Fell in love with another man and told my boyfriend honestly, now he dumped me

[IndiReloaded]

So, its still all about you is it? Perhaps you should look up some articles about regaining trust in a relationship after cheating. B/c you did cheat, tho you seem reluctant to admit it.

BTW, he might forgive you, but may decide never to trust you again. That is his choice. For some, cheating is an irrevocable deal-breaker. Its what I said: the monkey can jump, but its usually a one-way leap. (look up monkey branch theory on this site if you are confused)

If I were you, I would make my sincerest attempt to apologize. Not b/c I hope we would reconcile, but simply b/c its the right thing to do when you hurt someone so badly. Good luck with the growing up thing, doll.

[moonshadow1234]

He told me honestly that I would be a slave right now. I will indeed be jumping loops. He does not want to date other women, however. I will only have to convince him why a relationship with me is better than no relationship and no worries and responsibilities at all. Even if he starts again with me, I can not make any mistake. What kind of life is that.

Well, he is worth it, if the trust can come back and most important, if his love can grow back. But I need to know for sure he is not just playing a game, or using me as a back up in case he never finds the right woman again. He is very black vs white. Once you are white you are an angel and he will do everything for you. That is the guy I had and for who I fell so deeply. But if you are black it takes tons of effort and time to get you back into the white space.

Once he had a fight with his best friends because he did not feel respected and felt taken for granted, and he was [like he was with me] like a bomb. They never saw it coming and suddenly he did not want to talk to them for 6 months and he was so angry he kicked them out of his house. He did not speak to them and did not feel compassion, whereas he did everything for them before this fight. He said they hurt them and whatever they said or did, it did not matter, he told them it would never be the same again between them. He felt nothing, no compassion whatsoever. But after these months he gradually forgave them and now they are best friends again.

So yeah I think I still have a chance if I have tons of patience and if I will put up with much much shit. But I do not know if it is all worth it. Not being mad during the relationship, letting his emotions become too much to a certain point and then dumping me and saying it is all my faulth and yelling at me that I blew everything is not healthy as well. He should have said and yelled during the relationship. And if he then chooses to leave me [which I, again, fully understand] he should have given me a rational calm explanation. Not the 1000 different explanations I have heard and the sending me angry emails and giving me another reason for the break up every day.

[IndiReloaded]

No offense, but I don't think becoming someone's 'slave' is the answer either.

Not every mistake is fixable, Moon. But, if it will make you feel better to self-flaggelate with him for a while then whatever. TBH, I see a negative feedback cycle in the making: anytime you f-up, he will bring up the cheating, you will be beaten back, feel resentful you can't express yourself, build up your resentment, probably cheat again, feel even worse.... ad nauseum.

You both kinda sound like assholes, but in different ways. He sounds like a prissy, narrow-minded jerk and you sound like you lack self-control. Mbe you should find partners who inspire you to do better, instead of dragging each other down? Just a suggestion.

[moonshadow1234]

Thanks for your posts. I am learning. I know I have reacted selfish and like a baby. I apologized for what happened, for hurting him. I already said it tortured me every day and that I just can not figure out why I reacted that way. I did not say it tortured me to get his pity or his care, I just told him how much I knew I had been wrong and that it is my responsibility to bear it and that it was a good thing of him to make it painfully clear how much this is not done.

Do you really look at it as cheating? ****, I never even looked at it that way. I would think it is more forgiveable than having actually explored these feelings in real life. That is probably the only reason why he has doubts once in a while, because my ex is radically against cheating. If he looks at it like that, I do not think he will ever forgive me and trust me.

If this really is looked upon the same as cheating, then I think he deserves better than me. He would never have done it to me, I think.

[moonshadow1234]

So, I see. I should just let it go.

I thought I had not done anything to really break his trust, as I never touched or date the guy, but indeed I cheated in my heart. At first I looked at it like I had feelings for someone, and told my boyfriend immediately without having done sneeky things behind his back. I told him because, I do not have much self control indeed and I did not want to ruin our relationship by making a stupid mistake. I wanted his help because he was my partner and I wanted to work it out together and I wanted to be honest. I was scared that if I did not talk to him about it, things would get worse. Wish I had known that it would tear us down to just tell him.

I actually depended on him to help me, whereas this was not his responsibility. And then I gave him nothing back to repair it for him. This is not done. I will apoligize again and tell him that and just ask to leave each other alone for a while. I will give up hope I think.

Honestly, isnt there any respect in being honest and trying to work things out together and fight for your rrelationship together? Isnt it worse to not have told him and have feelings for someone and letting him love me more and more without knowing I ever had feelings for someone?

A friend of mine really cheated, as in had sex, with another man. She never told anything and lives happily ever after. I deserve what I am going through right know, but what does she deserve then? They tell me honesty is the best, but it seems like it is not always the best. Not just for me, but also for him it was not the best.

