX]

Thanks everyone for providing an input. It helps to talk to people regarding this stuff. Random20 & Searock, the advice you've given me sounds reasonable. However, basilandthyne has a point. The way I said what I said makes it apparent that I have made it clear that I am going to break up with her when I see her. I guess a part of me thinks she could do better if I gave her another chance and by making it clear what I want from her. It feels like its common sense for a partner to do little things here and there. I have to say she is the first girl I've been with who is so closed up and very mellow.

I don't want to sound like the weak one here but I don't want to be heartless either. Me breaking up with her will not make me happy. I will miss her and I like her so much but if that's how it should be it should be then that's what it will be. I understand that I shouldn't have sent her passive aggressive texts but she's done something similar in the past too and I tried significantly hard to keep my cool. It was tough and I didn't lash out & I managed to kinda work it out with her. But, I'm human after all and anyone can get emotional. I was stressed from exams & study and I felt I felt like I was giving and giving and not receiving what I wanted or expected. I'm not a kid and it wouldn't matter much if she got me a present or not as I'm not materialistic but its a little normal for anyone to feel a little disappointed if a greeting is not received from a partner. I know last year with my ex of 9 months, she wished me early in the day and on top of that she bought me many presents even though I never expected anything of her.

Anyways, her last text was about 26 hours ago saying she has no idea what's going on to get that reaction out of me and hopefully I explain it to her when I see her. I'm thinking about texting her back and explaining why I reacted that way without getting into too much detail and tell her that I felt very hurt from her actions & that we should talk in person after she gets back. Does anyone think that I should do this? Even if this does lead to a break up? The problem here is I never had that full conversation with her about what I expect from her in a relationship & if I don't end up doing that and break up, I will feel as if I never fully gave her that chance.
The last thing I want to do is sound like a jerk. I want to be considerate and thoughtful even though this is how I feel about her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

[TablesandChairs]

In all honesty, giving someone an allergy relief tablet is something I would do for even a work colleague, let alone a partner. It's not much but because you're essentially starved for reciprocity, it sticks out to you.

You're right about waiting to communicate with her in person. You should give yourself the opportunity to get things off your chest and see how she responds. You don't necessarily have to break up with her...but if she continues like this (making zero effort), you're going to feel shittier as the time goes by. Sometimes, it's easier to be single than with someone who doesn't seem to give a crap.

You're not really asking for much...so she has no excuse.

[MMX]

In all honesty, giving someone an allergy relief tablet is something I would do for even a work colleague, let alone a partner. It's not much but because you're essentially starved for reciprocity, it sticks out to you.

You're right about waiting to communicate with her in person. You should give yourself the opportunity to get things off your chest and see how she responds. You don't necessarily have to break up with her...but if she continues like this (making zero effort), you're going to feel shittier as the time goes by. Sometimes, it's easier to be single than with someone who doesn't seem to give a crap.

You're not really asking for much...so she has no excuse.

Well you seem to be backing me up on how I feel and you seem to agree that its okay to feel the way I feel so I will completely acknowledge what you say. I don't plan on sticking around if it does remain the same but I think I should give her an opportunity to redeem herself perhaps. I don't know how the conversation will go but regardless if she says straight up that she just can't do it then I will literally break up with her on th spot. I don't want to be in a relationship where the other person puts in no effort and expects me to carry the load.

Oh & I know I mentioned the allergy tablets thing but she also planned a trip to take me away somewhere for my birthday. It never happened obviously and that's because I got busy and then she didn't bother to follow up. That and the allergy tablet and eye drop thing are the only things she even offered as a part of sincerity. I don't see it being a big deal like you say but I guess it did stick out a little because those were the only things she kinda did for me. I guess I'm impressed from very little efforts too and that's my fault as well. I should perhaps try putting up the bar higher in terms of expectations and requirements from my partner. I don't think I will break up with her straight up, I do need to get those things off my chest & now that I'm calm I feel a bit foolish myself.

Thank you, your advice has been very helpful!

[MMX]

Im still unsure if I should text her and tell her briefly why I reacted the way I did? Does it make any difference now?

[basilandthyme]

Never discuss important issues over text. Sending another text now will only dig you into a deeper hole than you're already in.

