Strange sex talk -- preparing to go to counseling on Monday

[xxazurexx]

LOL ^^

I would hate to be in either position, 1. Having to beg for sex. 2. Being pressured to have sex.

I think sexual compatibility is important and without it, the marriage /relationship is destined to go down the drain.

People rarely change and if we have to change to please someone, it ends up in resentment.

[misombra]

I doubt counseling will keep you together, but I think it will be really good for you to have a third party in the room who will stop her from deflecting everything you say and insist that she give some straight, non-contradictory answers.

I hope your counselor tells you to stop bending over backwards to give in to her unreasonable demands. She demanded that you act "normal" until counseling when she made out with someone? Who the **** does she think she is? More to the point, who the **** do YOU think she is? Is she Princess Golden Pussy?

if i was the counselor i would be like, "bitch you need to open those legs and be givin it up."

[ftm]

I doubt counseling will keep you together, but I think it will be really good for you to have a third party in the room who will stop her from deflecting everything you say and insist that she give some straight, non-contradictory answers.

I hope your counselor tells you to stop bending over backwards to give in to her unreasonable demands. She demanded that you act "normal" until counseling when she made out with someone? Who the **** does she think she is? More to the point, who the **** do YOU think she is? Is she Princess Golden Pussy?

You are funny

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask that we both act civil until we have addressed matters. We *do* have to share the same apartment. What's unreasonable is that she tends to assume, afterwards, that me acting civil means I am *feeling* civil.

And, yeah, I think pretty highly of her and want the best for both of us. I try to treat her the way I would expect to be treated by her, even when she's not meeting her end of the bargain.

LOL ^^

I would hate to be in either position, 1. Having to beg for sex. 2. Being pressured to have sex.

I think sexual compatibility is important and without it, the marriage /relationship is destined to go down the drain.

People rarely change and if we have to change to please someone, it ends up in resentment.

This is my worry, and it's a point I made to her last night. I said that her feeling like she has to struggle to keep up with me will not be a sustainable thing and that it's not what I want. Right now we need to figure out if there's a way we can make this work, and if there's not then I'm going to have to get out. In discussion recently we pinpointed a number of anxieties and notions of hers that are kind of standing in the way of us finding true and lasting intimacy, and it's something we hope to address in therapy in further detail.

But if it ends up that we just aren't compatible in this area, and won't be, then there's really no relationship. Not for me, at least.

[Junket]

I don't see why you would want to be denied sex all the time, and I don't see why she would want to be begged for sex all the time.

My g/f hit me under the belt once by saying, "The only reason why you want to keep me happy is so you can have sex with me!".

Now honestly, I almost responded, "So?". But I was more surprised that she would even go there at all since we had both already discussed that that is an integral aspect of our, relationship. If I keep her happy, she'll want more sex, if I make her REALLY happy, I get anal. That's just the way it goes, it's not shallow, it's the ultimate compromise.

If I didn't want sex, I wouldn't have a g/f, I got buddies to talk and hang out with.

At least servants and butlers get paid to tend to the needs of their Queens, what is she paying you?

I hope you don't pay when you two go out, if you are, she's obligated to suck the cum out of your dick.

[lahnnabell]

See... I don't see sex as being a reward for being a good boyfriend/girlfriend. I see it as an integral part of any relationship because I enjoy having sex, and I enjoy making my man feel good. I engage in anal because I like it. Not just as a favor to him.

People need to be more honest about this whole incompatibility thing. If someone thinks that 2x a week is enough, and the other doesn't, that is simply a case of a sexual mismatch. A person should not have to be convinced that their standards aren't up to par. Sexual preference of any kind is completely relative, and there is no such thing as "normal".

Withholding sex or sexual favors is a gross form of punishment and a completely immature way to handle issues in a relationship. THAT is a problem in and of itself. If I get mad at my boyfriend, I can't have sex because I am angry. Plain and simple. Not necessarily because I'm angry at him. If my boyfriend finds that I am stressed about something, but he's horny, he'll do what it takes to get me in the mood. In order for that to work, I have to be at least somewhat receptive to his touch. Two way street people.

[Junket]

See... I don't see sex as being a reward for being a good boyfriend/girlfriend. I see it as an integral part of any relationship because I enjoy having sex, and I enjoy making my man feel good. I engage in anal because I like it. Not just as a favor to him.

Withholding sex or sexual favors is a gross form of punishment and a completely immature way to handle issues in a relationship. THAT is a problem in and of itself. If I get mad at my boyfriend, I can't have sex because I am angry. Plain and simple. Not necessarily because I'm angry at him. If my boyfriend finds that I am stressed about something, but he's horny, he'll do what it takes to get me in the mood. In order for that to work, I have to be at least somewhat receptive to his touch. Two way street people.

You just contradicted yourself in the same post.

[lahnnabell]

Care to point out exactly where?

[Junket]

First you say sex isn't a reward, but then you clearly state that if your b/f wants to get sex when you're not in the mood, he'll need to make you happy, to get his reward, which will make him happy.

[lahnnabell]

I don't look at it in terms of a reward. Perhaps this is an incredibly relative view point, I dunno. His "making me happy" as you call it, isn't a surefire method. Like I said, I am responsible for my own emotions and it is up to me to be receptive to him. If I'm really not feeling it, I'll tell him so straightforward before we get into it. If I do let him touch me, and then I turn down his advances, that is my fault. That is what I meant by being receptive to him. It sucks and is frustrating to get blown off like that. I've been there.

And I would never turn down his advances cold-heartedly. That's a confidence killer right there. I am always open to talking about sex, emotions, etc. It is part of what makes a functional relationship. I never view sex as a reward. It is essential and wonderful. I also appreciate my man because he feels the same. Sex isn't a reward to him, and if I'm not feeling it, he'd rather me say so then to drag me into it when I'm really not gonna put any effort forth.

[Aeradalia]

Sex is a reward in a relationship... let's hope it's not the ONLY reward. There are other things like love, friendship, support buddy, fighting buddy, and your personal coach all rolled into one. If you don't have the added pluses, then you simply have a sexual transaction -- not much different than street 'professional.'

Sex is an important part of a relationship... but it's role is on the same level as many other integral parts.

[lahnnabell]

See, in my mind, calling sex "a reward" makes it sound more like a transaction than anything else. Agree to disagree. So long as our viewpoints ensure our happiness it doesn't matter how we see it.

[LailaK]

In my opinion, in my relationships, sex should never be a reward or a transaction. It's something that I enjoy as much as he does. Something we do to have fun and express how we feel. I keep him happy through various actions (cooking, treating him like "the man", etc.) because I love him and that's my way of showing it. He should keep me happy for the same reason, not solely because he wants to get some.

[Aeradalia]

It's at times like this that I wonder how life would've been if I had more female role models while growing up...

[Junket]

In my opinion, in my relationships, sex should never be a reward or a transaction. It's something that I enjoy as much as he does. Something we do to have fun and express how we feel. I keep him happy through various actions (cooking, treating him like "the man", etc.) because I love him and that's my way of showing it. He should keep me happy for the same reason, not solely because he wants to get some.

I think you're both too idealistic to come to terms with the truth.

I'd be surprised if long termers have not come to this conclusion yet.

Everything can be broken down into a formula, newer couples won't have figured there's out yet, since both parties are still gonna be running off the chemical highs, they wouldn't need it.

The give and take isn't random, you'll all figure it out eventually.

[sookie6]

I think it's too late for talks.

Even if she complies to please you how can you enjoy 'forced sex'....the feeling that someone is not even having fun and just doing their duty is a big turn-off...