would you stay or would you go?

[VincenzoG91]

searock, you just reminded me of a funny episode of the O.C. Marissa finally told Ryan that she loves him, and he awkwardly replied "thank you." For the rest of the episode, it was a running gag, and people kept saying, "at least he is polite." He did finally get around to saying the magic words, after kicking himself for his earlier slip.

[haxan]

Searock, you have a neuroticism and innocent nerdiness about you that somehow comes across as kind of cute. Not sure how you pull it off, but it's probably why a) this guy hasn't said he loves you yet and b) likes keeping you around to have fun with. You're a living paradox :-)




.

[pisces25]

Searock you keep coming back to this issue and it is obviously making you unhappy. No matter how you try to justify it and rationalise it he is not meeting your needs emotionally (for whatever reason) and it is unlikely this will change.

If you are seeking something more then you must set yourself free to find it. You may find it, you may not, but is the situation you are in sustainable? You say you should just 'accept' it but you know you can't do that so don't fool yourself.

Have you tried telling him straight out that you feel *true love* for him but the fact he doesn't seem to feel the same love for you is a big problem for you? Maybe communicating that a bit better will help him understand the brevity of the situation, ie you are thinking of walking away because of it.

[searock]

I am talking about this with him right now (via text for now, later we'll meet) so hopefully something will come out of it. I'm silly and naive, but I just can't give up hope just yet. There has been so much progress during the whole time we were together, I can't help being hopeful (and I rarely ever am!). But yeah, if it goes on for too long, I'll eventually leave. I know because it happened to me once in the past with one of my (two) exes. I was more into him than he was into me, but I was so naive (it was my first real relationship) to believe that things would somehow some day magically change, even if things *never* progressed under any aspect. Eventually I left, it took me 2 years but I did, and guess what? He came running after me telling me he loved me and I was the woman of his life, blah blah. Too late, I was so tired and fed up I had no regret leaving him. I hope it doesn't reach that point with my bf, but if that's what it will get to, I know I'll do the right thing and walk away.

Vincenzo, thanks, that cheered me up :-)!

haxan, you're saying that my bf stays with me because he thinks I'm a living paradox (why is that?) and therefore cute, even though he isn't in love with me? LOL. By the way, he's even "crazier" than I am under many aspects :-).

[haxan]

haxan, you're saying that my bf stays with me because he thinks I'm a living paradox (why is that?) and therefore cute, even though he isn't in love with me? LOL. By the way, he's even "crazier" than I am under many aspects :-).

You're a paradox, because my vibe is that as a girlfriend, you seem like you might be kind of an annoyance, but have the ability to be annoying in a cute, attractive way. It's not something very many people can pull off, but maybe it's why he's not in 'true love' with you, but enjoys having you as a girlfriend.

I don't see it ending up in marriage, but just enjoy it day to day. Eventually you two will probably get pulled in another direction by someone else and drift apart.

From my experience, if there wasn't an initially strong connection, 'if' they grew on me, it usually happened rather quickly (like in a few weeks/couple of months). You've known each other too long for his feelings to evolve the way you want (imo).

[searock]

The thing is that there *was* a very strong initial connection, as soon as we knew each other we became best friends and we both agree on the fact that it's never happened to us before, to be so inevitably connected with another person (we are both very private persons, we don't open up easily at all). Before we dated he had a MAJOR crush on me, everybody could see it, he would literally stutter when he talked to me, his face would light up when he saw me and he would just smile, at a loss for words for a few seconds, etc. People who didn't know us very well just assumed that we were boyfriend-girlfriend, and they would be surprised when they found out that we were just friends. He is the only one who is convinced that that wasn't "being in love"! He denied his feelings for me fo a looong time, because he was still together with his ex girlfriend. As I said, he is crazier than I am under many aspects :-). In the end he broke up with her and got together with me, though, as it should've been.

Now he is sweet and romantic, just yesterday he brought me a sunflower which he personally picked in a field just outside of our small town (he went there with the sole purpose to pick the flower for me!), he often brings me small thoughtful gifts, he handmade a wooden flute and a doll for me, he invites me to his holiday house, he had me meet his childhood friends, he says that "he isn't going anywhere, he wants to be with me", etc etc etc... he does all these really sweet things, that make me feel loved and appreciated.

Here's how I see it: what he feels for me is different from what he felt for his ex. He is convinced that *that* was true love, and that since what he feels for me is different, then this can't be true love. What I'm hoping is that once he gets COMPLETELY over his ex, then he will be free to let himself go again, and he'll somehow realize that what he felt for me was true love all along. Hahah, I'm so stupid XD! But yeah, I wouldn't put it past him, when it comes to emotional things he is EXTREMELY slow.

