This Is Just Such a Terrible Experience

[shheadz]

Bottom line: You need therapy, and possibly medication. Why is that hard to understand?

[cmacattack1]

Well a big part of the problem is your mentality. Again, you are doing this for you, not for her or for any other people. It's 100 percent payoff because you are doing this to improve YOU. Not to bait somebody else in. It's a bonus to have women in your life but ultimately if you can't get your shit together for you, you shouldn't even be thinking about getting it done for a woman in your life.

You got married and you stagnated. You worked the same low level job, kept the same lack of education, thought that as long as we have each other it didn't matter what you did or how much money you have. Such a common misconception of love. Because what happens when you don't have her anymore when you were so dependant on her? You become what you are today....

[ChristianonLI]

I'm not entirely sure how much stagnation really had to do with it though. She left after three months not three years. We barely had time to settle in and she was already on her way out. Isn't that just a little strange?

[shheadz]

I'm not entirely sure how much stagnation really had to do with it though. She left after three months not three years. We barely had time to settle in and she was already on her way out. Isn't that just a little strange?

You two were together for over 2 years. Your life together didn't start the moment you put a ring on her finger.

[Gigabitch]

Christian, you overinvested. Bad on you. You should NEVER lean on someone so much that you fall down the rabbit hole without them. It's hard not to do. I've been guilty of it myself. It can really **** you up.

In my opinion, you need a drastic change in your life, if only temporary. Move out of Long Island. The weather is shitty and you're wallowing in your own mess. Go somewhere far away and do something completely out of character. Go work at Club Med. Do something to snap yourself out of this state you're in.

Everything that's wrong in your life is NOT this woman's fault. Stand up on your hind legs and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

[castingstones]

I guess the core issue is that I cannot bear to live the rest of my life with the fact I may have screwed up the most important thing in my life. While it really feels like she wanted out and I did nothing wrong, I'll never know. The fact she gave me a range of bullsh*t excuses that weren't backed up by her best friend leads me to believe this. If her friend had just reiterated my ex wife's reasons for leaving then it really would have been me.

Bottom line though, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm single again. Henceforth, I now lack value and purpose in life. My friends and family cannot understand my line of logic or reasoning. As far as I am concerned, the value of my existence is directly correlative to the value put upon me by a woman. If no woman loves me the way my wife once loved me then I am nothing and I will be nothing until another woman comes along to provide me with that love. It's like money, really. Money doesn't have intrinsic value in nature. It is only valuable because that is how we perceive it. We place that value on money but without people, money would be nothing.

"But what about the love of your friends and your family?" you may ask. Believe me, others have asked already. Well, that love from friends and family is entirely different and, to a certain extent, it doesn't matter to me. I'd be perfectly fine having no family and no friends as long as I had one woman who was in love with me. But on the reverse end, all the friends and family in the world can't make up for the fact I'm not getting any intimate contact whatsoever. I'm single. I'm alone. And knowing the woman I love so dearly is out living her life not caring about me makes it all the more painful. Knowing she's now looking for someone new, and may even have found him, thereby NOT viewing me as the greatest man on Earth is disgusting and reprehensible to me. The very fact I love her should be enough for her to love me back. I know it was for me when she first said "I love you" to me.

And so now I am forced to START OVER. It's unacceptable. I shouldn't have to be starting over from the beginning. Going months, most likely years, without a woman who loves me, every day hoping and praying either my ex wife comes to her senses and realizes where she belongs or I find someone better. But at this point, at this stage of my life, I will only be trading down. My ex wife was a virgin. She had hardly dated at all. I was her first for everything. Any woman I find now is going to be used goods. She's going to have baggage. And she's not going to be a trade up at all unless I actively work my ass off to improve my life to bait one in. I'd found my wife having done nothing with my life and not improving myself as a person in any way. I had hit the lottery with her and now she's gone. So what's left for me to do? Rigorous self improvement in the hopes one day I might find someone? What's the point of doing all that work if I don't know the precise moment another woman will come along to free me of this emotional train wreck that I've now become? There's no point if I don't have a 100% guarantee that it'll pay off. I could work hard the rest of my life to be the best person I could possibly be and die alone at 85. Or I could sit on my ass, being lazy and self-serving and have a miracle fall into my lap just as my wife did in 2006.

I guess the fact I don't want to kill myself anymore is an improvement. But just a marginal one. There is nothing good left in this world for me. Everywhere I look I see happiness. I see people in love. I see everyone but me getting exactly what they want out of life while I sit here, day in and day out, getting nothing but punishment while my ex wife is out happily living her life. Well, the way I see it, the only way I could ever be happy now is if she becomes as miserable as I have been. Either that or she wakes up, realizes her mistake and comes back to me as my wife where she pledged she would stay forever. That's not a promise anyone should be allowed to go back on. She had an obligation to make the marriage work and to stay in love with me just as I was obligated on both of those things to her. I'm STILL holding my promise in my heart in hopes she'll one day reciprocate. She had always told me how marriage and children would make her happy and that's what I wanted to give her. I wanted her to be happy. So why wasn't it enough? Suddenly I had to be a knight in shining armor? And because I wasn't she gave up in three months? I didn't deserve that and I will hold this grudge until the day I die. Or the day I inflict permanent misery on her. I still want my revenge and either I find a new woman who is better and helps me forget about my ex wife or I will continue to seek that revenge and when the time is right, I will have it. I don't really feel she has any right to be happy if it means making me so unhappy.

