3 years r/s ended abruptly and I need help getting her back

[Chazza2k]

Ok lost in translation a little that one for me Thx for clearing it up

For you to work it out you really need to talk about it to see if you both can get beyond it, who knows her reasons for the flirting except her, you have to ask her why? Listen to her answers and then decide if you still want to be part of her life and if she wants to be part of yours. She may still care about you lots but still may decide she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I think you will have to wait and see until you sit down and have a long talk to see where you both stand.

I can do no more than you by speculating on her reasons for the flirting, Desperate for more attension, A need to feel wanted?, Her desire to be with someone else? No idea really, its best not to speculate really, your mind just runs away with it... Wait for her to come back sort out a meeting then if she agrees to meet you, ask her whats on your mind.

[Gigabitch]

Cut her loose. There are decent girls out there. Go find one of them.

[bluesummer]

Ok sk8er, here's a few problems I see:

She was the best gf I ever had in terms of the way she showered me with expensive gifts, extravagant celebration on occasions and her good looks. We have the same views on many things and her family likes me. The only problem we had was that we fight frequently over small things, but they were all settled within a day or two. Things were perfect and we planned to get married and have kids and agreed never to leave each other.

Hardly sounds perfect to me. First of all, the first thing you can come up with to describe the perfection of your relationship is that she was good looking and bought you stuff? You failed to mention her personality or any other great attributes, which leads me to believe she really isn't so great. Let's not forget the frequent fighting. Not the signs of a good relationship.

And now, the most shocking part is, just yesterday I found out that she had been flirting with tons of guys on myspace even while we were still happily together. That totally killed me and I feel like a fool. I trusted her and kept my eyes off her and this is what she had been doing behind my back. The biggest irony is that long ago we agreed not to have social networking accounts like myspace, facebook etc. to prevent such online flirting which will create more fights between us. After deleting my account that day, I’ve kept my promise and didn’t create such accounts. But she, a few months ago created a myspace account secretly and had been flirting with guys online. I feel totally betrayed and speechless. .

Ok, first of all, she's flirting with other guys online behind your back. She broke your trust.......HUGE taboo. HOWEVER, you obviously didn't trust her that much yourself. You say you deleted your MySpace account, so how do you know she was flirting with other guys? Either you didn't delete your accoutn or you were checking up on her. That sounds a tad possessive.

All in all, this relationship sounds like a waste and I'm not sure why you want her back. Maybe because you've been with her for three years and it's hard to throw away a relationship you've been in so long. However, it also doesn't appear you guys make each other happy the way you should in a healthy relationship. I say let her continue her online flirting and go do some of your own. Forget about her.

[sk8erboi88]

Hi Bluesummer,

well maybe i didn't mention alot about her personality but i did mention that we have the same views on many important issues, like money, kids, how we should build up our r/s etc. She has more than that which I never found in any of the girls I had been with before. There's alot to say it all out here. She was truly the best gf I ever had.

About the myspace, I only recently found out about her flirtings. It is very easy to find out even without an account, I just typed her name in the search box and there you go. When we were still together, i trusted her with my life, that's why i didn't even bother to lookup about her on the internet. Now that we've broken up, i was just curious about her so i tried to see if she has a myspace account. Turns out that she had that account since long ago when we were still together.

[sk8erboi88]

So now she is back from her training overseas but things seems to have changed ever since she came back. Just a few weeks ago before she came back, we were still texting each other warmly as if we were still together and I could feel that she still cared. That made me somewhat happy and kept my hopes up about patching up.

But for some strange and unexplainable reasons, ever since she came back from overseas, she had been totally cold towards me. And even when we met up last weekend to talk, although there were some smiles from her, she kept treating me like i'm a stranger. When I tried to hold her hands, she pulled away. When I tried to sit closer, she moved further back. I don't know why she is doing all these and treating me as if we were never together. I just can't take it anymore and on the verge of breaking down. It's just so hard to see the one you love treating you like a complete stranger. Why would she suddenly become so cold? Or is she playing mind games with me? I need help..

[lhn]

Hi sk8er, Sorry to hear about this. I'm very fond of Chazza2k's posts and he has basically covered all the angles.

Basically, you are trying to find answers that you just wont find and it hurts ALOT.
Theres not a lot that people can say or do to make things better for you; Its a time in your life which will cause you so much pain. I sat there for months wondering how on earth I ended up in a similar situation with my ex.
I have to sit opposite her everyday at work knowing she is seeing another guy and it kills me everyday. Its relentless and it will be relentless for you for a long time.

My interpretation of it is it is probably over. And I know no matter how many people tell you that, you will cling to hope for a very long time. A lot of us on this forum have done that and some days I still do. Its a horrible situation but one that, after time (and a lot of it) you will come to accept.

Personally, I've found that I haven't stopped loving her but I've started to miss her less. Which makes things a little easier.

Hang in there. Let her decide what she wants and back off. Don't worry that if you don't do something she will move on without you. Its a common mistake and one that can only lead to more hurt.

If she loves you... truely loves you... she'll come back.

In the meantime try to look at it from this perspective... you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you.

Goodluck