Is this "stonewalling"??

[bcgirl]

It always sucks when you need to break-up. You will get to a point where that material stuff like furniture etc. won't matter when it comes to your lifetime happiness. Life is too short to stick around just because of money you've invested in "stuff". Being independent is very important. I think your boyfriend may think you'll never actually leave because you are dependent on him for example the apartment. This is one way he has power over you. The biggest thing for me and why I stuck around my ex boyfriend was so long was because I feared the embarrassment from friends and family of breaking up. I had said nothing but put my ex on a pedestal when talking about him to friends and family. They never knew the real him and what went on behind closed doors. When i finally did break up with him....those fears of shame and embarrassment were just a huge figment of my imagination. Life went on and nobody cared about my break-up with him as much as my imagination had once put the fears in me. If your fear is losing your furniture....why not break up with him and call the police to escort you to the apartment so you can get all your belongings without him trying to stop you.

[pisces25]

So true BC. It was the same for me. My friends and family had NO idea what my guy was really like. I am sure they knew something was up though as I had lost 6kg in a few months coz of the stress.

Anyway SS back to your situ. At this point in time you are making the choice to stay with this guy. You need to examine WHY you are making that choice. I think if you examine your feelings close enough you will see your reasons are much deeper than coz of furniture or coz your families all get along so well. This is what I mean about abuse victims. Perhaps you do not feel you will find someone again? Perhaps as BC said you are embarrassed to go through the breakup? Maybe you are scared of being alone, or scared of his actions if you do leave? Maybe he has taken away your self-worth or self-esteem. It could be a combination of things. All the things you mention about not leaving are just excuses for staying. If you can, open up to a close friend or family member about what you are contemplating. It is much easier going through a break-up when you have support.

Or if you do want to stay with him, you have to tell him he needs to seek counselling to change his ways or you will be ending the relationship. The ball is in his court then. It will certainly show if he values you or not.

[SecretlySad]

I had said nothing but put my ex on a pedestal when talking about him to friends and family. They never knew the real him and what went on behind closed doors.

I’ve done this too. I made the mistake of discussing my past relationships too much with family and friends that I decided to just keep this one to myself. It just worries people too much if I tell them all the bad things. Especially when it comes to my family, I don’t want there to be any tension.

Perhaps you do not feel you will find someone again?

Maybe you are scared of being alone, or scared of his actions if you do leave?

I am scared of both of these things…

Maybe he has taken away your self-worth or self-esteem.

He has. I blamed myself for a long time but I am coming to see it’s not my fault. If there is something he doesn’t want me to do, instead of coming to me and talking about it, he will make me feel ashamed of myself. For example, a few years ago I told him I wanted to go to a dress up party as a 1950’s pin up girl. He told me if I was going to a party dressed basically as a prostitute, not even the cops would jump in if 5 guys were raping me. This of course made me feel like I was doing something very wrong. Stuff like that…

[pisces25]

Well the good thing is you recognise none of this is your fault. His behaviour sounds appalling. His behaviour is so typical of those that emotional abuse.

Perhaps you might find it beneficial to see a counsellor yourself, to work on getting your self-esteem back and put you in a stronger position to leave this man.

Don't ever think you will be alone or won't find someone again. He has made you feel like this, it is part of the manipulative behaviour and it is why people get stuck in the cycle of not being able to leave. Do some research on what emotional abusers do so you can see how his behaviour has influenced your feelings about yourself.

Furthermore by staying you are giving him signals that his behaviour is ok and reinforcing that you won't leave for the reasons stated. Thus he has no reason to change.

We are here to support you.

[bcgirl]

also to note....as much as he tells you he wants to change after he hurts you; He himself will never just stop over night. His cycle of abuse probably has started when he was a child. He may have been abused as a child, or he witnessed his father abusing his mother at home. The awful cycle of abuse seed has probably been planted in him long before he's met you. If he doesn't get help as in therapy, the likelihood of him changing his behaviour is nil.

[IndiReloaded]

Not exactly.

I live with him – at HIS house (a stupid lovestruck decision made by me many years ago).

Is he supporting you as well? Do you work?

Not that it excuses his behaviour, but I would find it very annoying to be with someone for so long who isn't self-sufficient, you know?

Assuming you do work, then you should make plans to get your own place asap.

[Gypsybell]

I wasted thirty years on a husband such as you are describing. They sulk! like self centred chidren when the world doesn't understand them, use biting sarcasm and really expect their opinions to be quite the only thing of importance, except they don't even enlarge on the plot. You are supposed to pick it up on monosylables. And total silence means YOU are really dumb because you're not worth explaining it to. At least that's how it feels, when in reality they are the ones too dumb to express themselves and yes, they resent you for pointing out any of their faults. Because they have a chip on their shoulder, other's just don't seem to understand that it's all about them. Their dreams, their goals, their house and you are supposed to be their woman, thus, 'chattell up' and don't try to make it about YOU! Stupid woman! he has enough on his plate without your tantrums! (sound familiar?)

But you make excuses for them, because when everything is going their way they are the life of the party and people who don't have to live with it, find their cutting humour funny or 'deep'. Their truth usually is that they are insecure and thin skinned, based on a lack of educated achievement, or too short sighted and stubborn to turn it around and actually learn a better way. Discounting councelling usually points to basic ignorance of communication skills, but I bet you get to find out what was up his nose when he relates 'your' faults to others in a 'fun' way at social gatherings. Oh, yes, they can be comedians allright, at your expence.

