Low blow or am I overreacting?

[SuperHappyTime1]

Do I have the right to be offended and hurt that he would take a sensitive matter like this and throw it in my face? Not just because he wouldn’t accept responsibility, but the fact that this came off as such a low blow.. What are your thoughts?

Everyone has the "right" to be hurt or offended when unjustly criticized. Sometimes we respond by lashing out at the critic, much as your BF did toward you. It's a low blow, but he might not notice the negative aura he puts out toward others.

Is he a good guy for you? Hrmmm, maybe, maybe not.
For one, I have to ask what you said when he asked "What's wrong?" Was his behavior the cause? Did you actually tell him what was wrong? How did he react? Did you listen to his reaction?
Also, how does he act toward you? Is he just as negative, pessimistic, angry, and judgmental about you? Has he called you a name or been angry at you? On topics, is he entirely negative or just have a realistic opinion?

I'm not going to give Grade A+ advice on your depression, because I've never considered myself depressed or certified to give advice to those who have depression. I deal with negative people by being (not acting) positive around them. It's no simple task, and there's lots of reflection afterward, but it helps.

[TheEvilJester]

That is a great point. Sometimes if somebody seems to be a negative person, just being positive around them and not allowing them to drag you down can actually help them to get out of that funk. You become their positive influence. To me, that is the different between being a negative person (somebody who just always HAS to see the darkside of everything) and somebody who is just maybe suffering through some rough times.

All of us suffer through tough times, and I guarantee none of us are our best, most cheery selves during those times. The difference being that we can eventually see our way out of that and the negativity will cease, at least for the most part. Then there are those people who can just never be happy. They could have everything handed to them on a silver platter, getting everything they could possibly want in life...... and they'd complain that the platter should have been gold or platinum. Those, to me, are negative people. They can never just appreciate what they have and always have to have some reason to complain.

So, I guess the trick is figuring out which is the case for your fella. Is he a negative person, or just a person currently suffering through a lot of negative experiences?

Because, on the other side of the coin, don't mistake somebody who unfortunately currently HAS a lot of reasons to complain for just being somebody who complains too much. There is a BIG difference. I know for me personally, it is one of my HUGE pet peeves for somebody to belittle my LEGITIMATE reasons for being upset by accusing me of being a complainer, or telling my BS like I should just "get over it," or something like that. Sometimes there ARE legitimate reasons to be upset, and sometimes we suffer through too many all at once. Don't mistake somebody that is just suffering through a lot of crap for being the same as somebody who finds reasons to complain in everything. That said, also don't make the opposite mistake. There are some people who can just never be happy, and you shouldn't allow them to drag you down with them.

[basilandthyme]

Jester, I very much agree that one can be in a bad place temporarily (bullying at work, illness of self/partner etc) and there's just the downright negative people.

When it comes to telling the difference between the two, I think the OP summed up the qualities of a downright negative person in her opening post >> Examples: If we go out somewhere and it’s really packed, he will act like a borderline mad man and use derogatory names for the people around him / he gets extreme road rage / makes racist comments frequently.. in public / speaks negatively about almost any topic & sees the worst in almost every situation. <<

Conversely, my usually upbeat husband has been reconsidering his job because he doesn't like it. My best friend's marriage broke up. While they have both needed to vent about stuff, they haven't started doing road rage or generally hating at all and sundry.

At any rate, I'd run a mile someone who behaved like the OPs partner. I couldn't even be their friend because they'd suck the joy out of life.

[dickriculous]

I will say, it still doesn't change that I think it is NOT okay to go around being such a negative person like your BF has been. If maybe there are reasons he's been driven to that, then maybe it isn't just in his nature to be so negative. If that is the case, then maybe he does just need to step back and realize he is doing that and it needs to stop.

If it is just in his nature to be so ridiculously negative (much like my ex) then it may be best just to take out the trash, move on, and find yourself a fella who can appreciate the good times when he has them, rather than finding a reason to complain about absolutely everything.

The point the guy you're quoting was making is that her allegations itt might be bullshit. And if that's the case then everything you're saying here is null and void and the fault lies with OP, not her bf. That said I didn't read the other thread so I won't make any assumptions either way unless someone cares to post a link so I can get a little more perspective here.

[solarion]

The point the guy you're quoting was making is that her allegations itt might be bullshit. And if that's the case then everything you're saying here is null and void and the fault lies with OP, not her bf. That said I didn't read the other thread so I won't make any assumptions either way unless someone cares to post a link so I can get a little more perspective here.

