Sexual chats, occasionally with 16 year olds

[yellowbiz]

I'm not sure about the legality of the situation because I don't think it's illegal to TALK to people, regardless of their age or the topic you're talking about. But who knows, there are plenty of silly laws out there.

I also don't see a *huge* issue with him talking about that sort of stuff with people, be it guys or girls. To me it's not in any way different than watching porn. And if *you* think it's a problem you're the one with the issue(s).
Oh yeah, as long as he doesn't talk to the same girl every time !

There should be a level of trust between you two, if you're comfortable with that, so be it, if you're not, let him know.

This is purely my opinion of course, and I'm sure people will disagree.

[maxmax]

Your BFs behaviour is wrong on a number of levels ...

[qwertz]

Yes, you should show him this thread.

[maxmax]

I like it in ASCII

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[The Gent]

Pedobear approves of this thread.
Are you being serious? This guy is chatting sexually to 15 year old girls & you're on here asking us what to do about it?
Jeez. Tell him to piss off & steer well clear of this bozo.

[The Gent]

Maxmax, lmao. That's awesome.

[maxmax]

I also don't see a *huge* issue with him talking about that sort of stuff with people, be it guys or girls. To me it's not in any way different than watching porn. And if *you* think it's a problem you're the one with the issue(s).

Obivously we have different veiwpoints on this.

How anyone can think it's OK to be in chatrooms as an adult, having sexually explicit conversations with people who admit to being 16, and potentially under? This is not something that is not OK with me, and that I would hope that the average person would not be OK with.

To the OP:

The fact that your B/F feels the need to, and enjoys, entering chatrooms and having such conversations is of concern.

The fact that he when he realises someone is underage, and yet chooses not to exit the chat because they are 'turned on' is even more concerning.

The fact that you seem to be unsure about this is also worrying. In my opinion, this is not OK behaviour.

It shouldn't matter if the girl only just under 16 ... 15 is underage. Simple as that. Even then, 16 is way too young. He's is an adult, they are just girls in their mid-teens.

What kind of meaningful sexual conversation would you really expect them to be having? He is no doubt, and it seems he has admitted, doing it for sexual gratification.

Your boyfriend is on a murky and unsavoury path.

If I discovered any of my friends did that same, I would have some serious misgivings about their character.

[Anna25]

Thank you for your responses. At this point, as previously mentioned, he has already made steps to prevent it from happening again and has said that he will use better judgement in future. I need to decide what my next steps are because I have thought a lot about what has been said in this thread. In particular, responses such as these:

The OP is enabling her BF's perverted behaviour and should just kick him in the nuts and dump him

Pedobear approves of this thread.
Are you being serious? This guy is chatting sexually to 15 year old girls & you're on here asking us what to do about it?
Jeez. Tell him to piss off & steer well clear of this bozo.

I don't understand these responses at all. If it is the general consensus that he is a threat to society I won't just dump him. I will report him. How could you advise me any less if you seriously believe him to be a pedophile or sexual predator? In one breath you call him a pedophile and in the next breath you advise me to do nothing. Are you serious? Which is it? Predator, or you find it unsavory and he should have known better.

As I see it, either:
A) He is a pervert, a predator who is a danger to young girls and targets them. In this case, he needs to be reported, not just dumped.
or,
B) He did not use proper judgement and will from now on. He goes into many chats (that is a given and I do not judge him for it) and some develop sexually. Most don't. Of those that developed sexually, in some of them he found out at a later point that the person was 15 or 16. At this point, he did not exit as he should have because he did not see them as children. 16 year olds today know more than I probably ever will sexually. That does not make it ok and he has the responsibility as the adult. However, it does not make him a pervert or sexual predator.

He has put an end to it. Has made steps on the chat to prevent it from happening again. I do trust him when he says he will not be doing this any further. The question remains: Is it A or B?

Reporting him will potentially ruin his life. I want to know if you are serious in your accusations or have become emotionally caught up in a witchhunt which is easy against someone you don't know. To you, I am another random poster but I ask you to stop and think about this as a real person. I have known this man for over three years, we have been together for 2 1/2. He has never given me reason to doubt his morality on questions such as this, I feel I know him and he isn't that person. He wouldn't take a gift he felt was a bribe, he doesn't cheat and can't stand cheaters, doesn't steal and in general is a moral human being. He's no Mother Theresa but he has never given me reason to question his character on such a deep level and I generally consider myself a good judge of character. However, I know I am fallible and not objective in this case which is why I am here.

If there is a general concensus that he is dangerous and needs to be reported, I will seek professional advice on this matter and if they advise me the same, I WILL DO SO. Its easy to sit behind a computer screen and toss out accusations based on a few select words, I am asking now for real: Is he a threat that needs to be reported?

