Too many chances

[buzz bee]

i dont know - my problems havent gone that far - he is still talking to me, taking my calls, responding to me and aggreeing to meet me for coffee ect... tho he at first says to me that he thinks hes busy/doesnt want to give me his weekends... and then it seems hes ok with it and kinda clings to the idea just as i do - by reminding me whenever we run into each other that we are doing these things....

if she is talking about changing her number ect then you deff need to give her time and space - i would leave it a few weeks and then maybe email her keeping it nice and friendly and see how she is going -but i dont know how good my advice is since im going thru the same thing as you.... id hate it if he told me that he was changing his number ect...... it sounds as if things have progressed a little further in your situation than mine, if she is starting to sound serious about no contact youve got to respect her for it and leave her alone for a while i guess..... or your going to keep pushing her away

[spartacus]

you're right of course I know you are.

Today actually hasnt been that bad. There were a few times when I felt I wanted to do something but Ive taken her number out of my phone so Im not tempted to call etc. I've also made plans to go out on Friday nght and Monday so I have things to look forward to but it still doesnt stop me thinking that Ive lost her and I need to do something about it.

[stonesnbones]

Ive been doing this for a year with my ex. within that time, she found someone else and her new bf is now living with her.

I regret the not doing the NC because it might have made her miss me so much that she would have gotten back together. But instead it actually pushed her away, even though she said she still missed me and all.

Staying in contact in my opinion is not a good thing, and neither is being friends. So what happens if you stay in contact and be friends? Some examples:
1)You hurt yourself
2)You will never get over the pain
3)It will constantly refresh him/her memory on both the good and bad things about you. He/She may want to get back together, but its the bad memories that constanly remind him/her why he/she broke up in the first place.
4)If he/she finds someone else, then he/she will continue with what he/shes doing (whether or not they are reeally half-ass plans) because it will look like you are there to catch him/her if she falls
5)It shows that you can be friends, and STAY friends.
6) You want to hear that him/her and him/her BF is doing well and are moving in together (Like in my case)?
7)You want to hear that they are getting married?

NC does many things, some examples:

1)Shows him/her you arent there to catch her if he/she falls, which makes he/her start to really think what life is like without you at all, and make him/her really unsure of whether the breakup was the best thing to do
3)Makes him/her miss you
4)Makes you more attractive, because he/she doesnt know what you are doing and its like meeting a new person again if he/she decides to come back
5)The bad memories eventually fade away and the good remains. But IF he/she decides to come back and you accept, make sure you understood what the bad stuff was and eliminate it or the same rut will happen (You are supposed to get rid of it regardless)
5)IF he/she decides to come back, then the choice is yours if you want to try again. But if that never happens, then the NC time will allow you to heal to the point you dont care anymore.

I dont know if the NC will make him/her do these points, but I do know point (5) will eventually happen.

Funny how NC is always recommended to dumpees, and not dumpers, cause Im sure a dumpee would gladly take a dumper back if the dumper asked to get back together again.

[spartacus]

Thats actually really sound advice. Makes perfect sense to me completely.

The only concern I have is that Ive left it too late to do the NC thing. If you had told me that 5 weeks ago I would never have done what I did.

Right now shes rebuilding her life, although when I last spoke to her she told me her life was basically on hold. Shes been busy with friends the whole time. Not going out as such, but just spending time with friends. This just helps her to realise that she doesnt need me, she has her friends. Eventually as time goes on she may think of me, but it wont be enough for her to say "ok, I miss him" She probably too pissed off with me to even give me a second thought at the moment which doesnt help me at all.

There are times, like right now for instance, when I think to myself "she not going to come back", and it doesnt make me panic, it just fills me with sadness. I just think the whole thing is a shame because we really do get on well and we were perfect in every other way and I really dont want to lose her.

[stonesnbones]

Least your ex is with friends. Mine ran off with a new BF.

Mine has been going on for a year. My ex though still says she misses me and that she really wants to see me again. She doesnt call me because her new BF saw it on the phone bill and told her to never contact me again. But she still does.

One day she might think back and then cry because of the good times you had. Hopefully by that time its only the good stuff she remembered.

