Having trouble accepting fiancée’s male friends

[1sxybtch]

i think you have to ask yourself why you'd be willing to be with her under these conditions? the fact that she doesn't seem to care about how you might feel about this should tell you all you need to know.

jealousy is a wasted emotion. either, someone is trustworthy and you need to trust them... or someone is not and you need to walk away. i think you already know what the answer is in this instance.

[bluesummer]

I realize that I have to give her leeway to, as you say ,"live by her own rules"..

Uh, but that doesn't mean let her do whatever she wants, including disrespect you and your relationship. If she wants to be with you, there's things she HAS to give up (ie dating other people)....there's no 'leeway' on the respect my friend.

We have no plans to marry before she is 25. It will be a long engagement.

Well what was the rush to get engaged in the first place? Engagements are harder to break off than dating relationships. You both should've waited a few years until you were closer to being ready to get married to make that commitment. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if this keeps up, you're not going to make it through your long engagement.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

I don't think we rushed into an engagement. This isn't a case where we were together a few months and decided to get hitched.

And, yes, an engagement is harder to break off than just dating. But, I think that's the point isn't it? It is one of the steps on the way to marriage and lifetime together. We both realize there are hurdles ahead of us. This is just a big one.

But we are off topic aren't we?

As for why she feels the need to meet these men. I think she explained it very well:

“Because I need a balance between not exposing our relationship to danger and meeting and communicating with new people. I'd like to enlarge my circle of encounters. I've been very careful not to expose us to harm. I've been cold and distrustful.”

She doesn't say that she wants friendship, or anything more than simply meeting and communicating with new people. Based on my knowledge of her, I know this to be true. But, there are so many risks in what she is doing.

The issue as I see it is that these men have a specific interest, and it's not to help her with her desires.

In some ways she is an innocent. An example of this is what she told me about this last fellow before she went out with him. She said "He says that the women he goes out with call him afterwards and he tells them that he isn't interested in a relationship right now". She took that to mean he was safe and only interested in talking. I think we know guys like him well enough to know what he said translates into "I give the girls a chance to go to bed with me. If they do then I don't ever call them again. If they don't, then I might give them one more shot." After all, he's a 37+ year old never-married guy going out with a 22 year old. You don't have to guess as to his intentions. It's pretty clear.

I still haven't decided how to approach this. I have a lot to think about.

[Junket]

I don't see this as a hurdle at all.

But a deal breaker.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

Yeah. If I looked at this as a third party I'd feel the same, I'm sure. Even as is I'm on the edge.

[carl1222]

If her only interest is in expanding her circle of friends, then why is it important that the guy be attractive for her to continue to pursue the friendship? That makes absolutely NO sense at all!

She's lying to you (and maybe herself) when she says she is protecting your relationship. She plans to cheat if she hasn't already ... that's the only reason why physical attraction would be important.

You're letting her date other men by giving in to her ultimatum. I hate to be blunt, but if the solution isn't already obvious to you, she's f**king other men (or will be very soon). The very fact that she's now changed the rules to include seeing men alone is an unmistakable indication that she has developed romantic feelings for this new guy.

Grow a set of b*lls and reject her ultimatum. She's right that she should be able to network with male friends, but if you think that means dating them, you're insane!

Don't give her an ultimatum, just tell her your reasonable expectations from a fiance. Say something like "I am not prepared to remain in a relationship with, let alone marry, someone who insists on dating other men on the side." If she leaves, so be it. It's her choice, not yours. But personally, I would just dump her.

Carl.

[hohol]

oh my god where are we men going
if you can't even tell her your opinion then your engagement means less than dating even a girlfriend wouldn't have the balls to do that if you are a man
it's cruel but men are becoming weaker and weaker

[bluesummer]

If her only interest is in expanding her circle of friends, then why is it important that the guy be attractive for her to continue to pursue the friendship? That makes absolutely NO sense at all!

See, I said it once, and now Carl has too.

