Boundaries

[nubiangirl]

okay I get your point YGG , he usually is the one who threatens to leave if I say anything about a boundary..

[nubiangirl]

Yep it is control. I think you should read my post again about setting boundaries and what control and manipulation is.

A boundary is: IF YOU (statement) then I WILL (statement) and following through with it.

Example of a boundary in your case: IF YOU keep on flirting with other women I WILL leave you.

Example of what you are saying (or wanting to do): Stop being involved with these women because I don't want to feel crappy.

That's control, you are trying to prevent yourself from being hurt or feeling crappy.



With boundaries, you FOLLOW THROUGH with what you state when the line is being crossed, meaning, if he doesn't stop his behaviour, you leave him.

In other words.. IF you set a boundary, there is a condition attached to it.

So again.. you're trying to manipulate not setting a boundary, and if you can't see that.. oh well, that's your problem.

Also when we do discuss things that bother me , he makes me feel like Im emotionally abusing him by mentioning boundaries, so I end up feeling the blame..

[IndiReloaded]

okay I get your point YGG , he usually is the one who threatens to leave if I say anything about a boundary..

Well, that's also manipulation. Basically, the difference is that with a boundary, you basically state the conditions under which you will respond a certain way. Ideally, this is stated matter-of-factly and with an explanation why you feel this is reasonable.

Then, it becomes the other person's *choice* to do what they want (or not). That's all you can ever expect in a relationship, really. Which is why I said you may just decide eventually your expectations are just too different for the hassle of all this negotiating. But, you have a child so obviously you are prepared to deal with a bit more than someone who is just dating.

Good luck.

[Yggdrasil]

okay I get your point YGG , he usually is the one who threatens to leave if I say anything about a boundary..

It's not 'my' point. A lot of people don't understand properly the difference between a boundary and control.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation or control although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate or control.

The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome, when we try to manipulate or control, we are trying to influence the outcome.

Some people never understand the difference between the two.

IndiReloaded has it down. (congrats).

[Mish]

okay I get your point YGG , he usually is the one who threatens to leave if I say anything about a boundary..

It sounds like you are in a relationship where you need him more than he needs you.

[nubiangirl]

It's not 'my' point. A lot of people don't understand properly the difference between a boundary and control.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation or control although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate or control.

The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome, when we try to manipulate or control, we are trying to influence the outcome.

Some people never understand the difference between the two.

IndiReloaded has it down. (congrats).

I stated earlier that I get it..

And yes Indie was right about him threatening to leave as manipulation as well.

[nubiangirl]

I agree Mishanya, it seems that way to me as well, but he claims he wants us to work..Not sure what to believe..