[lahnnabell]

Of course we're emotionally invested. Some people on here have kids who are potential targets for online predators. It doesn't make anyone feel good that you've been enabling this type of behavior for some time now. We only hope that if you find out the worst, you'll do the right thing and stop protecting your boyfriend.

[Incognito]

I think that allowing your boyfriend to have sexual conversations with other people online shows a lack of self respect and self worth on your part (whether you want to admit it or not).

I thought about what you said here. I will probably think about this for a long time. This may be a valid point but I need to think about it some more. The thing is, when I think about him chatting with others (over 18, naturally) it really doesn't bother me. I'm not thrilled and I don't want details, anymore than I care to know what porn he watches. But I genuinely don't recall feeling hurt or cheated upon or not good enough because he likes to chat sometimes with others. I only become uncomfortable about it when I hear reactions like yours, saying I should be upset with him and there's something wrong with me because I'm not. It used to be that porn was this huge taboo too. Am I supposed to not allow this in my relationship because most relationships don't? Because posters like you tell me I'm weak for not feeling as hurt as they would. If I'm genuinely not hurt and others aren't, is it really wrong?

Chatting online is not in and of itself a problem for most couples. If he is chatting sexually with other people online it is a problem and most people would have a problem with it. It wouldn't be much different than him having sexually charged conversations with women at work and getting really turned on. Would you be cool with that? I'd hope not because not only does it show a lack of respect for you on his part, but points to a lack of self respect on your part if you were cool with it. [My] reaction isn't what should make you upset. Any action on his part that shows that he is disrespectful and not devoted to you should. For the record I didn't tell you were weak either, especially since my aim is not to insult you. I just gave you a dose of needed truth since you obviously were overlooking it.

Unlike most people here I believe if you have a good relationship, that your boyfriends chats don't mean that much and you are not lacking self-respect. As long as he is open about it and sticks with chatting, it is harmless fun - in my eyes. However, he needs to be VERY careful not to chat with minor-aged girls. Not so much because it is perverted. I mean most 16 year old girls are not little children anymore, they like to explore their fantasies and I believe most can make a difference between this and the real world. It is not like he is thirty years older and a dirty old man. But also girls in that age like to fall in love and get attached, this can be a problem. It could cause damage. In that sense he has a responsibility because he is older. It is good advice that he stays away from them.

And the legal side of course, as already said.

I so wanted to insult you because I seriously disagree with your opinion and I think your thinking is flawed, but I won't because this is a public forum where everyone is entitled to their opinion. The bottom line though is that there is a difference between simply chatting about common topics and discussing people's sexual preferences, experiences and other sexual matters/situations just to get turned on. The latter is not ok in a healthy relationship.

[Incognito]

Thank you for your responses. At this point, as previously mentioned, he has already made steps to prevent it from happening again and has said that he will use better judgement in future. I need to decide what my next steps are because I have thought a lot about what has been said in this thread. In particular, responses such as these:

The OP is enabling her BF's perverted behaviour and should just kick him in the nuts and dump him

Pedobear approves of this thread.
Are you being serious? This guy is chatting sexually to 15 year old girls & you're on here asking us what to do about it?
Jeez. Tell him to piss off & steer well clear of this bozo.

I don't understand these responses at all. If it is the general consensus that he is a threat to society I won't just dump him. I will report him. How could you advise me any less if you seriously believe him to be a pedophile or sexual predator? In one breath you call him a pedophile and in the next breath you advise me to do nothing. Are you serious? Which is it? Predator, or you find it unsavory and he should have known better.

As I see it, either:
A) He is a pervert, a predator who is a danger to young girls and targets them. In this case, he needs to be reported, not just dumped.
or,
B) He did not use proper judgement and will from now on. He goes into many chats (that is a given and I do not judge him for it) and some develop sexually. Most don't. Of those that developed sexually, in some of them he found out at a later point that the person was 15 or 16. At this point, he did not exit as he should have because he did not see them as children. 16 year olds today know more than I probably ever will sexually. That does not make it ok and he has the responsibility as the adult. However, it does not make him a pervert or sexual predator.

He has put an end to it. Has made steps on the chat to prevent it from happening again. I do trust him when he says he will not be doing this any further. The question remains: Is it A or B?

