High school sweetheart relationship of 4 years ended, having difficulty moving on...

[lolerskates]

Also put these thoughts of suicide out of your mind. Look up the 5stages of grief. You will get through this, you will smile again, laugh again, love again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Dont give up in your ambitions-you need to do whats best for you now or you will regret it one day.

Seek counselling if you still feel this bad in 6months time. Look after yourself and stay strong. Your ex has a lot of issues and she needs to overcome them on her own. Until she deals with everything herself-noone will make her happy. You are not responsible for her

I've never attempted suicide nor do I have the capability to attempt it, but it's where my mind has been wandering a lot lately. Suicide might cause a lot of people grief but who's to say that people won't grow from that grief and become inspired to better their own lives? I feel satisfied with the amount of life I lived, and I feel very lucky to have the opportunities I have. Despite this, life only has so much to offer. Even if you better your own life to the point that you like, we live in a world and society of misfortune and mundaness. I can't help but feel the daily grind associated with life is superficial. I feel like my connection with most people in general is superficial. Living in Seattle (a populated and growing city), there's no shortage of people. Yet there is a shortage of people that I meet on a daily basis that inspire me. You know, people that I can make a substantial connection with. It's not anybody's fault. Even though I spend the vast majority of my time with other people (family, little brother, couple of close friends) and come into contact with dozens of other people on a daily basis - I feel extremely alone.

To tie this back into the thread, I know why the relationship at its very core didn't work. B and I were very different people with different values. My interest in her only grew because she appeared to take genuine interest in me (for awhile). But it's extremely rare that I encounter women that I do have any amount of genuine interest in. And when I do meet one, they are always in a different situation than I. This is something that I can't fix and I find difficult to cope with. Am I taking the idea of a relationship too seriously? Is this "all or none" mentality too much?

[smackie9]

Sorry but you just have to know when to let go. If it's not working it's not working. That is what dating is all about, you go through relationships with different people to gain the experience of what works, what doesn't work, and what you are looking for. We have all done it. relationships will come and go, this one ends and so will the next until you find what you have been looking for....settling for less is just a death trap.

[michelle23]

Its normal to feel alone after a break up-like noone understands. You just have to feel the pain first so you can heal. It will take time but you will be fine.

You were young when you met B and you still have so much time to meet skmeone else that you truly connect with. There are billions of people in the world and thousands or even millions that you could be compatable with.

You wilk grow and learn from this experience and it wilk help you avoid making the same mistakes next time. The relationship was unhealthy but the next could be amazing.

[lolerskates]

Thanks, I appreciate the advice and support. From when I first made this thread I certainly feel a lot better. With each passing day I'm realizing the true hindrance of the relationship and how I can use that extra time and freedom to my benefit. The amount of time I spend dwelling on it seems to be getting less and less. The only thing I find difficult is to not dwell when I'm falling asleep. It's as if each night I'm playing a game with my mind (challenging myself to not think about it) and I fail each night.

[michelle23]

It will get easier in time. Get the book-the 5stages of grief. It will help you

[smackie9]

Thanks, I appreciate the advice and support. From when I first made this thread I certainly feel a lot better. With each passing day I'm realizing the true hindrance of the relationship and how I can use that extra time and freedom to my benefit. The amount of time I spend dwelling on it seems to be getting less and less. The only thing I find difficult is to not dwell when I'm falling asleep. It's as if each night I'm playing a game with my mind (challenging myself to not think about it) and I fail each night.

You are just going through the initial adjusting period. Everyday it gets a little better and before you know it, you will realize you are not thinking about them as much, and a weight is lifted off your shoulders. It is a good feeling, you will see Most start to feel much better after a month. So keep it up, keep busy, and you will get through this np

[lolerskates]

Well, I managed to go about a couple weeks without contacting her. She messages me in the middle of the night, just a little bit ago, and says that she realizes she's made a mistake and gave me the "I really want to make it up to you, I realize we were meant to grow together" schtick. If you've been paying close attention to this thread, this isn't the first time this happened. She came back to me before a week after the breakup and we got back together, only for it to fall back apart shortly after an argument (started by me, I felt that she was acting really weird). And of course she came with me to the party and there was a lot of drama there.

