How do I leave when he won't let me go? *Emotional Abuse*

[woody]

I was stuck long ago in something eerily similar. It took a year of planning. I did not tell him of my plan to leave.
On the eve of my departure, his Family and I said our goodbye's (they were fully aware I could not stay with their son, they knew of the abuse and understood full well why I had to go) It was difficult leaving them the most.
He was out when we said our goodbyes for we all knew he'd make an ugly scene.
When he returned i was simply g o n e.

I moved to another City, lived up high in a scraper that had security. Thought all was going well.

Months later, started taking a night class and my first night, walked into class and he was sitting right in the middle looking at me, smiling a sly grin.
Needless to say, my heart dropped and pounded so hard I could barely hear my thoughts. He'd been following me.

Turned on my heel and marched (wobbily) down to office and gave a brief history.

He made al ittle stink in the class. eventually left; everyone in my class got a good look at him which in hindsight, was a good thing.
Next;restraining order.
took months but he eventually stopped.

It is never easy leaving an abusive relationship. You must reach out to networks that assist this process and keep your plans between you and them and yourself. Do not leave him when he is aware of it. Stealth mode lady. Stealth mode and don't look back; cover your tracks and always be aware of your surroundings once your out on your own again.
please be safe
goodluck

[IndiReloaded]

Woody - That must have been quite frightening. Kudos to you for making it out. I hope the OP isn't in as dire a situation but its good for her to know just how bad it can get.

@ Constructo Man - as had been said, counselling only works for couples where there is still mutual love and respect and a willingness to improve. My ex had to be dragged to counselling (he already knew everything they were going to tell him), with about the results you'd expect.

Sometimes, leaving IS really best for everyone. Particularly if there are no young children... why prolong the misery of 2 incompatible people?

[woody]

I really appreciate everyone's advice. However, I would really love to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation. I just feel that it's easy to say "just leave" to someone like me, but in reality... it's just not that simple. :/

As others have probably mentioned, there are certain programs out there in the World that assist women (and men) in similar situations. ONe does not need to be black and blue to be eligible.
It is expected that when an emotionally or physically abused partner leaves, they are usually without cash to do it. Hence the programs. You'd be surprised at how nice some the spots are and the support one can access. It is why they exist. To get people safe and back on their feet, kids n all.
I don't know where you live but often there are certain Government programs one can also access in your time of change.

again, plan your departure and keep it to yourself (aside from us here of course, we be a part of your support system)

Hey, listen, I know what your going through.
Took me 4 years of thinking I could change him. Fooling myself in all his 'good' moments that that was the man he truly was and if only, if only, if only 'I' could help him, he'd be better.
Every punch to the face or car wheel on my foot, every late night coming back smelling like perfume. God I can't believe I stayed so long. I loved his FAmily. I still miss them, always will.

I guess what i'm trying to say is, please don't delude yourself into thinking this is your fault. Please don't assume you can change someone.

TAp into some programs. Just see what's out there in your neck of the woods, just find out what and where your options are.

Often, once we get through the oh so scary jump of change, the Universe provides safe passage.

[IndiReloaded]

Good for you Woody. Fear becomes less, not more, when you confront it. Good lesson learned.

[livelaughluv75]

I have been reading on here for a long time but never posted, but your post resonated with me.

I was with my now-ex husband for 20 years, married for 13. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. Manipulating and controlling. It got worse when he was unhappy at work, with the money he was making, with the life he had. And we had a pretty decent life. The last 3-4 years of our marriage was crap. Yelling, name calling, control and intimidation tactics. Though I consider myself a pretty strong woman, I changed. I didn't know what to do. How did I get out (and I am by NOOOOO means advocating doing this - I was wrong and I destroyed my ex - I shouldn't have done it). I had an affair. A long one, and eventually I slipped up and he found out. Then I ended our marriage - he would have took me back.

My friends say its the only way that he would let me go, that he wouldn't have just let me end the marriage. Who knows. All I know is I am 2 years out and I know my life and my kids lives are better for it. I hope that one day he will realize it too - he was just starting to go to counseling a couple months before we split. But after I left, he was miraculously cured. So I suspect he's going to repeat the behavior.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know that I have been in the same situation you were in. I didn't think it was as bad as it was, I didn't think people could see how bad it was, that I was unhappy - but they could! I didn't have the courage to leave, there are so many things to worry about, I get it. But do it for yourself. Once you get over the fear, you will love yourself more for it. Don't do what I did.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have

[surfhb2]

You answered your own question here ^. When you got married you probably took a vow. Sadly, in this day and age, honesty is not valued. What did it mean to you when you promised,"Til death do us part?" The Bible explains the only cause for divorce is unfaithfulness. In my opinion if physical abuse is taking place then he is being unfaithful because being abusive is not part of honoring you as a wife. You should leave him if he is physically abusive. I consider pushing to be physical abuse. You didn't go into specifics about the "emotional abuse." The whole emotional abuse thing is subjective. It probably stems from both of you having issues with communication. Your own past and upbringing may play a role in this too. If your parents divorced at an early age then it is likely you view divorce as acceptable and a way out of unhappiness. If your depressed and you don't seek help for your depression then you could be blaming him for your own clinical issues and projecting your unhappiness on to him. Manipulation is an overly stated term. Most people are not used to being direct and they use manipulation to get what they want. This doesn't mean that being manipulative is right. This would be an excellent topic to address in couple's counseling with a professional in the room. Men usually do not like to talk about their feelings and go to counseling but he is willing to make this work. Are you?

THIS has got to be the most asinine advice Ive ever heard.....even for this forum