Hanging out with female friends alone

[cheeky&sexy]

Guys and girls can be friends, in my experience and those of most my friends.

However, it seems that your bf is crossing relationship boundaries with his female "friends. Referring to your examples:

1. Wouldn't make me worry unless he met the girls often and/or without telling me beforehand and/or without inviting me to go with him.

2. Is definitely fishy. Are you sure he stopped going with her, or is he just not telling you anymore? Regularly spending LOTS of one on one time with an opposite sex friend while in a relationship is pretty much always risky. Also, why do you always end up fighting when you go to the club together?

3. It might be just the girl that's crazy, then again: are you sure he stopped talking to her?

4. ...come on. Why are you even still with this guy? How would *he* react if he knew that *you* were alone in a room with another guy "listening to music" for half an hour? Unless the girl is a childhood friend of his or something (in which case his brother would've known), there's a 99% chance that he was cheating on you.

There's a very high chance that none of those women are actually friends of his. I'd say they are sexual interests that, in the best scenario, he's keeping around as an "easy escape" if things don't work out with you. The worst case scenario is that he's already cheating on you.

I found your post particularly intriguing for some reason so wanted to respond personally to it. I hear you when you asked me questions such as 'are you sure his stopped going with her/talking to her?' No, i guess i'm not.. i never see them nor do we have mutual friends so i can't know for sure. But one time i remember i was suspicious about all these female friends on facebook chat he had minimised on his computer. I looked at the conversations and all i saw was him talking about how good our relationship is and how he wants to marry me. But the thing is this was like 4 months ago, and we've had so many ups and downs since then and most this shadiness is in the last 2 months or so.

The only time alone he spends with the club girl is when they go to clubs together.. usually it's with other people he says and there's been about 3 occasions where he went alone with her and they supposedly met other people. So i wouldn't say he spends lots of one on one time with her.. or any other girl.. it seems to be very sporadic.

We get in fights every time we go to clubs because we are both very emotional and impulsive when we drink alcohol. He doesn't always drink at clubs but i get too bored at clubs if i don't drink. We get into fights over the most ridiculous things, but sometimes it is jealousy issues. He thinks i'm checking out other guys, he gets mad cause i apparantly don't make an effort to hang out with his girl friends, i am sometimes rude to them because of the way they run up and hug my boyfriend in front of me.

I had to laugh at your response to number 4.. just picturing his reaction haha. I mean we already talked about it and of course he made it sound all so innocent, but i agree that 99% of guys would be cheating in that scenario. I think you're onto something when you said he's keeping these girls around in case i break up with him. He is kind of insecure, always thinks i'm too good for him, often worried i'm going to cheat and break up with him. I think maybe he does try to keep girls around who he knows have a crush on him so that when his hurting he has options to make it easier for him. He told me when his ex cheated and broke up with him he became clinically depressed.. so maybe he is really scared of being in that scenario again. I'd never considered that before and i'm greatful for your thoughtful response.

[Wakeup]

Wow i am surprised by all of the responses so quickly. I admit i was scared to come back and read posts because i was scared of what people might say, even though nobody knows me or him and it's an anonymous forum.. i just didn't want to be attacked and made to feel like a fool. But i'm glad nearly everybody who responded was kind to me, which i appreciate. For the record, we see each other between 4 and 7 days a week. I can't be in a smothering relationship.. I am the one who needs the space more than he does. It's not that his off with these girls cause he'd rather spend time with them than me.. hanging out with his friends, including girls, is the backup option for when i'm busy or need my own time.

Sorry, but if anyone took the time to read your other thread they too would realize that your bf puts himself in shady situations often and his own brother has said he's cheating on you. It's your choice to believe your boyfriend but your question was, is what he does acceptable. If you read back on this thread, it's plain to see that everyone thinks what he is doing is disrespectful to you. You try to justify here, but the other thread and the beginning of this one tells a different story than what you're trying to portray in this post.

I've realised that i wasn't being completely clear about the frequency of events, etc. He goes clubbing like once or twice a week, i go sometimes but i don't really like going and i feel the fact that i trust him enough to let him go says something about his character. I didn't mean to make it sound like he is always hanging out with girls alone, that's not the truth. He went to a club alone with his close girl friend 3 times over a 4 month period. He does have heaps of friends and acquaintances, so it's understandable that nearly every time he goes to the shops he runs into someone and may have a chat with them. He has only mentioned on a couple of occasions over our entire relationship that his had a girl friend over briefly. Rarely does he talk about the same girl, i'd think if he was cheating he would narrow it down to one or two rather than like 10 or more that would make it way easier for me to find out.. it's illogical.

Sorry again, but that's what players do.. they juggle women and they do it well. Hence why they can play because they appear so sincere and open and they draw women in. I'm not saying that your bf is still playing, but the evidence indicates that he is even if he says he has never cheated. He won't let you talk to his brother and he makes excuses why you shouldnt "rock the boat." Sketchy that. So is having women in his room behind closed doors with music playing loudly.