[haxan]

You're complaining about it on one hand (starting a thread wondering if you should move on). Yet when people are offering you insight from an unattached, unemotional perspective, you're defending it. It's great to rationalize everything so it fits what you want, we've all done it at certain times to some degree, but it doesn't change reality.

Over the years I never *not* treated someone close to me special and made them feel loved when we were together. It didn't mean they were the one for me, or my 'true love' as you put it. Like I said, enjoy it in the now, time will tell.

What's this doll look like? :-)

[searock]

I've received both comments telling me that I should stay, and that I should leave, and they are all coming from an unattached, unemotional perspective. My question was "what would you do", I am just looking for insight, it doesn't mean that I should follow one advice or the other.

Personally, for now, I want to stay. I've stated the reasons above (I'm happy in the relationship and would be devastated if we broke up). I know that right now the relationship isn't giving me everything that I want, but I am still hopeful for now. When hope dies and nothing changes, then will be the time to leave. I've been there before, so I know I'm able to do it.

I agree, time will tell, and I'm willing to wait a bit longer. He has always been extremely slow as I said, and in the end my wait has always paid off (for example, I didn't give up on him even when he kept me on an emotional rollercoaster in which he would tell me one day that he will surely break up with his gf to be with me, actually he's going to call her right now, and the next day he would say that he couldn't make it and he will try to stop thinking about me. All this went on for over an year, which I'm pretty sure makes us both pretty insane. Anyway, I didn't give up on him and now we have a great relationship, so it was worth it).

The doll isn't very beautiful LOL, but it's cute and it reminds me of him and the time he spent making it ^_^.

[Cerulean.]

Only you would know what you truly want to do. What I would do, is stay. Not to sound corny, but your situation somewhat reminds me of me and my best friend. Only my best friend was you, and I was your bf. I still wasn't 100% over my first love and was afraid to 100% let myself go. I look back and think how dumb I was. I was more in love with him than I'd been with my ex, I just didn't let myself know it. Who knows, though. You could always take that risk and leave... maybe that would be an eye opener for him. Or, just be more patient and let him get there in his own time. He's probably all ready there but is too afraid to admit it.

[searock]

Thank you, Cerulean. Your post really cheers me up a lot :-)! I think it's the same thing for him, he is afraid of letting himself go because of his past experience... but eventually he will get over her and then we'll both know how he truly feels :-).

[VincenzoG91]

searock, you and your boyfriend are both young and idealistic, and I feel like this whole conflict reflects that. I'm not saying that it is better to be older and more cynical, but with the perspective of time, you may both come to appreciate that what you have right now is special and worth keeping. Or maybe you will both learn the hard way after an unnecessary breakup. I hope that the two of you decide to stay together and enjoy your relationship.

[hermionegranger]

I think your relationship deserves that you wait with the break-up for a while. Just to see, where things are going. It is hard not to hear the love-you-words back from the other person - that's one of the things I'm currently going through. It hurts - at least it hurts me. I need to hear those little confirmations of his love daily, but lately he's just stopped saying that. I waited a while, to see if this was a phase maybe, but it seems that it is not. For your relationship - this situation might still pass, your boyfriend might understand that he really does truly love you. You are happy in the relationship, so - just wait, observe and analyze.

[Sidereus]

If I were in your situation, I would stay. You guys are great with one another. You're the happiest you've ever been. I just think you are jealous about his open feelings about his ex. He may say that that's the only time he's felt true love, but that's because he's not letting himself go 100% with you just yet because he's so afraid. Stay with him. You'll know when it's not working out. You're still young, and if you both are meant to be, you will be.

[searock]

Thank you Vincenzo, Hermione and Sidereus. You are right... I am going to do just that, wait and hope and enjoy what we have in the meanwhile, because our relationships is just wonderful and it makes us both very happy :-). Thank you for your advice ^_^!

[haxan]

My question was "what would you do"

Fair enough. I'd move on. Then again I have 20+ years of love and life experience on you and have seen situations play out over and over.

I'll give you this, it *is* a bit of a different dynamic for men, because after having sex, women will tell you they love you right away and re-enforce it, make sure you know it. Men can hold out a bit longer with, if not those feelings, those words (maybe it's genetic).

The red flag in your case is the length of the relationship and the the fact he doesn't put you on the same level as his ex (she was 'true love').