I hear you and my soul screams "JUST DO IT!" Get out of there! And it doesn't matter what you have to do to do it. Leave your stuff if it's too ugly to put up with his nasty side while you pack. It's just things. But if you can't bring yourself to part with them then you have to use your head and start thinking like an independant person. Stop considering what he wants or obeying his edits. (listen to yourself, you are even trying to figger out how to leave without 'upsetting' him). This bloke has you intimidated mentally and they, the sefish users, never change, whatever goes wrong will allways be YOUR fault. So ypou might as well give him something to really get the huffs over and just call it justice. The best way to avoid major unpleasantness is to wait til he's gone somewhere, preferably for a few days and just make a brutal clean sweep and tell him about it later.

Yes, he'll want to talk to you about it then, but just tell him it's too late and keep going. Once you have decided to leave then don't spend another night alone with him in the house. Have your plans made and do it as quickly as possible. You need to get others involved because you can't shift much on your own. Plus, if you must do it while he's there, he will behave better in front of a mutual friend or even a stranger. He's a a people pleaser on the outside, probably has a horror of you 'making a fuss'. certainly won't like you telling anyone else your troubles if it means showing him in a bad light. So just use his weak points to minimise the stress to yourself. It's time your life was about you. And if you leave while he's away, only leave him the briefest of notes (He's unlikely to get any long, heartfelt explanation, poor communicators are rarely good readers, that's half their problem, they never expose themselves to considering other points of view) Tit for tat, tell him you know how he hates details, so just go figger. It works for him, right? Sorry about this rave, It may not be helpful to you, but it did help me to get it off my chest. I had to start again with nothing after 30 years. Don't waste that much of your life being less than happy. If nothing else, get truly mad and let him have it, just stop being the patsy for all his faults. Good luck.

[beyou]

A relationship without communication is nothin. You want to be able to talk to your guy about anything. If you can't, then what's the point in being in a relationship? I know its not easy, but i suggest you find someone who is able to be there for you through thick and thin.

[SecretlySad]

We are here to support you.

Thank you. I appreciate that more than you know

Is he supporting you as well? Do you work?

Oh gosh no. I work and he doesn’t pay for anything for me. I pay my own way 100%.

he has enough on his plate without your tantrums! (sound familiar?)

All too!

But you make excuses for them, because when everything is going their way they are the life of the party and people who don't have to live with it, find their cutting humour funny or 'deep'.

Yep. Everybody LOVES him. They have no idea how different things can be behind closed doors.

Stop considering what he wants or obeying his edits. (listen to yourself, you are even trying to figger out how to leave without 'upsetting' him). This bloke has you intimidated mentally and they, the sefish users, never change, whatever goes wrong will allways be YOUR fault.

You’re right!

[MerryH]

Please understand that it is not as easy as "just" leaving. The man has some wonderful points too, and we have such a history together. My family adores him and I adore his family. There is a lot to let go of. I want to leave. Oh believe me I do. I dream of a life without him.

Wow... that's the first time I've ever said that out loud.

Read the bolded part over and over and don't stop until you decide that you're going to have the courage to leave him and do something good for yourself. You dream of a life without him. Saying that is a big step. It's great. Keep going on that forward trajectory.



And every person has positive aspects. Murderers, rapists, and pedophiles, as humans, have some positive aspects. That doesn't make the terrible things they do any less terrible or forgivable. You can't say, "Yeah, well, this guy is a serial killer, but he has some wonderful points too, and we have such a history together." I realize comparing him to a serial killer is an exaggeration, but the sentiment is the same. You can't just excuse or ignore glaring personality flaws because a person is sometimes nice.

Every time I look at all the stuff I have it makes me depressed at how long it will take to get out of there.

STUFF!? It's stuff. You can live without probably 95% of it. People do it all the time - House fires, floods, earthquakes, war, running away from an abuser. And I can tell you from experience how liberating it feels to be on your own, with only a car-full of your own belongings. You can go wherever the hell you want, because you finally broke free and nobody is expecting you to do anything or be anywhere or punishing you for some arbitrary reason. You just go, start driving somewhere else, away from him, away from all the stresses. And appreciate things. Appreciate driving by yourself, appreciate the landscape, appreciate the shitty song on the radio, appreciate your car's wonderful gas mileage or whatever, roll down the windows and appreciate the fresh air. That shit is freedom. And it is awesome. Go get it.

[bcgirl]

Freedom is worth so much more than all your "stuff" put together. It's your life, only you can steer the way to either a better life or a sh*tty life.

[SecretlySad]

You just go, start driving somewhere else, away from him, away from all the stresses. And appreciate things. Appreciate driving by yourself, appreciate the landscape, appreciate the shitty song on the radio, appreciate your car's wonderful gas mileage or whatever, roll down the windows and appreciate the fresh air.

I don’t own a car either… the car is his. I only got my licence a few years ago (I live in a busy city and never wanted or needed a car, but he would nag at me to get my licence so I finally did, purely to get him off my back).

The one car we do have is way too big for me to drive. I can’t even reach the pedals.

So, yeah… there’s that too…

[MerryH]

What a frustrating response.

You can do it without a car. You're making excuses.

[SecretlySad]

What a frustrating response.

I don’t think that’s a necessary or at all constructive thing to say

You can do it without a car. You're making excuses.

You’re probably right, but it would be a lot easier with a car. It makes a big difference. I can’t exactly carry my closet, bed, mattress, television etc in a backpack.

[bcgirl]

You’re probably right, but it would be a lot easier with a car. It makes a big difference. I can’t exactly carry my closet, bed, mattress, television etc in a backpack.

that's what you rent moving companies for....or rent a budget car.