Maybe i am suddenly feeling the need to defend him and myself against some of these posts because we made up today after a fight, or because i don't want to believe the worst, i don't know. His been cheated on before by his only other love, his long term gf from a few years ago, he said his never cheated, he was raised by grandparents who taught him great morals, i just don't think he could do that to me or anybody. I guess aside from the 'do you think he cheated?' question i obviously projected, i was just wondering if this is normal among many guys and what their girlfriends let their guys get away with. There was a 1% of doubt i had, but i realise now that people who have been exposed to cheating are going to think the worst, and those who haven't and have been in similar situations that were innocent are going to think the best.

Sorry again but that would be called projection. I myself have never been cheated on nor had the uneasiness of a sketchy boyfriend who spends copious amounts of time with women one on one. My observations are based on the two threads and what you've shared alone. Not prejudiced by personal experience.

You're obviously making the shoe fit so good luck, I hope you can keep happy within this relationship.

@ JustPassing

the biggest mistake of my life... because I was so upset I snapped at him and told him if he couldn't understand how I felt then I didn't think our relationship would work out.

This goes to what I said earlier about being afraid to rock the boat so you keep quiet and enable while being unhappy. You must realize that what you did was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Why stay with someone who doesn't value you and disrespects you the way he did without having the least bit of empathy for what he did would make you feel?

[cheeky&sexy]

Ok i think i'm going to delete the other thread because even though IMO they are asking and explaining two different things, they're both projected the same. Last night when i made these threads i was in a very angry state of mind, whereas today i am calm, which explains the different voices or perspectives you feel that are coming across.

I agree that it is being disrespectful and i thank you and everyone for making me see that i am right in thinking he did the wrong thing. Because he had me thinking i was just an overreacting bitch. I'm going to push to be involved in the family meeting that they were all ment to have tonight that was postponed til tomorrow, that he doesn't want me to be a part of. Because i want to hear every side of the story and his reactions to being put on the spot. The fact that his step dad wants to talk to me privately instead indicates that maybe his step dad knows the truth and is trying to save our relationship.

[Wakeup]

I added to your other thread, cheeky. I sincerely wish you luck with coming to a suitable conclusion that you both can live with. Just don't put the blinders on because it's up to you to look after your own emotional best interests and if leaving someone who won't compromise is how you have to do that then so be it. Good for you for looking after you.

[cheeky&sexy]

I saw and i replied, i'm going to close that one soon. Thank you very much for your help, while a bit harsh i needed to hear it. Luckily i'm sure he will compromise so it'll be fine.

[VincenzoG91]

Prediction: Less than a month from now, the OP will discover that her boyfriend is actually cheating on her.

[smackie9]

Well I can see both sides...where it doesn't look appropriate for male/female to hang out alone, etc...BUT, and this has happened to me, is that just because you have potential to have sex, (one penis/one vaginia) in a room together alone doesn't mean it's going to happen. I have been questioned in the past (by co-workers, etc) about me spending "too much time" with a guy. I hated the fact that people just assume I'm having an affair, or I'm a slut just because I spend time with guys, when it's not even like that. I've never slept with a guy friend, co-worker or other wise. So I can see his point.

[VincenzoG91]

This is basic Occam's Razor stuff. He is acting like a cheater. His own brother says that he is a cheater. He is probably a cheater.

[JustPassing]

JustPassing, that dude totally cheated on you. No question about it.

No I really don't think he cheated on me. I think he just wanted rid of me and realized he could do a lot better than me when his friend stayed with him. Also my insecurities got the better of me and that pushed him away.

I still can't forgive myself for what I said to him or for what happened. I know he deserves better than me but it still hurts so much you know. Even after all this time.

[VincenzoG91]

No I really don't think he cheated on me. I think he just wanted rid of me and realized he could do a lot better than me when his friend stayed with him. Also my insecurities got the better of me and that pushed him away.

I still can't forgive myself for what I said to him or for what happened. I know he deserves better than me but it still hurts so much you know. Even after all this time.

I don't know you personally, but it sounds like you have low self-esteem and this guy exploited that.

[JustPassing]

I don't know you personally, but it sounds like you have low self-esteem and this guy exploited that.

I just wasn't good enough for him, simple as that and in the end he was just fed up of me and wanted rid of me I guess. I don't really blame him but it still hurts a lot.

[smackie9]

It's not that you were not good enough for him, it's the fact you were not right for him, and he was not right for you.....there's a difference. I think he just realized that this isn't the right time in his life to be in a committed relationship, and not ready to make sacrifies for someone.

[JustPassing]

It's not that you were not good enough for him, it's the fact you were not right for him, and he was not right for you.....there's a difference. I think he just realized that this isn't the right time in his life to be in a committed relationship, and not ready to make sacrifies for someone.

People seem to say this a lot but I don't really get it myself. I know I wasn't right for him because he wanted rid of me. But at the same time I feel he was right for me, the only reason he wasn't was because he didn't want me anymore and that was my fault.

[VincenzoG91]

That doesn't make any sense, how can he be right for you while you are wrong for him? Compatibility is a two-way street. The two of you apparently didn't have it. That doesn't excuse the way he treated you. Even if he didn't have sex with that "friend," he still shouldn't have made her a higher priority than you. Stop apologizing for his bad behavior and start treating yourself better.

[JustPassing]

That doesn't make any sense, how can he be right for you while you are wrong for him?

Because if he wanted me back I would take him back in a second, but he doesn't want me back.