Family Matters.

[Rosebud]

OK I don't want you guys to think I'm blaming myself for my father being the way he is or for the fact I can't change him.

I have stated I accept who he is but I don't like it. The only battle I have is this: I have been the adult in our relationship since I can remember..I initiated phone calls, visits and so on because I never heard anything form him. I have always been the one to make the effort which has pushed me further and further into a hole because then I feel as though I'm nothing and not worth shit because my own father won't acknowledge me. Again I know this is him not me! But if you guys ahve noticed I'm not the type to give up on anything.

I know our relationship is what it is and I cannot change anything about it. what I have to be at ease with is that I did everything I could to at least try to have some kind of bond or some good out of all of this so I don't feel guilty for not trying hard enough after he has passed. I know what he did was wrong, and I have a lot of issues with all that. But I'm not like him and I refuse to ever do that to soemone else. This is what I fight with inside myself all the time!

Edit: I should also mention this family (his side) since I was about 3 has instilled guilt in mind for everything I have done. whether it be good or bad they have turned everything on me and would make me feel bad. This is not something one just get's out of their head that easy. I feel guilty over the smallest things and have whenever it comes to them.

[Mish]

You're putting way too much pressure on yourself over this. You dont need to inititate anything. You don't need your fathers approval to have high self esteem and selfworth. You can't change him, so just give up, this fight isn't yours to win. Sometimes distancing is the best thing you can ever do for yourself...

You need to reeeeeellex girl. ...Or better yet someone to reeeeeeellex you

(I'm listening to ALice Cooper, BEd of NAils - Ouuuur Looove Is a BEd of NAils)

[whaywardj]

I eventually had to accept that I did not and would not ever have a father OR a mother in any but a biological sense. Had sufficient cause to severe contact with my father by the time I was 19. Didn't have any contact with him whatsoever until just before his death when I was 38...when I had sufficient cause to severe contact with my mother. Except for a brief visit from her when I was hospitalized with cancer at 43, haven't any contact at all with her since. Don't even know if she's still alive. In a couple of weeks, I'll be having my 56th birthday.

While we are strongly admonished all our lives to honor our mothers and fathers, nowhere is it written we must also love them. Or continue having anything at all to do with them if they persist in doing damage to us or to those we do love.

[Lloyd95]

I eventually had to accept that I did not and would not ever have a father OR a mother in any but a biological sense. Had sufficient cause to severe contact with my father by the time I was 19. Didn't have any contact with him whatsoever until just before his death when I was 38...when I had sufficient cause to severe contact with my mother. Except for a brief visit from her when I was hospitalized with cancer at 43, haven't any contact at all with her since. Don't even know if she's still alive. In a couple of weeks, I'll be having my 56th birthday.

While we are strongly admonished all our lives to honor our mothers and fathers, nowhere is it written we must also love them. Or continue having anything at all to do with them if they persist in doing damage to us or to those we do love.

That's sad, actually.

[whaywardj]

Yep. Took a couple of decades for me to get through and, finally, set aside.

[Mish]

Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

[RSK]

Rosebud, I read your post. And as I was reading this thread, I was thinking what I could post. Well, here it is.

Different people have different circumstances in life. Well, duh! You can be the richest man in the World, and still be unhappy. Or you can be the poorest person, and be the happiest.

It's not the situations that define who you are as a person. But, it's how you 'act' in those situations that's important.

Martin Luther King once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy".

Rosebud, you are definately a person to be admired and respected for what you are going through. And also, with how you are dealing with your stress.

People like you, always come out on top. You will find a way.

[Tone]

Martin Luther King once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy".

That's been my favorite quote ever since I first heard it when I was 12-13 years old.

[misombra]

aw roseb, don't sweat it. your dad is not you. you don't have to be like him if you simply don't want to be. i know how messed up this can be there is some "shame" in my family too. i don't think any family is without it. you'll get through it though, it'll just be hard for a little while, until it's not worth dwelling on it anymore.

[Rosebud]

I thank everyone for your kind words on this subject. And RSK, it means a lot for you to say those things to me, it is very much so, taken to my heart.