You KNOW this isn't just about expanding her social circle, or there would be women involved too. Are you going to confront her about this? Because you NEED to.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. Are you just messing around? This simply CAN'T be real. It's too ridiculous.

[carl1222]

See, I said it once, and now Carl has too.

You KNOW this isn't just about expanding her social circle, or there would be women involved too. Are you going to confront her about this? Because you NEED to.

Sorry, Blue, I missed yours ... but it's a point worth repeating ... threepeating even

Carl.

[IndiReloaded]

Monkey theory. Do a search on this site. She is the monkey, you are the branch she's holding onto with her baby finger ONLY.

Good luck if you actually marry this person. You will have set the stage for the little minx to do whatever she likes in the marriage. I hope you are traditional muslim, b/c beating her is the only control you will ever have.

[confusedxxx]

This is such a crappy situation. Honestly I am a chick and if I am going to have a boyfriend yet go online and meet dudes (especially only good looking ones) that means I am still looking for the guy I really want. Dont Trust her!

You need to stop being so available to this person!!!!!

You need to start seeing other people as well and give her some of that medicine.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

Yes, I agree that men are becoming weaker and weaker. And in particular, this man. :-(

My fiancée and I have been talking about this issue since last Saturday, although she hasn't wanted to speak to me for the last few days. Not since I really confronted her on this issue.

We just spoke of this and one other topic for about three hours. A $90 phone call! Ack!

She talked about this with her best friend, before we talked today. Her friend said that it looks to her like my fiancée is always looking for new men to go out with. Basically, her friend said that she was in agreement with the impression that I have.

Her friend also said that when my fiancée and I are together, that my fiancée is happy and thrives. But, when we are apart, it is like there are holes in her. There is something missing from her. This is what I see also in her. When I am there with her everything is wonderful. More than wonderful, really. But, when we are apart she falls apart.

My fiancée feels that the impression she gives to people is wrong. That she has never approached a man to go out or talk and that the number of men she has been out with is quite small. Of course my opinion is that one date with a new man is too many. And, the usual case is that men approach women, and not so much the reverse. So to say that she doesn’t approach men isn’t saying much.

I have to add that in the beginning she did approach me initially. I don’t know if it means anything that she doesn’t do that with any other men.

She says that she is flattered by the attention she gets from these men. But, she says she is simply interested in them in the way a scientist is interested in studying an insect. (I’m paraphrasing here)

Her reaction to this issue has been exactly as I would expect. It was as though you dropped a cage on a tiger. It is very simple: either I accept her desire to go out alone with other men, or the relationship is over. For her, this is a deal breaker. It’s as simple as that. I have some understanding of why it is so important to her, but not specifically why it is so important.

I want to say why I am fighting this hard for this relationship and why I tolerate as much as I do. I can’t say that I am so experienced with relationships, but I have had enough to know what is truly great about this one. We have love, good sex (I want to say great :-)), friendship, fun, respect for each other (though you may debate this point), and most important of all, true intimacy. In all of these aspects, our relationship is like a dream. It is something I thought was impossible to achieve. And for that, I am willing to make a major sacrifice.

I wonder how much of this particular issue is that she falls apart when I am not with her. She struggles so much when I am away. In a way she is too dependent on me for her happiness.

It is a terrible thing, but I have no choice but to give in to her on her desire to be allowed to see other men, alone. It seems to me to be a recipe for disaster. But, I think it is a risk I must take.

Maybe she and I can come up with some boundaries that she feels won’t unreasonably restrict her, yet will ease my mind. But, whatever boundaries they are, they have to be such that they can’t be moved.

I realize now that the only way this relationship can continue is if I accept that I am in a type of open relationship.

[Gigabitch]

Marriage = Forsaking All Others, traditionally. If you're not going to have that relationship, why get married? IMO, an "open marriage" is a contradiction in terms.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

Don't get me wrong. All I'm agreeing to is her going out in a public place to talk with men. Anything romantic or sexual is still a no-no.

Being sure that is all that is happening is the problem. But, at least she is being up front about it. She could just as easily sneak around with someone she meets at work.