Heartbroken and confused.

[Horseyguy]

Nothing worse than being the crutch as I found out. And Antinko I could have written that last post of yours to the letter.

I had a very similar situation where she went into a hole over her dog getting sick in January and I ended up sticking with her even though she wasn't reciprocating back, I had a feeling that when she got through that period I'd no longer be what she wanted but whilst she was going through it she didn;t want to let me go because at that time she needed me. I tried to end it in February because she was basically holding me at arms length and just letting me in when she needed some comfort and support. She told me in january that she didn't know what she wanted anymore so I asked to break up whilst she decided what she wanted but she called me 1/2hr later saying she loved me and did want to be with me. I should have stood firm and walked away at that point. For the next three months I just ended up feeling like I was in it on my own. Emotionally she had shut down and couldn't communicate about her feelings towards either me or the relationship. Looking back now I realise it's because if she really did tell me how she was feeling I'd have ended it.

When she was feeling better in May and I pulled the plug over something else that happened that left me feeling betrayed she justified what she did because she didn;t have that feeling of being in love anymore, she had been feeling like that all the time. I asked her why she couldn;t have told me that earlier when I asked her to let me go and she just said she didn;t want it to end. It was totally selfish of her and I think she just didn;t want to go through the bad time on her own so used me as a crutch and as soon as she started to feel better she was ok for me to end it. I felt used and ended up getting really hurt because I realised what I thought was a fantastic relationship just ended up feeling like it was all a big sham. She only wanted to be with me because she didn;t want to be on her own and have to start dating someone else and go back on the dating scene.

Since January she has really changed. She became really selfish and self-centred, started drinking a lot more and getting very aggressive when she did. When I ended it I really felt I was leaving a different person from the person I fell in love with and I think that hurt me more than anything, not that I lost a relationship but I'd lost the person I fell in love with and had wasted 6 months on a stranger who treated me so much different to the person I had been with the 12 months before and as soon as she got over what she was going through she just basically cut and run on me emotionally but still wouldn't end it with me even though she knew she was being selfish and was hurting me.

Now she realises what she did and feels guilty and now she wont talk to me because it just reminds her of how bad she was to me ... talk about no-win situation

anyway I'm glad we are no longer together and I really don't want to get back with her but I'm still a but miffed over the way she just used me to get her through her rough patch

[antinko]

I'm sorry to hear that Horseguy.

I really don't know what to think about my ex. I just keep going round in circles with my feelings about the whole situation. One moment I feel it's all her fault, then the next it's my fault, then it's both our fault...then it's her.

The most retarded thing is that, when I met up with her on Saturday, I gave her a birthday card, but my mind, being the git it is, conjured the idea of "you didn't write you previous ex's name in it did you?" and now I'm super paranoid that I have done that and she hates me forever now... I'm 99% sure I didn't, but I hate my mind. Why am I torturing myself?

[Kyeema]

*lol*... that could be me, antinko, worrying about having written the wrong name in this card! Good to know I'm not the only one having such paranoid thoughts sometimes. My mind racing around, not being able to sleep... driving me crazy! But I'm 100% sure you wrote the right name in this card, so stop worrying! *big hug for you*

I really like the positive way you talk about your ex. It's beautiful and shows a lot of character. And it's sad that she couldn't cope with your flaws (she probably can't cope with her own either), but you never had a chance if she is the type of person who runs when it gets serious. I don't think going more slowly would have changed things. Unfortunately you can't change another person. She can only change herself. But obviously she is running away from herself at the moment. I also know how it feels when you partner changes but won't admit it. You feel it and see it and know it, but he/she claims that nothing has changed. And you want to believe because you love so strongly. But deep inside you know something is wrong.

Except for his computer and a few clothes my ex still got ALL of his stuff here at my house. His mail (and I know that the insurance stuff is invoices) still comes here, but he hasn't picked it up since we last met - wow! - a month ago. He has even subscribed to a newspaper which comes here now. I put his stuff in boxes and in a room which I don't use at the moment except for storage. I won't throw it away either, but I still wonder what kind of person wouldn't even want to have their stuff nor pick up their mail?