Mish, I really don't think you understand what I'm trying to say in all of this. I don't want my father's approval for anything nor do I care what he thinks of what I need to do for myself.

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. I have handled several HARD things that came accross my path in my 25 years, but I have to say being able to be the person I am and accept things the way they are with my father and being the better person throughout has been the hardest. It's very simple for people to SAY they really don't care but when you have actually accomplished that in your heart and mind it takes quite a bit and I feel very satisfied with myself for doing so.

I do get upset from time to time upon looking in my past and seeing all the things that have been done unto me from people who were supposed to be there for me, but it makes me the smart, strong individual I am today which I couldn't be more proud of. I may sound a little narcissistic about all this but it's how I handle regrets and "what could have been's".

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I think at times I just need to vent. So thank you guys again for listening to me and being so understanding through all this. You guys really are the best....

[Mish]

Mish, I really don't think you understand what I'm trying to say in all of this. I don't want my father's approval for anything nor do I care what he thinks of what I need to do for myself.

You are NOT? Are you SURE???

What do you want from him? Come to you and say "Thank you for all the time you have invested in me, it means a lot to me that my daughter initiated all the contact and always stayed in touch with me even when I was a complete d-i-c-k. From now on, I am a changed person and all thanks to you, my daughter. I am grateful for all the things you have done for me and I am and will always be proud of you."

Something like that, yeah?

You know... Maybe it will help if you write down here all the things you want to hear from him that will make you cease your frustration...

[Rosebud]

NO. I don't and yes I'm sure! I read what you wrote on friday and it made me upset when I read it...I thought about it all weekend long.. I honestly don't want to rekindle anything with him. I don't give 2 shits what he thinks of me or how sorry or not sorry he is. It makes me very angry when people assume they know how one feels when they really don't. Please don't take that the wrong way but the factor that your telling me I want something that I don't makes me very uneasy! Especially about this. I'm very happy with the way I look at all this and I'm proud of how far I have come. And for you to say all this really bothers me because I ahve worked so hard for that not to be the case, and I have accomplished that.

I'm past the point of wanting anything from him, especially his approval in anything in my life. AS I HAVE ALREADY STATED ALL THIS IS FOR ME NOT ANYONE ELSE!

Edit: If he were to say that to me I would tell him too little too late or I would stop him before he even started. I don't want to hear it nor do I care how HE feels about any of this. Please read my above post again... I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM.

[Mish]

It's very interesting that you say you don't want anything from him, because earlier you wrote:

too be honest the reason i try to mend is to be able to have a good memory to remind me of him. All I have are bad ones.. I just want one memory of a good time so i don't ahve all this on my shoulders for the rest of my life.

AND

The only battle I have is this: I have been the adult in our relationship since I can remember..I initiated phone calls, visits and so on because I never heard anything form him. I have always been the one to make the effort which has pushed me further and further into a hole because then I feel as though I'm nothing and not worth shit because my own father won't acknowledge me. Again I know this is him not me! But if you guys ahve noticed I'm not the type to give up on anything.

You want something. Good memories, some recognition. It's understandable. It's very human to want those things...

Now be a good girl and stop arguing with me

[Rosebud]

No Mish... your misunderstanding my point! first off I'm mending things in my mind. I have a lot of anger and aggression towards him due to all these things. I want a memory of me knowing I did everything I could to be satisfied with myself for the way I handled everything up to the point he dies. Not that I want to mend a relationship or have anything with him. The memory I want is accomplishment of myself for how I have handled everything so I don't have any regrets.

And again on the second note, are my feelings of what has happened. How I ahve felt about things have happened throughout the years. In no way did I say I want apporval from him because he made me feel this way. But again If you remember I wrote it's made me who I am today which i'm very satisfied with.

And no I will not stop arguing with you on this because it's about me and how I feel and your wrong!!!!!!!!!!! Completely wrong! Your actually upsetting me quite a bit because I know that's not how I feel.

[whaywardj]

Maybe [URL=http://24.73.176.86./rosebuds.mp3]this[/URL] will help a little, Rosebud.