So where does this leave me now? In my basement apartment, still alone, still hoping and praying either for a miracle or for ultimate vengeance, slipping deeper and deeper into an abyss of psychosis. There will come a time when I cannot claw my way out. And when I reach that point of no return, we all know who's fault it will be. Jennifer Lee's. She could have stayed. She could have sucked it up and been a grown, mature woman and done her duties as a wife just as I was doing mine as a husband. But no. Her personal happiness was more important. It didn't matter that she would be breaking me mentally and physically by doing this to me. Nothing mattered to her but getting out and getting away from me. And you folks really expect me to pull myself up and move on from this? this grave, disgusting and disastrous insult? Her telling ME I wasn't good enough? Her telling ME I wasn't the greatest man on Earth to her anymore? If I walk away from that, if I accept that, I'm a horrible failure. It means she will find someone she will forever believe is BETTER than me. And that just can't happen. I won't let it. Not now and not ever. She believed I was the best man in the world once and that's how it should stay.

Okay man here it is.......You are NOT the only person this has happened to. I am going through it right now. It sucks! I wont lie, it sucks bad! I have to get over it the same as you do.

Your pride seems to be off the charts, so she left, so what. It happens to the best of us dude. You cant keep thinking crazy ideas like you have been writing about. Where is your head? and dont say she made me this way because SHE didnt, YOU did. You are in charge of your own destiny, not her.

You really need to work on yourself, go running, talk to a friend, something. If i was acting the way you are my friends would kick my a**. I really cant believe your acting like this. Grow a set and be a man, enough of this revenge talk, Thats bull****! Revenge is for pussies that cant find another way to deal with life.
" I cannot bear to live the rest of my life with the fact I may have screwed up the most important thing in my life."
SHE IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS YOUR LIFE! YOU ARE!

"As far as I am concerned, the value of my existence is directly correlative to the value put upon me by a woman. If no woman loves me the way my wife once loved me then I am nothing and I will be nothing until another woman comes along to provide me with that love."

What kind of crap is this? A woman does not decide our value, WE do. Until you can grasp this concept you have no business setting foot in another relationship. For real man, quit the drinking and the drugs and get ahold of reality again. Its making it worse. Im 29 and its been 1 week since she left, i have not had a drop, because i know what it does.

You seem intelligent enough to understand this, yet your still crying about it. Do you need a friend? Ill be your friend, we can write to each other about what weve accomplished since our women left! It will be a good time! There is way too much to life to be living how you are. Pull yourself out of it man, I know you can do it.

[ChristianonLI]

It is difficult to explain things at this point. Everyone who has replied to this thread, and the few others I have written, as well as all my friends and family have all said the same things. Logic should then dictate that I would be aware of how wrong my point of view is and how right everyone else is.

I know what I have to do. I have to accept that this woman is no longer in love with me and then move on with my life, hoping for the day I can find another woman gullible enough to waste her time on me. But if all of you truly knew me and had lived my life, you would understand why I am holding onto her so tightly and so resolutely. You would understand why it is so absolutely imperative that she come back so that I don't have to live with this mistake.

I will not have another chance with a woman as clean and pure as the one I lost. I'm not getting any younger. I will never be physically attractive. I will never be educated. And I will never be suave or sophisticated. The range of women available to me has always been small and it grows smaller with every day that passes. Yet just a few months ago I was free forever of having to deal with the disastrous and deplorable mindf*ck that is dating. I was married. I had escaped the hardships so many of you have had to deal with in your lives because I had hit the lottery with my wife.

And that's the essence of it. Every aspect of my life has been avoiding the hardships of reality. Avoiding dating, avoiding the stresses of building a career, avoiding anything that didn't play into immediate gratification. I had a woman who loved me regardless of the fact I wasn't physically attractive and wasn't financially successful. And she wasn't ugly, she wasn't disgusting and she wasn't diseased. And I LOST HER. Seriously, how many normal women out there would want anything to do with someone like me?

That's right, none. Now I have to work hard. Now I have to improve myself, get a real job, and do everything that everyone else in the world does just for the possibility of one day coming across another woman who might be inclined to care about me. As long as I stay the way I am the only women who will bother with me are going to be morbidly obese, fugly beyond description and quite possibly infested with STDs. All of which my wonderful and loving wife was not.