If you want to talk about it with her while she's away, call her and speak with her.

[MMX]

Never discuss important issues over text. Sending another text now will only dig you into a deeper hole than you're already in.

If you want to talk about it with her while she's away, call her and speak with her.

But she knows that I'm upset with her so I shouldn't do anything to at least maybe try lighten the mood? We haven't talked since my last text. If its the right move to just leave her alone till she gets back then I guess I will just have to wait another day and that is when she comes back tomorrow.

[okwhat2013]

I am sorry if I was confusing in my original response. I do agree before I met my current girlfriend I would just say leave her. However yes there are women who demonstrate low interest but actually do have interest but overly shy or have been hurt by previous relationships so are very guarded and have n issue showing interest.
I guess my point is that if you make it very clear to her that you have high interest in her and you want to invest in relationship she should let down her guard. However I will say that I only have experience with my current girlfriend because she is really the first non wild shy girl I have ever been with. I will tell that what made her my girlfriend is I got fed up with all the mixed signals and told her straight up.
I know you are naturally shy and you have been hurt but You have to stop being so flaky just because you are afraid to get hurt. I like you and want to get to know you however You are making it impossible.
Ever since then it has been wonderful like a night and day difference. I can't sy this will work for you but I justed wanted to share what I just went through. I do agree that whatever you do. Do it in person not text. Sorry for the mistakes. I'm writing on my iPhone and cant add punctations. Lol

[MMX]

It seems that she is frustrated as some of you have assumed. She sent me a text today saying she is very annoyed and she doesn't want to hear from me till I apologize and explain to her. I did reply back in a nice calm manner that I want to talk it out in person and not through text. She thought and she felt like she still had no idea as to what happened. The reason why I still haven't told her is because I don't want to make it sound purely her fault for not wishing me but that the prolonged affection in the relationship is missing. I concluded saying I don't like to argue and I don't want to be upset at her as she is with me. She read my text but didn't bother to reply back. It seems we both are in a very volatile situation here and its quite clear that she felt very threatened by the fact I said I'm done with her. Anyways I told her also I don't owe her an apology but I did acknowledge that I shouldn't have acted out that way and that the only reason I said what I said was because I felt very hurt and upset. So I guess I'm trying to stand my ground and not be a jerk at the same time. Its very difficult to do seeing she has no idea about this at all. By the look of things I don't even know if she will see me again but if she does it looks like it will be tough to patch anything out clearly without any tension. Right now I feel awful and sad and have no idea what to do.

[searock]

Call her and explain to her why you feel so upset. Don't be confrontational or accusing, use "I" statements and keep your tone calm.

[MMX]

Call her and explain to her why you feel so upset. Don't be confrontational or accusing, use "I" statements and keep your tone calm.

I would call her but I don't really do to well in phone conversations. It's either on text or in person we usually talk. So, since the day we started talking its only been text and in person conversations and never once have we talked on phone.

However, I told her in a calm cool manner that I don't want to discuss this in text and that I would talk to her about in person. I did briefly tell her that I felt very hurt and disappointed and that's why I reacted the way I did. She still hasn't replied to the text yet. If she wants to give me the so called silent treatment she can do it at her own risk. I suppose the worse she makes it for me to communicate with her the less I want to feel as if I want to cooperate with her and resolve it.

It might have started out of nothing but if she doesn't want to show initiative to talk about it in person, I don't think I should be with her any more. I did put in my end of effort and said what needed to be said so now I'm waiting for her to message me back. She is due back today & she has probably arrived already or if not maybe back tonight. Given, if she does not respond by maybe tomorrow night, maybe I should tell her right up that it's over? Or should I message her again?
I don't really know what else is the option but by the sound of things she is showing that it's all my fault since I didn't explain to her clearly but rather than not say anything I think it would be wise to try sort it out.
I don't like doing text breakups but it seems to me that she couldn't care less how I feel.

[TablesandChairs]

Unless she's autistic or entirely clueless, then I don't know how on earth she thinks it's okay not to make an effort on your partners birthday. If I remember correctly, she didn't even text until you reminded her of something to that effect.