Do you think that if he would really have married me and loved me for the rest of my life, he will forgive me and come back? Or do things simply not work like that this way? I am so naieve.

Who knows he might lose his anger in a while and miss me and let me back into his heart. If that is not the case, then I will just have to live with the fact that I hurt a loved one.

I hear it, I think this is just broken then. It is awful to see that some mistakes can not be fixed. I really did not want to hurt him. I also do not want to make this all about me. It is all about him and what he felt and is still feeling.

[IndiReloaded]

Tell him everything you just said in that last post. At a suitable time, when he is receptive, of course.

As for honesty, yes, welcome to adulthood. Honesty for its own sake is a naive way to live. Its a virtue, certainly, but it should have a purpose. I'm not sure your telling him about your feelings served one. Not in the way you did it.

Did you understand Frasbee's post about keeping your feelings to yourself until you sorted things out? That's what he meant.

FWIW, no I don't think what you did was the same as physically cheating. But it was emotional cheating. Falling in love with someone IS a choice. There was a point in your relationship with this other guy where you could have noticed what was going on and put a stop to it. No more contact. No doubt there was a reason you didn't, probably this other guy was satisfying some need your BF couldn't (or wouldn't).

I suspect you told your BF b/c you were resenting his not being able to meet whatever needs this other fellow was. You were hoping he'd step up his game and hustle a bit more for you. That kind of thing backfires when dealing with people with self-respect. I imagine your BF was hurt, which lead him to forgive you (and maybe even see your side of things a bit) but when you continued to interact with this other guy, he probably started to get angry. Justifiably so, if he felt he had traits that were worthy of your love. You were, in effect, telling him he wasn't good enough. Who wouldn't eventually say 'fuk you then, I'll dump you & find someone who appreciates me'?

Hope this helps doll. Sounds to me like this will be a good growth experience for you, no matter how things turn out. Don't beat yourself too much for what you can't change, you are young and shit happens. Just make sure the lesson takes hold so you don't make the same mistake again. Good men are rare and are worth your loyalty. The grass is rarely greener.

[Yggdrasil]

Damn do you really think so? That is so harsh. I have hurt him, but I never intended it, I never wanted to do it on purpose. That does not make it allright that I hurt him, and that does not make it forgiveable, I know, and I understand that he has left me. But I do not deserve to be stringed along, a mistake does not make me evil and is not a ticket to treating me bad. If he has really loved me, ever, he would at least not play with my emotions right now.

Your intentions don't matter. You acted immature and clearly showed you are not ready for a mature, commited relation.

Learn to control your emotions. If you love one person, there's no room to love someone else.

Loving one person and falling in love with another person is a clear sign of emotional immaturity.

You're not relation material (yet). Work on your issues.

And if you really would love yourself, you wouldn't let him play with your emotions. Another sign of emotional immaturity.

You're learning the hard way.

Accept the lesson.

[GoldenNickel22]

I think you made a mistake by involving your BF in trying to figure our your own feelings. You should have done that on your own, and broke up with the other guy on your own - instead, you've involved him in all this touchy feely mess. You should have asked for your space while trying to figure things out. On your own. Your BF would have respected you more. I don't think it was wrong to fall in love with another guy - but admitting it to your BF already implies that you were prepared to break up with him. Otherwise, why tell him? I think that you are better off without him, in the end. If you fell in love with another guy once, it might happen again! Maybe he's just not the right one for you! It's OK to feel pain after a break up, but don't confuse your emotional attachment (sounds like emotional dependency) on him, with love. It will pass. Learn some lessons and move on.

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[moonshadow1234]

I do not think it will happen again. It had to do with being immature and reacting quite weak at being scared, as in trying to feel stronger by searching some security elsewhere. I look very confident and strong, but it seems I am quite the opposite. It seems like the more you love someone, the more stupid things you do and scare them away yourself so what scared you the most happens and you say afterwards ''you see I knew this would happen''.
Indeed I have to work on some issues. Thank you though for your responses, I learned a lot in one day.

I am quite enjoying my freedom too, so I do not feel this dependency upon him is for my happiness. Maybe I am wrong, but I really think I would have married the guy and really loved him. But hey, Im doing fine actually. I regret what happened every day, though.

I am scared that it is too late for us. If he would have left when it was all happening, I think we would be fine right now. But I think it is too late to repair now. It occurred in december. Above all, isnt it so that if a man says he is not in love with you anymore and he doesnt feel the magic, that it just can not come back anymore, mp matter what I do or say?
However, I think guys are more rational beings. The fact that he felt so miserable and still feels bad about having lost me says that he made more like a rational decision and that he still has feelings for me. But I do not think they will be strong enough to measure up against his freedom and if he is not open to me than our love can not grow. And the ''magic'' as he calls it is gone. I wonder what is left then, surely something, but probably not enough.