I didn't think twice about it, accepted her apology, and said I still loved her and would make things work. Obviously I'm really conflicted about this. Part of me is telling me that this is wrong, and that I'm holding onto something that isn't worthwhile. Essentially I'm worried I'm going be facing a sense social estrangement again, especially after having so many negative things to say about her. But another part of me really wants to make it work, because I really do love this woman, even though she has caused me a great deal of pain in the past few weeks. Perhaps time apart is what the relationship called for. It definitely brought a lot of things into perspective for me. Perhaps I still even need more time myself. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I want to re-approach this situation with B with optimism, but I can't help but feel I care a lot more about her than she cares about me. She claims she cares about me deeply, but her actions in the last month hardly reflect it.

I'm at the point where I'm having a hard time coming to grips with things. If I were to re-approach the relationship, I feel like at this point it deserves much less of my concern and attachment than I've been giving it. I don't want to set myself up for getting hurt again. Yet, at the same time, for this to actually work, this is going to require greater investment from me than I've already been putting. But it simply doesn't seem like a good idea. I'm in emotional suspension - I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. All I do know is that I feel the most depressed I've felt since the beginning of the break-up. Every one tells me to move on. But I still love her in a way that most people couldn't relate to, or understand. If I told her that I couldn't do it anymore, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself, because I promised to her that I'd always be there for her, and I feel for her enough that I feel obligated to honor that promise. She's never had anybody in her life that was always there for her, and I want to be that guy for her.

Am I bat**** crazy? Weak? Dumb? All the above? From all the advice I've been given, I can speculate that you all think that I'm not learning from my mistakes. I just feel like my relationship has certain circumstances that isn't easy to relate to. Being with her just makes sense to me. I feel like I understand her in a way that I feel absolutely nobody seems to, and that I care for her more than other people in her life claim to. In turn, she understands me in a way that nobody else seems to. Yet the danger of forgiving her mistakes creates an anxiety within me that I will be just as present when she's around as the hole in my heart that she'll leave when she's gone.

[michelle23]

It is your decision. For this to work-you both need to give 100% and aim to make each other happy. You need to discuss any past issues and try to avoid them or fix them. Counselling may do you both good and help you to move forward together.

Best of luck to you and B

[lolerskates]

It is your decision. For this to work-you both need to give 100% and aim to make each other happy. You need to discuss any past issues and try to avoid them or fix them. Counselling may do you both good and help you to move forward together.

Best of luck to you and B

Thank you. I've never experienced any form of counseling and maybe at some point I can convince B to do it. I have a question regarding boundaries - If B is adamant about having male friends, then I should have be able to have female friends, no? B's concern is that all of my past friend friendships ended up as a love interest in some way (which isn't actually true). She was always extremely confrontational with me when I was texting other women (asking specifically what the conversation is about, etc.), and would make me feel bad whenever I texted someone else. Yet I always gave her space when she was texting, and wouldn't pry. It's clear to me that us texting the opposite sex makes each other uncomfortable, is this normal? Is it bad if I text past females that were love interests (but are now just friends)? Obviously we have major trust issues in our relationship. I just need third-party advice.

[michelle23]

I personally think it is wrong to have opposite sex friends if in a relationship especially past interests, past flings or exes. There are lines that should not be crossed. I dont think its okay for her to be texting other men or you-other women. Also it is wrong for her to spend alone time with a male friend and vice versa. And neither of you shoul confide in others about problems in your relatioship with opposite sex friends.

Getting too close to others leads to confusion and its normally how affairs start. She cannot have double standards and should never put a male friend first if it upsets you.
All that needs to stop if your going to makea proper go of it.

If you dont trust her there is no point

[smackie9]

IMO there needs to be set bounderies. You can't restrict yourself or your so from talking to an ex, or opposite sex friend,etc....that is unrealistic. It all deends on what the both of you are comfortable with, and work out what is acceptable. It's just that simple....communication.

[michelle23]

I think its acceptable to hang out in groups or double dates etc and be friendly etc but never get too close or be best mates with a friend of the opposite sex.

It can lead to thinking "is the grass greener" and mess with your head.

[lolerskates]

IMO there needs to be set bounderies. You can't restrict yourself or your so from talking to an ex, or opposite sex friend,etc....that is unrealistic. It all deends on what the both of you are comfortable with, and work out what is acceptable. It's just that simple....communication.