Reporting him will potentially ruin his life. I want to know if you are serious in your accusations or have become emotionally caught up in a witchhunt which is easy against someone you don't know. To you, I am another random poster but I ask you to stop and think about this as a real person. I have known this man for over three years, we have been together for 2 1/2. He has never given me reason to doubt his morality on questions such as this, I feel I know him and he isn't that person. He wouldn't take a gift he felt was a bribe, he doesn't cheat and can't stand cheaters, doesn't steal and in general is a moral human being. He's no Mother Theresa but he has never given me reason to question his character on such a deep level and I generally consider myself a good judge of character. However, I know I am fallible and not objective in this case which is why I am here.

If there is a general concensus that he is dangerous and needs to be reported, I will seek professional advice on this matter and if they advise me the same, I WILL DO SO. Its easy to sit behind a computer screen and toss out accusations based on a few select words, I am asking now for real: Is he a threat that needs to be reported?

I find it puzzling that you are asking us here to make decisions about every aspect of this problem and explaining what seems very simple (to me anyway). The pedophile comments were made for obvious reasons. His behavior does fit into that category, but he hasn't actually committed an act with a minor yet (that you know of). That is why those comments were made. Also they weren't telling you to dump him but not report him. They were saying that you should definitely NOT have a relationship with him no matter what else you do.

The blue highlighted sentences really make me wonder "did she really ask that?". The fact that he willingly continued sexual conversations with minors simply because he was already turned on is predatory, and he definitely knew better (he's 26 remember?). Once he knows that a girl is 16, 15, 14 whatever he should no longer be turned on by sexual conversation with them, yet he is and continues the conversation. That is no different that having the entire conversation while already knowing the girl is a minor. See? There is no excuse for that.

All of the "good" in him that you speak of doesn't somehow mean that he is incapable of being a pedophile/predator. They are considered to be the worst of people in society (even among criminals themselves) and go to great lengths to conceal what they do. Did he admit to these conversations? Apparently he did, but through what you tell us it also seems that he really downplayed the frequency. He probably was not totally truthful about what his [under]age limit is. If he is always in chat rooms chances are that this happens more often than he says. Its also possible that he has indeed been seeking out younger girls to have sexual conversations with but said that he finds out "after the fact" to gauge your reaction. This whole situation stinks more and more the further you dissect it.

No one here can tell you whether to report him or not based on his current actions because of the ramifications, but you need to really figure out what else (if anything) this guy is into. What if you find child pornography? That is a possibility since he knowingly continues to get turned on during sexual conversations after finding out that a girl is a minor. If that is the case you DO need to report it.

[devonbrown]

OP, you said, regarding your boyfriend's chats:

(FYI, to my understanding the chats weren't "what are you wearing" they were more along the lines of a conversation that led to "what kind of sexual experiences have you had". Which is something he asks more out of interest and curiosity in most of his chats).

I think the question you need to be asking is why does he ask this type of question with people he is chatting to online? Why does he have this interest and curiosity in other people's sex lives? Is he looking for ideas to try? Does he have a voyeuristic nature? Is he sexually immature and trying to define himself? Basically, why does he care what other people have done in their lives?
And don't assume you know the answers. I would suggest asking him and making him think about why. I think the answers might help you move forward with or without him.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Where the hell do these people come from? Where the hell is the common sense and moral values? 26 yr old man, sexual content chats with minors = loser creepo pervert. GF who allows this behaviour as long as there is no web cam = idiot.

[oldskool83]

time to cancel the internet. who uses chatrooms anyway these days...this entire thread is wack

[Anna25]

Thank you for your time and input. lahnnabell, Incognito and others that have expressed concern about what I would do if I discovered he had met with someone underage - I would report him without a second thought. I give you my word on that. Though you don't know me, it is all I have to give you. I assure you if I ever discovered actual meetings or something like child pornography, I wouldn't be opening a post I would call the police. That is a clear cut situation to me.

I very firmly believe that is not the case here. I had to use my own judgement in addition to your responses, what I know of him and these chats. He has been very open about them in our relationship and was willing to share whatever I wished to know.

He is certainly not interested in children, I don't believe for a second he's a pedophile (i.e.can be aroused by girls under 15). However, not leaving chats with 16 year olds was a red line that should never have been crossed. You can throw this out of hand if you wish, but he has been in these chats since he was 15. He has always pretty much carried them on in the same way and did not feel the passage of time, that he is now at an age where he needs to be more responsible and it is inappropriate to talk to the same people he used to.

As previously mentioned, he has agreed that it was wrong of him to not leave those chats, will use better judgement in future and will no longer chat with underage girls. Once really thinking it over, he said it was good I pointed it out to him and made him aware.

I have shared with him your comments as well. As for my future steps, in regards to the relationship and if I should take any further action with him, I am thinking of seeking advice from a professional who can speak to me face to face and have more details, to cement my final decision. Thank you all for your candor.