And that's why she has to come back. She was my golden ticket to bypassing everything that causes stress in daily life. And once upon a time she LOVED me. I was her world. How could I possibly live the rest of my life knowing she will think of me as a mistake?

[Gigabitch]

If you were really her world, she'd still be there. She's not. You're kidding yourself, and it's hard to watch.

Come on, Christian. She's gone.

[cmacattack1]

That's your problem again, your mentality. You identified the problems: you aren't this, you aren't that, etc. etc. You are just being a victim. You think it's too late and everything is gone and you don't have anything else to look forward too and there is nobody else out there. You have to want to do something.

You are fully capable of doing something. Even if it has a little impact, it's an impact and it's positive. There are other people out there. And it's not like you are in your 50's. You are 31. Nobody said you could get instant results and nobody said it would be easy. If you won the lotto right now, I bet your ass would be feeling better in a heartbeat. But that's not going to happen, it's not realistic. You have to want to work at it and it's going to take a while. When you decide to do that it's up to you. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

[ChristianonLI]

Well then, why do I still feel compelled to send her emails and Facebook messages apologizing, explaining my side and trying to somehow reverse this? Why, when I have sent her a message, she responds with a rude and childish Facebook status denouncing me? I've apologized a thousand times over. I have tried since the first day she left to appeal to her rational and logical side. Logic dictates to me that she should have come back, no questions asked. The things I did wrong were not so terrible as to warrant her overreaction and her immediate need to end the marriage.

Yes Giga, she's gone. And it's wrong on multiple levels. And she knows this. Yet still she refused to come back, refused to listen to a word I said, and steadfastly stuck to her desire to stay away from me and end the relationship. I don't care about her free will at this point, I only care about her righting the wrong against me and granting me my right to not have to live with this horrible mistake for the rest of my life. If I couldn't keep her after just three months of marriage I have no hope in the world of ever keeping a better woman around for even a fraction of that time. Therefore, it's either her or nothing.

And unless a better woman shows up tomorrow, I am going to be stuck in this mindset. Unless the light at the end of the tunnel arrives immediately, thereby providing me the proof that I can get out of this, there's no point in trying to get out of it because as far as I know there IS no getting out.

I still love this woman. I am still in love with this woman and I am not receiving those feelings in return from her. As far as she is concerned she's been done for months and her life is better now. Better WITHOUT me. Can anyone possibly imagine a greater insult? I am now forced to live with the guilt of what happened and forced to live with these feelings I have for her. She should consider herself blessed to have a man in this world who feels so strongly about her when so many others will only use her like a piece of meat, pretending to love her so they can have sex with her then tossing her away. I tried so hard to open her eyes to this reality, that "her type" of man (not me) is the type of man who will use her and never genuinely love her. She should be running back to me right this very god damn moment based off nothing more than the fact I am in love with her because nothing else should matter. And I should not have to be faced with trying to rid myself of this love for her. She is supposed to be smarter than this. She is supposed to understand and realize that she threw away the greatest man on the planet. But instead she felt she could do better.

How could I possibly let this woman get away with such an insult? Why should I? Or I could stand up for myself, maintain my dignity, and pray every day that the misery she has inflicted will come crashing down upon her for this disastrous slight against me. Either that or she wakes the F*** up and returns and does her responsible adult duty.

And no, if I won the lottery I would not feel any better. I would still be miserable and lonely and any woman I meet thereafter would most certainly only be attracted to my money. That's not a lie I want to live with.

[cmacattack1]

Love is not a selfish tool. You don't give love to somebody and expect repayment. You give that to them because you want to give that to them. No questions asked. When they don't give it back to you, you shouldn't have to get upset and demand they owe it to you in return. It hurts when they do not feel the same way about you, but you do the best to understand where they are coming from and do the best to understand that you are not in control of what they want or how they feel.

She is incredibly lucky to have somebody in this world that cares as much as you do, but the more you try to prove it to her and show it to her, the less she is going to listen because she doesn't want to listen. And you are right, there are alot of guys in this world that can and probably will treat her like trash. There are also alot of guys in this world that can treat her right and make her happy. Don't think you are the only one and that you are the best person in the world for her. We don't know what will happen in the future, she might find a better guy, she might find a worse guy. It's out of your hands.

You cannot teach her anything she doesn't want to hear. You cannot do anything about how she feels. There is no longer you and her. It's just you. If this is what you choose to do with your time and your life, good luck. It's a vicious place to be putting yourself into.

When you stop blaming her for everything that is happening to you now, you'll be ready to take the next step.

[castingstones]

I want to know why you have avoided all of these "stresses" of life. Everyone has a sad story man, once again your not the only one. It doesnt matter where you came from, it is where you go from here. I have built MY life, no one gave it to me. I was not born into money, I work out to stay fit because thats what i have to do so i dont get fat and sloppy (witch would happen if i didnt) You need to start looking at life as a adventure, not as a stress. You are not guaranteed anything in life other than death and taxes. Everything else is up to you.