Dating a Man With Kids and Ugly "Goodbyes"

[IndiReloaded]

Yeah, maybe I'm not being objective because I have all kinds of experience with step family arrangements that you lack. And yes, I tend to favor the children every time. Whatever....

Well, as you know, mine is to be married for about as long as you (20 years), with a family but without the messiness of a previous divorce and step kids. I juggle husband, family, career far more successfully than most women and I think that might be more the ideal the OP is going for. She doesn't sound to me suited to the whole 'blended family' thing and the sacrifices it requires. It certainly would never be my choice; based on the women I see in 2nd marriages, one has to be prepared to throw reasonable expectations out the window and the OP sounds just a bit too controlled to ride along with the chaos. I can relate completely.

OP also seems quite intelligent and aware of the issues, so I don't understand why you are being so hard on her. It seems irrational. She has the intelligence to try to get a sober second thought on her situation and she seems quite willing to discuss the issues, but quite rightly sets boundaries on how they are raised. But, as I said, for those not accustomed to messy, emotionally charged drama, that can be difficult to obtain in such situations.

I could be wrong about this, but her posts sound a lot like myself at her age. So perhaps my own opinion is suspect. Certainly, if she is looking for guidance on how to become a wife to this guy with teenagers then you are the 'go to' on this subject. With one major difference: you got to raise your stepchildren into teenagers. You had input during a key developmental period. The OP doesn't. So, the whole 'manners' thing is totally the wrong focus. That's not the real problem here, IMO.

[vashti]

She doesn't sound to me suited to the whole 'blended family' thing and the sacrifices it requires. It certainly would never be my choice; based on the women I see in 2nd marriages, one has to be prepared to throw reasonable expectations out the window and the OP sounds just a bit too controlled to ride along with the chaos. I can relate completely.

On this we agree. ^

OP also seems quite intelligent and aware of the issues, so I don't understand why you are being so hard on her.

I don't think I was especially hard on her. Her expectations were unrealistic, and she was (IMO) inexplicably rude. To children. And his mother. Honestly, I don't think she will be able to recover from this, even if she wants to. And I hope she doesn't. At her age, it is too easy to find someone who doesn't have this kind of baggage....

[IndiReloaded]

Well, back to her original question, I think we can definitely offer ideas on how to broach these issues, but I think I'd like to see hoppy's update first. It may be a non-issue now, as you say.

[sookie6]

I'm not sure how old the OP is but my nephews are 5 and have been taught to say good bye when leaving someone...they are told off when they don't.

Really Indi you can't find excuses for this particular lack of manners from the OP. And I agree that the OP probably has a lot of qualities and her own side of the story but at least following this incident she should review her sense of 'eitiquette'.

Would I have been the mother I would not have been impressed at all! And I am very open-minded person...I would accept my son to date anyone, any age, any background but WITH consideration and respect for people.

Because even if she doesn't not mean bad this sort of behaviour could be seen as insulting...

Otherwise I agree with everyone than dating a man with kids require extra maturity and selflessness that depending on age or experience we are not all willing to demonstrate...

I hate to say it because it seems I am having a go at the OP but her story (don't want to miss my snowboarding, lack of patience when waiting for people doing their shopping, failing to say goodbye) point to a borderline teenage attitude....and it's all very well if she's only young....so she should not try to have a life that she's not ready for...

OP you still need time for yourself to grow and enjoy life on your terms (completely normal and you should not beat yourself over it).

[IndiReloaded]

Really Indi you can't find excuses for this particular lack of manners from the OP. And I agree that the OP probably has a lot of qualities and her own side of the story but at least following this incident she should review her sense of 'eitiquette'.

Where did I make excuses for her supposed lack of manners? I just said she sounds reasonable, and she does. Only someone terribly insecure would make a big deal out of a missed goodbye, even if they were peeved at the time. Now, given that the OP is dealing with ppl who are no doubt insecure and she is definitely on the family hot seat, it probably wasn't the smartest thing. But she has already said she is prepared to change her behaviour, so why continue to make an issue of it? It reminds me of those awful parents who will point out to their children that the milk is spilled (duh) and make them feel bad for an already obvious mistake. Furthermore, one could just as easily argue that their not thanking her for her early am trip to the airport and other efforts is unmannerly. In fact, given the relative effort involved, I would say their lapse of manners is far more serious and even indicates a tendency to take advantage of the OP. That is a far larger issue, IMO that needs to be addressed if she is going to continue to see this man.

So, the OP is rightly concerned about the lack of acknowledgment of her own efforts by her partner and the way the issue was raised. I bet her perceptions about the kids is bang-on and she is smart enough to know to hold her tongue about it. She sounds entirely reasonable, at least in my world.

But yes, let's continue to focus on the minutiae that the OP has already said she'd address, instead of the larger issues. I hadn't realized we had so many upper-class manners experts on this board, David Cholmondeley would be pleased.

[sookie6]

Please Indi

since when upper-class people have manners?

For the record ALL my family is working class...duh!!!

[starbuck]

When I said that she doesn't seem mature enough, I meant in age and experience. I knew that dating a guy with two teenage girls would not have worked for a twenty-something me. I would have found it to be a huge imposition on my life. In my thirties, I could have possibly opened up to the possibilities, but not until then. If we're talking biases, this would be mine.

Is the family a drama bomb? Maybe, but she sounds defensive enough that the story seems painted so that she comes out on top no matter what. My guess here (just a hunch) is that that her boyfriend has sensed that the OP is probably too young and busy to enmesh herself in his life and is acting out of fear. I'll agree he's not handling it great. Confronting her at her workplace was inappropriate.

Either way, as mentioned, the issue seems to be incompatibility due to no real fault of hers. Wrong time, wrong guy.

[IndiReloaded]

Please Indi

since when upper-class people have manners?

Point taken.