Not sure if I should throw in the towel....

[Mr. Turtle]

The divorce was finalized in the end of April. The marriage lasted a year, but they had been together 7 years. Anyways, as April progressed into May, we had started to text and talk to each other on the phone on a regular basis. We also worked with each other every week, and were very close. In May we finally hung out "one on one" and needless to say, ended up sleeping with one another. At first I wanted it to just be a friends with benefits situation, but as time went on, we were talking on the phone for hours every evening and had become best friends. We continued to get together a few times a week, which was hard due to all of the weird hours he works (at 3 different jobs!!).

You are the rebound-ish woman. Don't take that for how it sounds. I have been in this guys situation similarly. The three jobs thing is because he doesn't have a reason to get in the bed anymore. He probably doesn't sleep well either. The most important thing to note was how he reacted in the morning and after. If he was thrown off by your FWB approach, then it only compounded the divorce blues.

By the end of July, I had realized that this was a person that I really wanted to get to know better, and potentially start a real relationship with. I finally got the guts to tell him in August, and he said that he had feelings for me but wasn't ready for a relationship. Simply put, "I like you, and it's nothing against you, but I can't date you right now". This also led to him telling me he didn't think he could make anyone happy, and that he needed to be single...

My point about the divorce blues. But hang in there. (I'm giving opinions as I read sorry.)

I started to feel paranoid about the situation, worried he would find someone else, and went into "crazy girl" mode. But, even when I was upset and freaking out, he still stayed and listened and helped me through. He never judges me, always motivates me, and has been nothing but an amazing friend. A few weeks ago, after being stressed out over a situation at my job, I had a conversation with him and he said that maybe it would be better for me if we quit seeing each other (in a sexual way). I sort of blew that off, because I thought he was just trying to be the nice guy. A couple days later, I attempted to plan a 'get together' and he told me he couldn't, and that he wasn't going to be having sex for awhile. We ended up talking on the phone for 5 hours! He explained to me that his ex had contacted him that weekend, and they needed to straighten some things up. They are not getting back together, but there are issues over property and their apartment, that she is making an issue over. He told me that I should consider myself lucky to not actually be dating him, because he would've had to help her and there is no way I would've "understood". I think that's BS because I would have... I want him to get the situation figured out so he can move on, fully! During this phone conversation, he told me "we might as well just say we're never going to date".. which broke my heart.. so I said "So there is no chance of that changing, ever?", in which he replied, "What I'm saying is I can't date you now. I'm not boyfriend material". Again, I find that to be BS as he has been nothing but amazing to me, and has always been there!

PATIENCE IS KEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Hang in there, don't push it. Nothing worth having comes fast.

So my question is just..... do you think he is just trying to let me down easy, or could he really be having issues and doesn't want to bring me into them? I have never felt so strongly about anyone before, and it's hard for me to let go. Things are still okay between us. When we see each other, his face lights up and I still get the vibe that he has feelings. I've cut back on texting or calling him, and he barely ever texts me first. But he also told me that he was going to have to be "quiet" for awhile, to get things in his life back on track. I'm probably all over the place with this posting, but I hope someone has some insight! I don't think there is another woman, and I know it's not his ex... is it worth it to wait this out? Or should I just tell myself that he no longer has feelings, and made that clear to me by saying, "we should just say we're never going to date". I'm hanging onto the words "I just can't date you right now".

Sigh... what do I do??

Don't sweat it so much. Guys speak literally. He means not right now, he didn't say never. And when he said "we might as well say never" he was trying to kick the crazy girl out of you and bring you down a notch. Hold off on the sex, just be the close friend he needs, trust me he needs that more and he won't forget. If things don't pan intimately, then it wasn't meant to be. But with divorced guys, you gotta state your claim and then play the waiting game. If you can't wait for him to heal (because sex with someone else may make him feel dirty especially when SHE even communicates the slightest bit) then you are only re-opening the wound instead of helping heal it. He will let you know where you stand in the end. And you will be okay with it if you continue to genuinely support him outside of the bedroom. Good luck

[Wakeup]

O.o ^^^ You'd do well to, at the very least, read the Opening posters last post

I did a little detective work and found out that he had a girlfriend a month before we started seeing one another. The same girlfriend that he is only now telling me about. When I found a photo of them online, he told me it was a new photo and they just started dating.... as in this new year. But, going from what I found, he has been with her since April. I am shaking right now because I am so upset... I still don't even know how it is possible... he works all the time (that is NOT a lie).. and we would talk for hours and hours every single day... worse part is, I met her one time... he brought her in to get her paycheck... I really am at a loss...

WTF? Did you not take in any of what was said to you? How can you be at a loss? You were told over and over again that the writing was clearly in front of you. Learn from this or you will forever be "at a loss." There were a thousand red flags you chose to ignore. There were a dozen forum posts you chose to ignore, there was your own gut you chose to ignore all telling you what was what.. You certainly were NOT at a loss. You simply had your head up your own ass to see the truth.

The good news here is that now you can accept that which you refused to accept for so long. Don't lie to yourself anymore. If you can't trust yourself and your own intuition, then Who TF can you trust?

Back in December you said this:

But he also told me that he was going to have to be "quiet" for awhile, to get things in his life back on track.

and I responded with this:

That, would indicate to me that he has someone new or he's returned to his wife and he won't be able to text you while he's with her.. Or, he's trying to be nice to you and is weaning you from him slowly but is selfish enough to keep a door open in case he ever wants somemore of you at a later date. Don't let him play you.
Last edited by Wakeup; 30-12-11 at 02:13 PM.

Next time don't be so quick to ignore your own gut or the opinions of those you've asked. I'm sorry you didn't "see" sooner.

[Mr. Turtle]

I should have read the whole thread. But sorry. Keep it moving. His loss, not yours.