I think my case is a goner. Ive gone into NC for a week and Ive already gotten 2 emails from my ex wondering where I am and if Im alive. Of course each email she tells me what she and her bf are up to, and it actually fuels my NC even more.

My girlfriends life is sucking, her job makes her work 14 hr days sometimes and shes behind in bills and life. Then shes asking her bf to move in (which its done). Smells like disaster waiting to happen. And I sure dont want to remain friends with her now, cause then she will continue with her half-ass plans knowing im there to back her up. I hope she falls flat on her face and regrets breaking up with me

[spartacus]

You're so right. I couldnt agree more.

The problem in our problem stems from me not involving her in my family, moving in with her etc. Its not that I didnt want to, its just things got so confusing that I never did it.

She felt I didnt love her enough, and becuase 2 of her best friends have recently had babies, she's realised that she wants to settle down, and that shes not going to get that with me. She is wrong. Now of course because she spending more time with her friends, they are all telling her to not come back to me. They can see shes upset and can see how Ive been harrasing her so now I not only have to convince her,I also have to convince her friends other wise Im working it at on my own.

I really want to talk about it with her. I do really want to sort things out and have all the things she wants. I too would like a family, and Id certainly move in with her now.

I just dont know how to resolve the issue of getting her to see Im serious. she even told me that she knew I was serious this time, but she just needed time to herself to sort herself out and decide what she wants.

Meanwhile I have to sit and wait, in the hope she comes back, but now Ive screwed things up I cant do anything at all and Im really kicking myself for being an idiot.

[stonesnbones]

Regardless if she thinks you are serious, you have to give her time. Because rtight now the bad memories are still fresh in her head. It will remind her why you two broke up in the first place and make her stay away or be catious.

Time away will make the bad stuff go away. it will make you more attractive cause she doesnt know whats been going on. She will miss you (I hope). It will be like meeting a new person again to her.

Your end of the NC should be such that you allow yourself to heal so whether or not she does come back it will feel indifferent to you. And also you should be self-reflecting and find out what went wrong (looks like you have some reasons). But give it time. If she thinks you are serious, then give her time. Continuous contact will make it sound you are too eager and you will push her to a point of no return.

Its funny, I remember something I said to a friend once regarding break ups...

The dumper will always say "who knows 'Absence will make the heart grow fonder' and I may come back. The dumpee will say 'Out of sight, out of mind". Guess this is why we are so eager to remain friends with our exs...

[spartacus]

Last week I emailed her and persuaded her to come out for a drink with me. We started off a bit awkward, but we started to relax, but at some point in the evening I started arguing with her and we fell out. I kind got mixed signals from her from that point and on the day after I contacted her (again!) and asked her to think about seeing me again for another try, and she said she'd ring me on monday evening and maybe we could go for a walk. she rang but said she didnt want to see me and that there was no point. I told her to just think about it and the following day I received the email below. Every time I read it, it makes me realise that its probably over for good. Its quite conclusive, but STILL I think she perhaps is just upset and hurt, and maybe she will cool down in a couple of weeks if I leave her alone.

You tell me what you think..... I know you're going to tell me that its over, and that I should get on with my life, but do you think that NC will help rekindle anything?

please bear in mind that if I had NC from the start, Im 80% certain we would be back together by now. This email is the result of 5 weeks of harrasing her and crying down the phone over and over again beggin her to come back.....

Im not going to call you tonight. I know there is no way I could ever be in a relationship with you anymore. I do not feel the same about you especially after this weekend. The reason Im sending this is because I cannot stand another telephone conversation talking about the same thing over and over again. Im not going to change my mind on this so you will have to accept it.

Darren do not contact me anymore. I will not answer anymore calls, emails or texts. If you continue to call or text me i will change my number which I have already looked into and it is really easy to do. I will also delete any email that you send to me without reading it. Any flowers you send will be placed straight in the bin, so i wouldnt waste your money. If you keep turning up I will not answer the door.

I have tried to finish this in the nicest way a person can do that but that obviously is not working so this is the way forward for me.

Going out on Friday was a bad of idea but you kept asking to see me so I thought I would go to see if I still felt the same about you and I dont.

Darren you need to forget about me and get on with your life because Im NOT going to be part of it.

Ive arranged for this email to be sent after I have left work so there is no point replying to it or attempting to ring me.