I wouldn't want him back either, he is like a leaf in the wind, adjusting himself, his manners, his language, his behavior, his eating and drinking habits as well as his driving style etc. to the people he is just being with at the time: I, however, want a man with a steady personality who knows what he wants - and that's simply not him.

Well, we know what we want and what we don't want, now we just have to hang in there and stay strong

Love & light
Kyeema

[antinko]

Thanks Kyeema, I really needed to read that. Your post really helped.

I am angry and upset that my ex didn't turn out to be the one I thought she'd be, but I can't truly feel terrible things about her. I tried to feel like I pitied her, but neither can I feel that. I don't know what it is, but I just loved her and still do. I know she found that fact scary and couldn't handle it, but it's true. I can't just turn my feelings off, but I respect her decision. It hurts so much inside to accept it, but I do hope she finds happiness.

[antinko]

Kyeema, do you currently have contact with your ex? I've been struggling not to contact mine, but have managed it so far this week. I'm really trying not to contact her at all, but it's so hard.

I know no contact is the best thing for now.

[Kyeema]

No, I don't have contact with him. I talked to him on the phone a week ago and it destroyed me, because he blamed me for everything (I think I posted the details in my thread if you're interested), what he said was so far off reality (but still it is HIS reality, he really believes in what he says, that's even more shocking - oh and I checked back with my friends about the "real reality" to make sure that I wasn't doing the same, I mean making up my own reality) and it hurt so incredibly much (and I could feel that it was hard for him too). It took me 3 or 4 days to recover and that's why I decided not to contact him for some time. Eventually, I fear, he will contact me, he will want to have his mail and stuff some day, but I feel the later this will be the better!

I also still love him and find this incredibly hard, but I finally do have to protect myself.

[antinko]

Well, I broke and contacted my ex. I just apologised through a message (didn't want to phone as she works shifts and didn't want to disturb) about if I seemed to smother her last week. Also said some other truthful things and left it at that. Oh I also said I could bring her stuff round, she could collect it or I could post it.

She asked me to post the belongings and was polite in her message but said she needed some space. Truth is, tbh, I need some space too.

I've come to the decision now that I don't want to hear from her. I don't think she understood me as a person and, despite always being 110% true and trustworthy to her, I don't think she does trust me. She said some things in that message which made me wonder...

Anyway, I'm not properly over her, but the ball's in her court now. If she ever wants to get to know me again, she's welcome to. After everything, I know I'd still want her back, but she's got to work out who she is first - whether she discovers she's the right person for me or not remains to be seen. I know I'll meet the right person some day. I just won't take things as quickly next time...

[LeHannes]

I have almost read to the end, will continue it when I have strength.
I am feeling basically myself in a similar condition.
(Is there anyway to "favourite" a thread in this forum?)

I am fighting myself very much with what you are writing. All the blame one is taking...
everything you say I can relate too a lot. It hurts knowing that others are going through the same thing
Though it feels a TINY bit better to know I am not alone in this and that I am not MAD to feel insanely badly mistreated.

[LeHannes]

I was in a long distance relationship.
We were "together" for about 1 and a half year. In the end she said she never really considered us to be together and that she never really had loved me.
In the beginning I was very good to stand my ground and stand up to her, over time it lessened and in the end basically nothing. She had threatened to leave me (and that was a reason why i didnt dare to stand up for myself as hard and good as i should have) and "dont you understand, i can just disappear from your life" and stuff like that.
Anyhow, it ended in beginning of February this year. During the autumn I had noticed her becoming more distant to me. Something which bothered me greatly. I kept asking if something was wrong...I recon I should have given her more space and such, and I should have just ignored her for a time. BUT, she said that everything was completely alright and that i had nothing to worry about.
I felt increasingly bad, had trouble to sleep and so on...I was worrying about her (and about us). I told her so, that it made me feel incredibly bad that she was so distant and at times really rude to me and insulting.
She was going on that, she wasnt rude at ALL and that she wouldnt apologize if she felt she shouldnt. She wasnt disrespecting me, because she was still talking to me...hence respecting me (in her eyes).