At this point I feel like it's hard to communicate with her. She's talking to me as if we haven't been together for 4 years, but as if we're starting fresh or something. She said she wants to "ease into it", and it's kind of weird to put myself at a distance (I haven't told her I loved her, she hasn't said it back). Like I said, she's adamant about having male friends. She claims she doesn't get along with females like she does guys. Typing it out, it sounds like a bunch of horse-schlock, because she's not nearly as much of "one of the guys" as she'd like to make herself out to be.

I'm not going to put up with a double-standard though. I already made a lot of female friends while B was gone and many of them have made themselves more present towards me and supportive of me than B herself. I'm not going to cheat and I'm going to try to lay my boundaries out for people so they're perfectly clear. That way if she does decide to be dishonest, I won't be nearly as stranded as the first time I felt.

[michelle23]

Im not sure why your going back. B is insecure with low self esteem. She needs attention from men as it strokes her ego and makes her feel more attractive. I dont think you can trust her OP-im sorry.

The reason she doesnt like Other girls or want to be friends with them is also because shes insecure. She sees anyone prettier than her as a threat/competition. She is the type to specifically go for a taken man just to prove a point to herself. I know you dont want to hear this and your obviously not ready to let go but trust will always be a big issue with B.

It sounds like its her way or no way-she wont compromise at all. You are like a puppet and shes pulling the strings. I know you love this woman and dont want to give up without a fight but sometimes it hurts more in the long run to stay than it does to leave.

Also why dont you find male friends for yourself ? Why do you need lots of females around you? If you and B split up and you have all these female friends-it will most likely damage any future relationship. Most women will not want her man being best buds with a group of girls and there is always one OP that has a hidden agenda and will do everything in her power to get her claws into you or split you and your gf up.

Many women are sneaky and manipulative and they dont play fair when it comes to men especially if they convince themselvs they are a better match for you than your current gf..

Remember that. I know lots of women who look like little angels who wouldnt hurt a fly but beauty can be deceptive.

Im sure you already know there are men like that too

[lolerskates]

Im not sure why your going back. B is insecure with low self esteem. She needs attention from men as it strokes her ego and makes her feel more attractive. I dont think you can trust her OP-im sorry.

The reason she doesnt like Other girls or want to be friends with them is also because shes insecure. She sees anyone prettier than her as a threat/competition. She is the type to specifically go for a taken man just to prove a point to herself. I know you dont want to hear this and your obviously not ready to let go but trust will always be a big issue with B.

It sounds like its her way or no way-she wont compromise at all. You are like a puppet and shes pulling the strings. I know you love this woman and dont want to give up without a fight but sometimes it hurts more in the long run to stay than it does to leave.

Also why dont you find male friends for yourself ? Why do you need lots of females around you? If you and B split up and you have all these female friends-it will most likely damage any future relationship. Most women will not want her man being best buds with a group of girls and there is always one OP that has a hidden agenda and will do everything in her power to get her claws into you or split you and your gf up.

Many women are sneaky and manipulative and they dont play fair when it comes to men especially if they convince themselvs they are a better match for you than your current gf..

Remember that. I know lots of women who look like little angels who wouldnt hurt a fly but beauty can be deceptive.

Im sure you already know there are men like that too

I already have male friends, it just makes me more comfortable to have female ones as well. Interacting with guy friends is different than female friends. My guy friends seem far removed from reality while my female friends seem to take life more seriously. As far as manipulation goes, I feel most men are just as manipulative as most women, but I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

And I don't know why I'm going back to her. Even though she is insecure and seeks male attention, I love her a lot. I just can't help but feel like if I support her long enough, she'll grow out of it. I can't really say for sure, but I think it's unfair to assume someone can't change. Though I spent some time with her last night, and something she said really irked me. She asked if I spent any time with other girls while we were split up, and I told her that I did. She then asked me if I had sex with any of them, to which I said no. Then, in a really disappointed sounding tone, she says "So you didn't have sex at all while we were split up?". I wanted to say "Well, after a break up in a serious relationship it's not my inclination to **** half the town. Why do you ask, is that what you've been up to?". In reality, I told her I don't really want to know the details of what she was doing in the past few weeks.

Another thing I noticed too is that we went the majority of the day yesterday barely communicating with each other, and then at night, out of the blue, she asks if I "want to come over and cuddle". Seems like it's often that I only get to see her at bed time, but perhaps it's unfair for me to judge because she maintains a relatively busy schedule. At this point I'm just going to wait and see what happens I guess.