[boobaa]

you told your BF you fell in love with another man??

and he dumped you....I don't get it?

What is it here to get? Its obvious, he had every right to dump her, its just humiliating.

If you are too young and want to explore, why be in relationship at all? I could tell you here to grow up, but you know what? People don't grow up when someone tells them to. Earn your brains.

[Sonrisa]

Your intentions don't matter. You acted immature and clearly showed you are not ready for a mature, commited relation.

Learn to control your emotions. If you love one person, there's no room to love someone else.

Loving one person and falling in love with another person is a clear sign of emotional immaturity.

You're not relation material (yet). Work on your issues.

And if you really would love yourself, you wouldn't let him play with your emotions. Another sign of emotional immaturity.

You're learning the hard way.

Accept the lesson.

why can't one love two people? are their limitations to how many people we are allowed to love? who made that rule that we must practice monogamy?

[boobaa]

Love means full commitment to a person. How can you commit yourself to two persons at once since there is only one you? Love is giving, not taking.

How would you feel if you were with someone, loved him, and he tells you he loves another chick?

[moonshadow1234]

He also said that at the end he was trying hard and making efforts in order to stay in love with me, but that he thought we would always have to work too much to stay together and that he would realize in like ten years ''hey this is not what I want'' and that he would have to leave me then. He told me he wasnt living his life while being with me anymore, that he always focused on me and that he was unable at knowing what he wanted himself in his life. He had to let me go in order to see how he could get happy. He was scared that if this would go on, he would just end up a loser, while i would be successful and that he felt less like a man and less strong while being with me because he always compared himself to me and never felt like the leader and the great provider.

But he told me we could both change in the future and then we could get back together. Just not right know. He would probably do the same thing over again and then I would never forgive him for leaving me twice and then he would have lost me for sure. He also said he was having a hard time at figuring out how his life would look like, he was scared that he would live a very common life if he would stay with me [and just with any woman] and he was scared of having to take care of someone and always take up responsibility. He did not feel ready to commit yet, and told me that he got scared because he woke up one day and saw that are relationship was really serious [he made it so serious and made it go so fast himself so it was not at all my faulth] and he started freaking out like ''oh my god is that what I really want? do I even want children?'' Then afterwards he was more calm and he told me he really wanted to have a stable relationship and someday children and that with his temper and his inability to forgive he was scared he would never be able to keep a relationship healthy.

I guess he is really confused. But the fact that he broke up with me and in first instance his reasons were

1. the magic is gone I have to do so much effort to stay in love with you [how bad is this one, this sentence scared and hurt me the most, it gave me the feeling that his feelings were dead a long long time ago], he told me we lost each other a while ago, and that now he was really tired of doing so much effort...

2. I do not know if I can be happy with you in the future, I am not satisfied with the role I have in our relationship. I feel you are too smart for me. I have issues with expressing myself when I am with you. I do not feel good about myself at your house because they are all more educated than me. I think, besides all my mistakes, he has issues with himself too. He told me he had to work on his personality and he needed to do it alone.

I wonder if all this can be attributed to my mistakes. I think he has been just as immature as I have been. And the worst part is that we are both twentiers. Djeez, what a couple. If I hear what a mess this is, I wonder why I keep thinking about it. This is so obviously lost, at least for the near future. But I think it is just my way of moving on. If I do not talk about it, I know I will keep feeling bad. It is always a relief to talk about it.

[boobaa]

Its your fault. Get over it.

You loved another man, so, he wasn't enough for you. And he did everything for you.

**** you.

[moonshadow1234]

That is true, but people make mistakes too. We are only human. I think love is also trying to understand someone. I am really not a bad person and I loved him too, it would never have happened again.

I think I would have made him pursue me and proof his love, but I would try to be understanding and I would also look at his intentions and at his personality, mostly you know if you are dealing with a person that treats you badly or a person that got confused. But, offcoursem it is easy to say from the point of view who was not hurt. Still though, he dumped me in an awful way. Doubt, no doubt, coming back, yelling, giving ma hundred irrational and rational explanations... At the same day he told me to go on a trip with him and that he could not live without me and have sex with me and four hours later he yelled I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU ANYMORE I JUST MADE YOU BELIEVE SO YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO STUDY FOR YOUR EXAMS. Yeah well, auwtsj. And then afterwards he tells me that he cares about me so much and that he can not miss me and always thinks about me.

He has been so good to me for more than a year and it he apologized sincerely several times afterwards and told me that he was just stupid, not evil and that he never intended to hurt me. So I can not look at him as a jerk, but as someone who hurt me so much because he was very confused and angry and all those things and just acting stupid, so I forgive him and I would give him another shot. Second chances, that is what you earn, if you blow it then, well then byebye... But I allow people to make mistakes.