Anyway, time went by with no change. When we were chatting on msn she could just disappear for a whole day without saying anything and then saying she was with friends or something. She put a lot of blame on me, and when i expressed my worries (and tried to talk about stuff that was bothering me) she just said that i was bringing old stuff up (and since SHE was "done" with those...we shouldnt talk about them anymore. She just ran away from conversations). She said i was being childish and immature. But she would never (or could never?) say what it REALLY was. Just that. And that it was my fault.
She visited me during New Years ever and that was the most terrible time in my life (well....one of them. One other terrible time was when i visited her during the summer) she was just cold and bleh....distant. I gave her a silver necklace that i had designed myself and i got next to no reaction from her.
She had a lot of wishes that ooh she want to do this and that and she must visit this town because she NEEDS to shop there. And so on. I knew she was sad because she wouldnt be spending the New Year with her family or friends and I tried my best making her happy. She wouldn't even kiss me properly saying "it wasn't the right time" or something like that.
Anyway, all the time during autumn and such i put up with shit because i loved her so intensely deep. After this i was thinking and in beginning of February I asked her if she was interested in any way to continue our relationship. I asked for a straight yes/no because wasn't i worth THAT at least? She refused to give such an answer and just said something like "there are no relationship" and other stuff. But no straight answer.
It ended... and i didnt talk to her. Sometimes she was messaging me asking how i could give her up so easily and that i didnt love her for REAL because of this. Then she asked us to be friends, and i said at that time "i have to go, later" to which she promptly said "sorry, deleting you now. I wont have anyone talking to me like this".

Some weeks ago she asked me on a Facebook mail how i was. We talked a tiny bit, she always gave very short answers. And she said something about having dreamt a bad dream about me and wondered how i was.
I told her i missed her. And she said she just missed my family and my pets.
I suspected her of playing some kind of game so i wrote a long letter to her with every feeling and all the shit i had collected inside of me. Her answer was basically "no you are wrong, it is not like that" and nothing further. I wrote another mail saying how much of a bullshit letter her last one was and that she shouldn't keep lying to me (i was not gentle or especially nice in any of my letters....since she had NEVER thought of being that to me). Asking her why she couldnt tell me she had lost interest in me or why she had started thinking "how long will this last?" approximately 3 months (i could tell) before we broke up.
Especially since she didnt have any problem pointing out that EVERYTHING i did or said was negative, bad or wrong...

Haven't received any answer yet. She didn't congratulate me on my birthday either.
I am having an extremely hard time of letting go. I feel like you do, especially Antinko. I am thinking of just sending a short one and asking how she is, (if she is pissed) *heh*.
I dont know how to think since basically anything can happen with this girl. She DID sometimes ask for forgiveness and such stuff. She played those cards extremely well since i still am not sure how she will react in any situation (but the overwhelmingly majority of reactions have been bad).
I am talking with a counselor and working on raising my self-esteem, it wasnt good before i met this girl. And she knew it, but she managed to obliterate what little there was left. I know now that i was too much of a push-over and it feels as if i want a "rematch" so to speak. I just feel used and horrible and all that.
Sometimes i feel like i could go on and forget her. Other times i am having some kind of hope that we might get together again. And well....sometimes i just dont know. I have found that recent days my mood is changing extremely much.
One thing though, it felt EXTREMELY good to just get everything of my chest in my mail/s to her.
Sorry if I am filling your thread. I guess I am too just looking for a bit of emotional support. I'd be happy to give as well.
Cheers

[antinko]

I couldn't do a long distance relationship mate. I'm amazed you put up with it!

I've actually just deleted my Facebook account and erased her number from my phone. I'm not going to read into her message any more than I have to, but by changing her sec. settings on Facebook and saying 'I need space', and the shortness message...and the fact she signed off with her full name for the first time since I've known her...I reckon she has a new man, which means she lied to me a few days ago.

I don't know, maybe she simply does want the space, but I'm not so sure.

All I know, though, is that, despite feeling annoyed with her, I genuinely realise she isn't worth the hassle now. All I did was be a good boyfriend and, shock horror, I was devastated when she broke up with me and it's been taking a while to get over - well, screw it. Decent guys like me are few and far between, so if she wants to discard me, then that's her problem.

Why am I writing this? I'm writing it folks because it's not good enough to let yourself pine over these people. If they ditch you, for no other reason than they think they can get a better deal, then that's their problem.

LeHannes, I agree with you about getting things off your chest.