[stonesnbones]

Im gonna say something in which you will reply "Wish you told me that sooner"

IF you ever get int o a dinner or whatever with your ex, NEVER, NEVER, EVER bring up your past relationship.

Talk freely about other things, things you had done, fun stuff you did, show as though you are trying to have a good time with her. Ask her about what she did. Tell her she looks nice (but dont over do it) and just basically talk. talk about anything, BUT NEVER THE PAST RELATIONSHIP.

If she brings it up, for example "Why did you hate the fact that blah blah blah. It made me wonder sometimes" A response should be like "YOu are right, I I was never in any position to blah blah blah." Then say nothing else. Cause at that time, the ball is in her court to say something back, and hopefully she would have changed the subject or something.

I will give you a hopefull story though.

I broke up with my ex once before for about 6 months, prior this break up after 4 1/2 years. During that time, I did the usual stupid stuff. Called her, cried on the phone asking her to come back, bought her teddy bears, flower, you name it. Of course it pushed her away. (The main reason for the breakup was because she had a crush on someone and wanted to follow it ) She blew it off told me to date other women and that she would never come back to me again. After 2 months of NC, she came back to me.

I am actually also living on that past breakup in hopes that it will happen to me again this time around, though at the same time Im trying to heal and move on. Regardless she comes back or you find someone else, its still the basic premise: You are single, you meet a girl, you hook up and get into a relationship.

[buzz bee]

the hardest thing to do in a break up if you still love the person is give them time and space cos you are afraid that during that time and space they will realise they no longer have feeligns for you and that their life is better off without you.... sometimes tho it does work......give her some time to cool down, if your like me, everytime to talk to her you prolly anger her further by bringing up the past again and again..... im sure that if i dont control myself at coffee this weekend ill be in the same boat as you... with him not talking to me anymore.... if you do see her, talk to her, dont bring up the relationship, talk like you used to, before you had these problems... remind her of who you are

[spartacus]

Something else that bothers me is the fact that Im also scared that if I have NC for a few weeks, and then I dont contact her at all, she might think I dont want her to and she wont contact me at all.

Lets say I now impose a NC period, in 4 weeks time, do I try to initiate some friendly contact? Just a quick email asking how she is and maybe telling her a few things Ive been doing? If she replies, then she replies, if she doesnt then I know its probably over. Does that sound like a good idea?

[stonesnbones]

In my case the first time I broke up with my ex, she came back aafter 2 months of NC. She was dating a crush during this time.

During the 4 months of stupid stuff before my 2 months of NC, my ex eevn told me to date other girls and taht she would neevr come back to me again.

SO I would say in 2 months time, she felt as though the crush she was dating wasnt up to what she thought, and instead of finding someone else, or staying single, the feelings for me started to well up in her to the point she wanted to give me anotehr shot.

So I guess based on this personal experience, she would still occasionally think about you time to time, and the NC part helps in a sense that she may be thinking twice that she has lost you forever, and it may push her into really asking herself if she wants to try again.

Other peoples cases may be different from mine, but I guess heres another point to strengthen the NC

[spartacus]

ok, so we've established that the best thing for me to do is give her some space and avoid contact. I've written her phone numbers down, but Ive taken them out of my phone just so i dont get tempted.

Now, at the moment I know I should be keeping myself busy, perhaps go out etc, however all Im doing, is doing something, and then when i start it I start thinking about the situation and I dont want to do that anymore. for instance I might go out, but then when I get there i dont want to be there. Or if i go for a walk, I'll start walking but I then I think I dont want to be doing this.

I just keep going around in circles, and all I want to do is either sit and wallow in my own self-pity, or try to think of ways of getting her back etc.

How do I occupy my mind enough when nothing I do interests me?

[artyemi]

Just keep doing them even if you don't feel like it.
Eventually, time will take care of the rest.

[stonesnbones]

I have been working out since I was 16 years old, and its still part of my life. I consider myself pretty healthy, and I honestly feel its a good thing I did it because exercise has been know to suppress those horrible feelings.

SO if I was to give you something to do, I would say go to the gym and workout. There are times I never felt like it because of my pain, but when I got into it I could really feel those feelings get suppressed. Plus it gets you into more physical shape and more physically attractive too

If you already do it, then do it even more!