If this person can function in life and can maintain friendships and other relationships, then you are right to assume that she is *choosing* to put no effort into the relationship. However, if she has no friends and is generally a social outcast...then maybe you can assume this is just the way she is and that she has a deficit or some sort.

It's okay to get frustrated when someone treats you like you're an after-thought, but now is the time to just stay calm and evaluate things. Talk it through face-to-face is possible, over the phone if now...and simply ask her why she makes so little effort. If she says she doesn't know what you're talking about, give her specific examples. Then give her examples of the things you do that never get reciprocated. You don't want to come out of the conversation without clarity so be calm and specific. Listen carefully but don't blindly believe any old excuse...she's not a child and we're assuming she's not mentally deficient either, so you're expecting an adult response.

After that, you should be in a better position to judge whether you want to stay or go.

[MMX]

Unless she's autistic or entirely clueless, then I don't know how on earth she thinks it's okay not to make an effort on your partners birthday. If I remember correctly, she didn't even text until you reminded her of something to that effect.

If this person can function in life and can maintain friendships and other relationships, then you are right to assume that she is *choosing* to put no effort into the relationship. However, if she has no friends and is generally a social outcast...then maybe you can assume this is just the way she is and that she has a deficit or some sort.

It's okay to get frustrated when someone treats you like you're an after-thought, but now is the time to just stay calm and evaluate things. Talk it through face-to-face is possible, over the phone if now...and simply ask her why she makes so little effort. If she says she doesn't know what you're talking about, give her specific examples. Then give her examples of the things you do that never get reciprocated. You don't want to come out of the conversation without clarity so be calm and specific. Listen carefully but don't blindly believe any old excuse...she's not a child and we're assuming she's not mentally deficient either, so you're expecting an adult response.

After that, you should be in a better position to judge whether you want to stay or go.

You are completely right on that & great advice. However, she just hasn't replied to my message yet and like I mentioned a little earlier we don't really talk on phone and it would make the conversation awkward for both of us.
So, what am I supposed to do if she doesn't reply? I do need to have this conversation with her either way but I also don't want to let my guard down. If I make it sound like I'm needy for her and all that, it will just give her the upper hand and control of the situation. She needs to know that I'm upset and its understandable she is upset but I can't let her take control of the situation or else it will seem as if I'm the one pleading her to help patch things up and keep continuing to be with her.

This is just very difficult, I will miss her and feel extremely hurt if I let go of her but at the same time I don't want to come across as the weak one. I do seek that clarity and I will not get it till we talk but she has to give me that opportunity at first. So if she doesn't reply, should I message her again? If so what should I tell her?

Also, can I ask, when & if I finally do end up having the conversation with her face to face, should I give her an ultimatum?
Basically I will tell her she hasn't reciprocated and I need this and that from the relationship (in a calm and concise way). However, if she cannot provide those needs, I should just say this won't work?
I'm assuming that after I've laid it out all on the table, she should be able to give me an ideal response. She isn't a kid and as a matter of fact she is 33 years old which is about 9 years older than me. So I can expect some form of maturity from her in dealing with this but if I don't see that I don't think it's wise to to pursue her any more. Over time I've come to realize my own values and standards. I'm not needy to chase a girl who can't make me feel loved or appreciated. I know there are much many other women out there who could give me what I seek and make me feel special as I want to be felt.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Wait for her to get in touch with you. I suspect she will not. There doesn't really need to be any further conversation. She does not care enough about you for an ultimatum to work in your favor. Let it go.

[searock]

However, I told her in a calm cool manner that I don't want to discuss this in text and that I would talk to her about in person. I did briefly tell her that I felt very hurt and disappointed and that's why I reacted the way I did.

Did you tell her why you felt very hurt and disappointed?

[searock]

9 years older than you?! No wonder she thinks you're a kid she can treat as she pleases. I'm against big age-gap relationships precisely for this reason... the older person will always see the younger one as a kid, and the younger person will always see the older one as an "adult".

(By "big age gap" I mean age differences that are significant compared to the persons' ages. For example, a 9-years gap isn't big if both persons are above, say, 30, but it is huge if the younger person is younger than, say, 25.)