The OP has a whopping two posts and hasn't bothered to address any of the 22 responses she has collectively received in response. Too busy might have been a reasonable excuse, right up to the point that the OP started this thread whining about the same BF without even bothering with the comments her previous thread had garnered. I suspect the OP is just venting and/or making excuses for her own behavior. We don't know much because she never follows up and BF is likely unaware these threads exist, so we shouldn't expect his version of events anytime soon.

Seems I'm still on newbie "probation" for 14 days, so you'll have to fix this link or get the OP's other post from her profile.

ht tps://w w w.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/96108-cheap-frugal-boyfriend.html?highlight=#post1017476

[dickriculous]

ht tps://w w w.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/96108-cheap-frugal-boyfriend.html?highlight=#post1017476

tl;dr so I'm bowing out of this one. Thanks for the link tho.

[solarion]

OH COME ON MAN?!? Think of the child...er...dirty laundry! lol

In retrospect I should've behaved similarly. Nillasnackcake(sp?) doesn't seem to care one way or another.

[megvoh]

She probably made kissy kissy with the bf so this is meaningless to her now LoL.

[solarion]

...meanwhile we're over here still trying to get her laid. What a bunch of schmucks we turned out to be.

[megvoh]

LoL!!
She might pop back for a one post thanks all note.

[TheEvilJester]

Basil,

You do make a good point. Still, sometimes when somebody gets crapped on by life too much all in a row, it can turn them into a negative person in all other aspects of their life. That said, I do kind of agree with you that the examples the OP claims her boyfriend is displaying does strike me more as him being a negative person, and not just him being a good person who has just been kicked into the mud by life way too much recently.

The point the guy you're quoting was making is that her allegations itt might be bullshit. And if that's the case then everything you're saying here is null and void and the fault lies with OP, not her bf. That said I didn't read the other thread so I won't make any assumptions either way unless someone cares to post a link so I can get a little more perspective here.

Exactly. What I had not realized (because I don't have time to dig through everybody's entire history as a poster here when I respond to a thread) is that the OP already had another thread that perhaps may have put things in a different light.

You are definitely correct that, if the OP is not being completely honest, that would very possibly change my opinion and make what I had said before null and void. Even so, I personally tend to err on the side of responding to threads at face value unless I feel pretty certain it is BS. I figure:

A) If the person is being legitimately 100% honest, I want to provide them with my sincere thoughts and advice.
B) Even if they are NOT being 100% honest, or maybe even the story is completely fabricated, maybe somebody else will benefit from the thoughts and advice we provide if they actually are facing similar issues to what the perhaps bogus story claims.

[basilandthyme]

I just wanted to add that my terminology was probably a bit off. I see the behaviour described by the OP as being aggressive rather than negative. While the negativity would be a real issue, it's the aggression which would see me run a mile. Such behaviour would scare me.

[TheEvilJester]

Good point. There is certainly a big difference between passive negativity and aggressive negativity. Aggressive negativity is definitely a much bigger red flag. Still, even the passive negativity can be enough, in my personal opinion, to be a breaking point.

[solarion]

Read & understand vanillabean's criticisms of her BF from her other thread that she seemingly doesn't care about. BF is freaked out about what he believes to be an economic tsunami and is likely stressed out about it. Add to that the fact that his GF of over 2 years questions his belief system. That's why I say, this thread is far less objective and does not, for me, exist in a vacuum.

His excuses: The economy is going down the toilet/Obama has ruined the country/there’s no opportunities these days/it’s too difficult to find a decent job in South Florida if you aren’t bilingual/he doesn’t have a college education/And my favorite: The world is going to end soon anyway (he’s a conspiracy theorist and believes the end times are upon us).

I am not a gold digger.

...apparently someone accused her of being a gold digger.

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, in fairness, those complaints make me wonder if he's one of those super annoying conspiracy theorists who always has to have this elaborate explanation for how the world is out to get them, and THAT is why they don't have a job or whatever other crap. One of those people who, instead of admitting his own faults and trying to better himself, instead all the crappy things that happen to him are anybody and everybody's fault but his own.

Then again, to your point, he could actually have legit concerns about the economy and she is just unsupportive of his ideas/ideals. So, I can definitely see how you might interpret it as such.