[LeHannes]

It is good to see that you are progressing at least.
Somedays i can think like that myself....but it does not take long before my mood changes again and i start to miss her a lot.
I was out for a walk after i wrote my post and immediately a LOAD of other stuff popped up in my mind.
She said i was different from the other guys she had met (and that she treated everyone uniquely, NICE to know that I was singled out for bitch-behaviour...). She have had a lot of experience and relationships before me (she is 4 years older than me, soon-to-be 27 whereas i in the writing moment am 23) but it appears as if every one of her earlier relationships ended with her boyfriend cheating on her.
I got to take a LOT of suspicion from her....also a lot of jealousy. Which was kinda cute....but when everything turned to hell and a lot of negativity PLUS jealousy...it wasnt so flattering anymore.
She always was saying things like "you are so young" bla bla bla, immature, childish, not experienced and so on. But in the end everything SHE accused me of being certainly applies to her. I was thinking (in my hunt for explanations and to ward of the feelings of everything being MY fault) that she might be extremely narcissistic.
Still pondering a bit though if i should contact her, just message and ask how it is.

Thank you, well....it IS amazing what really intense love can put up with.
Good that you are moving forwards!

[Kyeema]

I agree, LeHannes, it's amazing what really intense love can put up with... and shocking too. I, too, am cleaning up the emotional and material mess my ex hast left behind after 8 years of relationship in which I gave him everything I had and was. And now I come to think more and more that somehow it would be best to learn to give that kind of intense love to myself so for once my own life can be amazing. Just still wondering how to do that ;o)

I also wonder why it seems to be that always the good guys get the bitches and the good girls the bad boys and get hurt, betrayed and finally ditched for nothing. It just doesn't seem fair.

But in the end I think it's their loss, not ours... the longer my ex and I are apart, the clearer I see all the things which I put up with simply because I loved him so much, but which in truth were just unbearable to live with und so disrespectful of him although he could have easily changed them (you know things like paying his bills, throwing away trash, keeping his word, not lying etc.).

I want to believe that there is still hope that some day we'll meet somebody who sees how amazing we really are, how much we have to give and and who loves us truly for who we are!

[LeHannes]

Yes indeed shocking!!
I have followed your posts on this forum regarding your ex, it really seems so terrible I feel for you :/
How long has it been since it "finished" for you? I am also (but very SLOWLY, mind you) coming to the conclusion that the most important person that needs so much intense love and care is myself.
I am also in the "no-clue" stage at the moment :S
Indeed, I thought that FINALLY after a life not filled with easiness. Major obstacles both at home and well, basically wherever I have gone...I thought that finally it was MY turn. My turn to be loved and reap the growth of what i have sown no matter how hard it has been to make it grow.
I really was happy (there is a good word in Swedish for this "Lycklig". It means basically the same as happy but it is stronger and more deeper) and then everything just...meh. I especially dislike the extreme dishonesty that has been going on
Sometimes I wonder what it is in me that tempts such people to contact me. Is it some kind of innocence, naivety, stability, weakness, a-chance-to-use-me ?? I am going to find out and rectify those signals or whatever it is that i am sending out. Also...I usually have a very GOOD gut-feeling about people. It is very seldom that it is lying (f a gut can lie?).
Thing is....i am TOO nice to say NO to a person...I always am giving them a second chance to prove themselves...even if i instinctively feel that they are not good (for me).
Yes it IS their loss (i just have to write it in stone for myself). I do wish they would realize that and come back someday. And yea, such small easily changeable things. After my ex coming home from a hard day at work, I only needed a "Hey, I am so tired after work so can't talk right now. Hug" or something similar...instead of just "Hey" and then nothing more (followed by how immature, insensitive and "how-can-you-not-see?" statements) for the whole evening.

That hope I am also holding on to (but right now it is a bit directed at my ex...), in the future i am definitely going to be more careful with what i am giving...and to whom.

[abdou1980]

i understand you and i feel the same way you feel.me too, my girlfriend broke my heart.the mistake we did is that we gave love to those who dnt desrve it

[LeHannes]

It is however damnation that (at least) I gave so much before noticing that.
And why don't they show their true colours in the beginning! Argh, so hard to spot otherwise.... :/